I can tell that tonight is going to be a bad night. If I had to rank tonight out of ten, it would be a three. I'm sitting on the floor playing the video game Pidge and I bought from the space mall, and the blue light from the screen is definitely gonna keep me up late. Im guessing I'll go to sleep around 4:00 AM tonight. Actually, maybe more like 6:00. It's only, actually what time is it? Oh shit it's already 11:30 PM. I missed dinner again. I have to eat something, but there's probably no one in the kitchen at this hour, right?

I stand up and my head is filled with fluid. I feel like there's a fuzzy, squishy, bowling ball crammed in my skull. I close my eyes and stand still while I wait for the bowling ball to turn into a wiffle ball. When the world evens out, I still have a throbbing headache. It's probably because of dehydration. The last time I had something to drink was at lunch, and that was 10 hours ago.

I'm leaving my room and heading towards the kitchen when I hear the sound of two pairs of footsteps. I hide in the crevice in the hallway- I don't want anyone seeing me so disheveled.

"Remind me why you like training so late?" says Shiro. The only other person who trains at this hour is Keith, so the other set of footsteps must belong to him.

"I like the quiet and training with a full stomach. Thank goodness for Hunk, I can barely cook with Earth food, there's no way I could manage to make myself a good alien breakfast. I prefer just waiting for Hunk and sleeping in." Yeah, that's Keith. I can recognize mullet-heads voice anywhere.

"Never thought you'd be the lazy type. Speaking of lazy, have you noticed Lance has been a lot more lethargic recently? He's behind on his duties to Voltron." Have I really been that obvious?

Keith's footsteps stop and he says, "Shiro, he did just lose a friend." Kind words from the mullet? Now that's unexpected.

Shiro turns toward Keith, shoulders tense and says, "I understand that, but he's had a week to rest. I get that he's sad, but stuff still needs to get done. Voltron can't wait for him. He sits in bed all day- he's not being productive at all. Honestly, it's embarrassing." That stings. And I wouldn't call it sadness, it's more of an overwhelming sensation of absolute nothingness.

"I get where you're coming from," Keith puts his hand on Shiro's shoulder and says, "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately since the whole coming back to life thing. Let's call it a night, go give yourself a well deserved break and get a good night's rest. Sound good?"

Shiro lets out a deep sigh. He uses right hand to rub out the tension in his jaw and says, "Sounds great. Night Keith" He turns toward his room and waves to Keith.

"Goodnight Shiro," Keith says, and then he also makes his way to his space quarters.

That was definitely a conversation I wasn't supposed to hear. I don't think it's fair that Shiro expects me to brush off my friend dying and just go back to being normal, but I don't want to talk with him about it now. He has to deal with figuring out his new body while simultaneously organizing an entire resistance. We're due to arrive at an allied planet in 2 weeks and it'll be some version of a vacation, so I'll just suck it up until then.

I go back to my room. I don't feel like eating anymore.

I was right; I didn't go to bed until 5:30 AM. Once I was in bed I don't think I actually fell asleep for another hour. I kept telling myself to put down the controller and close my eyes, but the more influential side of me didn't want to let go. Actually, it's more like i couldn't muster up the energy to turn off the damn game. I actually only stopped playing at all because I ran out of lives and didn't want to wait for more.

So now I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and lots of alien coffee. I'm slumped over my fourth cup of coffee in the kitchen and letting the steam hit my face. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going on like this. I have my weekly lunch with Coran tomorrow, maybe I'll ask him for some alien solution to insomnia. Whether or not he has a solution for my lack of sleep, I'm looking forward to lunch, he's surprisingly good space uncle.

I don't think I realized how much I relied on my family until I moved away from home. And still, I would call mamá almost every day, and I'd talk to my siblings, cousins, or some tío or tía that happened to be over at least once a week. When we first got settled in space, the first thing I wanted to do was call her. I wanted to have someone to tell all of my adventures too. I wanted my mom.

I always felt too awkward to find an ear to rant in with any of the other paladins. Plus, most of the stories I wanted to tell were ones they were all in, so I would just be an annoying "last week on X TV show" recap right after you watched the episode they were summarizing. Somehow Coran and I fell into a routine of checking in at least once a week over lunch. I guess he always felt more like a family member than a friend, in a good way.

"Good morning Lance," Shiro says. His voice pulls me out of my staring contest with the liquid in my mug, and I turn my attention to him. He goes for some alien fruit, of course. Always the health nut.

I say, "Morning Shiro. Get a good night's rest?"

He says, "Yes I did, actually." Shiro takes a few bites of his fruit while I take a sip of my coffee. He turns his attention towards me again.

"So Lance," he says, "I noticed you haven't been training as much or showing up for group meals. Is everything alright?"

