This all new parody brought to you by all natural Vanilla Almond Granola from Wild Oats. And Ash's hamsters (the little rodents that live in her head and occasionally escape via her voice box). And Jess's 5 and a half hour stint in an enclosed bubble around the pool where she works as a lifeguard, inhaling way too much chlorine.
Sano: Can we get on with it already! We don't care how psychotic you both are, we all kinda got it the first few times.
Kenshin: (sweatdrops) Ano... Sano...
Ash: (does a hamster karate chop on Sano's chicken head. Pulls her hand away bloody from his block head. Looks at Jess.) Maybe you should handle roll call. I gotta run to the first aid room. (she skips off to the first aid room singing) I've never licked a spark plug, and I've never sniffed a stink bug, and I've never painted daises on a big red rubber ball, and I've never bathed in yogurt, and I don't look good in leggings (but does anyone?), and I've never been to Boston in the fall...
Jess: (holds head) Oi!
Kenshin: (sweatdrop) Oro?
Kaoru: Are you sure she's really one of the people in charge?
Yahiko: Yeah. That's kinda like putting ugly over here (points to Karou) in charge.
Kaoru: (gives Yahiko the "Glare of Death") I heard that gaki! (chases Yahiko with her bokken)
Ash: (comes skipping back, her hand bandaged with a sock) What's with them?
Jess: Your song inspired them...
Ash: (gives Kaoru and Yahiko odd looks and shrugs) Otay Panky! Here's the script. (hands over the script which smells of corn chips)
Jess: (holding script like a deadly snake) Where exactly have you been keeping this?
Ash: Well, my hands were busy with the bandages, so my feet held it.
Jess: (hands script back daintily) You read the names. I'll look over your shoulder.
Ash: (genkily) Hai! (goes suddenly serious) Everyone please gather around. We're between parodies right now. Constellation Wars is taking a minor break, so we have to do this quickly before it hits again. The parts will be played as follows . . .
Jess: Wait! Shouldn't we introduce the cast to our tech support?
Ash: (smacks self on forehead) Oh! Right! Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Keisuke. He's a crossover from Fushigi Yuugi/Constellation Wars/Flea of Oz . . .
Everyone: All right! We get it!
Ash: How rude! (calms down) Anyway. Keisuke will be handling all the technical stuff.
Everyone: (looks at Keisuke who is staring starry-eyed at Kenshin)
Kenshin: Oro?
Ash: Keisuke! Stop ogling the cast!
Keisuke: But he's my hero! I wanted his autograph.
Ash: And he's a boy.
Kenshin: Man, de gozaru.
Keisuke: I know! Autograph only!
Ash: Sorry Ken-san. You look so young, I forget...
Kenshin: (sweatdrop)
Jess: Oh get back to casting already.
Ash: Very well... (clears throat) Kenshin, you shall be our hero, Westly. The modest farm boy/other things we can't tell you cause that's at another plot point.
Kenshin: Hai, de gozaru.
Ash: Kaoru, you shall be the lovely Buttercup. Love interest to Westly, and Prince Humperdink, and a few other guys since you're the only really pretty and available girl in this production...
Yahiko: If you're looking for lovely, I wouldn't be casting Kaoru.
Jess: (grabs Yahiko and drags him off to the bad closet, not to be confused with the make out closet, to avoid another chase scene) Moving on.
Ash: Rooster Head, with Spiked Hair of Death... (gives him indignant look as she holds her wounded hand to her chest) you'll be playing Inigo. The Spaniard sword-fighter out to avenge his father's death.
Rooster Head (I mean Sano): I don't got a father . . .
Ash: Oh, right. I forgot. You were hatched.
KENSHIN AND AOSHI AND A FEW OTHER CAST MEMBERS HOLD SANO BACK AS HE TRIES TO MAIM ASH
Jess: I wouldn't keep poking him dear...
Ash: (brandishing her bandaged hand) Who's poking whom! (looks at script) Fessik is... (snorts with laughter) Yahiko!
Yahiko: (from closet) I heard my name!
Keisuke: (under breath) This is just another example of bad casting...
