I wish I wanted to betray you, Alexander. I wish that somewhere in the deepest section of my heart that I had enough evil feelings towards you to warrant the name of hatred, because sometimes I could almost kill you for the things you put your men through.

Sadly, though, I know you. I know you do not truly mean to torture your men with long journeys away from home. You do not mean to lower the moral of your brothers in arms whenever you speak of a new conquest. You do not mean to make us despise you when you hold the world in your hand and actively continue to seek out whatever else might be in existence.

Still, the intent is rather pointless, because despite of what you mean to do, for the most part your actions make a great deal of people unhappy with you. You have the world's best interest at heart, I'm sure, but you fail to take into account the world's delicate emotional and mental well being. You fail to realize that the rest of the world wants different things than what you have planned. You simply do what you believe to be best.

Do you realize that? I cannot even begin to assume, for even if I do know you well enough, I do not know you nearly as well as I probably should.

Only one man can lay claim to that knowledge. Only one man can say he knows you as well as your own shadow. A man that you claim to love more than anything else in your possession, the one man you can always be sure of even when times of loyalty are taken into serious question. He has been with you throughout it all. That godly, patient, understanding, and kind man known as Hephaestion Amyntor.

And even him you treat as little more than a prize to exhibit in front of your enemies and toss away when you do not need it.

Can you tell that I am angry with you, Alexander? Can you tell how badly I want to wipe that proud smile from your face? I doubt it. This, in retrospect, is most certainly a good thing. If you knew half of what I thought to myself when I had a moment alone, you would want to have me executed. Especially if you knew what I thought in regards to Hephaestion.

Sometimes I think you take for granted the hostility that surrounds him. You believe that since many dislike him, you can the only one to heal and encourage him. You think that since there is a general distaste with his presence, you will be the only one to ever lay claim to the treasure that is this former Athenian beauty. Can I be blunt, my king?

You are so terribly and horribly wrong that it is almost laughable. You may think you are the only one who can appreciate the golden son of Amyntor, but that it far from the truth. It may be hard for you to believe, but he is adored as well. Do you realize that, Alexander? Have you ever noticed the subtle kindnesses bestowed to him and him alone? No I do not think you do.

Allow me to explain.

Do you know the names of any of your cooks? Again, I have my doubts, but for the sake of courtesy between old friends I thought I'd ask. You don't? Well then, naming them would not do me any good then, would it? Naming who, you may ask, and I would be inclined to tell you of the three cooks I see taking favor upon Hephaestion whenever they can get away with it.

Naturally, as you are their king, they see to your hunger first and foremost. Please do not think that these people deliberately slack in their efforts to provide you with the best of meals. Only the best for their ruler, and they do love you, I would ask you to please remember that. However, that does not mean you are the only one they hold dear to their hearts.

They adore Hephaestion a great deal more than any of the other generals. I could only speculate as to their exact reasoning, but if I had to wager any of the gold I owned, I would say it was because he was the only general to ever introduce himself to them. That small gesture, to them, spoke volumes about his character. They were lowly cooks who should not have even glanced in the King's general direction, let alone learn the name of his Grand Vizier directly from the man himself. And then he asked them for their names, as though they mattered enough to be identified as actual people before that personification of kindness. They fell in love with him at that moment, I think, and since then they have all done their best to fill him with the things they create in the kitchen.

This I cannot blame you for never noticing, as it took me several months to see that it was happening in the first place, but when you look for the signs you'll find it impossible not to see how much those three truly care for him. They give him everything. Hidden treats, rare berries, the sweetest of wines, anything that does not get put on your plate always ends up on his. I should tell you, even if it is secretly, that you should really be careful about the things you ask for. They would never poison you, but they do indeed keep certain delectable morsels from your mouth. They won't give it to you unless you ask for it specifically. Hephaestion, however, gets whatever they feel he wants. And, to be clear, just because you do not see it on your table, that in no way means they have not cooked it just in the event that he will not venture to them asking for a late evening snack.

I can imagine you scowling at this piece of information. You can be such a petulant child at times. You are jealous now, aren't you? You should be, especially since those three are not the only ones who bless your dear Patroklos with favor.

You are aware that there are other eunuchs in Persia besides Bagoas, are you not? I am sure you are. Most of them flaunt themselves in your face every chance they get. Your eyes are merely glued on Bagoas, a matter that I will share my feelings on in a moment. One eunuch is different from the rest. He does not love you as they do. He does not admire you as they do. He does not even see you as the god that the rest of them do. I dare say he is quite afraid of you, as well as the rest of the crazed Macedonians who have taken over his homeland. His name is Xerxes and even I must admit that he is a good looking boy. Not yet handsome, not beautiful by my standards or yours I'm sure, otherwise you would have already taken him, but he is very charming in his own meek way. He certainly endeared himself to Hephaestion, who speaks very highly of him if anyone is to ask. That was how I heard of him in the first place.