I say, "Yeah I'm fine, just thinking about my friend." Please understand I'm a complete wreck right now without me having a full on panic attack right in front of you.

"I'm sorry you lost your best friend," Shiro said.

"Jonah." I grip my lukewarm mug and turn my head back towards my breakfast.

"Jonah?"

"That was his name. Jonah. And he wasn't my best friend," I stare down the no-longer-steaming brown liquid in my mug. "We weren't that close."

Shiro walks to the table I'm sitting at, pulls out a chair and sits down next to me. He says, "You know, I've lost a few teammates in the field. It's always hard to deal with their loss, but what's most important is not letting it get to you. You're still alive, and life doesn't go on pause for the living. You've got a lot of responsibility as a paladin and you can't fall behind on your duties. Have you tried getting in a few more training sessions? My mind always feels clearer after I've had a little exercise."

I want to scream at him. I want to tell him: no. No, you don't know me, you don't understand what I'm going through. I'm not sad like a child who lost his favorite toy. I'm devastated, torn apart, completely heartbroken. One would think that you of all people would have a little understanding for what I'm going through, but apparently not. It's not my fault you deal with grief by diving into work. I shut down. I'm frozen, lost to a million questions I'll never get answered. Lost to anxiety, to guilt, to deep sorrow. Jonah was my friend, and he was 16. He wasn't even gunned down in the battle of his life, his heart just stopped. 16 year olds aren't supposed to die of heart failure, this isn't the same as the men who put themselves at risk by joining a violent career. Jonah wasn't supposed to die, and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to be in the middle of space when he died. You don't understand. Fuck you.

Instead, I say, "I'll try running."

Shiro, unsatisfied with my response, puts a firm hand on my shoulder and says, "You just need to get back into the groove of things. Join Keith and I on our mission in a few days, it's a meeting with the leaders of a peaceful planet that's been free of galra rule."

I say, "Okay, fill me in on the details later." I give him a smile, but it's as genuine as me being an only child.

I can't sleep again. It's strange. I think about him more now than I ever did when he was alive. Does that make me a horrible person? I think so. I barely thought about him before I knew- my friends didn't even know his name. I didn't even bring him up in conversation.

I should have known when he died. It sounds stupid because it is, but i have always believed myself to be in touch with the spiritual world. I should have felt some spiritual unbalance from across the galaxies. His death should have shocked my heart like Obi Wan when Princess Leia's home planet was incinerated. No, I walked around horribly happy and content, completely oblivious to the fact that my friend was gone. I try to look for any sign he could have sent me from across the universe, but there's nothing. I never had an Obi Wan moment, and It's terrible that I ever thought I was that special.

I mean, who am I to think that I'd even get a signal from him? We weren't even that close. He was never my best friend, and I was never his. We only knew each other for 3 years. Yeah, we were really close during my first year at the Garrison, but the friend group split and we were on different sides. We never had any malice toward each other, but I never got a phone call at 1:00 AM when he felt like killing himself. I heard about those phone calls, but I never got one. Jesus, I'm despicable to even be complaining about that.

Plus, who gives me the right to complain? Who gives me the right to even mourn? I wasn't there for him the last year we had at school together. We had big plans to get the best simulator scores the next year, but I disappeared and he died, so I guess those plans could never come to fruition. He only really had one close friend. I didn't sit with him at lunches or in class. I convinced myself that because we had the next year, the year where we would dominate in all simulator related competitions. I thought I could be selfish until then. I was foolish and a bad friend.

So I obviously must be making all my grief up. Because I didn't know him like others did. He want my best friend. I've always been a little lazy, so I guess this is some fucked up way to get out of working and just play video games. Even though it's not working and the symptoms aren't going away. God I'm so fucking twisted. I should just pick myself up and be there for the team. I can't even fake smile anymore, it's ridiculous.

And fuck, fuck, FUCK! I've been caught in this train of thought for an hour now. It's circling like a vulture except this vulture isn't waiting for me to die. No, I don't have the luxury of death. It's just hovering above me watching me get slowly tortured, watching my thoughts burn into a melody. This torture has a rhythm.

I think about him more

I'm a horrible person

I should have known

I'm a terrible person

We weren't even close

I'm a despicable person

Who gives me the right

I'm a selfish person

I'm making it up

I'm a twisted person

It's almost poetic in an ugly way. I guess when the video games aren't in front of my face to keep me up, this poem of mine does. I went to bed early tonight too. What a waste. Shiro told me to start running more but that sounds actually horrible. I used to love drills and now I don't.

Coran is running late. I'm waiting for him in the astronomy deck. Usually he's here by now, I mean, Coran is a man of punctuality. He's only a few ticks late, he'll be here soon enough. I really want someone to rant to right now. About Jonah, myself, Shiro, everything. Really, I feel like crying. I've only been able to comfortably cry in front of Coran- he's the only one who doesn't make me feel awkward for crying. Hunk always tries to get me to stop crying or feeling bad, but Coran just holds my hand and lets me let the tears flow.