Ash: (drily) Still bitter about Constellation Wars are we?
Keisuke: You're not the one who was nearly fondled multiple times by the Flaming Painted Wonder. Every time we had a costume change... (sobs)
Tomo: I heard my name!
Keisuke: (screams in horror and hides behind Kenshin)
TOMO WALKS OVER TO KENSHIN AND LOOKS HIM OVER APPRECIATIVELY. THEN SUFFERS SEVERE HEAD TRAUMA INFLICTED BY KAORU.
Kaoru: Don't even think of it, you freaky clown. He's my man.
ASH AND JESS GRIN AT EACH OTHER
Ash: Maybe we should make her head of security.
Jess: (nods)
Ash: Veccini will be played by Misao.
Saito: (drolly) Inconceivable...
Ash: (in true blonde form) No, that's her line. You're Humperdink. You don't get a catch phrase.
Saito: (rolls eyes and pats Ash on the head) Yes dear. It's so sad that they let you out.
Ash: (turns to Jess) Should I be insulted?
Jess: (with longsuffering) Only if you feel it necessary, dear.
Ash: No. My hand's throbbing. We'll just move on. Miracle Max will be played by Genzai-sensei. And his wife Valerie... (looks askance at Sano)... will be played by Megumi.
Sano: (gives her dark and sardonic look) What, twerp?
Ash: (indignant) I beg your pardon! I am NOT a twerp!
Sano: (bored) Are we done yet?
Ash: NO! (glares at papers and scans page) SAITO, YOU'RE PRINCE HUMPERDINK!
Everyone: NANI?!?!
Ash: (ignoring them all) Shishio, your the six fingered man. Give Sano hell!
Shishio: Please stop trying to drag me into it.
Ash: (death glares and mutters under breath) Look, mummy man, all it would take is me giving one little edge of your bandages a good solid tug and you'd be naked for all to see!
Shishio: (grins wickedly) If you wanted to see me naked, you should have just asked.
Ash: You'd like that, wouldn't you? (under breath) Hentai bandage boy . . .
Jess: (cringing in the corner and wishing she didn't have the mental image of Shishio unwrapped running around in her head) Gads you two make me sick!
Ash: (lip trembling, tears welling up in eyes) Hontou?
Jess: No, not really. Ya know I love you, twerp.
Sano: I rest my case.
Ash: (looks irritably at them all) I'm gonna go find my hanyou. You can figure out the rest of the cast on your own. (toddles off looking for her Inuyasha)
Jess: I think we've done enough damage for one day. Lets get in costume an start this road show.
EVERYONE LEAVES FOR THEIR TRAILERS AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT SAVE FOR THE SPOTLIGHT THAT IS CENTERED ON A CRUMPLED FORM THAT IS OUR FLAMING PAINTED WONDER BOY, TOMO. JESS WONDERS BACK IN AND SQUATS DOWN NEXT TO HIM, POKING HIM TO SEE IF HE IS STILL ALIVE OR IF THEY NEED TO CALL FOR A MORTICIAN.
Jess: S'cuse me, but your bleeding all over our set.
Tomo: (looks up with swirly eyes and sees at least six of Jess swimming about him) I've been hit by a Mack truck!
Jess: (sarcastically sweet) Now, now. You don't know about Mack trucks dear. And it's not nice to call Kaoru an oversized hauling vehicle.
TOMO CRUMPLES BACK INTO A BLOODY PUDDLE AND DIES, TO BE RESURRECTED LATER FOR USE IN ANY GIVEN FANFIC AS THE AUTHORESSES SEE FIT. A ZAMBONI DRIVEN BY KEISUKE DRIVES UP AND PUSHES TOMO'S BODY WHILE SQUEEGEEING THE BLOOD OFF THE SET.
Keisuke: (wiping tear from eyes) I'm so happy! I'm finally free!
Tamahome: (sitting behind him on the zamboni throws up arms triumphantly) NO MORE FLAMING PAINTED WONDER LICKING JAM OFF MY MIAKA RADAR!
(Note: Authoresses suggest you read Constellation Wars in order to get the full effect of this statement. Thank you.)