A January Rose

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

He silently cursed himself for only wearing the jacket and scarf. The cold and unrelenting wind tore through his defenses and left him shivering as he walked along the deserted street. The sky was a dreary gray and the clouds were suffocating the landscape. Fresh snow covered the ground, and the cars that droned down the street quickly turned its beauty to brown slush. A few flakes fell from the sky and accented his medium brown hair. He glanced towards the sky, to watch the snowflakes swirl down. He may have looked happy, but inside he was dying. It had snowed a year ago. When his life crashed around him. When everything stopped making sense.

One year ago he had been happy. He had lived with the man that he had expected to spend his life with. His hair had been much brighter, just as he had been. One year ago his eyes had been alive. Now they held no light, and no one saw their violet beauty. One year ago his lover Yuki Eiri had thrown him out of his life for good. No questions asked or answered. And now he was in a constant state of heartbreak. Nothing could have prepared him for what had happened. January was now the hardest for him. It always would be.

He continued down the street and stepped into shadow when a large cluster of teenagers came down his path. He didn't want to be recognized. He quickly pulled out a pair of large sunglasses and stepped back onto the sidewalk. He continued his aimless walking. He never had anywhere to be anymore.

Work didn't matter. Hiro only ever looked concerned for his happiness, Suguru was always muttering horrible things under his breath, Sakano always worried too much, and K never let up with the pressing schedule. Everyday was only a façade anyway. The others thought he was happy again. They thought that everything was fine. Out of them all, Hiro was the only one that saw the light leaving his eyes day after day after day. Hiro was the only one that saw him dying on the inside. But Hiro couldn't help him anymore.

The two had grown apart after having countless arguments. Hiro had wanted him to move on, try new things, get on with his life. He had wanted to stay the same. He never wanted to forget what he had had. Ever. But he couldn't stay alone forever and had found an unlikely friend in someone that he would have avoided if possible. He involuntarily smiled at the memory of his chance meeting with Tatsuha, his new best friend. Tatsuha understood better than most his pain, and why he wanted to stay sad. Hiro had stopped trying to understand him; Tatsuha already did.

Sometimes seeing Tatsuha brought back painful recollections. His eyes were the same shape, but Tatsuha's were melted chocolate. Yuki's had been molten gold, or pools of sunshine dancing in a lake, or--. He could have gone on about him for an eternity. That had been one reason Hiro had gotten tired of him…Hiro had always hated Yuki. Hated him for how he treated his best friend, hated him for how he was. And he still hated him for how he had affected the one he had loved the most.

His cell-phone's chirping ring startled him out of his thoughts. The caller ID showed Tatsuha's smiling face. He flipped open the phone. It would be good to hear his voice after all of this.

"Hello?" he asked in his normal, dead voice.

"Hey, hey Shuichi! What's up?" Tatsuha's voice rang out loud and clear.

"Nothing's up…just thinking…" replied Shuichi with a sigh.

"That's never good…I know you. Well, what are you doing right this second?"

"I'm walking on a street in a certain neighborhood." Replied Shuichi. He didn't necessarily want Tatsuha to know where he was.

"You know you shouldn't be there. What if my big bro decides to go for a stroll, eh?" said Tatsuha with an edge of anger.

"I know, I know…I'm sorry…" said Shuichi. He was never sorry. But sometimes he needed to be there. He needed to feel close.

"Whatever. Listen…I have this thing going on and you need to be there. No buts about it." Said Tatsuha, switching back into friend mode.

"I'm busy, you know that. I have too much going on at work. K's gotten crazy."

"You're lying. And you know why I think that? Because K, Suguru, Hiroshi, and Tohma are attending my little shindig. And you are too if I have to drag you over here myself. Oh, and Ryuichi will be here as well and I know you don't want to miss that." Said Tatsuha fluidly. He knew that Shuichi needed this.

"I don't want to Tatsuha…"

"Yes you do. You need this Shu-chan. Especially now." Tatsuha said quietly.

