"Responsibility" My Butt!
Written by: Bleached Ramen
A/N: To lazy to write an intro author note
Assistant's Note: It's me! I, Crack God, am assisting BleachedRamen in writing this fic. If you don't know who I am then you must be either new to the site or living under a rock. Please enjoy BleachedRamen's first story on the site and feel free to shoot milk out of your nose when you laugh, but please try not to short circuit your computer when doing so. BLEACHEDRAMEN AND I ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR COMPUTER DUE TO YOUR IMMENSE LAUGHTER CAUSING YOU TO SHOOT ANY SORT OF BEVERAGE OUT OF YOUR NOSE. You have been warned.
Chapter One
In the hidden village of Konoha the sun had just risen over the stone heads of the Hokage that had been carved into the serene mountainside. The golden rays of sunlight pieced through the window of Naruto Uzumaki's apartment. To much astonishment the lazy blonde dumb ass was already awake, completing pointless ninja exercises that wouldn't help him catch a fly.
Half an hour later he stopped and gathered his ninja equipment; kunai knives, shuriken, condoms- you know, all the essentials. Today was an important day for the young Naruto, and yet Naruto had no idea why whatsoever. Kakashi- Naruto's sensei who oversaw his ninja training- had explained what was going to happen previously. However, to Naruto's dismay, a certain little doggy was humping the blonde's leg during the explanation, and thus he had been severely distracted.
"Oh well," Naruto sighed as he left, his orange tracksuit still bearing the little doggy's mark.
Upon heading for his team's meeting place, Naruto passed several of the other local ninja. Kiba was playing with his little doggy- yes, THE little doggy. Shikamaru was petting his new pet cockatoo and Choji was eating his pet pig. Ino was pulling her new pet, Sasuke, across the street very forcefully; Sasuke was most certainly disgruntled. After chewing through his neon pink color, Sasuke managed to escape and ran away to the river to clean himself after what Ino had done to him.
Soon Naruto reached his team's meeting place- a beat up old bridge that had been oh so cruelly damaged from the times when Sakura was having her period and Kakashi was late. Sasuke was now at the bridge as well, his clothes still wet but at least now his was clean. Sakura was there as well. Today she was wearing her skin-tight red leather jumpsuit that seemed to be half-missing; it was her new work uniform. Naruto didn't seem to like the outfit, but Sasuke and Kakashi were both obsessed with it.
"Hey, baby," Sasuke spoke to Sakura. "Workin' at the car wash again?"
"You know it," Sakura replied. "You should steal a car just so I can give you a blow job."
"You know I will," Sasuke said, and before you could say 'purple sex muffins are good' Sasuke and Sakura were making out.
Two seconds later, to everyone's surprise, Kakashi popped out and wasn't late. He then pulled Sasuke off of Sakura and started drooling over Sakura's work uniform. For the last three days since Sakura got her new job Kakashi had been abnormally on time.
"What the fuck are you doing!" Sasuke bellowed at his sensei. "If you want to go stare at one of the new car wash girls then go find Tenten!"
Just then, Tenten walked by. She was wearing her car wash uniform, which was even skimpier than Sakura's. In less than a millisecond Kakashi had stopped Tenten from moving any further and was now salivating in front of her.
In a flash twenty-seven and ¾ kunai (how there was ¾ of one I don't know…maybe someone got hungry or something) pierced through Kakashi's back, causing the pervert to fall over instantly. Swooping down from a tree, Neji gracefully plummeted to the ground, receiving only several bloody scars, to rescue his damsel in distress.
"Art thou alright, mi' lady, Tenten?" Neji poetically questioned, his long black hair streaming out from behind him.
"Thee before me, my Neji whom I love and forever will, please take thou to your castle," Tenten replied, flower petals dancing across her smooth, and exposed, skin.
"So we can make hot, hot sex?" Neji asked, the romantic air dying on the spot.
"You read me like a book," Tenten said in response. And with that Neji and Tenten ran away hand in hand, heading for the Hyuga household's largest and softest bed. Or they could've been bored of beds by now and were trying out tables, but one really never does know.
After Neji and Tenten were out of sight, Kakashi got up and pulled the 27 ¾ kunai out of his back and went back to his team.
