Voldemort's Servant-- by cheesekakke
This is supposed to be funny. Of course, the humor is entirely up to you. This is also a one-shot (pulls out gun and shoots once) See? Please review.
WARNING: This story contains bad humor, words from a potty mouth, Care Bears, pink clothes, symbolism in a rock and an American. You have been warned.
Do I look rich to you? I'm not JKR.
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The moon shone over the segmented graveyard ominously. Voldemort was about to hold another one of his secret 'Death Eaters Only' meetings and he had gone abroad to hire a supposedly reliable American assistant. Little did he know how much trouble the bawdy American could be. Flinging up the left sleeve of the supposedly witless American girl he pressed his finger to the Dark Mark and waited in the darkness.
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Kristen rolled her eyes as the Dark Mark burned into her arm. It was one thing to be a Death Eater, but quite another to be Lord Moldyvort, He-who-Let-The-Boy-Live's personal assistant and American 'plaything'. Not that he ever got any 'playing' done, per se, but just to have Kristen around seemed to set the fact in stone that the Dark Lord did, in fact, get some last night. Kristen looked up just in time to see about fifty Death Eaters materialize in front of her and frowned softly as she noted two new hulks of black standing in the crowd. It was only her second meeting and she was to be introduced today as the indispensable American kid who took note of when Tom Riddle did what, changed his nappies and kept him company when he was having spastic bouts of 'I want my solitude time.' When all Apparating activity had finally settled down, the Dark Lord stepped forward and motioned for Kristen to walk up as well.
"Today, we will be welcoming a new, indispensable member to our ranks. Kristen, please introduce yourself." Knowing full well that whatever she did would not harm her in the end, she stepped up and announced herself in a loud, southern American drawl.
"Hey, ya'll, my name's Kristen and I'll be your Dark Lord's secretary thus making me indispensable and totally kick butt. After the meeting you can go for refreshment in the back graveyard and have some socializing time." Knowing full well that she had just rocked the solid, staunch Death Eater foundation, she stepped back to give Lord Voldemort center stage. As he brushed past, he ducked down and hissed angrily in her ear.
"Since when did I give you the authority to actually organize refreshments?" Kristen shrugged and announced in a loud voice for all the rest of the Death Eaters to hear.
"Well, Tommy, you did mention last night that you wanted your Death Eaters to get to know each other a little better so I thought-" Kristen was cut off with a swish of the cloak. She sat through the rest of the meeting and was quiet until Voldemort started ranting off about attacking some Muggle village. Seeing her oppurtunity, she spoke up.
"Ickle Voldykins, weren't we going to discuss that later? Why do we have to bring up the most mundane subjects during these meetings?" Kristen halted abruptly when Voldemort turned to face her.
"Next thing I know, you brat, you'll be asking us to dye our Death Eater robes pink!" Kristen nodded sagely and tried to keep her face impassive.
"Well, you know, pink is the new black. And anyways, girly plans like yours needed girly coloured robes to go with them." Voldemort nearly had a hemorrhage at these words.
"What the-! I am running these meetings, not you, and when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it!" Kristen snickered as Voldemort turned back to the crowd who tried in vain to cover up their chuckles. After lancing a particularly icy glare at them, he acted as if he was to continue but was interrupted once again by Kristen.
"You know, you should pick up some tips from Darth Vader. I mean he actually gets the girl, actually lives, actually gets to kill his own mentor, and actually gets defeated by a hero worthy of him. You're just a big-second rater, we should all go and rent Star Wars sometime and throw a big 'coming of age' party for you. Sound good?" All Voldie could do was twitch and continue as if nothing happened, for Kristen was indispensable after all.
After the meeting, Kristen insisted that they all stay for punch ("It's green and has glow-in-the-dark ice cubes shaped like Dark Marks!") and escorted his royal evilness himself to the back graveyard.
"I don't know why I ever hired you." Voldemort was hissing out of the corner of his mouth as if he didn't want any of his Death Eaters to know how he felt about the American girl.
"C'mon, Voldie-poo, I'm particularly awesome in bed." Kristen flashed a suggestive smile at him and continued. "It's not every day I get to meet the most hopeless romantic the world has ever produced. I mean we all know that you're just a big softie at heart." She punched him in the shoulder hard and gave a satisfied smirk as he winced ever so slightly. His shoulders seemed to be slumped as he walked.
"Fine, you win, you stay. You are indispensable. Just no mauling the other Death Eaters."
