The beginning of YOI always makes me a little uncomfortable because of all the rampant fatphobia from Victor, Minako, and everyone else. I imagine that Yurio's comments after Yuuri managed to lose all that weight would definitely not be helpful. A friend of mine who has struggled with her own eating disorders saw herself in Yuuri's struggles and requested a fic where Yuuri struggles with an eating disorder. This is not meant to romanticize or promote eating disorders in any way, shape, or form. On another note, I've never had an eating disorder, so I did my research and I'm writing to the best of my abilities. Hopefully it's somewhat accurate. Massive trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders.
Yuuri shouldn't be letting this get to him. He shouldn't. But it hurts so much, especially after Victor's less-than-kind remarks about his weight and how hard he worked to lose it. And yet, despite all his efforts, he's apparently gotten nowhere. The accusations of "Pig!" still echo in his brain whenever he lets himself have any downtime.
During the season leading up to the Grand Prix Finals, Yuuri spends most of his time training until he's too exhausted to think, which is a blessing. It's not until he moves to Russia with Victor and finally has a little downtime that he's unable to escape his own self-doubt.
His old friend anxiety is back with a vengeance, and Yuuri can't help but wonder about all the little what-ifs. If he had lost more weight, maybe his skating have been better and actually could have won gold. Maybe the reason Victor doesn't want to marry him yet is because he's not skinny enough.
At first, it's easy enough to hide. Victor just seems to assume that Yuuri doesn't like the Russian food, and he's grateful for the excuse for why he only picks at his dinner. Their busy schedules and Victor's absent-mindedness work in his favor; his fiancé is often gone before Yuuri is in the mornings, so he doesn't notice when Yuuri skips breakfast, and he believes Yuuri when he says that he's already eaten.
When competition season starts up again, practice is more difficult. He tires quickly and has to take more breaks during training. Yuuri's legendary stamina is failing him, but every time he looks in the mirror, he sees no change. He needs to try harder.
Victor, who remains oblivious most of the time, does seem concerned when Yuuri's clothes start to get too big for him. Yuuri just waves it off as training making him more fit. He likes that his shirts are too baggy; it hides how he really looks from the rest of the world.
It all comes to a head at their next competition. Yuuri had noticed himself tiring more easily during practice, but he had no idea how bad it had gotten until he's midway through his free skate. Everything seems hazy and dreamlike, and Yuuri is unsure how he finishes the routine without collapsing.
As he makes his way over to the kiss and cry with Victor, his legs feel like lead and the room twirls in lazy circles around him. Victor is lecturing him about something; probably the last few jumps in his free skate. They had been sloppy, and Yuuri feels bad about it (not good enough!), but he can't hear his coach over the ringing in his ears.
Spots of black flood his vision, and Yuuri makes a grab for Victor's arm. He's not sure if he can hold himself up anymore. Victor makes a surprised noise, and it's the last thing Yuuri hears before his legs buckle and he spirals into unconsciousness.
The next time he wakes, his mouth is dry and he's lying in an uncomfortable bed. He can hear monitors beeping around him. "Yuuri!" Victor exclaims instantly when he opens his eyes. "Thank goodness you're awake!"
"What happened?" Yuuri asks, glancing around what is obviously a hospital room. His memory is a little fuzzy after the free skate.
"You passed out on the way over to the kiss and cry," Victor says tersely, his voice clipped. He seems to be deep in thought about something.
"Vitya?" Yuuri asks tentatively. Is he mad? Has he decided to abandon coaching Yuuri? Yuuri wouldn't blame him. "Is-is something wrong?"
Victor takes a deep breath, and turns to face Yuuri. He's silent for a moment, then the words come tumbling out. "Your blood sugar and nutrients were very low, so they had to put you on an IV. They-they said that you were starving yourself, Yuuri." Victor's voice breaks, but he keeps going. "I should have noticed sooner, I should have done something. I should have realized that you weren't eating, you were so thin." He breaks off with a pained whine that turns into a sob. "I'm so sorry, Yuuri."
Yuuri's heart shatters at the look on Victor's face. "It's not your fault," he says instantly. "Honestly, Victor, none of this would have happened if I could just be good enough. It's all my fault, really."
Apparently, he's doing the opposite of comforting Victor. The other man looks stricken, even more upset than before. "Yuuri," he says brokenly, taking Yuuri's hand in his own. "I wish that you could see how wonderful you are." Yuuri ducks his head, but Victor tips his chin up so that they're making eye contact. Yuuri gulps nervously, and Victor rubs the back of his hand that isn't plugged into the IV.
"You don't need to change anything. I love you the way that you are." Victor holds up a hand when Yuuri tries to interrupt. "I know that you don't see it that way, and I'm sorry. We're going to work through this together, okay?"
When Yuuri nods, his eyes full of tears, Victor pulls him into a gentle hug. "Get some rest. I'll be here."
When Yuuri wakes up, there's a comfortable weight resting on his legs. He opens his eyes to see Victor, sound asleep in his chair with his head resting on Yuuri's bed. Yuuri feels a warmth in his chest at the sight.
"The geezer refused to go to bed," says a bored voice from across the room. Yuuri glances up to see Yuri standing in the doorway. The teenager seems on edge about something, twisting his hands anxiously.
"What are you doing here, Yurio?" Yuuri asks, not unkindly. Yuri had been competing against him this weekend, but Yuuri can't imagine why he'd come visit him in the hospital.
Yuri continues to fidget for a moment, his eyes flitting anxiously around the room. "I'm sorry, okay?" he finally bursts out. "I-I really didn't mean what I said before, about you being a pig. I'm really sorry," he finishes in a small voice, gaze dropping to the floor.
"It's alright, Yuri," Yuuri says gently, and Yuri jerks his head up, eyes wide and startled. "I forgive you. I know that you didn't mean it."
Yuri stands there awkwardly for a few seconds. "Well, I hope that you feel better soon, so that the geezer will stop moping so much." Apparently done here, he turns to leave.
Yuuri smiles at his retreating back, recognizing it as Yuri's own way of caring. Victor is still sound asleep. His neck is going to kill him when he wakes up. He gently slips his fingers into Victor's, thinking to himself. Victor had said that they would get through this together; Yuuri believes him.
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