A/N: Hey! This random idea came to me and I just had to write it down! I think it'll work best in a series of one shots so here goes nothing. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural :/

It had been a month since Jess's death. After many, many calls from his landlord Sam realized he had to go back to clean out his apartment. He had been dreading this moment for weeks.

After Jess's death, Sam threw some things in a duffle and went back on the road with Dean. He had to find that demon. He HAD to avenge Jessica's death. It was all he could think about. First his mother, now Jess.

When Sam decided to skip that interview, he was turning his back on his life in California. He knew when got to that town, he would start seeing Jess everywhere. He knew when he went to pack up what was left of their things; those memories would come rushing back. He was also certain, that the moment he stepped in that door, he would see her burning on the ceiling over their bed.

Sam jolted awake, sweating and panting, in the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean's gruff voice called out and he slapped his little brother on the shoulder, looking away from the road momentarily. This happened almost every time Sam fell asleep now.

"Hey! Hey! Sam! It's just a nightmare. We are ten minutes out of Stanford."

Trying to catch his breath, Sam nodded. He leaned his head down and caught his face in his hands, elbow rested on the car door. Concern colored Dean's features.

"Sammy, you sure you can do this? I can drop you off and go take care of it, if you changed your mind."

"Nah, man. I have to do this. I owe it to Jess. Plus, I need to talk to my landlord, apologize for bailing like that."

"I'm sure he would understand if you sent me. Listen man, if you change your mind just let me know."

Sam just tilted his chin up in acknowledgment. Taking slow even breaths, he attempted to calm himself. Ten minutes, that's all he had. In ten minutes he would be facing his worst nightmares, literally.

Three AC/DC songs later, the Impala rolled past the 'Welcome to Stanford' sign. The town looked just as he had left it…he was the one who changed. As they cruised through town he tried not to see the bar he and Jess had frequented, the track where they used to run, the bookstore/coffee shop they spent hours a week in or the food joint they shared their first kiss outside of.

THIS was true torture. All those memories, gone, just like that. All that time spent for what…nothing but pain. Every ounce of his heart…wasted. He should have known better than to get so close to someone. When had he ever had anything good in his life last?

Heating up, he started to feel a little dizzy. Leaning his head back as far as possible, Sam tried to block out the memories. If he couldn't handle this, there was no way he would survive their apartment.

Feeling the car jar to a halt, Sam looked ahead of him. They had arrived. He felt Dean's hand brace his shoulder and grip tight to get his attention.

"We can turn back now, Sammy. I promise, you don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do, Dean."

His voice came out a lot more hoarse than he thought it would. Opening the door, he turned and climbed out, slamming it shut behind him. He started the trek to Jess and his place. Dean followed close behind, a bunch of flat boxes in his arms.

At the door, keys in hand, Sam's anxiety was obvious. Those typically steady hands had a noticeable tremor as he attempted to pick the right key on his key ring. Dropping them, Sam started to bend to grab the keys, but Dean swiped them and had the key in the door before Sam could even move a foot.

"I got this man. Let's just get in and pack up."

The smell of char and smoke clung to the apartment like a disease. Officer Lance had said that most of the damage was contained to the bedroom. They had saved most everything. After some renovation, some other unlucky bastard could take this place.

Sam walked straight to the living room and dug though the bottom desk drawer until he found it: the ring box. Slowly opening the black velvet box, Sam found the silver ring with the modest diamond placed in the band that he had spent all of his savings on. Jess would have loved it.

Dean saw Sam pull out the black box; he could only assume what it was. He wasn't going to press his brother for information right now. If Sam had intended to marry that girl, it made a lot more since why this destroyed him so badly. As if he didn't have enough reason already.

Dean followed his younger brother around the room, helping him pack. Sam would pull the items; inspect them for a while, memories dancing before his eyes, while Dean put the boxes together. After Sam was done, he would hand the item off, where Dean would pack it.

It took a few hours, but slowly they made their way through the apartment. Four hours and 5 boxes later, they had only one room left: the bedroom.