I hear footsteps- someone is running toward the astronomy deck.

The door flies open and I see Keith quickly scan the room until he sees me and says, "Lance! We got a message from Darán, it's better for them to meet today. They said something about flowers due to bloom earlier than expected? I'm not sure what that means, but Shiro told me to find you. We're flying out in 15 so suit up." Then Keith runs out of the room presumably to get changed himself.

Well, I guess Coran and I will just have to take a rain check.

Shiro is here to represent Voltron and the Coalition, Keith is here to represent the Blade/Galra not aligned with the empire, and I'm here because Shiro couldn't stand me sitting on my ass all day. Who cares, because the planet is beautiful. The city we landed in is built entirely of stone and is inhabited by lots of wonderful greenery. The locals are blue and humanoid: they have arms and legs, but their features are narrower, as if they had been stretched out, they have no hair but have some purple dots where a human's hairline would start. The three of us make out way to the center of the city where we are greeted by a tall woman.

"Hello, I am Shiro. I come here as a representative of Voltron and the Coalition. This is Keith, he represents the Blade of Marmora." Shiro gestures to me. "This is Lance, he is another paladin of Voltron."

The woman stands and says, "I am Lunáan, the leader of the Uzwela people. Welcome to Darán." She takes in the three of us and then stares at me. Why is she looking at me like I know the secrets of the universe? Didn't she hear that I'm not anyone important.

"Blue paladin, why do you carry so much despair?" She frowns and then says, "We have not touched, yet I can feel your immense sorrow from here." Now, that's weird. Also, I don't feel sad right now, so what is she picking up on?

I ask, "What do you mean you can feel my sorrow?"

"Darán is a planet where all living creatures are linked on a spiritual level. We Uzwela can sense the emotional energy of all creatures, but we often must make physical contact to establish a deep connection. From here I can feel your pain which means it is so deep and full it cannot be contained to your body."

She beckons for me to go to her. For some reason, I feel no hesitation and walk toward her. I can hear Shiro and Keith trading confused whispers with each other as I walk to Lunáan. She places her hands gently on my cheeks.

"Child, tell me. Tell me why your heart cries," she says. There's a warm and soft energy migrating from her hands through my body, and I can feel her reaching for my emotions.

"I lost my friend. He died at home while I was here in space, millions of miles away from home and away from him. I never thought- I didn't- I can understand he's dead, but I can't understand that he's gone. He's gone and I'll never see him again, and I-" I can't speak through my erratic breathing.

Tears start to stream down my face and onto Lunáan's hands. More Uzwelans place their hands on Lunáan and on each other. They form a chain of bodies that connect to me at the end, and I can feel the life force of each Uzwelan connected to me. One places their hand on a nearby tree, and I suddenly feel the electric connection to the entire planet. I feel the roots of the tree burry deep into the dirt, every creature under the soil, every plant growing out of the soil, and every creature standing on the planet.

It's a little terrifying being connected to the life force of an entire planet, but it's equally comforting. It feels like they're pulling my emotions out of me. No, it's more like my feelings were banging on my chest begging to be free, and they're taking my entire body out of the question. I can feel my sadness and grief flow through the veins of an entire planet and it's so lethargic.

After my a few more minutes of me crying into a planet, I calm down again. Lunáan doesn't say anything, but she takes her hands off my cheeks, plucks a nearby flower and places it in my palm. Lenáan agrees to the treaty. I refuse to look either Keith or Shiro in the eye on the way home.

There's a knock on my door.

"Come in," I say and then the door opens to reveal Hunk standing with a plate of food.

Hunk says, "Hey buddy, I'm checking in. I was talking to Shiro and he said that during your mission today the sadness returned." He sits down on the edge of my bed and looks at me with sad puppy dog eyes.

What the hell? I've been feeling nothing for weeks. I had a moment where all the emotions i forgot I had resurfaced. The sadness couldn't return because it was never gone. Also, grief isn't just feeling sad. Heartbreak is a whole other genre of devastating and it's exhausting.

I say, "yeah I cried during the meeting on Darán. They've got weird empathic powers and asked me why I was holding so much despair. I told them about how Jonah died and couldn't stop the tears. I promise I'm fine now, it was just the emotional flood of the room." I give a light chuckle.

Hunk smiles and says, "Okay. I was just worried. I'm always here to talk okay." He puts his plate of food on my bed. "I made this for you as a little pick-me-up snack." Stop talking to me like I'm a child. I get it, you care. It's sweet but it's also patronizing. I don't want to talk anymore (I never did).

