Life in the Tower continued normally for the next few weeks.
But Bucky couldn't bring himself to be a part of it.
There was so much...life happening in the Tower.
Pepper and Tony were just weeks away from bringing home their new baby, a son. So they were decorating and rearranging their floor. Tony was driving everyone crazy with his increased security measures.
Bruce and Betty had happily settled into their new roles as parents and were making every effort to do something different with Mikey every night. Bucky admired the way they worked hard to help him learn to fit in with the family.
Thor and Jane were alternating their time between New York and Asgard. But Bucky noticed that they were spending more time in the other realm. He wondered what that was about. But he wasn't close enough with either one to feel comfortable asking.
Clint and Natasha, like Pepper and Tony, were getting ready for their own baby, a surprise. They were usually found, heads bent together, whispering about nursery plans and hospital plans and god knows what else.
Steve and Kit and Liam, the established family, had their routine and followed it.
But Bucky, Bucky wasn't able to join in on any of that.
Not that he was excluded.
Steve made every effort to drag him out to the gym.
Clint and Sam wanted him to join them at the shooting range.
Bucky didn't deserve to join in. He couldn't. Not when what he had done to Tim was weighing on his mind, as heavy as the first prototype for his metal arm had been.
After that first day, the realisation struck that attacking Tim could be potentially dangerous.
There could be legal action, media attention...Carter could find out.
But after a week, nothing happened. And Bucky was relieved.
He was talking with Carter almost daily, and while Tim never came up, Bucky knew it was hanging over them.
Attacking Tim was something the Winter Soldier would do.
Not something the reformed Bucky Barnes should've done.
(Beginning of August)
"You've been acting weird," Steve said as they ran down the block one morning.
Bucky focused on the pounding of his footsteps against pavement, "Have I?"
Steve snorted, "Yeah, jerk. We've all noticed."
"And what? You were nominated to talk to me?" Bucky grumbled.
Steve's steps faltered at the anger in Bucky's tone, "No...I wanted to. We haven't really talked in a while."
Bucky shrugged while running, "You've been busy."
"You've been on almost all of the same missions that I have," Steve pointed out.
Bucky grunted. He was feeling particularly guilty and wrong today. His skin felt too tight and everything happening around him seemed to get on his nerves.
Steve caught onto the fact that Bucky's mood wasn't about not talking to Steve, but something else entirely.
And there was one thing that Steve knew would affect Bucky.
"Is it Carter?" he asked, matching strides with Bucky as his friend put on a burst of speed.
That was the only confirmation Steve needed.
"Did something happen?" Steve said, talking a little louder so Bucky would hear him.
"Not with her," Bucky muttered. Did he want to tell Steve about what he had done?
Thinking about it, Bucky realized that yes, he did want Steve to know.
Steve wouldn't judge him.
Steve frowned, "Then why the hell are you acting so damn weird?"
Bucky came to an abrupt halt, causing Steve to continue running right past him.
Stopping and doubling back, Steve watched as Bucky took a gulping breath of air and leaned his hands against his knees.
"Buck?" Steve asked tentatively.
"I fucked up," Bucky said, hands shaking, "I fucked up really badly."
"What happened?" Steve asked, on alert, but trying to be calm, "We can fix it, whatever it is."
Bucky shook his head and looked up, locking eyes with Steve.
The fear and guilt and anger layered in his gaze made Steve pause.
"Bucky, you can tell me," Steve said gently, resting his hand on his friend's shoulder, "I can help."
"I'm afraid...I did something. I don't want to be the way I was," Bucky shuddered, remembering what it was like to be under someone else's control.
Steve frowned, a worry line forming in between his eyebrows, "Just the fact that you don't want to be the old Winter Soldier means you won't be."
Bucky sucked in a breath, "I... Carter's ex? I punched him."
Bucky was expecting Steve to chastise him.
But instead, Steve burst out into laughter.
Bucky frowned, "You're really going to laugh? Asshole."
"Sorry," Steve wheezed, "It's just...the way you're going on, I thought you killed someone."
The corner of Bucky's lip twitched up, "Nothing that bad."
"So why do you feel so bad?" Steve asked, stretching his arms, "If you punched him, he must've done something wrong."
"He's an ass," Bucky grumbled, remembering the purple bruises on Carter's arms, "And he did deserve it. Just not to the extent of what I did."
