Bang.
He couldn't feel anything except stillness. Everything felt cold. Time stopped. Is this what it felt like? Is this death? He felt sure that he was being surrounded by chaos, by the world as he knew it being torn apart. But he felt numb. All thoughts ceased to exist, except one ... there was always one; Alicia.
/
He heard the laugh before he saw the glowing smile or the staggeringly beautiful face. It was the kind of infectous laugh that reached everyone in a close proximity. She sat at a table with a small group of other students but she stood out. It was apparent that she wasn't the life of the party, but she didn't need to be. Her glow pulled people in. The moon hit her pale skin in just the right way. Her mass of black curls hung down her back, wild and untamed. And that smile ... so big and so real, was enchanting. He regained his composure and started his run toward the pool, peeking breifly up to see if he had caught her attention. Cannonball. And the cheers ensue. When he came up from the water, his gaze found hers. She was smiling toward him and he took that as his queue. He racked his brain for something witty to impress her and then;
"So do you plan to cannonball your way into popularity here?"
He was taken aback. But then he looked at her and took note of the teasing expression on her face. The raised eyebrow, the crooked smile, the way she peeked up at him through her eyelashes. She was toying with him.
"well, we can't all rely on our witt".
She laughed again. It hit him. He felt like that laugh could solve any problem in his life - in anyones life. He held her gaze a little too long. She looked down.
"Will Gardner"
"Ah boy wonder has a name". She held her hand out in front of her, "Alicia Cavanaugh".
They shook hands and he smiled at her, knowing it would induce her answering smile, which is all he really wanted to see in that moment.
/
"I think this is stupid".
Alicia lay across his floor in his oversized Georgetown hoodie, surrounded by chaos. Papers, books, files ... everywhere. She closed her eyes and her pulled her hands through her knotty mass of curls, over dramaticising her annoyance with a loud groan. He couldn't help but laugh and then the book flew through the air into his face.
"Hey! No need for the aggression Leesh". Shaking his head and still laughing he says "You knew Moot Court was part of the package. We'll kick ass. you're amazing". It caught him off guard, he hadnt meant to of said it. He was hyper aware of his mistake. Alicia's eyes looked up to his, searching for some sort of clarification. He changed the subject quickly, out of fear of being caught and fear that he actually wanted to be caught.
"We've got this. We've done the work, you know what you're doing, you'll crush the prosecuting team and i'll stand there looking pretty".
Her laugh echoed around the room.
"And you said i would be the one relying on my witt, how irionic". Her laugh continued.
"When? I didn't say that".
She looked taken aback, as if hurt by the fact that he didn't remember their first conversation.
"Don't tell me the cannonballs knocked all memory of our first conversation out of that pretty little head of yours? That may be grounds for dismissal of friendship Mr Gardner".
He liked her like this, playful Alicia. Of course he remembered their first encounter. But their conversation had been somewhat overshaddowed by his memory of how breath taking she looked. He laughed.
"As if i could ever do such a thing".
"You're lying aren't you?"
"No". She cocked an eyebrow, as if challenging him and he knew he was about to walk head first into unchartered terroitory. "You wore dark blue. It made your skin look more porcelin than it actually, your curls were more wild that they are now, you had abook with you of course. But it was your laugh that drew me to you. i've always said you have a good laugh haven't I?".
She looked dumb struck. He knew he'd backed her in to a corner. She looked into his eyes and held his gaze. Then there it was, her smile. The most infectous, alluring thing he thought he would ever come by.
/
Will watched the clock. 9am. half an hour. just half an hour more. He felt anxious and he didn't know whether this was because he was excited or nervous.
Today was the same, but it was entirely different.
He made his way down to the staff meeting 10 minutes early. Employees had started taking their seats, nodding at Will.
"Am i missing something? Why are you early?"
Diane looked at Will with confusion, as if his presence was completely out of the ordinary, and he supposed it was.
"Turning over a new leaf Diane, didn't you know i'm very in to meetings these days?"
He tuned Diane's words into the background, nodding and grunting responses where appropriate. It was very nearly 9:30am. Why wasn't she here?
