Hi everyone so I realise that this isn't Fanfiction which I do write but recently I read some similar story's and I wanted to tell mine in the hope it would help someone out there going through the same.
My name is Survivetheshit and this is my story I should say if you want a happy tale you might want to look somewhere else.
TRIGGER WARNING in this I specifically talk about my triggers and the forms for harm I used.
I was born at the end of march 1999 in Walsgrave hospital when I was born by c section after my mum was in labour for 3 days. After my birth and I had to be named my mum said I'm too tired you do it, my dad couldn't be bothered to come up an original name for me so named me after his best friend.
I don't remember much about my early years apart from I was a total bitch in nursery and reception I remember that I was confused by the people in my class hugging there mummy's and daddy's at the end of the day I remember my friend in reception who I still know to this day I went to her house for I kinda play date and had tea there. It was her dad that actually taught me I was using a knife and fork and showed me what I was doing wrong.
Then came primary school I had the best friends in the world and amazing time but I was never really happy I didn't know why. My home life was awful but I didn't know any different at the time my mum would scream at me all day I was too young to defend myself and didn't realise what she was saying to me.
It was around this time that my dad installed a lock on my bedroom door his new punishment was to lock me in my room if I was bad the lock was too high for me to reach at that age and I couldn't get out. My dad would get very angry his eyes would pop he'd go bright red he has very little hair and is short but very strong so was more scary he would pick me up very roughly I would scream kick punch bite anything I could think of to avoid it my mum would just sit there and say nothing he'd carry me up the stairs and toss me into my room he rarely hit the bed slam the door in my face and lock me in. I would cry then I was bored id be locked in there for hours.
My dad also loved to do the exact same but when we get to the top of the stairs he held me out over the banister and threaten to drop me unless I said sorry I thankfully was stubborn and refused so I'd be half dropped and heroically caught by my ankles I didn't like heights as a kid which my dad new so I was too scared and screamed I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry until he pulled me up he said because I'm generous and kind I won't drop you so he became very kind in my little head. This along with my motherly fights was pretty much the norm as I got further through school I started to fight my mum back and my dad stopped. I began to like him more but hate my mum this is when we got screaming matches for hours every night my dad always defended my mum when I asked him he said of course that's what happens in marriage I will always defend my wife.
From then on me and my parents despised each other they hated me called me horrid things I would always sit upstairs alone for hours. I began having nightmares about my family and what would happen in the future. Then came year 6 summer holidays and changing school's I wasn't that worried about it me and all my awesome friends were going to the same school but in that holiday. I was sitting downstairs which was a rare occasion my mum was watching sky new at 1 O'clock there was an article about some celebrity that attempted suicide. TRIGGER WARNING
I was 11 she said idiot! If your gonna try and kill yourself you down cut horizontly across your wrists you go vertically though the big vein and showed me with her finger on her wrist. She then turned to me and said if you're going to try this then do it properly so I don't have to clean up your mess you know do it the way I just showed you.
This really messed up an 11 year old with a tough past's head I went up to my room shut the door watched the X files I still remember the episode (season 8 the one where skinner and scully finally find Mulder yay I loved him) I was watching this I got a craft knife someone bought me I was very arty and a musician I put 3 2 and ½ inch vertically slits in my right wrist like mummy showed me at closed my eyes at 11:47pm and fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning with nothing wrong with me but a red stained wrist for the first time. Then came year 7 it was going well I had my friends and some others which included my best friend still four years later around half way through the year things went wrong I fell out of love with art I had the head of art teaching who basically told me I was crap all year I thought I wasn't good enough. I began feeling really sad all the time and wanted to sleep non stop I dreaded 7:00am when I had to get out of the comfort of my own bed.
This is around the time that me and mother hit breaking point when she started verbal abuse everyday as well as our screaming matches. So I turned to my craft knife again I cut but only small amounts on my feet and legs no one knew. Then came year 8 I hid my depression and harming I had this amazing man who's name started with a W he taught me art I fell back in love with it I used drawing and music as an escape I finally showed him my art ability. In this year I began harming worse first I took a scraper thing from those kid foil image things and slice a large circle patch of my hand I said I sliced it with a knife accidently.
