Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lily, Vader
Author's Note: I do not own the rights to How I Met Your Mother. Saw episode 2x05 World's Greatest Couple and thought it'd be funny if Barney chose to wanted to keep Lily at the end of that episode instead of kicking her out. Also reference to Big Bang Theory's Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock. My first attempt at a story that rides mostly on dialogue on purpose. The italics are Old Ted narrating.
Kids, did I ever tell you about the time Your Uncle Barney and Your Uncle Marshall fought over your Aunt Lily?
Light shone in through the balcony door, nuzzling Barney awake. Something else nuzzled his back and he smiled. Life was as usual. Maybe a little more comfortable with these baby blue covers and custom made Italian sheets. He smiled and rolled over to see which broad he had banged last night. He must've gotten really drunk because he couldn't even remember leaving the apartment. He found a cute redhead… wait he knew this redhead. No. No. No.
He screamed. She screamed. They were not screaming for ice cream. All was wrong in the world.
Ten minutes and much arguing later, Barney held up his hands, "Stop! Stop. Look, this whole thing freaked me out which means it cannot happen again."
"Again?" Lily stopped whatever clever argument she was about to say. "So I can stay?"
"Of course you can stay. You're a great angle!"
Later that night, Barney sat at a table in MacLaren's Pub adjusting his suit cuffs and drinking a beer. Every now and then he would wonder about how much money he spent on booze, but it was totally worth it. Marshall walked in and Barney's thoughts- dear God, he had thoughts- turned to another matter.
Marshall ordered a beer then cautiously walked over to Barney's table. "I still haven't forgiven you."
"For what?"
"For stealing all those girls from me! My confidence is totally shot now. Anytime I think I'm getting somewhere with a girl I start to look to see if you're waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce on her and steal her away with your magic tricks or smooth moves." Actually, there was the barista at the coffee shop down the street that really liked his joke about the Pumpkin Latte. How'd they fit a pumpkin in that little cup? But he was not going to mention that to Barney.
Marshall looked around. "When are the others going to get here?"
"Oh they're not coming. Robin and Ted went on some sort of 'date' thing." Barney made a dismissive gesture and noise. "I brought you here to offer you a proposition. See Lily moved into my apartment."
"What?" Marshall said through a mouthful of beer.
"I love her-" Barney started to say.
Marshall spit out his drink.
"Usefulness. Sheesh let me finish," Barney closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Dude, you've stolen literally every girl I've hit it off with and now you're stealing my ex-fiancée?"
"She's the perfect wife," Barney said, taking a sip.
"The two of you got married?!" Marshall yelled. "She wouldn't marry me but she'd marry you?"
"What?" Barney made a face. "Of course not. We're pretend married. It's mutually beneficial. She gets a place to crash and I get someone to scare off my one-night stands. I'm keeping her."
"No you are not!" Marshall stood up, shoving his chair back at the same time.
"It's not like you want her. You rejected her when she asked you to get back together with her. If you don't want her I'll take her."
"You can't just use Lily to scare off your floozies!"
"Why not? She likes it," Barney stood up as well.
Carl, the well-muscled, bartender, intervened at this point. "Hey, you two. No fighting in here. Take it outside."
Barney nodded at Marshall. Marshall nodded at Barney. They walked to the back door, never breaking eye contact.
I have been told two vastly different versions of this next bit by both parties involved. Barney insisted it was a gentleman's fight with fair punches all around but he won in the end. Marshall insisted he beat the crap out of Barney. Luckily, Robin and I walked by and got to see it for ourselves- without their knowledge.
Barney and Marshall were standing face to face, both had their hands up, swinging them around, each with a fist pounding into his palm. Then suddenly they both declared "Scissors!" and made the hand gesture for scissors.
"Oh come on! Not again. You know what, new players," Marshall declared. "Lily and Vader. Lily will be an L and Vader will be a V. Lily defeats paper, because she grades paper and Vader because she'1s way sexier than him but is killed by rock. Vader defeats rock because, force, duh, and scissors, same reason, but is defeated by paper, because his diary is a nightmare and Lily for aforementioned reasons."
Barney paused, as if considering, then squinted and nodded. "Agreed."
They started again. "One, Two, Three, Go!"
"Lily," Marshall yelled, making the shape of an L.
"Vader," Barney yelled, making the shape of a V. "Damn. I should've known you would pick Lily."
"That's right, I'll always pick Lily!" Marshall said, putting the L for Lilly on his forehead.
Barney giggled and pointed. But then he straightened up and glared at Marshall. "Then why haven't you done so yet?"
Marshall glared, and made a "duh" face for a few seconds… before making a thoughtful face, that turned into a frown. "I don't know!"
"Well I know. You're still mad at her. And you need to do whatever it takes to get over it. Got me? And you better move fast before she becomes too accustomed to a certain standard of living." Barney winked at Marshall and adjusted his suit jacket before strolling back into the bar. Marshall stood there for a full five minutes, fuming, pacing, and talking to himself before he finally went back inside, too.
I asked Barney later what was up with his insistence to keep Lily in his apartment. He'd never give me a straight answer, but after Lily filled me in on what he had done for her and Marshall while she was in San Francisco, I figured it out. He had done his job of making sure Marshall didn't get with anyone. Now he was doing the same for Lily.