1921
It started the same way it always did. It was a beautiful summer's day as they pushed the pram down the street away from their flat and towards the park. It was odd no one was around, as the city always seemed to be bustling with people, especially compared to Downton, but neither one of them noticed.
"I never imagined my life would be this way," she said with a light, earnest smile.
"Neither did I." And it was true.
"It's better than I ever could have dreamed, truly it is. The money, the title, the parties and expectations...none of it means anything to me. I love my family dearly but I could never go back to living that way after experiencing this world, the real world."
Her words, her presence...everything about her blew him away. It was in the simple, beautiful moments like these he so often felt himself at a loss of words. He admired her simple periwinkle-blue frock and the effortless elegance and confidence of her stride as she pushed the carriage. They reached the park with its lush, beautiful green grass and came to a stop as he moved towards her and put his hand on her cheek.
"I thank God everyday for you. For both of you. Despite all the hardships, I'm certain I'm the luckiest man alive." They smiled warmly at each other before one, or both, of them leaned in for a kiss. Each kiss, no matter the occasion, was as loving as the last and he had no doubt it would feel that way forever. She reached into the pram and took their baby into her arms, a sight that, despite the short amount of time it'd been happening, never failed to leave a slight lump in his throat. He savored the sight silently until she suddenly handed their daughter over to him.
"So what all do you want to do today, love?" She smiled at him weakly.
"We can just lie back and watch the stars."
In that moment, everything began to slow until it came to a stop.
In that moment, that wretched moment, he remembered what was to come next.
In that moment, he screamed at the top of his lungs and found it only created more silence. He tried to keep that fleeting moment frozen so he could do something, anything, to freeze it in time. As the scene slowly began to move again, he quickly placed the baby, that poor, poor baby, back into the stroller. He lurched forwards towards his struggling wife only to find an invisible barrier keeping them apart.
"My head!" she screamed, hitting herself over and over, landing blow after blow which resulted in a pain that couldn't even compare to the fire that seemed to be enveloping her whole body. He continued to attempt reaching her but to no avail. All he could do was watch her scream and cry, seize and suffocate, without doing a thing. He wanted to hold her and love her and breathe for her and fix everything but he was trapped, condemned to watch his love die while all of his efforts failed.
Tom woke up feeling damp from his own sweat and tears and with his heart racing. Again and again, night after night, he suffered through these nightmares. The harshest part, he'd decided, was the initial relief he felt upon waking up. It was only a nightmare. She's fine, you just had a bad dream. He expected to roll over and find her there, ready and willing to soothe his fears. Instead, he found a vacant space he knew would never be filled again. It'd hardly been a full six months since it'd happened-he couldn't bear to say what it was-and the pain hadn't even begun to subside. He kept himself together well enough when he was around the others but even then he was merely concealing the weighing down he felt in his heart hour after hour. There were times it'd let up, he'd get caught up in work or laugh at a joke or revel in a beautiful day, but then his heart would skip a beat and he'd remember. More often than not, after a particularly good or bad day, he'd want to run home and tell her, only to remember she wouldn't be there.
The nights were always the hardest. After restlessly tossing and turning, he often ended up in the nursery, holding the infant who bore the name of his beloved or even just watching her slow and steady breathing as she slept. She was such a good baby, and the only crying in the room came from the silent sobs that gripped him each night.