That boy, no older than Bagoas, loves Hephaestion. I do not mean a shallow love that will disappear when another man more handsome or regal comes along. The love that I speak of, the love that this boy possesses, stems from respect and admiration, is bathed leisurely in kindness and affection, and burns with the passion and determination of a young soul. Xerxes loves Hephaestion. I am certain that if it ever came down to it, Xerxes would push you into a boiling pot of the most toxic poison if only to spare Hephaestion life.

You need not worry about one thing. Hephaestion has never bedded him. Not to say that the boy has never shared the general's bed, because he has on numerous occasions, but I'm afraid Hephaestion is far too loyal to you to seek out another lover. Xerxes is a patient boy, however, and is willing to wait for a moment when that will change. Quite enthusiastically I might add.

Then there are, of course, Hephaestion's own men. Even if everybody else in your army did hate him as you so desperately wish and are somehow deluded into thinking, the soldiers he commands would always stand beside him with heads held high. I am not quite sure if they would ever betray you for him, but I should warn you against testing out the theory. Their loyalty to their general might very well be equal to said general's loyalty to you. You are probably not fully aware of how close you were to dying when those words, those wretched words, left your mouth that notorious night.

"You are nothing without me!"

How incredibly foolish it was of you to say such a thing. I wish I had had the courage to say that to your face at the time. I know you thrive on the thrill of danger, but you need to understand that it comes in forms other than a battlefield. Do you know how close Hephaestion's men came to revolting against you? They were disgusted with what you had done to their beloved commander, how you had humiliated him, and had he asked them to, those men would have all gone for your throat as you slept. You are lucky Hephaestion will always love you, Alexander, for those that love him most certainly have days when they wonder.

And since I am being so honest about this subject, I should tell you that you ought to take a good look at your own men when Hephaestion is near. They do not all hate him as much as they so vehemently claim. Cassander, in particular, does indeed feel a very strong passionate emotion towards our long haired friend, but I assure you that it is not hatred. In fact, this constant torment of Hephaestion is not at all out of place for his character, as he has done it before to a very select few. That select few being people he has found himself attracted to.

Don't you remember, my king, how he used to pull the hair of girls he found pretty enough? And when he grew in attachment to them, how he would suddenly start flinging whatever stone he could find at them? Of course, he was a young child back then, and as he grew so did his tact in pursuing those he was interested in, but the basic pattern of teasing before giving in to more tender affections was always present.

Why do you think he has teased and taunted Hephaestion so cruelly? Or why that behavior has never gone away, even in the slightest, even though it has been years since the two have met? I'll tell you now to spare us both the time it would take you to answer. He teased harshly because his infatuation was strong, and it's only grown harsher because he was never allowed to express that burning passion inside of him. No one takes that which is yours, remember?

And Cleitus. I cannot for the life of me understand how you could possibly not notice Cleitus. That man could not be any more obvious about his intentions if he pushed Hephaestion up against a wall and proceeded to ravish him in front of a large banquet hall full of people. He has always held a soft spot for Hephaestion ever since we were boys. Had you not taken him for yourself, I am certain that Cleitus would have taken your Patroklos as his eromenos. And I am willing to bet he would have laughed in your face when word finally reached your ears.

I have told you to be weary of a lot of people, and most of them are cause for concern because they carry their desires in secret, but maybe the one you should watch out for the most is he who is not afraid to flaunt his less than appropriate desires right before your very eyes. He who is not afraid of a king's wrath, especially one who is the son of a god, is not someone you would want to confront in a fight of any kind. That kind of man will haunt you in every moment of your waking being, drifting into your dreams even, long after he has drunk from the river of forgetfulness.

Perhaps the reason you have not noticed is because you are too busy satisfying your lust with Bagoas. The boy is beautiful, Alexander, I will give you that. Again, he is not to my tastes, but I can see how he would tempt you. However, what I cannot see is how he could tempt you from Hephaestion. I honestly don't think you could answer me if I were to ask you, in all seriousness, why he has. You probably would not even be able to tell me why you still keep him around despite the problems he brings with him. Keep that air of indecisiveness and you will lose Hephaestion. Even if you are the son of a god, you will lose him. Even deities suffer from loss, and you shall be no exception.

It is bound to happen one day, Alexander. One of us will show him the tender affections he rightfully deserves and he will leave your side. We will not care that you are the king. We will not care that you are likely to have us die in the most painful way you can imagine. We will all die happy with Hephaestion on our minds. Meanwhile his thoughts will be filled with us as he stares at the places we used to spend with him. How will you beat us then, Alexander, when we have already died and reached a state of immortality?

Oh, my apologies. I said 'One of us', didn't I? How confused I must have made you. Why yes, Alexander, I too find myself falling in love with a boy I have also known since early childhood. It is nearly impossible not to love him after so many years of basking in his presence. Though, when the friendship I initially shared with him turned into love is beyond me. I am only certain that this is the extent of my feelings towards him now.

Make no mistake about this, my king, I will not betray you on purpose. That is to say, I will not take the risk if I am not sure of the prize. I am not a man who holds a death wish near to his heart. I like living, thank you very much, and I enjoy every breath I get to take in this life I have been given. I will not risk it for nothing. Then again, Hephaestion is not 'nothing'. He is someone I would gladly lay down my life for.

