Big Brother Zasalamel
Chapter 1-Welcome to the Jungle
A/N: Since that Character Chats is on hiatus and I'm thinking of ideas for Death's Apprentice at the moment, I decided to lighten the mood a little with yet another gameshow---well, except this time with a different host. I don't know how long this one is going to be, but I'm expecting about twenty five chapters or so; that is, if I'm lucky. Other than that, enjoy!
-Abzanguinaut342
Scene: A small dimly lit room with a leather chair in the center. In the background is a large poster with a logo saying 'Big Brother Zasalamel' on it.
Announcer: And now live, from the middle of nowhere, please welcome...
(A spotlight focuses on the leather chair)
Announcer: The Host of Big Brother Zasalamel...Link from Soul Calibur 2!
(No one shows up)
Announcer: I said...Link from Soul Calibur 2!
(Several coughs are heard in the background)(Link enters the room, with a piece of toilet paper on his boot)
Link: What did I miss? (He doesn't notice the toilet paper) I was kinda busy for about fifteen minutes.
Announcer: We can see that...Now, get this show moving!
Link: Whatever...Anyways, let's begin. Welcome, ladies and losers to Big Brother Zasalamel!
(Applause)
Link: Thank you, thank you. Moving on, I'll explain the rules. Basically, you have twenty four Soul Calibur characters stuck in a large mansion for five months, and the audience can see what kinds of destruction they can pull on each other! At the end, we'll decide a winner, and that lucky person wins...um, I don't know what that person wins! The producers will have to figure that out at the end. And on a more interesting note---no weapons! This is just so nobody beats everybody up during the first five minutes of the show, you know what I mean? Other than that...
(A large screen behind Link turns on)
Link: These were the interviews that were conducted on everybody's opinions on the show!
(The room darkens, and one by one each of the contestant's interviews (well, portions of them) are showed)
Ivy: Well, because this stupid show is in my stupid mansion, I should get first dibs on everything!
Xianghua: Yay! I love gameshows! Oh, look, it's a camera! I love cameras! (Xianghua repeatedly pokes the screen and smudges it)
Sophitia: I do hope Pyrrha and Patroklos are okay; who will cook for them? And I think I left the stove on all night...
Nightmare: More souls...to collect on Big Brother Zasalamel!
Raphael: Finally, a chance to be with the lovely ladies...and Cassandra! (Gets hit over the head with a shield)
Cassandra: Besides that bastard Raphael, I just want to win the prize and glory of being on this show!
Talim: Wind, help me win on Big Brother Zasalamel!
Tira: I hate gameshows...but at least I love hula hoops!
Yun-Seong: (Sniff)...I want my Mommy! And I wanna win on Big Brother Zasalamel!
Seong Mi-na: Whatever.
Kilik: My destiny is...to win on a crazy gameshow! Mwahahaha!
Cervantes: Yargh! You'll never find me gold! I'll win it on this show, laddies!
Yoshimitsu: Die, everybody! And come join my ninja clan!
Maxi: (while using hairspray) This show better not affect my hairstyle, or else!
Taki: The only reason why I'm doing this is so I can kill Mitsurugi!
Setsuka: Life sucks. That is, unless I get the prize money!
Voldo: Grrrrrrrrrrr...
Mitsurugi: Ah, Taki, how I love thee...heheh...
Siegfried: So the real reason why I missed my haircut was to destroy the Soul Edge, defeat Nightmare, and join this fing gameshow?
Olcadan: I'll bite anybody with my beak who thinks I can fly...
Astaroth: I'll crush you all and win the prize money!
Rock: I guess I'll just club random people until they get knocked out...
Necrid: Why am I even here? I'm not even in Soul Calibur 3!
A/N: If he weren't here, there would be an odd number!
Zasalamel: Hmph. At least I'm the Big Brother around here...
(The screen dims)
Link: Anyways, that's it, really. Let's go outside to meet the contestants...
Scene: Outside the Valentine Mansion's front gates. All of the contestants are outside, including their several suitcases as well.
(The contestants are all standing around talking to each other)
(Sophitia, who had been walking around for no good reason, heads over to Nightmare, hoping to strike up a conversation)
Sophitia: So, what do you do for a living?
