I have never felt free. Not even when I was a human. I had legs to run with, but no will to find freedom. I never got to frolic or play with the other children like my sister did. She had freedom and she took it for granted like any child would. I loved and cared for her as I knew a sister should. But, in a strange, most minuscule way, I envied her. Had she been born first, my life would have been normal. She would have been the protector, and I would have been free, free to be ordinary.
When I was born I was assigned a job I had to do unwillingly. I did not ask to be a miko. I did not ask to be the protector of the Shikon Jewel.
I did not take pride in my job, nor the life I led.
Everyone told me that my job was terrific, that I should revel in, the fact that I would forever protect the jewel from devious demons. The fact that I was a powerful miko with many talents led them to believe that I was blessed. I was meant to be special. They'll never understand how much I detested my job. Protecting a Jewel? What pride is there in that? I slaughtered vicious, power hungry demons to protect the Shikon No Tama! Of course, along the way I met someone special.
InuYasha…
I was fortunate enough to find someone similar to me in so many ways. He too did not want to be what he was. He hated the way that his half demon blood would provoke abuse from the villagers just as I hated the way my mere presence caused praises to fall from their lips.
Like InuYasha, I didn't like to express emotion. He didn't because of fear, I have come to believe. Fear of being thought of as weak. Myself, I didn't want to feel, I had nothing to feel. I had no hopes, dreams, or faith in a better life. But he helped me see otherwise, and eventually I fell in love with InuYasha.
Formerly, InuYasha and I both had doubts. Neither of us really knew how to love or care for someone else. Nobody had been there to teach us or show us what it meant. His understanding led me to believe that half demon men can have other motives to get close to me than to claim the jewel. Despite feeling something for each other, our barriers were never let down. Because of these doubts, our fragile trust was surely going to shatter, and it did.
I will never forget that day. I remember every moment, every second, and every thought.
I will never forget the sharp claws that ripped through my body. The unforgiving claws that made sure I made it to the other world. But, I didn't feel physical pain. I felt betrayed. I was left to die with the same darkness that had forever eaten at my soul. I was no longer Kikyo. I was a being that felt only hatred. I did not feel pain, sorrow, and no angst was left.
Now, once again trapped in this world, the responsibility of the jewel's protection is in somebody else's hands. I was reborn into a body made of soil and magic, and I hold a part of her soul.
At present, I live off of other souls. I can almost feel their emotions, and for a second I feel alive again, though that second never lasts long enough. No matter what I do, or how hard I try I can never feel like a mortal again.
Even though I no longer protect the jewel, I still feel caged. I was never once free, so why would I be now in resurgence?
My reincarnation is what I have always wanted to be. She has done everything I've ever wanted to do. Kagome has shown him how to love, how to trust. Something I could never do, because in order to teach, one must be knowledgeable of the subject itself. She has given him so much more than I would have ever been able to.
His eyes are no longer the same; they show love and trust, emotions I doubt I ever fully felt. Emotions I know I never will.
His touch no longer affects me. There is no longer a person out there who understands me, for he has changed.
The way they look at each other. It must be love. Something I could never experience.
So I am alone, walking this un-chosen path, trapped in this body.
Semi-alive, but always trapped.
Hey guys! Finally got a post up. (: I apologize for the wait, but as we all know schedules can be time consuming. I hope you enjoy it. It's my first story in Kikyo's POV.