"Alrighty, Voldywobbles." As they approached the rest of the Death Eaters, Kristen let out a squeal and hurried to one of the robed figures. "Omigosh! It's Severus Snape! Omigosh!" She threw her arms around him and seemed to ignore the shocked look on his face. Stepping back to admire him, Kristen whistled.
"Wow, the descriptive paragraphs in the Harry Potter books weren't kidding. You really are in need of some serious gym time. Build up some muscle boy, and you'll be in tip-top shape both magically and physically!" Kristen was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet and was nearly swept off when Voldemort forced her around to look at him.
"You know about Harry Potter? What else do you know?" Kristen shrugged nonchalantly.
"Was I not supposed to know about him? I mean, he is the Chosen One who surpasses Yoda as far as concentration of midi -- whoops, wrong series. Yes, I know him, no; I do not know much else. For example, the legendary question: Does Lord Voldemort wear boxers or briefs? Don't ask me!" Voldemort growled in his throat and the tension loosened a little. A quick glance in the direction of Severus Snape by Voldemort resulted in nothing, the younger man just shrugged. Kristen meanwhile had found another Death Eater to fall over.
"AIEEEEEEEEE!! It's, omigosh, it's Draco Malfoy! He's like the worlds biggest sex god, and omigosh, he's standing right here in front of me!!" Kristen once more threw her arms around an unwilling Death Eater, but this time, did not let go. Draco looked up at his father and Kristen could hear some hurried whispering before Draco addressed her.
"Err...Kristen, I really need those bones that you're crushing with that hug. I also appreciate your enthusiasm, but just to get some facts straight, I am not a sex-" Kristen had let him go, and stepped back to admire the young blond Death Eater before interrupting him and saying,
"Wow, you're even hotter in person! You're even hotter than I imagined! You're even hotter than…" Kristen trailed off and screwed up her face as if she was trying to think of something. "…hotter than Care Bears!"
"Kristen!" The aforementioned jumped and whirled to find a rather livid Voldemort staring down at her. "It's in the Death Eater handbook I gave you! Rule Number 69: One must never refer to another Death Eater as a sex god, it is just implied that just because one is a Death Eater one is a sex god." Kristen rolled her eyes and pointed at herself.
"So that's why all true Death Eaters are guys? The girls can't be sex goddesses?" Look at your original bunch of Death Eaters, they're all guys! Did you discover the female sex after you were reborn, or what?" Voldemort waved his hands in front of Kristen's face and made exaggerated motions at Bellatrix Lestrange who was standing talking to Random-person-in-black #1 and #2.
"You see that Bellatrix Lestrange over there? Catch my drift?" Voldemort had a smug face that looked as if he had just won the lottery.
"As I said, all your initial Death Eaters were guys. And as for the validity of the claim that Lestrange is female, have you ever checked personally? Or are you going by the numerous theories invented that are too harsh to say in front of Draco's delicate ears?" Kristen clapped her hands over the young Death Eaters' ears causing a loud snapping sound and thus making all Death Eaters in the nearby vicinity wince. Realizing that she had just popped the young Death Eater's eardrums she hastily fixed them by grabbing Voldemort's wand and muttering a quick 'Reparo'. All Voldemort could do at this was grumble and slide off, trying to ignore Kristen and her loud comments in the background. However, when the topic of 'who sleeps with a teddy bear' came up, Voldemort decided to give the little American chit a shock. Closing his eyes, he turned, all the while muttering the three 'D's' under his breath. He Apparated right up in front of Kristen and opened his mouth to say 'Boo', but-
"BOO! Ha, I beat you!" Kristen had a triumphant look on her face as Voldemort reeled back in shock of his own trick being turned on him. He bumped into Lucius Malfoy who bumped into Avery who bumped into Rodolphus Lestrange who bumped into Alecto who bumped into Random-person-in-black #2 who fell on their rump and caused the ground to shake. Draco slapped his hand to his forehead and Kristen squealed.
"Oooh! The Death Eater domino effect!" She turned to Snape eagerly who was standing to one side like he didn't exist. "Do you think we should do that again?" Snape spoke up in his soft silky voice.
"There is no we, Miss Kristen. There is you and your stupidity and the fact of the matter is that you will pay somewhere down along the road." All the nearby Death Eaters grinned. The American had finally got what was coming to her and in the form of the sexy ex-Potions Master Severus Snape nonetheless. But Kristen still had a few tricks up her sleeve. All the Death Eaters stood perplexed as the girl made her hands talk to each other.
