"Survivor: New Jersey"
SopranoMakeBelieve Sketch 6 of 13/Volume One
by Reelmakebelieve at AOL
Original Composition Date: 2/13/03 7:28 AM Pacific Daylight Time
Livia Soprano wanders aimlessly in a wooded area of Northern New Jersey. Her clothes are tattered and torn, her face and hair muddied. Tony calls from afar.Tony: Ma'! MA'!
Livia: Who's there?
Tony: It's me, Ma'!
Livia: Who's me?
Tony arrives, he is also in shambles.
Tony: Who do you think, Ma'?
Livia: Oh, it's you. It's about time. What ja' forget I was still alive?
Tony: We're the only two left, Ma'. You all right?
Livia: I'm all right. My back is broken but I slept like a log last night.
Tony: Good for you. 'Cause I didn't sleep at all.
Livia: You'll get used to it. I could'a swore I saw Settima walking through the forest last night.
Tony: You're dehydrated, Ma'. 'Causes hallucinations sometimes.
Livia: Want some blackberries?
Tony: Nah.
Livia: I picked them myself.
Tony: I'm full, I just had an earth worm.
Livia: Oh, that's disgusting. Why do you eat those things?
Tony: 'Cause maybe they were fresh outta proscuit'.
Livia: That's not even funny. What was the name of that friend of yours had them tape worms?
Tony: What friend?
Livia: They ate his insides out, started in his intestines and worked their way right up into his brain.
Tony: I killed it first, Ma'. Wit' my bare hands, the worm. Then I mashed it up, aw right?
Livia: You're disgusting.
Tony: Well, how do you expect me to survive out here?! I lost twenty pounds already, my pants don't even fit no more!
Livia: Well, excuse me. What I'd like to know is what kind of a man puts his family through this kind of ordeal anyway? If your father was alive ...
Tony: Ah, would ja' just stop it with my father, Ma'? They called me on the phone, these Survivor people, they said it would be easy. Spend a few nights in the woods, collect a million dollars, who wouldn't say yes?
Livia: And ya' had to drag your whole family with you?
Tony: They wanted everybody. How did I know?
Livia: Your wife, your poor children, your sick Uncle Junior ...
Tony: Ma' ... they wanted an average American family ...
Livia: Not to mention your own mother. What kind of a son sacrifices his own mother's health like this?
Tony: I'm sorry, Ma', what'd ya' want me to say? I got hooked into it.
Livia: To put your mother in front of t.v. cameras for the whole world to look at it, for what? For what?! Why don't you just dig a hole in the ground and throw me in it!
Tony: You wanna stop it, Ma'?
Livia: Throw dirt over me and run off with the grand prize for yourself! You only have one mother, Anthony!
Tony: Yeah. Thank God.
Livia: (cries) For a million dollars, a measly million dollars. (thinks for a second) You know they take taxes outta that money anyway. So what good is it? The government grabs half of it, all you're left with is pneumonia.
Tony: We're the only two left, Ma', aw right? What'd we gonna do?
Livia: Your uncle's gone?
Tony: Yeah.
Livia: Between me and you, he was never much of a survivor anyway, your Uncle Junior. He hasn't been playing with a full deck for years. I told Johnny many times, don't even bother with him.
Tony: Ma' ... I'm hungry, I'm tired, I wanna get outta here. One of us has gotta win, the udder one's gotta lose.
Livia: Then let me win. I'll give all the money to the poor people.
Tony: You'll what?
Livia: You need all that money with that big house you got?
Tony: Ma', why do ya' think I'm doin' this?
Livia: I don't know. Because you're bored?
Tony: 'Cause I need the money for your retirement. How do you think I'm gonna pay for Green Grove?
Livia: Then you'll have to beat me to death with a club! 'Cause that's the only way you're gonna drag me off to a nursing home!
Tony: It ain't a nursing home, Ma'.
Livia: I won't go. I don't care how long I have to stay out here.
Tony: Aw right, is this the way it's gonna be? Fine. We'll see who'll survive.
Tony goes, pulling his pants up.
Livia: Go on, run off! We'll see how long you can last on them worms before they start eating away at your insides! Then you'll come runnin' back!