"Ahem, well, I see that you've brought what I asked you to, Sasuke," Kakashi replied. "Nice choice, if I do say so myself."
At first Naruto thought Kakashi was just referring to Sakura, but upon further investigation Naruto realized that behind Sasuke was a dark indigo-colored pony.
"What the fuck!" Naruto exclaimed. "Why do you have a pony, Sasuke!?"
While Naruto was interrogating Sasuke, Kakashi was attempting to speak, his face turning red. "Naruto… Naruto… Naruto! NARUTO!!!" Then when he was out of all of his patience, the pissed sensei whipped something at the oblivious Naruto. "LISTEN YOU DUMB ASS!" Kakashi yelled, the object flying straight at Naruto.
"What do you wa- ouch!" Naruto screeched.
"HOLY HELL IT MOVED!" Sakura shrieked, Sasuke looking like he couldn't care less. The brown rock with white spots that Kakashi had just thrown then got up and attempted to walk away. Unluckily for it though, it was currently experiencing the effects of what is called a 'hangover'.
"Ohmigod! It's moving, it's moving!" Naruto cried.
"Of course it's moving, dunce," Kakashi replied. "He's Phil, my new pet hamster."
"Meow," a creature that one would assume is a cat spoke. Naruto then glanced at Sakura and saw a tiny kitten in her arms.
"Wait, why does Sakura have a cat, you a hamster, and Sasuke a cow?" Naruto asked, obviously clueless.
"He's not a cow!" Sasuke retaliated. "He's my sweet little pony and his name is Pookey!"
There was something about Sasuke that then scared Naruto, very much. Maybe it was the way Sasuke looked at the horse, his leg kicking up. Or possibly it was the girly voice he had used. Whichever one it was, Naruto couldn't decide.
"Sasuke brought a horse-" Kakashi started.
"Pony!" Sasuke yelled.
"Yes, as I was saying, Sasuke brought a pony because every member of all nine of the rookie teams were suppose to get a pet to care for to illustrate something called "responsibility". I stated this clearly during yesterday's discussion. I'm sure you remember it, after all Akamaru did come and visit you during it," Kakashi sensei said.
Naruto glanced at Kakashi's hamster, then to Sakura's kitten, and lastly to Sasuke's cow- err, I mean pony.
"So, where's your pet, Naruto?" Kakashi finally asked.
"I, uhh, err, is that a trick question?" Naruto fumbled, pressing his two index fingers together.
Kakashi lowered his head and sighed. "I guess it's to be expected. You have three days to find a pet, or by the Hokage's orders you will be sentenced to be the Kool Aid Man's personal assistant for a month."
"Nooooooooooo!" Naruto yelled. "I need a pet, I need a pet!"
"Baka! You are so hopeless Naruto," Sasuke asked.
"Are you challenging me, bitch!" Naruto roared. "I'll kick your white ass and your cow's with it!"
"You can say that to me, but to Pookey!?" Sasuke said, heart broken that anyone would put down his pony like so. "Prepare yourself for an ass kickin' match!"
And thus Naruto kicked Sasuke, who returned the kick with a punch. Two seconds later they were both rolling on the ground with much yelling and slapping.
"Go get him Sasuke!" Sakura cheered. She then went up to Pookey and smacked the pony's ass. The pony, being startled and all, then started stampeding away and just so happened to run into Hinata. The timid girl fell on her plump ass. Pookey then ran back to Sakura, deciding that he liked his ass to be smacked.
"Wh-what's going on?" Hinata asked, pointing at the fighting boys.
"Sasuke's kicking Naruto's ass because the blonde idiot put down his pony," Sakura answered.
"But why does Sasuke have a p-pony?" Hinata asked. "Isn't that k-kinda abnormal for guys?"
"What are you fucking implying about my precious Sasuke!?" Sakura roared. And so the girls started to fight as well.
"CRACK IS FUN!" Kakashi sensei exclaimed as he and Phil watched the two fights. A couple of shots later, the hamster was drunk again and was doing the worm in a nearby tree while being circled by several hawks and the hobo that snuck into Crack God's closet.
Chapter One End
A/N: I am not at all related to the hobo in the closet previously mentioned… twitch
Assistant's Note: Do not do drugs. Ever. Crack God
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