Frost
It's too hot.
It's always too hot.
It could be thirty below and still be too fucking hot.
It's ironic, actually, that I have this new ability to control ice.
My best friend controls fire.
We don't know where these stupid curses came from.
They happened when we each turned eighteen...
It's funny.
If you touch my skin you get frostbite immediately.
If you touch his skin, you get third degree burns.
So what happens if we touch each other?
...Not that he'd want to touch me.
but, you know, I can dream.
Yeah, yeah, horrendous cliche, but I'm in love with him.
So much in love that it scares/worries me.
But he doesn't know.
Oh, everybody else knows.
But not him.
Not Axel.
And I'm kinda glad.
If he found out...
He'd probably light me on fire.
...Melt me?
See...
Unlike myself, he's straight.
Straight.
Straight as a board.
Not me.
I'm gay.
Totally gay.
The I-wanna-rape-my-best-friend-on-the-spot gay.
Hm.
This diary thing might not be too hard.
Stupid therapist.
In what world is this going to stop me?
Flames
Ugh, stupid diary thing. I mean, really, what is writing shit down going to do to help me? I'll probably end up lighting the damn thing on fire.
Well, yeah. I control fire. It's kinda fun, except that my best buddy Roxas controls ice. Now I can't touch him or he'll melt... :( I used to love the feel of his skin, before we were cursed with these God damned powers. Granted, I still love a lot of things about him.
...But he can't ever know. Because, well, dearest Roxas is straight. And, hell, I can't even bring myself to tell him that I'm not, much less that I fucking love him to death. I'm afraid he'll hate me, or stop talking to me.
I can't believe I love him... It's such a horrendous cliche, but we've just been friends so long that I couldn't help it. He's too damned cute.
You know, writing in this stupid book thing is easier than I thought, but I doubt it's going to save me...
Frost
I'm at his house right now.
He thinks I'm doing homework.
It's just better if he doesn't know about any of this.
The therapist, the...
Well...
He doesn't know, and that's all that matters.
He'd never forgive me.
I still don't know what the point of this thing is.
Nobody else is ever gonna read it.
So why am I bothering to write?
She'll check it, I suppose.
At least look to see if there's writing.
So I'll write.
But I won't like it.
Flames
Watching him do his homework is so relaxing. His eyes moving across the page, his hand scribbling down words... I'm practically salivating. I want to reach out and touch those hands, but ...who knows what would happen? One touch could be fatal, for all we think we know.
I need to tell him. I want to tell him. ...But I can't. And no, not that I love him. I need to tell him something else entirely.
Frost
Hm.
You know, I don't advocate arguing, but Axel and Xion are getting annoying.
We had our first fight today.
They keep whispering and looking at me...
So I called them out on it.
Yeah, I got mad and yelled.
Then I went home and...
Ugh.
Who does he think he is?
Talking about me like I'm not there...
But...
I love him.
So much.
Too much.
And I'm scared.
Flames
Stupid Roxas... Fighting for no reason. Can't you see that I love you? Don't you know that every time I look at you my heart leaps and beats faster and my temperature rises even more until I have to look away because you're too amazing? Don't you know that every move you make is memorized in my head and whenever you take a breath my own air hitches in my lungs and causes me to long, long, long for your breath against my face, cool frost, ice, that little puff of visible air when you exhale? Don't you know?
Frost
We're not fighting anymore.
I didn't expect us to be.
He apologised.
Told me that he was asking her something about me.
He won't tell me what.
You know...
I like green eyes.
And flame red hair.
And purple tear drop tattoos.
Hell, I love them.
I want to touch them.
But I can't.
Flames
I was reading back over this. ...I sound like a chick. But ...I don't care, too much. My tough outer shall can only contain me so much. I guess this diary is the chewy gay center.
I keep asking Xion if I should tell Roxas that I love him. She keeps saying yes, but I haven't done it yet. I just keep thinking about what the look on his perfect face would be. Disgust? Anger? Disappointment? ...Hatred? Not love, no, he'd never love me...
Frost
I love him.
I love him, and I need to tell him.
I'm sitting on his bed.
All I have to do is speak up.
"I love you."
That's all I have to say.
Three words.
Right now.
Go.
...No.
That would be a three word death sentence.
No, I'll sit here and watch him scribble in his red notebook, like my blue one.
But he's doing homework.
Not me.
I'm writing in this stupid diary.
Waiting.
For tonight.
When I'll forget this pain, even if only for a moment.
Flames
He's so close; too close. We're sitting so close together that his cold and my heat are creating a light fog around us.
I wish he knew what he does to me.
I want to tell him, show him, let him know what I do at night for him, even though I know I shouldn't and that he'd hate me for it and I have to see 'that woman' because of it and tonight... Tonight is going to be fun. So fun. A finale of my cowardice. All I have to do is press harder...
Frost
Too much.
Too much.
I'm losing feeling.
Falling.
Is this my last entry?
No.
I'll put down the blade.
Enough for tonight.
But, oh...
Too much.
Too much.
I wear my feelings on my sleeve now;
says the heart carved into my arm:
"I lo
Flames
I didn't get to do it tonight. He did it for me. I'm sitting by his hospital bed while he sleeps. So peaceful... Damn. I'm crying again. I want so bad to touch him... Without my stupid gloves. The gloves that retain my heat. But even with the gloves, I'll melt him.
I had no idea that this was happening. His brother did, obviously, if he's not here. Some guardian Cloud turned out to be...
