Disclaimer: Disclaimed!

AN: Written in the season 2 hiatus so totally wrong now, lol. Sharon's thoughts while she's waiting for Rusty…

Whatever Happens Next

She had missed it. No, worse than that, she had noticed and dismissed it. She'd dropped the ball. She was supposed to be his guardian and a police captain to boot and she had failed on both counts. Whatever happened next, it was her fault, just as anything that might have happened to Rusty would have been her fault. She shuddered to think of those might have beens. She would never have forgiven herself. Never.

The signs were there, if she'd only paid more attention, listened to her gut. She could see now how the behaviour she'd ascribed to Kris, the Stroh trial and DDA Rios was disproportionate for a boy who had been through as much as Rusty had, she should have realised that there was something more stressing him out, should have seen how afraid he was. What kind of kid stays home on his last day of freedom?

And he'd said 'threats', plural, to Kris in the interview room when he'd thought they were alone, weeks ago, that was what killed her the most. He'd received threats. She'd let Provenza convince her that he'd been exaggerating for Kris's benefit, but he hadn't been, and she should have known that, knowing Rusty as she did. Eleven letters, of increasing severity; he should have been glued to her side. How could she let this happen?

Even Deputy DA Emma Rios couldn't look triumphant as she showed Sharon the letters. Despite the fact that the young prosecutor had always been dead-set against Rusty living with Captain Raydor and these letters were practically an entry ticket to the witness protection program, she couldn't help feeling bad watching the blood drain from Sharon's face as she turned over letter after letter after letter with an increasingly shaky hand.

To Sharon, it was only a sign of how bad things were that Emma was being nice. She could afford to be nice, she had won. Sharon didn't see how she could hang on to Rusty now, not when his life was at risk. A simple escort wasn't going to cut it anymore, he needed to be somewhere this sinister penpal wouldn't find him, not at risk of being gunned down outside of school.

She should have been on the case, after eleven letters she should have found this guy by now. Instead she was standing here staring helplessly at the sheaf of yellow notepaper, knowing that if she'd done her job better this whackjob would be going into confinement, not Rusty. What was she going to tell him? What could she possibly say to convince him that the end of his world was not the end of the world? All he had really asked for since his mother had abandoned him for a second time was that he be allowed to stay with Sharon and now she was going to have to let him go and no matter how much she told herself that it was absolutely necessary, her heart was already breaking for what he was about to go through.

And she was afraid, more afraid than she could say, that Rusty would not stay put if they took him away from her, from his home, and if he ran would he dare return to her? Knowing, as he did, that she would be compelled to return him to his safe house, knowing that she had let them take him in the first place? She couldn't bear the thought of him ending up back on the streets. More unbearable still was the thought that he might very well feel as if he had nothing left to lose after this and nothing left to live for. If he hurt himself over this…

She couldn't let that happen, and yet she couldn't give him a single reassurance about what was going to happen next. Telling him it would be okay would be a lie and she had never done that, never risked breaking the fragile trust she had managed to build with this boy. The truth was, this wouldn't be okay until they had the person making threats against his life, and right now, she had nothing to go on but too-many handwriting samples. She couldn't promise Rusty that he would be coming home again any time soon, she couldn't even tell him that she'd visit. She just didn't have the answers.

How was Rusty supposed to make the best of the situation if she couldn't? Why was he the one being punished for everyone else's sins? First his mother's, then this letter-writer's, and now hers. It was going to take a great many hail Mary's to wash away her guilt: god may forgive but her own conscience was another matter entirely. He could have been killed. She had almost let him get killed…

She looked up at the sound of footsteps, and the sight of Rusty almost broke her. He looked so afraid. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was, how devastated she was, how much she wished that she could make this all better for him. She felt as if her heart had turned to lead. How she longed to throw procedure to the wind and never let him out of her sight, to hell with Taylor and Emma, but she knew better than that. She wished she didn't.

Whatever happened next, she realised that she really only needed him to know one thing, that whether she was with him or not, he wasn't alone.

'Whatever happens next… know I love you.'

AN: Thanks for reading, review if you're feeling kind ;)