Now I Understand
by Elvenwanderer


"Now I understand,
What you tried to say to me,
And how you suffered for your sanity..."
        - Starry, Starry Night by Don McLean

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I had been sitting in the smallest of our family's three libraries for nearly an hour when Nelyo came in. Neither of us said a word to the other as he slumped down in one of the various other armchairs, or when he picked up a haphazard book from the desk next to him. The book was open in front of him, but he was not truly reading, as he was holding it upside down. A fact that I doubt he realized. I glanced at his face, which also gave away him being deep in thought. He looked like an elfling seated in a corner brooding over some punishment or other. I watched him like this for a few minutes before returning to my book. He would speak if and when he wished.

"Kana," he spoke up all of a sudden. He had this uncanny ability to interrupt my reading in the middle of a decent part of a book. As well as at a page turn, so I could not complain about being unable to break away.

"Have you ever had to keep a secret?"

This was the sort of question that could start a long conversation, so I marked my page and set my book down on my lap. I wondered why he would ask me this, as he and I shared quite a few secrets. "Of course, brother."

He shook his head, having probably expected this reply. "No. Not like a white lie to protect one of our younger brothers from some punishment or other, but an actual secret. One that would land you in trouble with more people than just Father and Mother. Like... something controversial and touchy."

I did not know how to answer.

"What do you mean?"

He remained silent. His face scrunched up again, and he seemed pressed to find the correct words for what he was trying to say. He took a deep breath. "What would you say if I told you that one of Father's Seven Sons did not follow the rigid standards of our society? If one of them continuously and consciously went against his wishes and teachings?"

I thought for a moment, still somewhat unsure of what he was asking. He had given me two thought provoking questions, both of which were open-ended and could be replied to in multiple ways. Had he been in a better mood to put up with my roundabout humor, I might have led him on a goose chase around an answer. I was also getting curious. I began to wonder what he was getting at, where he was trying to go with this conversation, for he had obviously planned something out.

"To say this from one adult to another, Nelyo, I believe that there are certain things one does not need to know about another adult's personal life or habits. There are certain things I do not think you would wish me to tell you about myself, and there are likewise things you would not tell me about you. We are different people, and we do not need to know everything about the other." I suspected that he was hoping for something along these lines, though I was not sure. "Though as brothers, I would keep anything you would tell me in confidence, but that does not mean that I would do so happily, nor agree with what you would tell me."

For a moment, Nelyo looked troubled, as if he were on the verge of telling me something, but in the end he stood up and flicked his hair away from his face. He then thanked me and left as silently as he had come in.

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Homosexuality.

That subject was hard, nigh on impossible, to broach within our "rigid society." The act itself was strictly forbidden, or so everyone assumed, and in general, it was never spoken of. If anyone were to bring it up, they would be ignored and the subject changed. It was a rare occasion where you could squeeze a few sentences from the more liberal elves.

"Love" was a term everyone could understand, and it simply meant finding the one that was the other half of your heart. That same kind of love between two males or two females was unheard of and would obviously not be well accepted by society.

You feared not being seen for who you were, and that you would be scorned. And you were scorned, I admit, though it was not called scorn. In my opinion, you were simply misunderstood.

I may have accepted your relationship then, had I known the extent of it. But probably not. For a long time, I had known you and Kano were friends, though not lovers. I was also quite naïve and misunderstanding, even though we were both full-grown. I wondered how you could not be satisfied with the elleths that surrounded you, who were all ready at your beck and call to do whatever you wished. Then I realized that it was more than just a physical thing with Findekano. I would see him more and more often at our palace, and the two of you would be isolated for gradually longer periods of time, and when you would appear together, you would send each other secret looks that you did not think anyone else would notice. Or perhaps you wanted me to notice them, and I did.

You gave me the pieces; I would have to put the puzzle together myself. You knew I was smart enough.

At first, when I figured it out, I felt left out and insulted, in a way, for why did you not trust me enough to tell me that? Then I became disgusted. I did not want to imagine such a relationship, especially one that involved my only elder brother, whom I had looked up to my whole life. I had trusted you in everything when I was growing up. I had been completely candid with you, and you had concealed things from me, from everything to teething to my growing interest in elleths. You spoke to me as if you shared that interest, though you were lying. How dare you lie to me! I was utterly outraged.

For nearly three years, I avoided you, not speaking to you if I could help it. I even moved in with Mother's sister and their father to get away from you. Father was overjoyed seeing that after a – to him – disappointing life in scribbling down music notes and tooting on multiple different instruments that I finally took a deep interest in comparing the inane brilliance of shiny jewels and the boring life of working in a forge.

How I despised working in a forge all day! I hated the heat, the darkness, the smell of smoke, the dryness of the air, and the general uncleanness of it all. There were inches of dirt, ash, and bits of unusable metal and glass randomly everywhere. I often did not know if I would ever get the dirt from under my nails again. But in all the blasted heat, grime and far too quiet solitude, I found the time to think matters through.

Throughout my time there, you did not pressure me to speak to you before I was ready, and yes, I did read the letters you sent to me. I appreciated the contact to the outside world, even if it came from you. None of our other brothers sent me anything, save perhaps, one of the twins.

When I left finally Grandfather's palace after another few months, I left there with something more than a few pieces of poorly wrought jewelry and a crooked dagger (which I still have); I had an open mind. A revelation had come over me one day as I was idly sitting around in my chambers nursing a burned right hand. I realized that just because I knew of your and Kano's unorthodox love for each other, it did not change the fact that you were my family. To everyone else you were simply my brother, and he our half- cousin.

You welcomed me back home as if nothing had come between us, I know you could tell I was at peace with everything. You had known that either I would accept you, or I wouldn't. You couldn't change that, and I doubt you would want to. I had needed time to figure out my views for myself, and I needed no more information than I already had been given to do so. If anything, I realized this: Nelyo, you were my brother, and nothing could ever shake the love I had for you.
A/N: Nelyo is Maedhros' nickname.

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