Nightmare: Collect souls, beat people up, and eat kids.
(Sophitia backs away nervously)
(Meanwhile, Talim and Cervantes are in the middle of a strange conversation)
Siegfried: So, what does Ivy enjoy saying to random guys like myself?
Cervantes: Argh! I'm glad ye asked what me daughter says! Ye can have me booty, but ye can't have me chest!
(Dead silence...)
Siegfried: I'll act like I didn't hear anything...
(Xianghua and Setsuka are busy having another conversation)
Xianghua (repeatedly poking Setsuka): I'm sorry, I have this disease where I like to poke random stuff. You okay with that?
Setsuka: Um, sure, I guess...
(Taki is ready to pop a vein at any moment, that is with the talk she is having with the samurai)
Mitsurugi: Taki, I want to---
Taki: Finish that sentence and you'll be eating through a straw!
Mitsurugi: ---Be with you forever and ever?
(Taki karate chops the back of Mitsurugi's neck and he get knocked out)
Taki: Bastard.
(Maxi is busy combing his hair while talking with a very distressed Ivy)
Maxi: So, have any good stuff in this house? Do you have---
Ivy: ---No, I don't have a hair care room.
Maxi: You're a good guesser.
Ivy: Whatever. Just don't swim in my Olympic pool, okay?
Tira: You've got an Olympic pool?
Ivy: What of it?
Maxi: Hey, she's just curious. What else have you got here?
Ivy: Shut up, or die!
Tira: Come on! Tell us!
Ivy: Fine. Just don't tell anybody about the billiards room, fighting arena, the sauna, and the hedge maze.
Maxi: Hey, Cassandra!
(Maxi runs over to her, and in a matter of seconds everyone is crowding around Ivy, including Link)
Ivy (ranting): God, my life sucks. My dad is here, my fricking mansion is being used by all these losers, and Mr. Elven Green Shirt is the fricking host of this fricking show!
(While Ivy continues to rant, Link walks over to the front of the gates)
Link: Okay! Everybody here?
Nightmare: Get a move on already before I eat your soul! And Sophitia's kids!
Link: Oh, I'm so scared...Anyways, here I have the list of roommates who you'll be spending five months with!
(Link clears his throat, with everybody looking on nervously)
Link:
Sophitia Alexandra, Nightmare! (Sophitia: No! He'll eat my kids...)
Chai Xianghua, Setsuka! (Setsuka, with Xianghua still poking her: Shit...)
Ivy Valentine, Voldo! (Ivy: My life just got a whole lot worse)
Rock, Necrid!
Cassandra Alexandra, Talim!
Hong Yun-Seong, Tira!
Seong Mi-na, Kilik!
Cervantes de Leon, Olcadan! (Cervantes: I'll show Bird Butt what it mean to be a true fighter! Yargh!)
Yoshimitsu, Astaroth!
Zasalamel, Siegfred Schtauffen!
Maxi, Raphael Sorel! (Maxi: I do hope he has good hair care products...)
And finally, Heishiro Mitsurugi, Taki! (Taki: I'll have to kill him quicker...)
Link: Okay people, let's head on in!
(The gates open behind Link, and all the contestants carry their luggage inside, not knowing what dangers would lie ahead during their stay in the Valentine Mansion).
A/N: Wow, I actually wrote that much in one day...weird. Anyways, this time I decided to try a new writing style that's different from Death's Apprentice; it would be hard to write BBZ if it weren't in this format. I didn't have anyone read over this, so I don't know if there are any errors or not. It wasn't until about the middle of this chapter when I realized that having a reality show with twenty four characters would be rather difficult---and I'm talking twenty four, here. Not eight, ten, or fifteen, (like the usual reality show), but twenty four. Since that I was pretty close to finishing I decided to just keep going with it. I'll try to make it so every single character has a role; I can't focus on everybody, but I'll do what I can.
-Abzanguinaut342
Note: About Cervantes' saying regarding the 'booty' and the 'chest'...I saw that saying on a shirt in Annapolis, Maryland. I just felt that by seeing Cervantes as a loser it would make things more interesting.