"I'm Harry Potter! -- And I'm Ron! --Let's go bother Snape. -- Right-oh! – I am Snape, the Potions Master. – There he is! – Let's go!" There was a roar from both Voldemort and Snape as they realized what Kristen was acting out with her hands. Both grown men tried to tackle her to get her to stop, but Kristen nimbly stepped out of the way and let the two men run into each other. A dirt-covered Voldemort got up from his position on top of Snape and rounded on Kristen in such a way that all the nearby Death Eaters backed off from the sheer force of the evil energy he was radiating.
"NEVER – MENTION – POTTER – PUPPET – PALS – AGAIN!" Snape got up feebly from his spot on the ground and raised his hand up weakly in the air muttering, "I second that." before collapsing onto the ground again. Kristen surveyed the scene of agony and confusion with an odd sort of pleased look on her face before turning to Voldemort who had just realized that all his dignity had been lost by the antics of the American brat.
"Voldie, please don't have a heart attack. Tell you what we'll do. We can plant a Zen garden with lots of pretty flowers, and once you have been suitably defeated, we'll have no use for it and we can donate it someplace. Think of it as a Death Eater Community service project – building a Zen garden." Perhaps it was the mention of flowers, but Voldemort was suitably calmed then began babbling about the proposed Zen Garden
"A Zen garden? Can we have a sand rake in there too? What kind of flowers will you plant? Wait a tick, a Zen garden with flowers? Isn't the whole purpose of a Zen garden not to have flowers so it'll be easier to take ca – ?" Kristen nodded sagely while Voldemort was talking, then interrupted him in the end.
"Of course we can have a sand rake. I'll put a sandbox in there too, if our budget allows. And as for the flowers we'll have, I'll put in a variety. Let's see, we can put poppies, lavenders, lupines, lilies, petunias, narcissuses, pansies…" Kristen trailed off, waiting for Voldemort to pick up the trend. He did and promptly roared the most masculine roar he could muster.
"HOW DARE YOU! Never mention those people to my face again! Do you understand? It is ridiculous to have them exist, but to be mentioned by my own followers is absolutely preposterous! When we get home tonight I will–" By this point Severus Snape had quite enough of the American and the way she was making the Dark Lord act. So he dared to interrupt
"My Lord, must I remind that this story is only PG-13. There can be no sex or anything like that when 'you get home tonight'. We could be found and prosecuted for committing such an atrocious crime" After letting the silence hang in the air he spoke up rather audaciously. "I think holding hands would be okay though." Kristen let out an uncharacteristically high pitched giggle then had a slight coughing fit to get her voice back to a speakable pitch.
"But you know, holding hands is PG sex. So technically we –" Voldemort cut her off with an unusual Lucius Malfoy-like sneer.
"Hush woman. Don't you dare talk about things you know nothing about. If you weren't indispensable I'd hang you from the roof of the Riddle house." Kristen snapped back smartly,
"Touché, Pussycat. You're just the world's biggest virgin so don't try to pull fancy sex lines on me." At this point the whole graveyard was in giggles, with that being an understatement. The older and more seasoned Death Eaters struggled to hold their snickers in while some of the younger ones had glee all over their faces and were not restraining from making amused little noises. Indeed Draco Malfoy decided to hide himself behind a headstone so that he would not be seen rolling around on the ground laughing. Snape had an oddly pleased look on his face and he knew the Death Eaters would never be the same again.
"All right." Voldemort gave a little growl at the back of his throat hoping to dispel the humor caused by him. "Party is over. Get back to sucking up to higher ups and living life." He paused to see if his words had any effect on anyone, but they all stood where they were at this point not minding if Voldemort saw them laugh. So dear Voldie took the blunt and effective approach.
"Stop mucking around and go back to living NOW!"
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Later that night when all frivolities were over and Voldemort was mulling the days events over in his head, Kristen Apparated into his bedroom. There was a painful shifting and Kristen waited patiently for Voldemort to speak.
"Go the hell back to wherever you came from and don't come near me or my followers again." Kristen sighed then plopped down on the bed next to where he was sitting. She stroked his head for a while then spoke up softly.
"Look Tom, I'm kinda sorry for making a ruckus at your meeting. I guess I don't fit the stiff and starchy Death Eater mold." Voldemort gave a low grumble and managed to grunt with some dignity.
"After tonight no-one fits that mold. You have no idea how many times the phrase 'Fire her' entered my head today, but you are indispensable." Kristen nodded sagely then turned to see a lone little rock sitting in the corner of Voldemort's bedroom. She squealed then bounded up to it and held it aloft.
