Define pain

Chapter 1

When the heart is uncertain, pain is the answer.

Harvey is in a good place now, Mike is out of prison, and Donna is back on his desk. Besides Jessica quitting the firm, things couldn't be more pitchy. Being managing partner has its props, he can pretty much do whatever he wants now, hire Mike for example . Albeit on a consultant level, no different from the good old days. He looks out through his glass office, red hair, blue dress; Donna is busy typing on her computer. It seems like the, 'I love you' disaster never happened, back to normal. He hasn't been to see Dr Argard since Donna came back, his prediction was right,

'Your panic attacks will not stop until you face up to the fact that Donna may never come back'.

'And they will, when she does'.

He remembers his conversation with Dr Argard and takes a breath of contentment and relief, he was right. Being managing partner now, with Louise as his right hand, he's got to have his shit together. And it couldn't be more together than this. Louise walks into his office as if thinking about him for just that second has materialised him. He groans, doesn't look up from his computer where he pretends to be busy.

"Hey Harvey, so everything back to normal now for you ha?' he says, walking around in his office like he owns the place.

"I'm busy Louise, as much as I love our small talks.' he oozes sarcasm.

'Oh, Harvey, I just wanted to find out what you're going to do now, that's all, looking out for my managing partner.'

'What am I going to do about what Louise?' He rolls his eyes, still doesn't look up, busy typing on his laptop.

'About Donna of course, are you going to find another secretary?'

Oh, if he thinks he's going to take Donna from him again, he's got another think coming, poor bastard. 'What makes you say that Louise? Donna is not coming back to you.'

'Well you don't think she's going to stay with you for good right? She was with you so you wouldn't shit your pants during the Mike thing'. Seeing Harvey look up with a start, Louise feigns shock and continues, 'Oh, you didn't know! Well let me give it to you, Donna is leaving you as soon as this mess is cleaned up and it looks pretty cleaned up to me. So what's your game plan buddy, I wouldn't want you to lose your shit again when she leaves, seeing as you're managing partner now.'

Harvey feels bile rushing up his throat, he wants to punch Louise right now but first he looks out to Donna's desk. She isn't there. He freezes, looks at Louise and,

'How do you know that?'

"Well she told me of course, why, didn't she tell you?'. Louise is practically gloating now.

Harvey stands up slowly, hands balled into fists, "Louise..."his says it as a warning and Louise backs down.

"Just saying Harvey", and he walks out.

Harvey is left standing there, the world is spinning, and his chest is crushing. He looks again at Donna's desk, and she's still not back.

'Be glad you have me as your maid of honour, who else can pull that rabbit out of a hat and have that venue for you in two weeks? Only the Donna!" she gloats, rising an eye brow at Rachel with a smile on her face. Rachel is beaming, she gets up and gives Donna a hug.

"Let it be known that I have the best maid of honour in the city. Donna, thank you so much for doing this for us.' Donna smiles but there is sadness in her eyes that does not escape Rachel's notice. "Have you told him yet Donna?'Rachel asks.

"Rach, I will, let's just concentrate on your wedding plans. I will tell him after the wedding, ok?'Donna replies dismissively.

Rachel nods resigned, 'I wouldn't want him to miss my wedding on your account. Are you sure this is the right thing to do though? Won't you change your mind?'Rachel prods.

Donna shakes her head, 'This is the only way Rach, I am sorry to bust your romantic bubble but sometimes, some things are not meant to be?'

Rachel shakes her head, 'if ever there were two people meant for each other, it's you and Harvey. I just wish there was something I could do'.

Danbury Penitentiary

'So where are we with my appeal Evan?' Charles Forssmann leans back on his chair and stares at his lawyer. Evan Smith was dreading this moment, this question, which is the only reason she has visited her client anyways.

She braces herself to deliver the news, 'I don't think there is going to be an appeal anytime soon Mr Forssmann. The appeal was blocked'.

"May I ask by whom?' he asks, feigning calmness but he is livid.

"Harvey Specter. His case is airtight, but I swear I am working on it, no need to worry'.

'Well you better, I am paying you a lot of money to do your job, do it!'

"I am. I assure you'.

"Well, I can't say as I blame you, you are up against the best. He can be a snicky little bastard that

kid. I take it this is your first time dealing with him?'Forssmann asks.

"Actually no, I dealt with him on some other case. He proved he will do just about anything for his secretary, even let us get away with murder."Evan delivers.

Forssmann is surprised and pleased, oh so Harvey has a thing for his secretary ha? Who knew? Certainly not him. He likes pushing new button, new power plays and he thanks Evan here for showing this new button into Harvey Spector's weakness. He doesn't say it out loud though. Instead he stands up, shakes Evan's hand and only says, 'See you soon Evan'.

He's been sitting on her couch for almost 5 minutes now, unable to say anything.

She starts,'Why are you hear Harvey, I haven't seen you for a while since Donna came back to work for you. What's the problem now?' Dr Argart asks him pointedly.