They say he'll wake up and be fine, but he'll have to wear a cast. The dumb fuck almost cut his hand off... Maybe I can help him... I know, I can do his homework. I finished mine already earlier waiting for him to wake up. He shouldn't have to worry about assignments on top of a suicide attempt. ...Okay, and may I just say that his book bag is a little scary? He's got all sorts of creepy poetry books, most of them smeared with blood. It actually made me a little sick to go through. There's also a few blades wrapped up in leather that make me want to cry. I almost take them and throw them away, but rethink it, not wanting him to hate me. I found his blue notebook, though, smashed into the bottom of his bag from when I hastily gathered his things. Yeah, I was the one that found him. And ...had I not, he may have died.
Flames
Oh my God. Oh. My. God. Holy shit. He... he loves me? I guess he's being forced to keep a diary too. Hell, we probably go to the same therapist!
But it's there. In blue ink. He loves me. And he did this for me. ...Because of me...
He's still sleeping. Which is good, because I'm having a panic attack in his room. What do I say?! What do I do?!
I can't touch him. I want to touch him; kiss him. But I can't. I can't, and I'll never be able to.
He's stirring... I'll probably not write for awhile now. The therapist can suck it--he needs me.
Frost
Wow, it's been awhile.
But guess what.
We're dating now.
Yeah, Axel and I.
And I couldn't be more in pain.
It's been three months since he accidentally read my diary.
Three months.
Ninety days.
Three hundred bruises.
Flames
Damn it... He's cheating. I know it. He's been hanging around Zexion too much. How could they do this to me? To Demyx?
I'll remind him who he belongs to.
Frost
I met Zexion again today...
We're not cheating.
Really.
I can't touch anyone, remember?
Oh, wait.
Saix taught us how to control it.
...So what if I'm cheating?
He abused me long before this started.
I may as well give him a reason.
And Zexion?
Same boat.
That's right, bubbly little Demyx has another persona.
The bruises on Zexion's perfect body are horrendous.
But mine are worse.
...The first time we met was to plan a joint birthday party for them.
They thought we were cheating.
And so, we paid.
And after about the tenth time, he showed me.
And I showed him.
The bruises.
And cuts.
And melted flesh.
Then one thing led to another...
And things got out of control.
And we started to cheat.
We figured, if we can't even talk without getting beaten, then we may as well have fun in between.
And the bruises just kept coming.
Flames
...I caught them. They were kissing... I flew off the handle. I lost control. Now he won't talk to me.
Mostly because he can't.
I don't know what to do...
I love him.
Frost
I'm done.
I'm done, done,
done.
Yay, Axel, good for you.
You finally caught us.
You caught us.
You caught us doing what you drove us to do.
So congratu-fucking-lations.
You lost me.
You can go fuck Demyx.
Maybe you can melt his flesh off his bones.
'Cause I'm done.
Done.
All that's left are the bruises on my face.
And third degree burns.
And the eye that I can't cry out of anymore.
But you don't deserve my tears, Axel.
I'm done.
Flames
I haven't seen him in three days. I miss him. I want to apologise. I want to le
Flames
He was here. He came here to say goodbye... His face... Oh, God, his face... How could I do something like that?! I'm so stupid... I had one shot. And I blew it. Right into his face...
Frost
I did it.
I broke up with him.
The man I've loved for years.
The man I still love.
To death.
But...
I'm afraid of him.
Really and truly afraid.
I don't think I could handle him ever touching me again.
Flames
I have to make up for his pain. I've hurt him so badly... Now it's my turn.
Frost
What the fuck, Axel?
Role reversal?
Really?
You had to go and fucking put yourself in a coma?
I'm so mad at you I can't see straight.
But I love you too much to hate you.
...Too much to break up with you.
You have to learn to trust me.
Or...
Dude, you have to wake up.
You have to.
Why the neck... ?
Two cuts, one on each side.
Like vampire bites.
But...
Deadly.
Real.
Too real.
You can't leave me here.
Not now.
If you die...
I'm coming with you.
Frost
Three hundred and fifty eight days.
Almost a year.
That's how long it took him to wake up.
I stayed by his bedside the whole time.
At least an hour a day.
He was cold.
When he woke up, I mean.
His heat had left him.
And he saw me, and burned the hell out of my hand.
I'm still afraid of him.
I don't want to touch him.
No.
I don't want him to touch me.
Ever.
I flinch away from him.
Even now.
Half a year after he woke up.
Apologised.
He went to hug me.
I ran to the corner of the room.
We're still dating.
Sure.
But no touching.
Flames
What the hell have I done? What the FUCK is wrong with me?! He won't let me touch him. He literally runs away. It pains me. Every time he does it, I want to break down crying. I have, more than once.
But no luck.
Flames
He let me. I touched him. For the first time. In God knows how long.
We finally did it. Pushed the boundaries. We had sex. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. He let me touch his face. ...His perfect face... And ...we got carried away.
Not that I'm complaining.
It was amazing. And I regret not a minute of it.
We're finally in sync. As a couple, I mean. I think we can really be together now.
He doesn't fear me, I love him to death.
I'll never hurt him again.
Frost
Holy God in fucking Heaven...
Axel is damn skilled.
Okay, so this was a total last minute thing I wrote in AP Government Thursday. I hope you guys like it, because I actually may post the back story of what was happening outside the diary entries. But, only if you guys want, okay? I realllllllllllllly hope you like it. It was fun to write, but I almost fear I ended it too quickly. Hm... Well, tell me what you think, please! Any comments and criticisms are welcomed! THANKKKK YOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...For reading, obviously.
Okay, well, my sister needs my laptop, so bye!!
Sincerely,
Number XV: Rexene
So long as the king loves music, all is well with the land.