"Look! It's a rock! And it's soo cute; it's got green moss on it! And silver wavy lines and black dots! This is soo neat, everyone should have a Slytherin coloured pet rock!" Voldemort frowned.
"It's not a pet rock. It's just a plain old rock." Kristen only proceeded to shake her head in response to Voldemort's response.
"Of course it's not just any old rock. Let's see, this green moss appears to be eating the rock away to nothing, so you will probably die with a spell that shoots green light. And these silver squiggles seem to be moving around in the shape of a cloud. See, even your cloud has a silver lining! And these black dots…" Kristen paused then look up at Voldemort with a look of mock horror on her face. "You have herpes!!!!" Voldemort slapped the rock out of Kristen's hands and watched the rock fall on the ground and shatter.
"That rock was just about as real as your predictions. Do you have anything useful to say or are you just going to stand here and waste my time?" Kristen wasn't done with Voldemort yet. She still has quite a few tricks up her sleeve and she wasn't leaving until she had emptied her arsenal. Kristen deftly walked to a bone bookshelf standing in a corner of his room and pulled out a small yellow book and tossed it on Voldemort's bed.
"Read this." She commanded in such a fierce tone that Voldemort could do nothing but oblige. He picked up the book and read the cover.
"Evil Schemes for Evil People. Introduction from Darth Vader." Voldemort rounded on Kristen who was holding back a fit of laughter. "You're trying to force this Vader guy on me again! I am not having some second-rater teach me about myself! No more Darth Vader, otherwise you will find yourself becoming disposable instead of indispensable!" Kristen shrugged nonchalantly.
"He was the original Dark Lord. But I'll do as you wish. After all, you are the sexiest little Care Bear ever." Voldemort threw the book at her and she deftly dodged it.
"Curses!" He yelled almost good-naturedly? Kristen, meanwhile was finally cracking the lack of the Dark Lord's humor.
"I bet Harry Potter is better at throwing things and hitting the target than you are." She snarled maliciously and in that moment Voldemort decided that the chit was most definitely most indispensable and could be gotten rid of right then.
"You know what, you can get the heck out of here like I told you so at the beginning! I am bloody sick and tired of you constantly mucking about with me and my plans. I would and can function so much better without you, so LEAVE!" He spoke the words with such force that Kristen almost decided to step out right then and there. Almost. But there was still a bit more fun to be had.
"Voldy," she purred, changing tack quick as lightning, "don't you remember that it was you who came up to me begging my assistance with your plans?"
"Dark Lords don't need help with plans." Voldemort grumbled into his hands in a rather undignified manner.
"See, if it weren't for me, you and all your Death Eater chums would be rounded up by the Ministry and you would be spending the rest of your days rotting in whats-that-place…Azkaban." Voldemort started at this, seeing a glimmer of hope that would rid him of Kristen and at the same time have her in a useful place.
"Speaking of the Ministry, I need a spy in there. Preferably American, and outgoing." He ended and shot an obvious look in her direction. Kristen only shook her head.
"Too obvious. I've been married to half the people who work there at least once." Voldemort's eyebrows shot up immediately.
"Including Scrimgeour?"
"Especially. I married him twice. The first time I divorced because I had another marriage going on, the second time I filed for divorce on the grounds that he was bad in the sack." There was a pause after this before Voldemort spoke up.
"Did you…?"
"Of course not. I wouldn't think of it. He was dead drunk at the time so I doubt he knew what was going on. But it is his signature on the paper clear as day, if a bit illegible. But why the sudden interest in my love life?" Some colour came to Voldemort's cheeks and he looked away. The chit had grown on him.
"No reason. I just needed to know whom else you were working with. It wouldn't do to have my closest associate spilling the beans on me." Kristen gasped a fake theatric gasp then threw her arms around Voldemort's neck
"Aww, that's so sweet of you to say that. Do I really mean that much to you?" Voldemort looked rather uncomfortable as he mumbled his reply.
"You live with me." There was a pause as the two shifted awkwardly in their positions, and then Voldemort spoke up. "You know, I preferred it when you were torturing me out of my wits." Kristen straightened up indignantly and rather suddenly.
"Are you sure you want me to go back to the heartless flogging of your wits and mind? Because you will regret it after a while, I can guarantee that. It's my job." Voldemort looked up at her and nodded miserably. Kristen's heart almost melted. It was sad to see a man with such potential waste away on foolish comeback. It was even sadder to see him driven up the wall so at the mindless crass of an American.
"Anything, absolutely anything, would be better than this." Kristen simply nodded and stroked Voldemort's baldhead, more torture formulating itself in her mind.