I warn you, should Hephaestion come to me, asking for something more than friendship, I will give it to him. If he wants to seek me out as something more intimate than just a confiding comrade, I will not hesitate to shower him with all that he asks of me. And if he looks at me with wanton eyes, if he comes to me and says he wants to betray you, his lover, and give in to all of his secret desires, the only question I am going to ask him is which room he would prefer to spend the night in. His room or mine?

Ah, but I see this angry stream of thoughts has gotten a bit too out of hand. I seem to be losing my train of thought even as the pages multiply by the second. If I linger too long on these emotions, I might do something foolish and face the wrath I have made mention of earlier on in this letter. I shall leave off with this, for now.

Hephaestion is your golden treasure. You love and adore him with all of your heart and soul, though not always with that wandering body of yours. But do not think that love can conquer all. Sometimes a broken heart cannot be healed unless rid of the one who broke it. Someday, that treasure of yours might deliberately place itself into the hands of one more appreciative. Just something to think about.

Sincerely yours,

"Ah, so this is where you wandered off to."

I hear his voice, and suddenly any negative emotions coursing through me vanishes. I turn my head to smile at him, carefully pulling another sheet of paper on top of my enraged note to my aggravating king. "Am I being summoned?"

He shakes his head. I can tell he is happy to see me. I am one of the few who actually treats him decently in this camp, and for that I am secretly glad. "I just wondered what you had disappeared for."

I hold up a random piece of paper with writing on it, moving it about quickly before setting it down again. "I was writing a letter to my family. My mother in particular made mention in her last correspondence that she would like to hear more from me."

"What a good son you are," He says with a twinkle in his eye. "Doing as she instructed." The two of us share a laugh. "Be sure to send her my good wishes."

I nod before standing from my chair and stretching. How long had I been writing that letter, I wonder? "I think that's enough writing for the day." I walk over to him and wrap my arm around his shoulder. He does not object and I begin to lead him out of my room.

The gesture, to him, is a friendly one. But to me it is an excuse to touch him without drawing suspicion. You have seen me do this before Alexander, so you would think nothing of it if you were to come across us like this again. If there is anything I need to thank you for, my king, it is that you give me far more liberties with your treasure than anyone else. Allow me to always take advantage of that.

Hephaestion turns to me and with a small tilt of his head beckons me closer. He has a small secret. I can see it hidden in his eyes. I lean closer per his request. Who am I to refuse such a gift?

"Are you hungry?"

I am now. So I nod to confirm the thought.

"Alexander has apparently sent back a few trays full of wonderful desserts." He winks at me, and I suddenly find it harder to breath. It is a miracle he does not see the beautiful discomfort he can bring out from me. "Nadira told me about it when I walked past the kitchen." Ah, she is one of the cooks I mentioned in my letter. She in particular loves to beckon Hephaestion to her side with the meals she concocts, using her skills like a siren's song. She is very good at what she does. "She says if I hurry, I might be able to steal them away before anyone else realizes they are available for consumption."

Poor naïve Hephaestion. When will he learn? You never sent anything back, did you Alexander? Those desserts were never shown to you, were they? And why would they be? They were made for Hephaestion's enjoyment.

Still, I smile and raise an eyebrow in what I hope is a semblance of surprise. "What luck you have, my friend. Though, I wonder why you have told me this. Aren't you worried I'll take such treats for myself and leave you with none?"

He rolls his eyes. He obviously doesn't believe I would ever do something of the sort. "I came to see if you wanted to share them with me."

This time I do not have to fake the surprise. "Why not ask Alexander?"

"He is the one who sent them back in the first place, remember?"

Oh that's right. That's the lie of the day. "Momentary lapse of memory." I say, smiling all the while. "Forgive me."

"I will if you share those treats with me, and if you can run at a quick enough speed to the kitchen. I want to get there before any of the other generals do."

The other generals will never know the food is there, Hephaestion. They will never know because that food is meant for you and no one else. Nadira only made mention of competition so that you would not get suspicious. Still, I shall play along. This is too good an opportunity to pass up at any rate.

"Of course I can, and I would love to share a meal with you, however secret it may be." I take my arm from his shoulder and I make a show of looking around. "Now hurry, we must not let our competition get there before us."

"My thoughts exactly, my dear Ptolemy." And with that we break off into a run towards the kitchen.

You know, Alexander, I do not think that I shall sign that letter. Nor do I think that I shall indeed ever send it. I've said before, and I will say again, I like living. If I were to die, there would be nothing. That would mean no Hephaestion either, and there is still a chance he will come to me one day with a much sweeter offer than food. So you can keep hold of him for now.

But I do mean what I have said about keeping an eye open. Your most dangerous competition could be the one you've least suspected.

Signed, yours truly, if only in thought, Ptolemy.

Yeah, I don't know why this idea of Alexander's men lusting after his beloved is so intriguing to me, but damn it all, it is. And with all of the attention the King really pays to how things around Hephaestion are, I'm sure one or two of them get away with feeling an awful lot. Don't ask why I chose Ptolemy. I just get a kick out of the least likely people doing what nobody expects.

Well, enjoy, or hate me. Whatever you decide is good.