IN WHICH STUFF HAPPENED

A Garth Nix/Tamora Pierce Crossover by Lady Leah of Chaos

Disclaimer – I don't own any Tamora Pierce characters. I don't own any Garth Nix characters. I don't own Finding Nemo quotes. I don't own anything and I never will! wallows in self pity

A/n – I was on a severe sugar high when I wrote this. If it offends you, please don't take it personally! Blame it on my A.D.H.D… Oooh, shiny! twitchtwitch

Okies… to the ficcy!

Chapter One – In Which Jonathan and Sameth Host a Game Show

The curtains open, to reveal Sameth and Jonathan fighting over a microphone.

"I need the microphone!" Sam whined, "I need to put Charter magic into it so the Dead can't get me!" He whimpered and stepped on Jon's foot.

"Oww!" Jon cried, "I need the microphone to profess my love to my squire!"

A large purple block dropped upon Jon's head from the rafters above the stage. "I am NOT your squire anymore!" came Alanna's voice, "And you're MARRIED, dammit!"

"Actually, he's not," came the disembodied voice of the author. Everyone cowered in fear, because having Leah near you and not being able to see her is not very safe. In fact, Leah was talking on the intercom, so she wasn't there at all! "I screwed with the time frame so Jon and Sam could be the same age. So, while you are not his squire, you are still a PAGE!" Leah cackled as Alanna got short(er), parts of her hair fell off, and her clothes became a pages uniform. "And, Jon, you are still a squire; you aren't supposed to know she's a girl yet!"

Jon gasped. "Alanna's a girl!"

An invisible hand appeared and smacked Jon in the back of the head. "You proposed to her, and you didn't know she was a woman!"

Jon shrugged. "Gay marriage is legal in Tortall."

In the rafters, Thayet squeaked. "It is? Jonny, we're getting a divorce! I have to admit," she put an arm around the woman at her side, "I'm deeply in love with Kirrith!"

"Aunt Kirrith?" Lirael said, "What are you doing here?"

"Aunt Lirael?" Sam said, "What are you doing here?"

"Sister Lirael?" Sabriel said, "What are you–" She was cut off as she promptly fell off the rafters. "Ouch!"

"Muahahahahahahahaha!" Hedge laughed evilly.

"Ooh, look!" Owen exclaimed in a jolly manner, "A jolly Hedge! Isn't that jolly? Now I jolly can begin my jolly career in jolly Hedge clipping!"

"No!" Hedge screamed as Owen ran at him with a pair of gardening shears. "My shrub army, ATTACK!" Owen attacked with his shears, and very soon there were many dead bushes spelling out the word "JOLLY" over and over. Now Owen advanced on Hedge. "Nyeh!" Hedge screamed girlishly. Owen began to clip, and soon Hedge was dead. Sam ran over and hugged Owen.

"I LOVE YOU!" he screamed, and kissed Owen.

Owen pulled away. "DUDE, this is NOT jolly!"

"No, Sam!" Sabriel yelled, "Gay marriage isn't legal in the Old Kingdom!"

"I shall move to Tortall, then!" Sam declared, "I shall marry the true love of my life – Jonathan!"

"Oh, Sameth!" Mogget roared in a cat-like way, "I do believe you pledged your undying love to ME!"

"KITTY!" Daine, who had appeared out of nowhere, screamed. She ran up and grabbed Mogget. "I will call you Squishy, and you will be mine, and you will be my Squishy!" Mogget slashed her with a claw. "Ow! Bad Squishy!"

"Get off me, you stupid human!" Mogget growled, also in a cat-like way.

Daine screamed. "AAHHH! A TALKING CAT!"

Sabriel turned to Alanna. "Wasn't this supposed to be a game show?"

Alanna shrugged. "Yeah."

"Mommy!" a little boy screamed, "Aly bit the head off of one of my action figures!"

"It's not an 'action figure'!" Aly yelled, "It's a doll!" At this, Alan cried even harder.

"Mommy, Aly is insulting my maternity!" Alan wailed.

"I think you mean 'masculinity, sweetie," Aly said cruelly.

Alanna turned to the intercom. "Let me guess. You made me 14 years old, but you didn't poof away my children."

If the intercom could shrug, it would have. As it is, it couldn't. "Yeah, that pretty much sums it up."

Alanna looked mortified. "My. Children. Are. Older. Than. Me."

"Yeah… about that…"

"Never mind. I'm going to die now." Alanna stole Astarael from Sabriel's bandolier, and rang it like a crazed lunch lady. Everybody died.

We could end it here, but we didn't. Leah inserted 15 more quarters, and everyone got 5 extra lives.

THE END

A/n – REVIEW!