Lisa opened up her eyes, which didn't mean that she woke up – she didn't even sleep, and hated herself for that. She kept on telling herself that Billy didn't deserve her losing sleep over him, but she hasn't slept properly for the past three years. She kept on promising herself that she would sell that stupid king size bed, but she never did. Instead, Lisa lay on that same bed every night, but only slept when exhaustion hit. Every once in a while, she woke up with her arm stretched out to the side, as if she could reach him. She often reached her son.
Billy couldn't help but squint at the vast clarity that opened up in front of him. The world seemed brighter now that he was outside. This time, the sound of the gates closing behind him really meant freedom. That was the moment he'd been waiting for over three years, and now that it presented itself, Billy didn't know what to do with it.
He looked down at his left hand, missing something he had never worn: a wedding band. He knew that Lisa always wanted them to wear one, but in the world that Billy lived in, having a wife meant having something to lose, and he couldn't afford to lose her. Little did he know that he would end up losing her by his own fault. He didn't know where his leather jacket ended up, but he didn't miss it: the sky was as clear as it could be, that summer was relentless. The midday sun seemed to scorch his skin, but at least it smelled better on the streets than inside that damp, dirty cell.
Billy should be going home, but he stood in front of those gates, with the guards looking down on him like he was a stray dog. Was he? In his pockets, he had just about enough to get moving, and he finally started walking... but he didn't go too far. An old, faded red Dodge Monaco parked right across the street from where he was, and out came a woman that Billy should know, but he didn't anymore. It was Lisa, and despite the heat, his blood froze in his veins. She didn't tell him she was coming, because she could change her mind in the last minute, and she didn't want him to have any kind of expectations. Lisa realized right away that he was thinner, paler, his head shaved again. He was wearing the exact same clothes he did the night when he was busted: boots, jeans, a gray t-shirt. She got out of the car, not really knowing why. They were now just two strangers, with only a daughter in common.
"Hey", she said automatically, getting back in the driver seat. She knew he was eager to drive again, but she wouldn't say a word, and neither would he. Resigned, Billy got in the car, and remained silent for the entire drive. They had been apart for years and should have lots of catching up to do, but it wasn't like that. All Lisa could think about was the first Father's Day when she visited him in jail. She was still hurt, confused and overwhelmed, but didn't think twice about going to see him. And she would never forget the look on his face when she showed him a picture of Emma; he was obviously holding back all the emotions that had been locked up, but they were right in the middle of the prison yard, and he couldn't let it show. But Lisa knew that if he blinked a little harder, a tear would escape.
"She has blue eyes", Lisa said, making him grin.
"Let's hope it's the only thing she got from me."
"Let's hope not."
Back then, in her mixed feelings, Lisa still believed in him. She had seen that he was able to be happy living a relatively normal life. Her hopes faded with time, and all those feelings were now just ashes, memories of a relationship that she felt like it never existed. While Billy thought that Lisa would never forgive him, she knew she already did; however, forgiving him was not enough to make things all right again.
As for Billy, he was cautiously observing the surroundings, everything felt so strange and somehow new. He soon found himself overwhelmed with thoughts of what would happen next. He had no idea, despite having spent the last years thinking about it. For some reason, Billy expected that she had moved from Stokely Hall, but as she drove on, he realized that they were going back to the place that they used to call home. Now, he didn't know what to call it.
Lisa went up the stairs and opened the door. He stepped in, but she stood on the doorway.
"I need to run to the diner to see how things are going today. Just... just, you know. Make yourself at home." She didn't really want to say that, but she had had over three years to figure out what to do once he was out, and apparently, she needed more time to think about it. Billy felt the same way.