He scoffs, 'Who says there has to be a problem Doc, can't I just come in and see you? Like you said, it's been a while'. He tries to drag this out for as long as he can.

Dr Argart is not taking his bullshit. 'What happened Harvey?' she asks simply.

He sighs, here we go, "Donna..." He can't elaborate more than that.

'Ok, what about Donna?' she prompts.

'She is ..., I heard from Louise that she is planning on leaving again'. He sighs.

'Ok, I thought that you had patched things up. What exactly did you say to her to make her come back to you in the first place?'

"Nothing, I just found her in my condo one night, during Mike's trial, and she said she was coming back, that's it'.

'Ok, so clearly, she came back to help you during Mike's trial. Did she promise to stay for good?'

He sighs again; he doesn't understand how she quickly assumes that Donna came back to him temporarily. He didn't get the memo. He doesn't answer her as he is fast becoming angry.

"What happened Harvey? Why do you think she will leave again?' she persists.

'Because if she is planning on leaving, then she is only waiting for Mike and Rachel's wedding, which is in two weeks!' He hears the desperation in his voice and collects himself, 'By the way, Mike is out of jail. Oh, and Jessica left the firm, I am managing partner now.' He says offhandedly, as if he is delivering everyday news.

Dr Argart is shocked to hear this, especially the Jessica news 'Well Harvey, it seems like your life has had many twists and turns since I last saw you'.

'Yeah well, its old news. What do I do about Donna?' He feels he has wasted too much time making small talk.

'What do you want to do about her?' she tosses the question back

This isn't helping, he feels cornered and he stands to leave but Dr Agart proceeds.

"You can't ask me to tell you what to do Harvey; this is all up to you. Have you acknowledged how you feel about her?'

'Exactly what have I been doing all this time in all those therapy sessions? I love her! And I told her so, that's why she decided to leave me!' he bursts out.

This is news to Dr Argart .He told her? 'Ok, so you tell her that you love her and she leaves you? What are you not telling me Harvey?'

He realizes he slipped, he hadn't meant to give her that piece of news. 'She asked me how, and I couldn't answer'.

'Couldn't or wouldn't? Tell me, how do you love her Harvey?'

'It doesn't matter. You know what; I've had enough of all of this. I am not a pussy and I am not going to wallow in self pity because some woman wants to leave me. I have had it!' He shouts and Argart is taken aback by his outburst.

'Ok Harvey, she clearly is the woman you love and running away from those feeling will keep breaking you'. She announces, tired of dancing around this.

'Watch me.' He stands again to leave.

"What happened to you?' she asks in pure befuddlement, 'God save us all from stubborn men.'

'You know what happened to me, and I promised myself that I will never be week, ever'.

'So are you going to make your mommy issues control you now? I thought we were making progress. Will you never marry, have a family?' It feels like he has taken a giant step back from the last time she saw him, this isn't good.

"Oh I will, I just don't have to risk everything to do it'.

'What are you saying here Harvey?'

'I am saying I am going to do everything I can to get me back. I love Donna, but I can't have her'.

'Why not?'

He scoffs, 'This is ridiculous, have you seen me lately? I am pathetic! Having panic attacks because Donna left me, I am not week! In fact, this whole therapy series ends right now. I am taking control of my life, starting today. I promised Scotty I'd give her a call sometime, I think the time is now'.

Dr Argart is stunned by this turn of events, 'So you're just going to abandon your feeling for Donna because you're too chicken to risk anything? We both know that Scotty is not the one you wish to spend the rest of your life with'. She challenges.

He swallows, 'Ok, here's the thing. Scotty is my friend, and I know enough to know that I can make it work with her. And if she ever decides to leave me, I will be annoyed for sure, maybe a little hurt at best but it certainly won't kill me!'

Oh, she sees it now, 'So you admit you're a coward. Taking the path of least resistance.'

'Damn straight I am'. He walks out, furious with himself, with Donna. Just how does she manage to turn him into a complete wuss? He will never let anyone have that kind of power over him again. She left him! She can do that! The one thing he could never do, she did so easily. She left him, and now she's threatening to do it again. He can't take the risk again. It's too easy for her to let him go. He better build those walls back up again. The walls she so easily demolished. Well, this time they will be stronger. She eviscerated him when she left, but he's still breathing and he plans to continue that way. He's Harvey goddamn Specter! Survive he will.

Donna is in the file room, she is doing nothing business wise, just taking some time to collect her thoughts after what she just heard. Specter Litt is bringing in another name partner in a major. This will really help out a drowning law firm like Spector Litt. This is good, and it's a good thing. She tries to convince herself. She sighs, she feels like crying, but she won't. At the moment she is just numb, she can't believe it. She was leaving anyway, Mike and Rachel's wedding twelve days to go, and then she'll be gone. Now she just has to come up with the courage to tell him. It shouldn't be hard; when she leaves it will be Spector Litt Scott on the wall.