Shuichi only replied with a sigh. He knew that Tatsuha was right. He did need this. It had been a year today. But no one seemed to want to care. He still cared. And he still hurt. Tears clouded his deep eyes and he bit his lip to keep from making a sound. Tatsuha didn't need to know that he was crying. It would only make him worry more.

"Listen, Shu-chan, I got to get going. But this thing is going to last a week so you're going to need to pack accordingly. Get here tonight. ASAP buddy. I'm serious. If you're not here by nine I'm coming with rope to drag you here. Alright, I'm out." A click announced his departure.

Shuichi glanced at his watch. It was 6:30. Yuki had ended everything exactly a year ago. Shuichi's memory was as clear as a summer day. He remembered everything, and it all still haunted him.

"Shuichi. I need to talk to you…now…" came Yuki's voice from the inner sanctum of his study.

"I'm coming Yuki!" he called happily.

"Listen…this can't work anymore…" Said Yuki distractedly, never once looking Shuichi in the eyes.

"Wha, what? Yuki I don't understand…" he had replied.

"It's not working, Shuichi. I can't take this anymore…" Yuki said as he sat down and stared out the window. Always avoiding Shuichi's face.

After that point Shuichi had blanked out. He had watched his lover's face vividly, but he hadn't heard the words. He hadn't wanted to hear the words. He had never wanted everything to end. Not after three years together. At that moment nothing had mattered. His Yuki was gone.

A sudden pain in his head snapped Shuichi out of his sad daze. The wall of an apartment building had brutally assaulted his face. Rolling his eyes at his own stupidity, Shuichi stepped away from the wall and continued on his way. As he walked past the entrance to the building, he noticed the paging buttons and the names next to them. Yuki Eiri was listed as apartment 7A.

'He still lives there then…' Shuichi thought to himself.

He finally reached his own apartment around seven o'clock. He needed to pack anyway, and couldn't afford to waste anymore time dwelling on his sad past. Instead he flopped and the couch and stared at his blank ceiling. He was twenty-two now. He had tried to move on in the past, but had never been able to. His heart and soul still hurt too much to forget about. Yuki had cut him to deep to ignore. He would be forever damaged goods, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Sometimes he had sudden spurts of optimism, but they never lasted very long. Sometimes he would try to move on, let Hiro set him up with someone. But that someone was never Yuki. Never would be. And he was tired of trying. He had accepted the fact that he wasn't going to just get over this. Even though everyone tried to make him, tried to tell him to move on, tried to tell him he was wrong to do this to himself. But he wasn't. He still loved Yuki. More than anything. And he didn't want to let that die. He wanted to love him still. He couldn't begin to comprehend what it would take for him to let that go. He didn't think he'd be able to, even if he tried, or wanted to. Nothing and no one could heal his heart.

7:15. Shuichi was sure that Tatsuha's threat would hold true. It took an hour to get to his large, country house where he held the longer parties. Plenty of rooms, plenty of fun. But for him it meant that he would have another week of lying, of pretending to smile, of pretending to be OK. Because he was never OK. And he didn't think he ever would be.

7:30. He knew he should get going. His house wasn't always organized. He might not even have enough clean clothes to take with him. Pulling himself off of the couch with a resigned sigh, he moved towards his small room. The sight of his single bed caused more tears to rush to his eyes. That had been one of his favorite parts; sharing a bed with Yuki. Having someone beside him all through the night. He'd never have that again. He didn't want it again. Not if it wasn't Yuki. Sadness came over him again, and wrapped its cold hands around his heart.

But maybe the party would snap him out of it. But it probably wouldn't. Having everyone there only seemed to make things worse. They never tried to understand anymore. Tatsuha always had these parties spur of the moment. He would randomly call someone and suddenly you had a weeklong fiasco on your hands. People fought, people got together, wars started, wars ended, challenges were held, and everyone always had a good time. Except for him.

