A/N: I'm aware that most every Castle fic writer has done their own version of "Always" in some way or another. This has been rolling around in my head since the first time I heard this song though and I figured that to officially call myself a 'Castle' fic writer that I needed to write one for the best episode of the series. This is my take on the fight scene in 'Always' and what I would have liked to happen right after. The song 'Dust to Dust' is by The Civil Wars and is hauntingly beautiful and in my opinion sounds as if it's something that Castle would sing to Beckett if perhaps 'Castle' were a musical or something. :) I strongly recommend listening to it, I don't think you'll be disappointed. Please let me know what you think! All mistakes are my own.
Disclaimer: You will recognize some of the dialogue in this from the episode 'Always'. I do not own those words or anything affiliated with Castle, this is just my take on my favorite episode.
Dust to Dust
"It's not your eyes,
It's not what you say,
It's not your laughter
That gives you away.
You're just lonely,
You've been lonely, for too long."
He's watched her for almost four years now, observing and learning everything he can about her. In spite of her best efforts the hide it, he's seen the loneliness that lives inside her. It's rooted there, deep inside her soul and everything about her gives it away. Some may not see it, the carefully constructed walls she uses to hide behind, but he does, he's seen through her walls from the beginning.
They're fighting now and he's begging her to stop, to take a step back and refrain from running head first at her mother's case. They've almost killed her once, a large storm of an enemy that's far bigger than either of them ever imagined. He's begging. She's angry, it's her life and she won't be told what to do with it. He knows she lied to him, but none of it matters right now, all that matters is her, her life. He's begging, but she's not listening.
"Oh you're acting your thin disguise,
All your perfectly delivered lines.
They don't fool me,
You've been lonely for too long."
She's determined to go after this fight, brushing off each of his attempts and he's desperate to stop her. He's beyond begging now, struggling to find the words that will change her mind. She's hard headed, he's known that from the beginning, but somewhere deep down she cares, and he wants it to be enough.
"Let me in the walls, you've built around,
We can light a match and burn it down.
Let me hold your hand and dance,
'round and 'round the flames in front of us,
Dust to dust."
He has to tell her now, the reason he wants her to stop and the secret he's been keeping from her. She's even angrier than he imagined when he's finished and she turns her back on him. He wants to scream that it's not fair, that she's lied to him as well, that they are both at fault. Hurting each other is something they have both accomplished and does he really expect a relationship to work with her?
She wants to know why, why and how he was able to keep this from her, to go behind her back. He answers with the only reason he has, "Because I love you" and that's not enough, he has to add the rest as well, "But you already know that don't you, you've known for about a year now". Her eyes widen in surprise, but just as quickly the anger takes over again and she spits her words back at him. "Are you kidding me, you're actually bringing this up right now, after you told me that you just betrayed me?" He pleads with her to listen, but she seethes with anger, taking a step back from him. "Why should I listen to you, how am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?"
He's had enough now and his final piece of control snaps, tears threatening to spill over as the words flood out. "How? Because of everything that we've been through together." He can tell that she's shocked by the sudden intensity of his words, and it only encourages him to continue. "Four years I've been right here, four years just waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I'm right here. And I'm more than a partner. Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just so I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met and I love you, Kate. If that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this."
He isn't sure which of his words does it but she starts to waver, tears filling her eyes as well and he takes a step towards her, expecting her to retreat. She doesn't.
"You've held your head up, you've fought the fight.
You bear the scars; you've done your time.
Listen to me, you've been lonely, for too long."
She lets him come to her, the fight visibly deflating from her body. He's reaching for at the same time that she's falling into him and he holds her up as she crumbles. His arms are strong wrapped around her and for the first time she starts to let his love seep through her and encompass every part of her being. He whispers into her hair as she trembles in his arms, giving her his love, over and over. "You don't have to fight this alone, Kate, you don't have to be the strong one all of the time, I'm right here, you can lean on me."
She pushes back from him, catching the slight disappointment and the fall of his face. She's put this off for too long, left him in the dark for too long, he deserves more from her, so she sets her words free. "You were right, Castle. I lied to you because I was scared, but it was never because I didn't feel the same way. I love you too, and I have for a long time now."
In the moments after, all of their truths bared, they stand in the rubble of their walls, letting the pain wash away with the tears as the fire burns the final remnants to ashes.
"Let me in the walls, you've built around,
We can light a match and burn them down.
Let me hold your hand and dance
'round and round the flames in front of us,
Dust to dust."
She's spinning with emotions, finally letting her love for him win as she takes his hand and leads him to her bedroom. They leave the ashes at the door, letting only love follow them into the room.
She's used to being in control, always taking the lead in every aspect of her life, but for once she relinquishes her control to him. He's quiet and cautious as he reaches for the hem of her shirt and slowly slides it over her head. She's plaint and willing as he lays her carefully on the bed and then slides on as well, hovering above her.
Finally, after four years of waiting and one undercover kiss that left them both wanting more, their lips meet and the world disappears around them. She loses herself in the feel of him, his lips pressed to hers, his hot breath coasting into her mouth, his warm, hard body pressing her into the bed.
Of all the times she imagined their first time together, she never imagined it would be slow and reverent, the mapping and worshipping of each other's bodies, the need to feel every part of him, every inch of his skin pressed to hers greater than anything else. It feels like slow motion as he removes first her clothing and then his own, his eyes taking in each new expanse of skin as it's revealed.
He takes his time pressing his lips to each and every part of her, finally ending at her mouth and she surges forward, desperate for him and she holds him to her for several moments, sighing when the need for air pulls them apart. She looks into his eyes, studying him and she still sees a hint of lingering doubt, from loving her so long and receiving nothing in return.
He's been reading her from the beginning, observing and analyzing and working his way through her walls. But she's been watching him too, learning and listening as the years have passed. She's not the only one who's lonely; he's not as good at hiding it as he thinks. She's seen the yearning in his eyes, the longing to have that lonely void filled. He's been waiting for the right person to fill it and so has she, but they don't have to look anymore, they don't have to be lonely anymore.
"You're like a mirror, reflecting me.
Takes one to know one, so take it from me,
You've been lonely; you've been lonely too long.
We've been lonely; we've been lonely too long."
It's without a doubt the most beautiful love making she's ever experienced in her life. She loves him and he loves her and yet it's so much more than that. He fills her in every way possible, finally voiding out that loneliness. When he finally joins them she sobs, the emotion of it too much to bear and everything she's wanted for so long. She never wants it end and even as it does and they enter the blissful, sated happiness of it together, she holds onto the moment for as long as she can.
They fought the fight, they journeyed through the battle, they learned the lessons and they embraced the love. It all served one purpose, bringing them together and although at times it was hard, it was worth every second to get to where they are now. Together in her bedroom in the quiet stillness of the night, they unite their hearts, as the ashes of their walls lay scattered on the ground, mixing together, binding them in every way possible, even dust to dust.
The End. Would love to hear your thoughts.