Walking in was death. He felt the blood drip on his face, heard the shower running, and saw the love of his life, burning to death on the ceiling. Once again, he regretted the fact that he had ignored the visions.

It took Sam five minutes to process and walk all the way into their room. This was the last time he would be here. He didn't know if he wanted to rejoice at that fact or be depressed.

After packing up clothes, photo albums, books, picture frames and little kick knacks, Sam found himself with only Jess's bedside table left. He decided to clean it out bottom to top. Things at the bottom, Jessica didn't care as much about. The objects at the top, on the other hand, were most likely some of the last things she touched.

Dean decided to leave Sammy alone for a little bit, as he started moving the filled boxes to the car. They were almost wrapped up here and he figured his little brother could use some time alone with his thoughts.

Opening the top drawer Sam found some things he expected to find and two things he did not. The corners of Sam's mouth lifted at the sight of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The book was Sam and Jess's favorite of the series, and the one she would read in between books, when they weren't studying. Some nights Sam would stay up late reading the book to Jess, running his fingers through her hair as they cuddled up in bed. Those were the memories he would keep forever.

There were a few other random items he expected to find: remotes, letters from family, headphones, money and a half empty box of condoms. It was only two things that looked out of place, new to this drawer. In the back, right corner of the drawer, closest to the bed and out of sight, he noticed a notepad and brown paper bag.

Sam opened the bag and peered down into it, brows furrowed. Setting it beside him, he moved onto the notepad. The little pad was flipped to the third or four page. Apparently Jess had been trying to write something and kept changing her mind. It looked like she finally settled on something.

Dear Sam,

I'm nervous and I don't really know how to begin.

I'm sorry I waited so long

I know this isn't a good time

I don't know if I'm going to make this a speech or a note. If it is a note I obviously have to rewrite this, now I'm rambling and talking to myself. Oh god, I hope you don't find this…

I have something, kind of big to tell you, and I really hope you don't freak out.

Sam's heart was trying to break out of his ribcage. What was it Jess was so nervous about? They shared nearly everything. He flipped the page to continue reading.

So I have been wanting to tell you something for a while, but you had the LSAT and the interview and finals so it was always just a bad time.

Please just think back to our talks about to future. You said, one day, you wanted to marry me, go to law school, and have children.

Well we may be doing that in a different order. Please, Please, Please, don't freak out. But…. I'm pregnant. About two months now…

Sam flipped the page so fast that he thought he would rip it off. Time seemed to stand still and his heart appeared to stop. Jess was pregnant. The woman, he was madly in love with, and days away from proposing to, had been carrying his child. And he had left her home, alone, and she died. He hoped she would say she was kidding.

I know it's not the best time, that's why I waited. I wanted you to do that interview and tell you later so you wouldn't make you too distracted or anxious. I don't know.

I don't expect you to be really happy about this or anything, I know with law school starting this is something totally unplanned and unwanted. But I can't fathom getting rid of our child. It has killed me to keep this a secret from you. I'm scared, but I'm so happy I could cry.

He wouldn't have been mad. He would have dropped to his knees before her and vowed his life to her and their unborn child. He would have wrapped her in his arms and never let go. He would have worshiped her and promised to be everything his father wasn't, and more. He would have given them the world. But he couldn't now.

I'm scared now, and I'm sure when you first find out, it will be a little rocky, and you will be afraid. But I know who you are Sam, and I know that you will be an amazing father. I can't wait for the day we get to hold our little boy or girl in our arms.

I love you Sam. Know that, forever. From this day, until my last.

Love You Always,

Jessica

Tears streamed down Sam's face, tears he didn't know were falling until they crashed onto his arms. Laying the notepad down, he turned back to the bag. Dumping it out, he found a wrapped package, inside that a pregnancy test, inside of that a peed on stick with a little plus sign. He hadn't just loss Jess, he also lost a child. He failed his family, before he even knew he had one to fail.

A/N: Reviews are very welcome! I'm going to put another one of these up soon. Feel free to send me your ideas!