"Thanks Hunk," I say and then take the plate of food and put it on my side table. Hunk gets up and leaves my room, thank goodness. At least he knows when I want to be alone.

A few hours after Hunk paid me a visit I find an awkward Keith hovering at my door.

He asks, "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"I know that's not true." Keith has a good bullshit detector (sometimes).

"Yeah, you're right. I'm doing pretty shitty." I guess that kind of candor wasn't what Keith was expecting since his eyes go wide at my response.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay." Keith awkwardly leans against my doorway, playing with his gloves and avoiding eye contact. He stands up straight again and meets my gaze. He looks like he's about to run away, but I don't want him to go.

I say, "Don't go."

"Can I," Keith says as he scratches his head, "sit with you?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure."

For a while the two of us just sit in my room together in silence. It feels too awkward to start playing the game without him, and I don't particularly want to get all competitive right now. We're taking turns staring at each other while the other finds a very interesting spot on a blank wall. Gah, I can't take this anymore. I reach under my bed to grab my iPod and knitting supplies.

"Hold this," I say as I place two skinny, silver, knitting needles in his hands. He gives me a confused look.

"Wha-"

"No talking. Do you know how to knit?" He gives me a blank look, so the answer is pretty obvious.

"Okay," I place a ball of red yarn in front of him and grab some blue yarn for myself and say, "I'm going to teach you how to knit and then we are going to knit together and listen to music. Capiche?"

Keith stares me down and then gives me a sharp nod. His face is tense and super focused, as if I were Shiro giving him orders on a high risk mission in space. It's cute- kinda. I let a small grin appear on my face, and that seems to be enough to snap Keith out of his focus spell. He twirls the needles around for a little, then he picks up the yarn and raises his eyebrows at me. Is he asking where I got the needles and yarn? Huh, I guess he really took the no talking rule to heart.

I say, "space mall. It really has everything you'd ever need." I cast on about 20 stitches on his starting needle.

"I've set you up to make a scarf" I give him his needles and yarn ball. "After I show you how to knit, you can make it as long as you want." I show Keith how to move the stitches from one needle to the other and then back again. After he successfully knits two rows with only one dropped stitch I had to fix, I cast on 40 stitches to my needles. I think I'll make a scarf too. I grab my iPod, put on my playlist titled 'rainy day,' and put one earpod in Keith's left ear and one in my right ear.

We sit and knit together for a long time, two hours? It's surprisingly relaxing having him just sit with me. Keith and I have become much more at ease with each other lately. We've both grown up in the time we spent apart from each other, and I think we both figured out that we actually mean a lot to each other. I missed him.

Keith says, "How did you learn how to knit?" I guess the quiet game is over.

"My abuela taught me, my mom's mom. We would knit together after school and make gifts for the family." We sit together a little longer in silence, neither of us knitting anymore. Then Keith gently holds my hand.

"Look," Keith says struggling to meet my eye contact, "I'm sorry Shiro has been harsh on you. I don't think he understood what you were going through until today, I still don't think he really does. And I'm not gonna pretend like I was perfect either, but…" Keith studies my face, then with determination in his eyes says, "I won't try to fix you. I won't try to make it better or make you happy or tell you to move on. But I'll be here, and if you want an ear to rant in, I have two. So, I don't really know what you need or want, but I want to help." Keith starts to shift his gaze away from my eyes. "I want to be here for you. I could feel you on Duráan, when you connected to the planet, you connected to me too. I'm just saying, if you want me to sit with you, I will."

At this point Keith is completely looking away from me. Maybe I still have some energy from Duráan left in me, because I take his face in my hands and turn his head toward me. I look into his eyes, and I see the same kind of affection in them that I know exist in mine. Slowly, I lean forward and press my lips against his for a chaste kiss. Keith puts his hands on my shoulders, and I pull away, heartbeat racing. Keith's cheeks are flushed pink and he has a tiny smile on his face.

I smile too and say, "I'd like that."

I guess it'll just take time. That's what everyone says so it must be true. I've never done this before, so I wouldn't know. I hope when I die everyone will forget about me. I don't need anyone hurting like this over me. Keith would be too stubborn to get over me, but I'd want him to.

It's getting easier to move through life. I'm doing okay, and I'm a functional paladin, but I'm never going to get over Jonah's death. It has changed me forever, and my grief for him will always be a part of me. That being said, the weight of it lessens as the days go on. One day I didn't think of him at all. The next morning I had a panic attack because I was scared of forgetting him. Keith held me and wrapped me up in fuzzy blankets.

I love him. I'm too scared to tell him, but I'm sure I love him more than any other romantic interest I've had in the past. I'm just happy holding his hand. Sometimes it's hard to get through the day, but he's always there. He reminds me it's okay to be not okay. I'm okay.