I never stopped to think about how painful it is to have a stake in one's heart. Hell, after all the Strigois I killed, I never thought how they felt when they're staked. I never thought I would experience so much pain, so much heartache, that I wonder if this is what it feels like to be staked through the heart.

I thought I lost him forever when I set myself to destroy him in Siberia but this was destroying me. Part of me knows he will never be the same. Some part of him was damaged when he turned, never to be restored. But I never would have guessed that it was so deep that he would say those things to me. I was hoping it will all soon fade but when I saw him with her, my best friend, looking at her with so much adoration, I just couldn't take it anymore. Even if his gaze of awe to Lissa has no romance in it, I felt like he was supposed to only see me in his eyes. I thought it was hard when I tried to kill the person I loved and left my best friend. Now, I am faced of what I know is the hardest decision I'll make.

As what I have said a long time ago, it was always a toss-up over who would cause me more pain. Right at this second, it was both.

I've given up on you. Love fades, mine has. Words that destroyed what I've always believed in.

I've been lost in my own thoughts since the day I talked to Di – to him. It's been 7 days since he crushed my heart in his hands. A week since my relationship with Lissa changed. Much to my dismay, I am still shadow kissed. Being able to feel Lissa's emotion this past week has been challenging. She knows something's wrong with me but I don't want to confide in her. I couldn't. Not when she's part of it. I know it sounds petty to be angry with her. She didn't, after all, intentionally tried to hurt me. I know that he will be forever looking up at her, like she's an angel that saved her – and she did. The selfish part of me can't accept that. I can't stomach his adoration for her, and none for me.

I was the one who abandoned the Academy and Lissa in order to search for him. I was the one who risked my guardianship for the chance of him being restored and yet, he didn't ask for me - he asked for her. I couldn't comprehend why he wouldn't want to see me – to specifically not let me near him.

I felt alone.

All this time, I was dreaming that he still loves me, that he still cares but I was just in denial. My life is anything but easy, not now and certainly not later.

My scars were healing but now they were ripped open. Denial was my first friend. I couldn't grasp the idea that he can just throw away our love. But then grief came next …I was guilty that I let it damage my relationship with Lissa, but immediately went to the phase that I got stuck to. Anger.

Adrian has been with me since the day I started my isolation. It sorta beats the purpose of seclusion – being with him – but no matter what I do, I can't shake him off. Adrian can see what my aura is and he can't seem to stop telling me it's black and growing darker – if that's possible. He also can't stop telling me he's on the suicide watch so he can't leave my side. And as much as I want to be alone, I did feel his presence is warranted.

As what I have discovered when I was in Russia, there were dhampirs – guardians for hire. It was time that I put myself first before others. It was time I chose my own path. I needed somebody to blame for what I've been through and I knew the perfect one to blame it all on. Strigoi.

It's time I stop my moping.

"Little dhampir, I hate to end our one-on-one time but there are things you might want to check out." Adrian suggested.

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked while squinting my eyes at him if he's just trying to get me to talk to Lissa.

"They're questioning him on where are the Strigoi headquarters." He doesn't have to tell me who's he. And I shouldn't have doubts because he understands when I told him I needed time until I was ready to face Lissa. "The guardians have grouped together to strategize on where to attack first. Some Morois have been training to help out in the attack."

"What will they do once they were there? By attack, do you mean kill or capture and then restore?"

Before he could answer, there was a knock.

"You again."