Kuryakin's Kidnapped!
Dream on, girls...this mission is MINE
August 8
UNCLE dispatch # 24-779
******CONFIDENTIAL******* TOP SECRET******CLASSIFIED*******
Sect 2 # 2 agent Illya Nickovetch Kuryakin has been incommunicado with this office for 48 hrs. He has not been seen for nearly 3 days and is presumed in the clutches of some dastardly villain. Or a mad, mean megalomaniac. Or perhaps a Hungarian dance instructress. Awaiting ransom demand. Keep all channels open and available to track said agent and return him to HQS forthwith.
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E-mail from Rose Light, Queen of Toledo
To: United Network Command for Law and Enforcement U.N.C.L.E. NY, NY A. Waverly #1
Message: Yes, I am in possession of Illya Kuryakin and will return him when I'm darn good and ready.
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To: Rose Light, Imaginary Authoress
From : Desk of Zombie Waverly
Message: Tut-tut, old girl. Such a fling is beyond the dignity of one of our agents, assuming we should acknowledge that we have agents. UNCLE is merely an international import-export consortium
whose employees occasionally carry dart guns and cyanide. Mr. Kuryakin has a new assignment and needs to be returned to NYC as soon as possible, or the nearest airport with a flight to Provence.
He is considered the sole property of the UNCLE, (whoever that is, if there is such a thing). He needs to be returned in original condition.
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To: Rose Light, Woman of Mystery
From: THRUSH -Technological Hierarchy for Removal of Undesirables and Subjugation of Humanity and Birdwatching Society
Message: Our minions report that you have obtained a valuable commodity for which we would reimburse you handsomely. As you are currently un-employed, our organization is prepared to offer you the exciting position of vice-villainess that will make use of your intellect and experience. At your age, you'll be interested to know our group provides a unique retirement plan. Not to mention, all the Constant Comment tea you can swallow. Trust me, we'll be in touch. Just don't mention this communication to any one. Or look out your window.
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To: Rose Light, Another Crazed Fan
From: His Wife
Message: While I am certain you mean my dear husband no harm, I am concerned for him. He left home without his medication or his Cornflakes. The grandchildren are anxious he be returned for birthdays and various holidays, whereupon he spoils them unconscionably. Our 45th anniversary is approaching, and I shall certainly look the fool if I attend the party alone. You understand. Please return Darling David before Christmas, and all will be forgiven.
Cordially, Katharine Carpenter McCallum P.S. He prefers Johnson's baby shampoo.
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To: Rose Light, Potential Conspirator
From: Central Intelligence Agency, Bowels of Hell, Langley, VA
Message: In our routine surveillance of your diary/mail/ phone/computer/laundry/grocery list, we discover you have captured a dangerous Russkie spy. This person has been on our watch list since 1963when he entered the country under the guise of an international trade executive/souffle chef. It is your patriotic duty to release this person into the custody of our representative who will call upon you when you least expect it. A "good" citizen with nothing to hide would cooperate.
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To: Illya Kuryakin, in care of Rose Light, Toledo Temptress
From: Napoleon Solo, section one # 1, Hargrove Trade Co.
Message: So here's another fine mess you've gotten into. Alright, I'm on my way to effect rescue. Employ evasion pattern 8.2 ,although it may take awhile if I can't find my blasted sword cane. I caught some young whippersnapper named Hank Cavill systematically swiping all my favorite toys and —Ginger honey, please don't rumple the suit—your timing is inconvenient as always.
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To: Citizen R. Light, Espionage Educator, USA
From: Soviet Security Specialists Pottsylvania ,and Your Good Neighbors at KGB
Message: Evidence exists you have secured one Illya Nickovetch Kuryakin, a Ukranian national with much business to concerning our organization. Since his explos- er..ah...exploits took place nearly fifty years ago, our warrants have prior claim. This felon... er...ah...fellow must be extradited to our HQS at once if not sooner. Welcoming committee to greet him at airport.
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To: Rose Light, Dramatis Interruptus
From: Mark Harmon, Executive Producer NCIS
Message: Look, Lady, we start production on the coming season in 6 (six) weeks. I expect McCallum aka Ducky, on the set with the rest of the cast, or I will be forced to consider him in breach of contract. This will result in fines for each day of absence. I got a top-rated show here and you'll just have to get your senior jollies somewhere else. I hear Patrick McNee is available. Semper Fi. PS No, please do not send me another fanfic script.
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To: Rose Light, Romantic Wonderwriter
From: Mlaw, Irish Lass
Message: "Hmmmm you must be all shriveled and squeaky clean from holding said blond ransom in your bubble bath."
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To: Mlaw, Prolific Pen
From: Rose Light, Crazy Cat Lady
Message: Tee-hee. You betcha. Our Bonny Boy has met my cat and charmed her at once. We've been lounging on twin recliners reading all my manuscripts Aloud! (screech of pure pleasure)(well, maybe not 'pure'...) Monday, I think we'll 'duck' the various stake-outs and take a drive out of the city. We could bring my son's guitar along and a chilled bottle of moscato, find a sweet wildflower meadow, lie back on a blanket and watch the Perseid meteor shower at midnight. (Aug 12 & 13) There is no truth to the rumor that I am taking photos for blackmail purposes (I'm un-employed, but not un-ethical) and no, I'm not sharing them with you. (could be Evidence, y'know) . I spose I shall have to return him...eventually. But at least for a little while...or a while longer...he's mine. MMMmmm...
Finis (sigh)