Now Steve just looked confused, "How hard did you punch him?"
Bucky winced, "Broke his cheekbone and probably his nose. Split open his lip."
"You hit him with the left hand," Steve groaned, dropping his head to his hands.
"And I liked it," Bucky whispered, hanging his head.
"Buck..." Steve was hesitant. He had no idea what to say.
Bucky barrelled on, "It was like I was out of control, but not. I know it was wrong, but I had to do something. So I punched him and I felt his bone crack and I liked it. I don't want to be him again."
Bucky's voice wavered and he could feel his chest tightening.
Steve's face fell, "Buck...you won't be that again. It can't...not when you feel so guilty."
Bucky shook his head, "What if they're still in my head?"
"They're not," Steve said firmly, "You're you again. HYDRA is gone and they can't get to you."
Bucky sighed, "Even if that's true, I can't be with Carter. Not with this hanging over my head."
Steve grinned to himself; there it was. Carter. The whole reason Bucky had even attacked Tim in the first place.
"Tell her," Steve said simply.
Bucky head shot up, "What?"
Steve smirked, "Tell her. There's two ways that this goes. She finds out from Tim or she finds out from you."
"Either way she hates me," Bucky pointed out.
"Won't know until you tell her," Steve grinned, "Race you back home?"
Steve was a block and a half away when Bucky shook his head and ran after Steve, a smile threatening to overtake his face.
Bucky only hesitated for a minute before he pushed down on the buzzer to Carter's apartment.
"Yep?" Carter's voice came through the speaker, crackly and distant, as if she'd been shouting across the room.
"Can I come up?" Bucky said, stumbling over the words.
Even through the crackly speaker, Bucky could hear the smile in Carter's voice, "Sure can! I'm buzzing you in."
There was a faint buzz and Bucky pushed his way into Carter's apartment building.
She met him at her door, hair twisted up in a towel turban, "Hey! Wasn't expecting you so late."
Bucky nodded, "Sorry. I just...I wanted to tell you something."
Carter scrutinised Bucky for a minute, but then shrugged and stepped aside, "Come on in."
Bucky stepped through the front door and Bart lifted his head from the couch. With a happy bark, the dog jumped off the couch and raced over to Bucky, licking at his ankles until Bucky knelt down and scratched at his ears.
"Hey, Bart. You being a good boy?" Bucky laughed lightly as the dog licked his fingers and practically purred as he had his stomach rubbed.
Bucky sat on the floor with Bart while Carter curled her body up on the couch.
"So what's this something you wanted to tell me?" She asked, pulling the towel from her head and letting the scent of raspberries escape into the air.
Bucky couldn't help himself; he stared at Carter a bit.
Her hair was making a spot on her grey tank top turn a darker color and her cheeks were pink, probably from a too hot shower.
"Bucky? Are you okay?" Carter asked, leaning off of the couch and onto the floor.
How could he ruin this?
"I...uh, did something that I'm not proud of," he started, realising it was the truth. He would've hit Tim a hundred times over for Carter, but he wasn't proud of breaking his face.
"You put itching powder into Tony's suit?" she joked, picking up on and hoping to diffuse Bucky's solemn mood.
It didn't work to her desired effect.
He frowned even deeper, hands rubbing absently over Bart's side.
"Steve and I were talking a few days ago and he said you should hear this from me," Bucky sighed, barely able to look Carter in the eye.
Carter twisted a piece of damp hair in between her fingers, "It's not a request for a foursome, is it? Because I don't think I like Steve and Kit enough for that."
Her quip almost brought a smile to Bucky's face, "No, no foursome."
"Then what is it? Because you're kind of freaking me out, Barnes," Carter hugged a throw pillow to her chest, ankles crossed.
"Sorry, I don't mean to," Bucky sighed, "I...uh anyway, after you told me that you ended it with Tim...I..."
Carter gasped, "You're the one that punched him?"
Bucky winced, "So you heard."
"No, well not exactly," Carter shook her head, "One of our mutual friends mentioned that he had gotten hurt in a bar fight. But I didn't really believe that."
"Well, you were right not to believe that. I went to his place, threatened him and broke his cheekbone," Bucky couldn't look Carter in the eye.
"Why?" Carter asked, shifting her body slightly away from Bucky.
Bucky noticed her subtle move away and deflated, "I was so angry at the thought of him mistreating you. I didn't think. I just acted."