After Lisa left, Billy started to recognize what had changed in their house. Damn, it still felt like the safest place on earth, just like it did the first time he was there and kissed Lisa on that exact same spot. But the TV was now decent enough to watch the Superbowl, and the couch could comfortably accommodate a family of four. She had to go bigger with the dining table as well. Everything was spotless, as always. Billy ventured on to the kitchen and since it wasn't Lisa's favorite room in the house, it was almost the same, except for the contents in the fridge: besides a six-pack, there was nothing for people over 10 years old. He really needed to remember what beer tasted like. The first gulp was swallowed with enthusiasm; it quenched his thirst, and Billy was hoping that it would help settle his thoughts.
Now he was consciously stalling; he didn't want to go to what used to be their bedroom. He started with James' room. There were pictures of cars hanging on the walls, which made him smile proudly, since he was the one who got James into liking cars. He also had two shelves packed with car miniatures, all of them shiny as if they were brand new. Billy reached out to the bigger of them: a black Mustang, which made him wonder where his car was, and whether Lisa had sold it. She wouldn't do that, he thought; she liked it way too much. He put the car back where it was, took another sip from the beer, and without giving it much thought, headed to their bedroom. Their bed was still there; he sighed in pathetic relief. There hadn't been one night that he hadn't thought of Lisa finding someone else to love, and that thought was the one that hurt him the most. The bed was neatly made, the two pillows lying side by side. To his left, a pink and white little bed with half a dozen flower shaped cushions and a very weird looking stuffed giraffe. He sat down on their bed and stared at those colorful, cheerful little things, and couldn't help but think about the endless nights that Lisa spent alone in that bed, looking at a baby girl that had no father. And what's worse, the fact that he was out now didn't mean that she had a father either.
Billy put the beer on the nightstand and saw that Lisa had framed the birthday card that James gave him, the day when she told him she was pregnant. Before he knew it, he had to sweep a damn tear away.
"Fuck, I need a cigarette", he thought aloud, and searched Lisa's drawer for a pack, in vain. It was probably better not to keep on searching and mess up her things; the money that he had wasn't enough for a pack. There was not much left for him to do but curse, take a long, hot shower, and watch some TV.
Lisa told Billy that she was going to the diner, but she didn't know for sure where she was going. She drove around for a long time, not wanting to stop anywhere, and not really wanting to keep on driving either. Somehow she ended up at the diner, maybe her car already knew the way and drove by itself. The moment she stepped in, Greg was right at the corner of the counter. They had been working together for over 4 years, and he knew what she had been through. He wasn't exactly supportive of that whole situation she found herself in, and every once in a while he said that she was wasting her time with Billy, but that was about it. Lisa didn't tell him anything, and in turn, he didn't ask – it was their unspoken deal.
"Hey", he nodded. Lisa found it weird that he was behind the counter, as he was always in the office or, in a busy day like that, he was usually walking around the tables, making sure everything was running the way it should.
"What's up, Greg?"
"Not much. How was your morning?"
Lisa cut out the crap.
"Billy's out, if that's what you want to know". She was already checking the supplies, and she forced her mind to keep doing the math on what needed to be bought that day.
"Good", was his monosyllabic answer, and Lisa didn't mind. It wasn't like she wanted to open her heart to anyone anyway. She hid her feelings so well that, by then, no one knew how she felt about Billy, maybe not even herself.
They spent several minutes in silence. When Lisa headed to the office, Greg called her back, making her turn around on her feet.
"You don't need to be here, you know. Everything is under control, you can go."
"Oh, I do need to be here, Greg."
"All right, your call."
She stepped into the office, and then turned back again. When did she get that anxious and unsure? She breathed deeply and tried to reason. If she stayed, she would never be able to concentrate; if she left, she would have to face Billy, but that was bound to happen sooner or later. To hell with it. On her way home, Lisa stopped for cigarettes.
The TV was on and Billy was passed out on the couch. To think that it must have been the best nap he had in years, and the couch wasn't even that comfortable. When Lisa realized it, she was close to touching his face, which she regretted immediately, pulling back her hand. She placed the cigarette packs on the side table and went to her bedroom, tossing her shoes to one side, her bag to another, her thoughts scattered all over the place. He looked so peaceful, but Lisa knew that it only lasted while he slept. Lisa was never able to tame the beast inside him, ever, and that killed her. But still... she couldn't let go of him.
