A/N: Happy Birth-day Dally! This one-shot is in honor of Dally. Hope you enjoy!

Warning: Cussing

"Hey Dally, remember your birthday last year?" Two-Bit asked.

"The one where you got me a tutu?" Dally said flatly.

"No, the one where we went to the petting zoo!" Soda chimed in.

"Way to bring up bad memories…" Dally mumbled.

Flashback

"Hey look at these tickets to the petting zoo!" Two-Bit said, waving four tickets in Steve and Soda's face.

"Why would you be excited about that?" Steve said grumpily.

"Because maybe donkeys will be there!" Soda exclaimed.

"Eh, still sounds boring," Steve said.

"Steve," Two-bit said in a serious tone, "when you get the chance to mess with the ass, YOU MESS WITH THE ASS!"

That's the moment when Dally decided to walk in. "What?" he looked confused.

"You'll understand soon. To the Two-Bit-Mobile!"

"Yeah, that's still never gonna' catch on," Steve said.

"Shut up Steve!"

XXX

"Here we are!" Two-Bit said.

"Remind me again why we're at the petting zoo?" asked Steve.

"We're establishing our relationship."

"No, I mean here particularly."

"Uh, messing with asses."

"YES!" Dally cheered.

"By that I mean donkeys."

"Thanks for ruining it." muttered Steve.

"Hey, think we'll gonna' be friends forever?" Two-bit asked.

"You're not even listening to me, are you?" Steve asked, irritated.

"Forever?"

"That's what I thought," said Steve.

"Forever? ...Forever? ...Forever?"

The rest of the gang looked annoyed.

"F-o-r-e-v-e-r?" Two-Bit said in slow motion.

"Ya done?" Dally said flatly.

Two-Bit paused. "Forever?"

XXX

"Look, Soda, asses!" Two-Bit said and pointed to the donkey's.

Soda grinned, "YEE HAW!"

"Those aren't asses," Dally said and looked over at a crowd of girls. "Those are asses."

"Hurry, come on!" Two-Bit dragged Dally over to the entrance to the asses before he got a chance to go over to the girls.

"Two-bit, why are we even here?" Dally said, annoyed.

"We're establishing-"

"Don't give us that crap again!" Steve yelled.

"Fine. It's for Dally's birthday!" Two-Bit said excitedly.

"Why in the world would you think I would wanna' go to a petting zoo? What's next, the butterfly house?" Dally said the last part sarcastically.

Soda and Two-Bit exchanged glances. "We'll save that for next year," Soda whispered quietly to Two-Bit.

"What was that?" Dally said, glaring at them.

"Nothing…" the two said in unison.

"Whatever," Dally frowned. "I have to pee."

"But-" Two-Bit called, as Dally stormed away.

"Oh! Look at that one!" said Soda, pointing at an old, grumpy donkey.

Two-Bit grinned and added, "he looks like Dally!"

The donkey scowled, trotting towards them.

"He's coming over here!" Soda squealed, excitedly.

The donkey sniffed Steve's pant leg, gently nuzzling his thigh.

"He likes you, Steve," said Two-Bit.

Suddenly, the donkey opened his mouth wide-

-and closed firmly onto Steve's… uh, babymaker?

"Shit! Goddammit!" Steve replied, fiercely. "He's an ass!"

"Of course, he is," said Two-Bit, snidely. "Couldn't you tell?"

"I swear to God, Two-Bit," Steve glared at his smart-ass friend.

"I'm hungry!" declared Soda.

"Let's get outta here," said Steve.

"I saw some vending machines over there," Two-Bit pointed in one direction.

Sodapop, and Steve, and he walked in that general direction until Two-Bit finally confessed that they were going the wrong way.

"You mean, we were walking towards the middle of nowhere for fifteen minutes?!" Steve tried to bite his tongue to keep himself from shouting.

"I wonder where Dally went?" Soda thought aloud.

"Hey, there are the vending machines!" said Two-Bit, pointing at the large, rectangular objects filled with colorful snacks.

"I want-" Soda frowned, as he tried to pick.

"It won't take my money," whined Two-Bit, jabbing the money slot with his cash.

"They don't have taquitos!" Soda complained.

"What kind of vending machine has taquitos?!"

"That's it!" Two-Bit said, suddenly.

Without any warning, he kicked the vending machine hard. Soda and Steve joined in, kicking the machine until Soda started complaining that his toes hurt, Two-Bit got distracted by a passing bird, and the machine came crashing down on Steve's foot.

"Isn't that the ass?" asked Soda, pointing to a runaway donkey.

"It is!" cried Two-Bit.

"He's come for Steve," Soda claimed, grabbing Steve by the arm and yanking him toward the animal.

"Get your hands off of me!" Steve said, struggling to free himself from Soda's grasp.

"Steve!" called Two-Bit, as Steve stomped toward the exit.

"Two-Bit…" said Soda.

Two-Bit followed his gaze. "Oh, crap."

"Steve wait for us!" cried Soda, racing toward him.

"Soda, he looks pretty mad!" Two-Bit shouted, following Soda in a panic.

XXX

"Do you have skittles in your pants? 'Cause I wanna taste the rainbow," Dally said, leaning against the wall with a devilish smile on his face.

Fortunately for him, he caught up to the girls from before. Imagine if he actually stayed with his friends… Dally tried to shake the thought from his mind. Petting zoos were for wusses.

"Steve!" a voice cried from the entrance.

Funny, it sounded just like Two-Bit's…

"Hey, Dally," a hand clasped Dally's shoulder.

He looked at the figure it was attached to.

"Steve. What the hell is going on in there-?"

Suddenly, Soda and Two-Bit -or rather, Dumb and Dumber- darted from the entrance, toppling over each other, obviously in a rush.

"Sorry, Mrs. Ass, ma'am," Soda was saying to an outraged donkey.

"It's a boy; look at his boobies!" Two-Bit whispered rather loudly.

"We need to have a talk," Soda grimaced.

"What did you idiots do?" asked Dally.

Steve answered, sharply, "trust me on this one. You don't wanna know. Soda, don't tell him. You shouldn't have told me, but you did. And now I'm tellin' you, you don't wanna know."

XXX

Dally cringed at the thought.

"There's no way I'm letting you plan for next year."

Two-Bit and Soda exchanged looks. Two-Bit winked at Soda, knowingly.

schmeschma: Hey, it's schmeschma. You may notice a slow transition in writing styles halfway through this story; yeah, that's where puppylover27 let me take over {which was a terrible mistake, but it turned out somewhat decent, didn't it?}. If you don't notice a transition, fantastic. I take that as a compliment {puppylover27 is an awesome author, so to be considered an equal to someone like her is extraordinarily great}. I have a few citations I need to include:

"'It's a boy; look at his boobies,' is a quote from Monsters Vs Aliens. As is, 'We need to have a talk.'"

"'Trust me on this one-' to '-And now I'm telling you, you don't wanna know,' is from Atlantis: the Lost Empire. I changed the name from 'Audrey' to 'Soda'; it's the same quote, though."

puppylover27: Aw thanks lcano_Odles! I would be complimented too. And yes, it's lcano_Odles. The whole section that has "Remind me again why we're at a petting zoo?" is a quote from an abridgement series called Codement by purpleeyeswtf. It was slightly changed to fit this, but basically the same thing.

Please review! We just want to know if you liked it or not!