DISCLAIMER: I own absolutely nothing in this story and do not intend to make profits off this story.
A Guilty Pleasure
A long and tedious day at the skool was finally over and Zim could not wait to get back to his home base to plot doom on those wretched humans. There's only so much a diabolical Irken could take in a day. Hideously stupid children, disgusting filth otherwise known as food, the grating Ms. Bitters but especially that boy, human…thing with the abnormally large head: Dib. That horrible, stinky and crazy boy Dib. Zim never went a day without having Dib breathe down his neck constantly pestering him with questions about his home planet and otherworldly habits…
"Don't they have water fountains on your planet, Zim? Any other aliens that you know, Zim?" Oh how Zim would love for Dib to see the day that the earth would be destroyed by the great Irken Invader and bow down to his ever-so-present greatness.
After a fifteen minute walk, Zim finally arrived at the tall, narrow blue house with the lawn gnomes adorned around the front lawn as a tall flag proclaimed: "I heart Earth!" in order to avoid suspicion. Zim opened the door to be greeted by his robot parents. "Welcome home, son!" they were programmed to say in unison but Zim would never reply back. He immediately saw his robot sidekick GIR sitting on the couch giggling hysterically over his favorite TV show "The Scary Monkey Show". Zim could not understand what GIR saw in that horrible monkey. Oh how he loathed that monkey.
"HI!! Where's my burritos?" squealed GIR as he finally acknowledged Zim's presence.
"No, GIR. I have no burritos. None at all. NOOOONE!!" Zim proclaimed in his typical flick-of-a-switch booming tone.
GIR pouted sadly but his attention had turned to a small fly on the wall which caused GIR to fall off the couch and break into a hysterical fit of laughter. Over the high pitched cackling, a little electronic twitch could be heard but Zim had disregarded this as just another one of his advanced pieces of Irken technology.
"GIR, today was absolutely wretched and you remember what best cures an ever so wretched day?" boomed Zim as he stared directly at GIR.
"Pretzels?"
"No, GIR…you know what I mean. Come with me to the equipment room." said Zim as GIR got up from the floor and followed Zim to the kitchen. Once Zim reached the toilet, he flushed himself down as GIR followed him down. But something else was following our dynamic duo. The electronic device twitched again.
Once Zim and GIR finally reached the equipment room, Zim walked over to a storage closet which had a small dialing pad beside it. Zim entered the password and the closet opened to reveal a sight so shocking yet captivating that it caused GIR to be stunned and giddy. There were tons of evening gowns, corsets, mini skirts, tube tops, feather boas along with a collection of wigs and high heeled shoes.
"GIR, it's time to free our INNER WOMAAAAN!!" yelled Zim.
"Yay!! I like inner woman!" chirped GIR as he grabbed a makeup bag and began to put on some ruby red lipstick.
"Okay, let's see what disguise for now…" said Zim as he reached his gloved hand into the sea of leather and sequins.
Minutes later, Zim and GIR became drastically different creatures. Zim was wearing a blonde Farrah Fawcett-esque wig, a sparkling midnight blue dress, silver platform boots and a hot pink feather boa around his shoulders. His eye contacts were complimented with blue eyeshadow, false eyelashes and fuchsia lipstick. Meanwhile, the zipper on GIR's dog costume was caught in his purple bob wig but GIR definitely admired himself in a shiny jade green tube top, tight leather mini skirt and red high heels. Zim flipped the feather boa behind his shoulder.
"GIR, does this dress make my skin look flawless?!" asked Zim.
"Yessir!" replied GIR in his functional SIR voice which quickly reverted back to his regular, ditzy voice.
"DANCE PARTY!!!"
Suddenly, a classic synthesized pop beat filled the airwaves of the control room as Zim and GIR began to dance. As much as Zim despised Earth, there were still some things he was quite entranced by on this planet. Zim knew and loved this song off by heart so he began to sing (rather off-key) at the very top of his squidley spooch…
"I phone home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones
But girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls just wanna have fun!"
As GIR sang the beat (which sounded more like "doo doo do doo, doo do do doo doo's"), Zim began to attempt his own version of the moonwalk. Even though Zim's goal was destruction, he loved taking time out to dance to silly pop music dressed in drag…as long as The Almighty Tallest never found out, everything would be okay...
Meanwhile, in another home in the neighborhood, Dib was in his room sitting at the computer as five floating TV screens floated around him. He sat in his chair giggling with delight as he waited for the live video feed on his computer to load.
"Finally! I can get a chance to prove to the Swollen Eyeball Network that Zim really is an alien planning our doom! The last time didn't work but now I'm sure that he's planning on doing something horrible and evil…aah, I'm so excited!" said Dib with glee as he saw the loading status at 88 percent. He still had time to prepare the Swollen Eyeball Network for the live alien feed.
"Agent Darkbooty! Agent Darkbooty! Come on! You gotta see this and I really mean it! It's not a joke or anything! I'm serious!" said Dib as he frantically pressed on the button on one of the floating computer screens. Finally, the silhouette of a bald man with narrow red eyes showed up on the screen.
"What is it now, Agent Mothman?" asked Agent Darkbooty with some irritation in his deep voice.
"I've got the real live feed from the alien's house! You gotta see this!" smiled Dib as the live feed was finally completed loading…
On the computer screen, Zim and GIR were still having a jolly good time in their flashy outfits but now they were singing a very spirited but dreadfully out of tune duet…
"Gitchie gitchie ya ya da da
Gitchie gitchie ya ya here
Mocha Tocha latta ya ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"
The only colors on Dib's face was his cheeks getting rosier and his face becoming paler with shock and embarrassment. Agent Darkbooty shook his head.
"This? This is what you wanted to show me? I'm afraid to think of what else you really study other than the paranormal." sneered Agent Darkbooty as the floating screen shut off. Dib would never see Zim the same way again.
The End