Carter chewed on the inside of her cheek, she wasn't sure what to make of this, "It...you...was it the Winter Soldier coming out?"
"I didn't want it to be," Bucky gave a sardonic smile, "But it's part of who I am."
Carter shook her head, "No, no it's not."
Bucky raised an eyebrow, "Huh?"
"It used to be a part of you, years ago," Carter said firmly, "I've seen the news reports, I know what you do now. I know how much you help. The Winter Soldier was you, but not anymore."
Bucky shook his head, he couldn't believe what she was saying.
"It doesn't matter. I'll never be completely fixed. There's always a part of me that thinks like him and I'll never be rid of that."
Carter scowled, "You're so stupid. Yes, you did something really bad, even though it was coming from a sweet place. But I've seen you with Liam and Mikey, and The Winter Soldier would never have been like that."
Bucky sighed, "But sometimes it slips out and I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Other than Tim, of course," Carter laughed, and upon Bucky's stricken look, she continued, "I'm kidding. Anyways, it's like my depression. I'm doing really well now, and I have my pills, but every so often I fall into that pit that I just can't get out of."
"Your depression won't kill anyone," Bucky grumbled testily.
"No, just me, if it gets bad enough," Carter said lightly.
Bucky's head shot up, and he stared at Carter. She wore an impassive mask, her face gave nothing away.
"Don't talk like that," Bucky said.
"I'm just trying to get you to see that you're being stupid," she threw her hands up in the air, "You've changed. And so what you punched my ex? He deserved it."
Bucky shook his head, "Not what I did. He didn't. And I shouldn't have enjoyed hitting him."
Carter huffed a sigh and crawled the few feet across the floor to come to a stop in front of Bucky, "The fact that you feel so bad about it and came to tell me means you've changed."
Bucky cracked a small smile, "That's what Steve said."
"Looks like I'm in good company," Carter sighed, "Are you alright now?"
Bucky shrugged, "As good as I'll ever be, I guess."
Carter regarded Bucky warily and then she sat up straight, as if a thought had just come to her, "You'd better not be using this as an excuse to get out of asking me out one day!"
Bucky startled at her sudden outburst, "What? No! If anything, I wanted to give you a chance to back out."
Carter stared, dumbfounded, "Back out? First of all, we haven't stepped in. Second of all, you defended my honor, I think it's cute."
Bucky wrinkled his nose.
Cute?
"Besides, you're not as bad as you think," Carter murmured.
"So, is this permission to ask you out?" Bucky wondered.
Carter laughed, "Not yet, pal. But I'll be sure to tell you when."
Bucky nodded and stood up, "Thanks Carter. I, uh, really needed this."
Carter accepted his hand and let him pull her to her feet, "My pleasure. You know, we're all working on it. No one's perfect."
Bucky nodded, her words tumbling around in his head.
"I'll talk to you soon," he said, but his self-doubt caused the phrase to come out as a question.
"Yeah," Carter grinned, "We'll talk soon."
Bucky was halfway out the door when he turned back, "You don't hate me?"
"I don't think I could ever hate you," Carter smiled and leaned forward to kiss Bucky's cheek softly, "Mild annoyance when you have totally unfounded crises of self, yes. Hate? No."
Bucky smiled, cheek tingling, "Good to know."
Bucky left after Bart gave him one last lick on the ankles.
Walking back to the Tower, he felt lighter than he had in days. Lighter and more determined to be the man that Carter deserved.
With her help, he could get there one day.
A/N: Okay, I couldn't help it. So many of you were concerned about the consequences of Bucky's actions in "The Family You Choose" and I just had to write this. (Not that you guys mind, I'm sure ;D )
Anyway, this is pretty much a direct sequel/continuation to that story. Bucky has a minor crisis of self, and where does he go? To his future girlfriend and the love-of-his-life's apartment.
It was a lot easier for me to write Steve and Bucky this go, and I'm super proud of what I turned out. So I hope you'll like it and please drop me a review!
Additionally, minor housekeeping here. I have a poll on my profile that has a couple of options for Baby Girl Roger's name. I'd love it if you voted, or dropped me a couple of suggestions in a review. I have Kid Stark and Kid Barton's names picked out (no spoilers here), but man, this girl is giving me issues on her name.
And, as always, my inbox is always open to prompts =)