"Hey Voldy, ever been to America? Cause, you know they've got this thing there, makes hair grow back on balding people. We should really get some for you. It's Muggle, but it sure works great." Voldemort sighed, he had asked for this after all.
"Yes, I have been to America, I went there to go get you, remember? And no thank you, I would not try a Muggle remedy for anything." Kristen smiled at his somewhat collected answer. It seemed that he was getting better at thwarting her attempts to try and unsettle his mind. Unfortunately for Voldemort, he had yet to see the worst of Kristen's attempts.
"We really should to do something to raise your spirits. It's a shame that such a lovely genius like doesn't hold frequent parties just to liven things up." And with that statement, Kristen snapped her fingers and all at once Voldemort, the bed he was sitting on and Kristen found themselves in an old, Gothic- style hall. They were in front of a large oak doorway and long polished marble floor was spread out in front of them. The ceiling was fan-vaulted, with points an rafters sticking out in obvious places. There was a long carved teak table at the end of the hall that was simply loaded with all sorts of snacks and a genuine crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling.
"I don't do parties." Voldemort hissed at Kristen who was running about the place, stringing fairy light and enchanting baubles to hang in the air glowing every few feet. There was a squeal as Kristen discovered the Muggle CD player that matched the décor of the hall in the corner.
"It even runs on magic! How clever." A ring of the doorbell sent ancient sounding chimes throughout the hall. Voldemort started, not expecting it at all. Kristen just grinned and rushed to the door, flinging it open to reveal a rather smug and well-dressed Malfoy family.
"Lucius!" Voldemort cried in horror seeing the Death Eater at the doorstep without his mask or robes or anything of the like. Lucius simply bowed. And gestured for Draco to do the same while Narcissa simply curtsied, as some ladies still know how to do.
"Forgive me, My Lord, but don't you think that your current, ah, vestments are a bit out of place?" Lucius did not straighten from his bow and stressed the words slightly to show that he was rather displeased at what Voldemort had chosen to wear at such an event. Kristen clapped her hand over her mouth and squealed.
"Voldie, I completely forgot about the clothes! I'm so sorry!! Cambio Vestiara!" In a dazzling flash Voldemort emerged in a pink tuxedo pimped out with pink sequins on the bowtie and a white shirt lace with pale pink lace. The pants were studded at the bottom with pink rhinestones. And unfortunately for Voldemort, the rest of the Death Eaters showed up at that exact moment. A girlish shriek emitted from Voldemort's mouth as he surveyed his clothes in the conjured up mirror. Snape was snickering softly in the background, and most were laughing out loud.
"FUCK THIS!" Cried Voldemort, trying to rip the clothes off his body. He then rounded on Kristen who was trembling in the corner…of laughter.
"Yes Voldemort, sir, anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, actually." Voldemort, seething, conjured up a desk from nowhere, pulled out parchment and quill supplied by Scott, the Black God of the Plot Hole and all other inexplicable things, and began writing. " I am sending an owl to Azkaban to ask them to take you off my hands once and for all." Kristen grinned. The stalwart Death Eaters had been mixed up enough and truth be told, she was bored of the constant goading. She perked up immediately. Voldemort had drawn a crowd of Death Eaters, eager to see their Dark Lord in action.
"Then to Azkaban I must go. I trust I'm allowed a toothbrush?"
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Meh. That was fun. This story has been in production for more than a year, and don't worry, there's a sequel which should be done soon.
Love to Jozzlyn a.k.a. Quillys for the Care Bears and Zen Garden. Equal love to Daftlilme who increased the length of this story by two and half pages. Props to Kiwi for making Kristen at Fuddruckers that one night where we were all high on our first superior. Uber love to George Lucas who let me snitch his characters and thanks to the makers of the slim yellow book "Evil Schemes for Evil People" – they are the guys who bring you 'Decline of Video Gaming'. And of course uber props to my readers.
Readers who can tell me where the last line came from will receive a lifetime supply of Firewhisky, ten pounds of dark chocolate-coated marzipan from Honeydukes, recognition in the sequel and your choice of a gift wrapped Remus, Sirius, Draco, Harry or Ron---yours to ravish. :)
Much love, hugs, kisses, boys named Zach, snakes, jell-o, chocolate pudding, boys named Matt, blue, tablecloths, civics tests, pink tuxes and puddles,
cheese
//announcer voice// Symbolism in a rock provided by sadistic ninth grade english teachers. //end announcer voice//