Title: Bound By Nothing
Author: s0hmam0miji
Fandom: Saiyuki
Character(s): Hakkai, Sanzo, brief mentions of Gojyo, Goku
Pairing(s): 38 with implied 85, 39
Challenge: LJ Community - antiotpficathon
Rating: T
Warnings: Shounen ai, M/M, Language, Dark
Spoilers: Passing references to Hakkai and Sanzo's past.
Timeline: Very early in the Journey
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all Saiyuki characters belong to the great Kazuya Minekura-sensei. Long may she live and draw!
A/N: One of the darkest fics I have ever written. Special thanks to my AMAZING friend and beta, the wonderful and incredibly talented Amael21
Summary Hakkai and Sanzo attempt to answer the question: Can we truly be bound by nothing?
"If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha.
If you meet your father, kill your father.
Free of everything, you are bound by nothing.
Live the life that is given to you."
Darkness.
No distractions to deaden the deafening drumroll of raindrops against the rooftop.
From his spot on the sill, Sanzo turned his head towards the scraping snap of the shutting door.
"What do you want, Hakkai?"
"I'm afraid I no longer see the point in wanting. Why wish for something you can never hope to have?" Pause. "Or have again."
"Moron. We each make our own path."
Only the slight scuffle of shoes sounded his companion's stealthful approach.
"Is there a path left for a murderer?"
"If you really believed that, Hakkai, then what the fuck are you even doing here?"
"Sometimes I think I can answer that with absolute certainty. Other times…"
"Regret is a waste of energy."
"So is rage."
"Cut the crap and stop wasting my time. If you have something you want to say, say it."
The brunette winced at the low whine of worn wood as his weight was added to the windowsill.
"I've been considering that, though we may never be granted redemption, perhaps, at the very least, we could grant each other a temporary reprieve?"
Syncopating the steady rhythm of the rain was the faint tattoo of the pulse from the healer's hand, hovering a heartbeat away from the sutra-bearer's shoulder.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
An exasperated sigh emerged from the converted youkai's lips.
"I thought, perhaps, we could make the situation more tolerable if we were able to occasionally alleviate certain… needs."
"Ch. You've been talking to that fucking kappa again?"
Ferried by the silence, Sanzo caught the weak shush of a falling hand, brushing defeatedly against a silk sash.
"If I could do that, I wouldn't be here."
"Idiot."
"I do not deny that."
"Do you even know what you're asking? Have you gone insane?"
"Yes. And yes, quite possibly."
"Tell me why."
"I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, Sanzo." Pause. "I was hoping, perhaps, that I wouldn't be able to hurt someone who attaches value to nothing…"
Free of everything you are bound to nothing.
"…Unless I am mistaken and you have found something… or should I say someone to whom you attach value?"
A curt huff escaped, masking the confrontational crick of clenched fists.
"DON'T go there. Do you WANT to die?"
"Yes, actually. But that is beside the point."
A sudden shift sent a fluttery flap of fabric twisting against a weathered windowsill, startling the former teacher.
"Don't be stupid."
"Consider this, Sanzo. At the very least, it would be one night's respite from the rain. I have lost the right to ask for more."
"Ch. Do what you want."
Silence.
"No. I can't. But this is enough." Pause. "Please."
The rumbling roar of thunder, rattling the rickety windowpanes, punctuated the monk's brusque reply.
"Fine. If we're going to do this, then do it. Now. Before I change my mind."
"Thank you."
"Shut up."
Sanzo closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, allowing the flurry of sounds to wash over him: the slow, tentative ruffle of supplies and clothing; the light clink of glass against the nightstand; the soft pop of a plastic tube; the gelatinous squirt of viscous fluid; finally, a soft stifled groan.
"I'm ready."
The blonde's approach was preceded by the squeaking shuffle of leather and denim, and followed by the careful creaking of overtaxed bedsprings.
"Hakkai…"
The youkai heard the metallic graze of chapped lips against three silver clasps.
"…What do you want?"
"Only what I deserve."
An impatient grunt broke free from the scowling mouth.
"Fine, then. What do you deserve?"
Sanzo almost missed the choked whimper, barely audible above the disquieting din of the pouring rain.
"God, please violate me."
He did miss the muffled pat of a single tear against the cotton pillowcase.
Darkness.