Next I took the bathroom razor and cut all of my hand up I used the classic cat scratch. The head of year called me and said a teacher thinks the marks on my hand were self-harming marks I denied it said the cat and mum would agree with me. Year 9 I started GCSE'S I choice art thankfully because of W I was gutted when I didn't have him but carried on I harmed continually in non-visible places throughout the year.
I also fell in love with science and medical stuff especially med shows like House holby and ER I found fandoms as well I loved them I used them as an escape I even created my own character and mashed all my favourite fandoms together I used to watch them in my head at night I have an incredible memory and is still love those videos. My favourite was a jedi knight from a magic spell casting planet that lived forever assigned to Babylon 5 she knew Marcus cole on her homeworld and was ver y close to him a royal princess father was the king evil mother dead father taken slave with her big brother who was killed when she lead them all to rebel came home fought a war lost her soul went evil and was cursed with it again and loads of other stuff I can't be bothered to write.
During year nine I hit bottom when W who I still saw regularly was the only person I trusted got injured badly and was of work for around 4 months I had no one this is when I first got insomnia and began starving myself I got to the smallest weight I thought I could before people would notice and had zero sleep.
When W came back I asked for his help in making art work for a music project I had to do which involved a lot of working after school together I enjoyed this a lot as it got me out of the house and he always seemed to make me smile no matter what I never figured out how. On the last day of the project I finally told him how home was as I felt I had to talk to someone and I trusted. He agreed not to tell anyone. Year 10 came my self harm got MUCH worse I cut twice a day every day my arms and legs were a mess a friend got me bio oil which helped and did all she could to keep me away from home.
I began diving in to medicine more but also researching self harm I watched all the story's on youtube and videos I began to teach people I knew enlightenment through laughter art and music. But not something I learned myself. Eventually I hacked my wrist up one knight I knew it was bad because the physical cuts didn't hurt my friend convinced me to go to W and tell him as I never mentioned my harm before when I found him we talked for 15 minutes and told of the legal requirement to talk to my head of year I was nervous and when I got home did all I knew how to do cut.
Next day it was Wednesday I had English in the morning period two was French about ten minutes in W came to pull me out he got my best friend and we all went to the head of years office. W made me laugh on the way somehow no idea how. I only said the bare minimum to her with W and my friend there it took an hour she sent W back because he was of timetable all day marking and that was more important to her. After break me and my friend went back I refused to speak for half an hour until she sent me back to lessons I asked if I could speak to W alone with my friend she allowed us to go for half an hour at the end of the day period 5. He made us laugh again but said he had to tell head of year what I said so gave him very little.
He recommended the head Chaplin I said I couldn't talk on my own so offered to go with me it happened basically I learnt this guy was a dick and just made me feel like a freak for two hours. He promised that he'd get back to me at the end of the week and a month went by still harming badly with no one noticing.
Summer came and I attempted suicide again in Canada where we were to visit family after seeing them all really happy I wore long sleeves the entire time we were there but no thought that was strange which made me fell so alone I had such bad cravings to cut I ended up using my uncles razor to slice my thighs. Year 11 started and I was told that I couldn't talk to W anymore because I caused him emotional stress which he denied when I went to apologise he said I just worry I got told to take melodeon and Prozac and sent to the school councillor. Nothing happened
so I decided to help others alone, I threw my blades out the window, I made a twitter to help anyone with issues, all my friends talk to me, I admitted I'm messed up, I do all kinds of charity work I tell my story to anyone who will listen, most importantly I use Tv art and music I look at the beauty of this world not just the suffering.
Most importantly I have dedicated my life to healing others I will go into A level next year to do phycology I where something called a Caduceus round my neck a Greek symbol of healing. Life doesn't have to be crap.
So for anyone out there reading this who has been through similar please talk to me or realise that your not alone, your never alone and it's not your fault.
Do anything what I did make a list of top ten things to do that are really wacky:
1: Meet the actor Jason Carter (Marcus cole from Babylon 5) love Him
2: Learn 8 instruments
3: Get Bruce boxleightner to follow and DM me on twitter
4: Meet Hugh Lorie because he's awesome
5: Become a professional phycologist
6: Go on Jeremy Kyle and watch him shout at my parents for half an hour!
7: have helped 100 people fix there their lives by my 30th birthday
8: Donate money to my school and make a better pastoral Care system
9: Tell W how much he helped me
10: Teach someone guitar
This is mine so
#staystrong #musicsavedmylife
Follow me on twitter everybodycrys