"Jog on Princess"
The cold air hit her face as she stepped outside, jumping slightly as the door slammed shut behind her. Where could she go? What would she do? She stumbled forward, her eyes adjusting to the light, it felt like days since she had last left the safety of the house. It probably was, she had lost all track of time, lost track of everything; her mind was whirring at a hundred miles an hour, yet she couldn't think. He had come to get her; she had heard him from her hiding place upstairs shouting and pleading for scraps of information. She had almost called out to him, part of her longed to feel his arms around her, protecting her, but she knew that this would just have made everything worse. Peter had always had that hold over her, he would lull her into a false sense of security and then betray her, just as everyone did.
She found herself aimlessly walking down the road, boarded up houses on both sides, a place for people with no other options. It was a place so familiar to her, like stepping back in time. She had always hated this estate but being here helped her remember her past, keep something of herself when everything else felt so foreign. When she had left the medical centre all those days ago she had drifted back here almost by accident. She couldn't remember much of that day, except an overwhelming fear that meant she could never return home to Peter, that going back would only cause everybody pain, that 'they' would be waiting for her.
As she walked she felt a mixture of relief that she had avoided capture and despair that she was still causing pain to those she loved, she had heard the desperation in their voices earlier, wished they could understand that she wasn't worth their concern. She could hear children playing nearby, so full of hope and joy, the benefit of youth, how she wished life could be that simple again. She stopped and leant against a nearby wall, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart. What was she going to do? She couldn't stay around here, in case 'they' came to find her, but where else was there? She tried to concentrate, come up with a plan, but her brain wouldn't co-operate, the voices of doubt that had consumed her the last few weeks wouldn't abate. She gave up and looked around, she must have been walking for about fifteen minutes so far, the houses now surrounding her had increased in size, with well tended gardens and new cars on the driveways. She could see the curtain twitching across the street, disapproving eyes watching her. She wrapped her cardigan tighter around herself and carried on walking, eyes to the floor, wishing she could disappear. She needed to keep going, keep walking, find somewhere she could feel safe again, where she wouldn't be noticed.
A bus pulled up yards ahead of her, she considered boarding, then remembered she had no money. She had lost her cards days ago, at least she thinks they were lost, everything was so jumbled. Maybe she had thrown them away in a moment of clarity, when she realised 'they' would be monitoring them. A bus was a bad idea anyway, it would have cameras and people and noise, all things she could not bear to face. She shuddered at the thought as she moved past, at least walking left her in control of her destination, even if she didn't know yet where that was. She heard laughing behind her, probably friends sharing a joke, or was it directed at her? Did they know what she had done, think she deserved her pain? Was it all in her head? she no longer knew.
She didn't even notice the night draw in. She now had no idea where she was, she had been walking for hours, meandering through street after street, unable to shake the feeling that she was not yet lost enough, that she needed to keep going. She was exhausted. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten a decent meal, and meaningful sleep had evaded her for so long she had given up on ever feeling rested again. But she knew she couldn't keep going for much longer. She looked around, she was now in a built up area, offices and small business surrounding her, dimly lit and almost deserted, their daytime occupants now home with their families she imagined. She noticed a doorway set back from the main street and she found herself walking towards it. She could feel the first spots of rain hitting exposed skin, and moved more quickly, grateful for the shelter the canopy above it would offer. This would have to do. She slumped against the side of the porch, pulling her knees to her chest, trying to conserve as much warmth as possible as she let her head rest against the cold brick. The occasional whirring of cars driving past just out of sight was almost comforting as she tried to relax, wondering if she would finally succumb to her tiredness, but afraid to close her eyes as she knew it would leave her vulnerable to the unknown dangers all around. She wondered if Peter was still out looking for her. She hoped he would stop now, move on with his life, find the happiness that seemed to always evade them both. She wished she could believe that he wasn't helping 'them', she knew he loved her, that he thought he was doing what was right for her. She wanted nothing more than to go back in time, she would do things so differently. She imagined being wrapped in his arms, feeling warm and loved and happy. She could still remember those times clearly, the seemingly insignificant times with him where she could just 'be', with no judgement or pretence. She felt herself finally drifting towards sleep, immersing herself in her memories.
"Oi, tramp, get a job!"
She jolted awake just in time to dodge the metal can flying directly at her as two lads sniggered as they walked away. She should have known it was too good to be true, she didn't deserve sleep anyway.