When she came back to the living room, he was up and looking at the cigarettes. Lisa went around the couch and put her old lighter on top of the packs.
"They're for you. We have no ashtrays, though."
Billy shook his head, as if to shake off some thought that was bothering him, and replied in that deep voice that still sent little shivers down her spine.
"That never stopped me from smoking here anyway."
"I guess you're right", Lisa said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "You hungry?"
She immediately remembered the times when she asked him that question in the past, and he replied with the most mischievous smile, sizing her up: "I'm starving." No more ambiguous answers, since there was nothing to be ambiguous about.
"I'd kill for a burger."
There was a whole different meaning to this unintentional pun now, but Lisa chose not to consider that at the moment.
"We would need to go out."
"Is that a problem for you?"
Everything they said meant lots of repressed frustration, disappointment and anger. And those feelings weren't going to go away soon. Lisa indeed had a problem with going out. She didn't know if she was ready to be seen in public with him again – people had judged her enough in the past 3 years. Billy decided for her and stated, after taking a long drag of the cigarette which he craved for so long:
"You look like you could use a burger or two; you've lost even more weight, haven't you?"
In fact, it was the skinniest that Lisa has ever been as a grown up. She went on to grab her purse and they went down the stairs. When Lisa put the key in the lock to open the driver's door, she felt Billy approaching her and placing his hand over hers.
"Let me drive", he almost whispered in her ear. There was no way she could deny that request.
"You don't have a valid license anymore", she said, already handing him the keys. He answered with a smile, and Lisa tried to ignore how good it felt to be by his side on the passenger seat once again. They drove off and stopped at a diner nearby. He wouldn't dare to go to The Dot Spot, where Lisa worked. In silence, they sat and flipped through the menu.
When the waiter came, it seemed like Billy's order was endless, and Lisa couldn't help but smile at his appetite. Her good mood faded after a few minutes, when she realized she had to bring up a serious subject.
"You know... Bodie has a job for you, if you want."
Billy kept looking through the window pane.
"Where?"
"He's working at a construction site nearby, said he can get you something there."
His thoughts were running, in disorder, through his head. He knew that he would have to work when he got out, but he couldn't wrap his head around working in a 9 to 5 job.
"How's the shop?"
"Still closed. You know we don't have enough money to open it up again."
Lisa avoided eye contact at all means. Harsh words needed to get out of her chest.
"You're lucky I didn't sell it. Or your car. You have no idea what we've been through."
"And what makes you think you know what I've been through, Lisa?"
He was right, and though there was no use blaming each other, they couldn't help it. Lisa swallowed the answer that was on the tip of her tongue and decided to bring back the job prospect.
"So, about the job..."
"I need to think about it."
This time, she needed to take a good look at him, and smiled, cynically.
"Yeah, think about it, Billy. I'm sure that there are a million employers out there who just can't wait to give a job to someone who just got out of jail."
Lisa couldn't decide what hurt the most: their words or their silence, which lasted the entire lunch. In the parking lot, he was already walking towards the driver's door, when Lisa walked past him.
"I'm taking you home. I need to pick up the kids."
As much as he missed James – and Emma, even though he never knew her -, Billy didn't even argue. They needed to take one step at a time, and the first steps were hard enough. He just observed Lisa driving, staring intently ahead, and for the first time in that day, there was something about her that he could recognize.
"Are you going to be here when we get back?", she asked, while he was getting out of the car. He walked around the car and bent down to meet her eyes.
"Yeah, I will."
Lisa stared into his eyes and allowed to lose herself in them for a split second.
"Please try not to fuck things up this time."
With that, she drove off, and Billy went inside.
"I'll try, babe. I swear I'll try."