"Fuggitaboutit, Sod'em!"
SopranoMakeBelieve Sketch 5 of 13/Volume One
by Reelmakebelieve at AOL
Original Composition Date: 1/20/03 12:19 PM Pacific Daylight Time
Saddam Hussein's palace. Paulie Walnuts and Silvio Dante are led into Saddam's chambers. Saddam is there to greet them.Saddam: Boys! Silvio! Paul!
Paulie: 'Ey Sod'em. How's it hangin'?
Saddam: Not bad. So good to see again. Silvio!
Silvio: What's happenin', Chief? Ever get lost in this friggin' palace you got here?
Saddam: All the time. Sit, sit. How was trip?
Silvio: Eh ... long.
Paulie: I got so much jet lag I don't know if it's day or night. All I know is that it's a hundred and seventeen degrees out there and my sciatic's acting up again.
Saddam: I love the hot. More hot more I love. If you do like me -- Yoga -- in the morning ... you don't even think the hot. 'Nother thing I do -- stand on my head twenty minute a day. When all the blood rush to my face, aaahhhhh, I love, I love, I don't have worry, I don't have care. What about drink?
Silvio: Eh ... Sod'em, if you don't mind ...
Saddam: You want envelope?
Paulie: Yeah. Then we'll be on our way. Peaceably.
Saddam: Always with the money, Americans. That's all you think. No time to relax and talk shop.
Silvio: Talk shop? We're on the brink of war here, Sod'em.
Saddam: War. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What they find -- one little tiny bomb, maybe two. For this, you start war? Go search! Search all you want! Where you think I hide bomb -- in my toupee? In my asshole? They have more bomb in Tanzania than I have.
Silvio: We ain't never been to Tanzania.
Saddam: Off Garden State parkway, exit before you get to Newark. Hahahaha!
Silvio: (to Paulie) He's a fuckin' comedian this motherless sonavabitch.
Saddam: I have war with the father, I have war with the son, in twenty-five year, I have another war with the grandson. Who care! Hahahahaha!
Paulie: Shecky Greene over here!
Silvio: You don't want this war, my friend. This ain't Jersey and New York we're talkin'.
Paulie: Eh listen there, El Presidente ... off the subject a little bit ... the state department wants to know ...
Saddam: I know what they want to know.
Paulie: Well where is he? And this is direct from Rumsfeld himself.
Saddam: Where is who?
Paulie: You know who.
Silvio: What are we playin' -- Trivial Pursuit here, Sod'em? Tell us right now where the fuck this Bin Laiden is!
Saddam: Where he is. Oh, my God. If only I knew! (sighs) Was like son to me. Bring tear to my eye to think what he become. After attack he come to me ... "I do for you, Saddam. I am with your crew now." I tell him to get out. I am friend of United States. I don't know where he go.
Paulie: You're lying, Sod'em.
Saddam: It's Sa-dam! SA-DAM! How many time I tell you? And so what I lie? Stop inspection, I bring you Bin Laden.
Silvio: No deal.
Saddam: What -- I am not good for my word?
Silvio: Your word don't mean diddly-squat. Look at them girls you gave me to dance at the Bing. I'd like to know when they take these veils off?
Saddam: You told me you want girls, I give you girls.
Paulie: Look here, Ali Baba ... we're a little short on patience this time around. Fork over what you owe ... and we'll be outta here.
Saddam: I have bad news, gentlemen. I don't have this month.
Silvio: You don't have this month? You hear this shit, Paulie?
Paulie: You're gonna let us go back to the big man with zilch?
Saddam: Business off, how much you think I get for barrel of oil these day?
Paulie: Fuck this shit! Who do you think you're fuckin' with -- Condoleeza Rice over here?
Saddam: So I'm short this month. I give you double plus interest tack on to principal next time!Paulie: There will be no next time! WHERE'S OUR MONEY?!
Saddam: Oh! Relax, Paulie Walnut! Saddam make joke. What happen sense of humor?
Paulie: It was burnt off by the desert heat, you camel-lovin' hard-on, now where's the cash?
Saddam: How I become made guy like you guys? I want to be made guy. I like this made guy shake down.
Paulie: (to Silvio) Look'a this shit here.
Saddam: I have good friend in United States. Sean Penn, George Clooney ... they are made guys?
Paulie: Who told you George Clooney was a made guy?
Saddam: No? George Clooney, he love me. I have autograph.
Paulie: George Clooney is on the endangered species list.
Saddam: He is not made guy? Jeez, Saddam thinks George Clooney is made guy.
Silvio: Aw right, Sod'em, look it, enough'a this shit -- you're a man of respect, we know dat and you know dat.
Saddam: Yes, man of respect, but not made guy.
Silvio: You wanna make a deal, let's make a deal.
Saddam: What kind deal? I like this Jersey talk. Made guy talk.
Silvio: Our friend, Tony Soprano, you know ... got pinched. And uh ... the Feds thinks they got him where they want him now, so they devised this unique situation to use us as envoys ...
Paulie: Garbage men, in other words. Doin' their dirty work.
Silvio: Puttin' our special skills to task, so to speak.
Paulie: All in the name of freedom.
Silvio: That's why we're doin' what we're doin', as strange as it sounds.
Paulie: Not that we're not patriotic. I was born in America.
Silvio: What we're thinkin' here is ... uh a few of these U.N. inspectors ... they're in to us a little too deep.
Paulie: Gamblers.
Silvio: What happens if a few of them don't see somethin' ... that they're supposed to see?
Saddam: What is my end of bargain?
Silvio: That is your end of the bargain. Say you got a warhead, inspectors come snoopin' around ...
Paulie: ... it disappears mysteriously.
Silvio: Then you pull a few strings ... and Tony walks.
Saddam: But I don't have warhead.
Silvio: Aw right, let's get outta here.
Paulie: Yeah, we're done talkin'.
Saddam: But wait a minute, Gentlemen, make me offer I can't refuse.
Silvio: You don't understand. One hand washes the other, and both hands wash the face.
Saddam: I don't take bath in two year, what you talkin'?
Paulie: You don't have warheads, you don't have Bin Laiden, you don't have the cash! This guy's worse than Johnny Sack!
Silvio: C'mon Paulie.
Saddam: Okay, wait! We whack inspectors! We have sit down! Then I get ten percent of Junior shy' business! Like this I become made guy?
Paulie: Fuggitaboutit, Sod'em!
Saddam: Don't you think I have enough on my plate! I don't want New Jersey mob angry with me.
(Paulie and Silvio just look at him, then leave)
Saddam: All I want is to be made guy. Wait! Don't fuggitaboutit!