The meeting started. It was almost over when there was movement in the back of the room. Will sat a little taller stretching his neck to see over the associates. Alicia Florrick. She looked tired. As if everything that had recently transpired between her husband and her and sucked the life out of her but she was still beautiful. He'd seen her on the news. Standing behind her cheating husband, playing the role of the devoted wife. She'd looked like a shell of herself. She wasn't the Leesh he knew in law school. The one who was so full of innuendo and witty banter. She looked empty.
The meeting ended and in an attempt to look less eager, Will left and made for his office. He didnt get too far when;
"Will!"
He turned slowly, "Alicia".
Her answering smile wasn't the smile he'd come to know. The one that stole breath from his lungs and made time stand still so many times before, but he knew it was still there, behind all the hurt, embarressment and betrayal. It had been over a decade, but she was here now and already making Will question his life of bachelorism.
"Late on my first day" she laughed. "I guess i have changed since school. Are you busy?"
He wanted to scream that he was free, that he had all the time in the world her for, that he would make the time for her but this was work, he had to try and maintain just a little integrity.
"Actually Lee-Alicia, i'm about to go in to some depositions, but pop by my office later, we'll talk".
She nodded once, half smiled and turned. He stood, watching her walk away as he felt she always used to. Walked away into her new life, into her marriage, into motherhood ... but she paused, her steps faultered, she turned to look back at Will - already still and watching her- "It's really good to see you Will". And then the smile spread across her face. It was her real smile. Her Leesha smile. It confirmed what he already knew. His Leesha was still in there and this time her turning and walking away didn't feel like the end.
Later that day, he sat in his office. Head back, eyes closed, baseball in hand. So much was running through his head, but at the forefront was Alicia. "How was her day going?", "Does she even know where my office is?". His thoughts were broken by a light tap on the door. She was here. "hey". He motioned for her to take a seat.
She looked exhausted. Day one and she was beat but he knew that was probably a result of how uphiltered her life had been the last 6 months.
"So how was it? Are you in my office to hand in your notice?"
She laughed but it was halfhearted. Not the laugh he knew. She looked as though she were spinning his questions round her head and carefully considering her answer. Typicial leesh, he thought. Always so sensered.
"Well not yet" She smiled. "Actually Will, it's been ... refreshing. Like coming up for air". She smiled and there was a beat of silence. "I guess i just wanted to thank you, for this. For giving me air". She laughed at her comment. It was almost hysterical. Like she hadn't laughed in a long time and was hearing the sound for the first time. "How awful was that?" laughing again.
Will looked at her, laughing too. "It's good to see you like this; laughing".
She cocked her head to the side. "Like this?"
Will knew he'd opened himself up to his mistake. "I've seen you, you know, on the news". Alicias face fell back into her mask. "I can't imagine how you're feeling, how you've been feeling, but you were my closest friend once, back when we were slightly younger and slightly less educated on life. " He stiffled a laugh. "And i'm only on the next floor up from you now, you know, if you need a friend. I'm around again now Leesh". What was he doing? He didn't know why all of this was spilling from him. It just felt so natural to be there for her; This woman he once loved. He exhaled when he saw the ghost of a smile on her lips. She looked at him - as she had on that first day of orientation - through her eyelashes.
"You called me Leesh. I can't remember that last time someone called me that. it was nice". Her smile grew. Will knew he was in trouble. Having her so near to him again was going to cause trouble. But he liked it.
/
He knew he'd messed up. He took a risk he shouldn't have taken. The baby was going to die and it would be because of his wrecklessness. As he hung up the phone, Alicia walked in to his office. He saw he had her bag and coat with her. She was obviously checking up on him before she left. He broke down. He'd never done this infront of her before in all the years that they'd known each other, never wanting her to know how weak he could be. He felt her hand on his shoulder. It stilled him. It was as if this was all he needed. The weeks of too much unanswered eye contact and knowing stares came together with that small touch. If he didn't do it now, he never would. He turned to look at her and was met instantly with her dark eyes peering right in to his.
He moved his hand on to his face. She knew it was coming, he knew she knew. But she didn't move away and this was all he needed. He kissed her. It was as if everything made sense now. This was supposed to have happened. He stopped the case, still looking into her eyes.