He slowly pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. Every time that he smoked, he felt closer to Yuki. He chuckled to himself, thinking of what a hypocrite he had become. He had always told Yuki to stop smoking, that it would kill him. And Yuki had always refused him. Here he was, smoking. He could only imagine the look on Yuki's face if he knew. But then he snapped back into reality and realized that even if Yuki did somehow know, he wouldn't care. He didn't care anymore. He had ended it after all.

7:45. Shuichi grabbed whatever clothes he could find and threw them into a duffel bag. He wasn't going to bother finding his suitcase. He'd only lose it while he was there anyway. He put out the cigarette and pulled on some gloves. The sky had gotten much darker and the snow had thickened considerably. He found his car keys and stepped out the door, making sure that it was locked behind him. On the elevator ride down to the garage, he let his mind wander back to a year ago.

"I'm leaving now…I don't know if or when I'll be back… I don't want you here when I come back. Do you understand?" Yuki had asked him. He still wouldn't look at his face.

"How can I understand? Eiri, why-"

"Stop. Just stop. I can't tell you why…" Yuki had returned. There was an obvious shake to his voice. "I need you gone. Now."

"But-"

"NO! Listen to me: This isn't working. It never did. It was all a lie and you know it. I'm leaving and I don't want you here when I get back."

"It wasn't a lie…" He had answered as he slid to the floor.

"I'm sorry Shuichi. This is the end." Yuki had said without a backwards glance as he walked out of Shuichi's life forever.

The elevator dinged and Shuichi stepped out into the garage. He headed for his black Lotus and climbed behind the wheel. He had gotten the car to cheer himself up at Tatsuha and Hiro's urging. But it hadn't worked. He had known that it wouldn't, but he needed a way to get around.

8:00. He turned the engine over and rolled out of the lot. He made quick time through town and headed for the highway. The snow continued to fall and his mind continued to wander.

"Yuki…" he had said to the empty office.

He waited for Yuki for what seemed like an eternity…but he never came back. He had packed all of his belongings together, put his key on Yuki's desk, and had opened the door. But he couldn't leave. Leaving meant accepting that Yuki wasn't his anymore. That Yuki didn't love him. That everything had been a lie. He had stood there for an hour before he finally took a step out the door. He called a mover to get his stuff. That had been the longest walk of his life. Through the snow, the wind, his tears. He had had nowhere to go.

Brake lights shining in front of him made him slam on his own. Blinking back his tears, he noticed the car in front of him. A black Mercedes. His heart turned over at the sight of it. What if-. He made himself stop. What ifs wouldn't help anything. And besides he needed to concentrate on his driving. His insurance couldn't take another wreck.

He reached Tatsuha's house in record time. From the assembly of cars he could see that everyone was already there. Ryuichi's Mustang GT was in the driveway, and Mika's sports car was next to Tohma's Saab. Hiro's bike was near the garage and Suguru's little car was at the curb. K had driven his favorite 4X4. Everyone was convinced that it was the one with the rocket launcher. Sakano had taken a cab. Highway driving stressed him. Shuichi clicked the lock on his car and shifted the duffel bag to his other shoulder. He glanced down the long road behind him, and was surprised to see headlight. Tatsuha's nearest neighbor was seven miles away.

"Hey Shuichi! You made it. I was just heading out to get you." Said Tatsuha happily as he ran over to meet Shucihi. "But on a serious note, I'm glad you're here."

"I suppose I am too…" Shuichi replied quietly.

"I just couldn't bear the thought of you all alone this time of year. It's so drafty." Said Tatsuha, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Yeah…that's it…drafty…"

"What's wrong now?" asked Tatsuha, throwing an arm around Shuichi's slender shoulders.

"Isn't everyone already here? I saw headlights…"

"Oh…that's nothing…heh…don't worry. Some buffoon probably just got lost, that's all." Replied Tatsuha with concealed worry.

"Ok…let's get inside. It's freezing." Said Shuichi as he teeth began to chatter.

Entering the large house, he had a good feeling. Maybe this week would fix everything. Maybe he could finally be better. But probably not. He drifted back into pessimism. It would never get better.