Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy
Losing my baby to adoption was the most significant lost which I had ever faced. I was so very young and it was my first experience of grief with much intensity. It caused me to have lack of sleep, nightmares, depression and most of all anger.
I mourned for my beautiful little girl for I knew she would not be with me to celebrate wonderful holidays such as christmas, taking pictures with Santa or having an easter egg hunt and all the other holidays throughout the year. Although, it's been years, I sometimes feel like it was only yesterday when I found out about my pregnancy.
Weeks, months passed, I could feel this little creature growing inside of me.
She was a part of me and she was mine and no one else's. My baby was my pride and joy, yet it was with great sadness that I had to come to a decision to let her go. I loved her with all of my heart, but yet, I was a child myself. I wanted the very best for her.
When I gave her up, I knew she'd be welcomed and loved by the couple who adopted her. She'd be given a chance of a great life which I alone could not have given her. I gave her up not because I did not love her, but because I did.
The shock and intense feelings of pain and sadness has never gone away. I've shed a million tears for her on many a nights. I feel this emptiness in me and no matter what, nothing will ever fill the void in my heart. Each year I'd go out to buy a card in celebration of her birthday. I've never mailed it to her, but, maybe one day when and if she'd ever try to locate me, I then will hand those cards over to her.
I remember being in a department store a few weeks after I'd given her up. I heard a baby cry. God! I felt as though someone knocked the wind out of me. I wanted to run and hide. Everywhere I turned was a remember of her. I ached to hold her in my arms. At times I thought I'd lose my mind. I could actually hear crying, that cry, that wonderful sound of her shrieking at the top of her lungs as she first set foot into this world.
I know things will never be the same again. But, I thank my daughter every night for giving me a chance to be a mother to her, even if it was only for a short time. Nothing is greater, than a parent's love for their child.
I will always love her, this child of mine.