"I, um, maybe ..."
And then she was kissing him. She initiated it. His hands slid down her back. He felt her shiver. It wasn't an agressive kiss that he was used to with his younger women, it was full of passion. Full of meaning. Her hands moved to his neck. He longed for her to kiss him there. Will knew that no moment would top this.
/
The door clicked shut. Will watched Alicia as she walked into the room, dropping her bag and removing her jacket as she went. This is it. She stood still with her back to him and he could see her shoulders rising and falling. He walked up behind her and felt her shiver as he swept her hair off her shoulder and moved his lips to her neck. She let out a breathy, low moan that hit Will in places he didn't know exisisted. This wasn't just about sex. Not for him. This was about over a decade of want, of need, of passion all going unanswered.
He moved his hand to her zip sliding his fingers across her skin as he did and started pulling it slowly down until he was on his knees behind her, allowing her to step out of her dress. He moved his hands artfully up her legs, up to her thighs, to the edge of her stockings. He could hear her breathing getting more staggered. He noted how she slightly parted her legs when his hands reached her thighs. He knew she needed this as much as he did.
He stood then. Really taking in just how amazing she looked standing infront of him in only black lace underwear, stockings and 3 inch heels. Almost as if she had known this was going to happen tonight and this was all for him. She turned to look at him. The look she gave him was not what he had expected. He had expected her to be nervous and unsure, but the look in her eye and the smile she gave him was speaking for her. She didn't need words. She kissed him; deeply; passionately and Will knew that he couldn't wait much longer and that she couldnt either. Her hands were around his neck, loosening his tie, they worked dilligently at his buttons and she removed his shirt, brushing his fingertips artfully across his collarbone as she did. It was the first time she'd seen him like this. He noted how she paused, looking at him with a desire in her eyes. And before he could take this further. She smiled at him. It was their smile.
"I need you will".
/
He woke up cold in a large white bed, noting the lack of covers around him. As he looked to his right, he saw Alicia, still asleep and wrapped thoroughly in the blanket. No matter how many times he woke up to her porcelain skin, her dark curls spread across the pillow, her chest rising and falling with her breaths - he would never get tired of it. She was beautiful. She moaned then, making him lose track of his thoughts and opened her eyes to look straight into his.
"Ugh, are you watching me sleep? That's a little creepy Will". She looked serious. But the facade was soon broken by her pushing herself up to kiss him whilst laughing. "It's dark. What time is it?"
"11pm. Am i to be insulted that you fell asleep only minutes after that amazing performance i gave?"
"Will, no one likes a show off". She wrapped the blanket back around herself and got off the bed, laughing as she made her way out on to the balcony. She turned back around to face him, "Well aren't you coming?" She asked with a devilish smile on her face. In that moment, Will knew there was no one he would rather be here with.
Alicia was stood looking at the lights of Newyork as Will took a seat on chair. "Little cold over here Leesh". She walked over to him with a knowing smile on her face and climbed onto his lap, wrapping the blanket around them both and placing her legs on either side of him. They sit for moment, wrapped up in eachother, in their world. She rocked her hips the tiniest amount and laughed at the look on his face as she did. It was her laugh. A laugh that could turn his world on it's head.
Afterwards, they sat still entwined looking at the view of Newyork. Both realising how intimate this moment was, both not wanting the moment to end.
"this is the happiest i've ever been".
She said it so quietly, that he almost thought he had imagined it but he could feel her smile. He caught his breath, not even realising that he had stopped. He knew right then that he would never love another woman in the way that he loved Alicia. There was no one else. There never could be and there never would be.
/
Cold.
Everything was cold. There was no feeling, no movement, no sound. But he could hear her laugh, feel her touch, see her smile. He needed her to know she was the love of his life. Still, after everything they'd been through recently, his thought's right now were only of her. How intoxicating her scent was, how her smile, so big and so vibrant could light any room, how her laugh bounced off walls hypnotising all around her, how her strength dazzled him, how he felt whenever she was near him.
"This is the happiest i've ever been".
That one sentence replaying in his head as the darkness grew deeper.
And then there was nothing.