Author's Note: I had to take a small break from doing Together Again and try something a little different. I wanted to do a piece where Jude struggles with whether or not she did the right thing. Why the conflicting parts change around. It is from her POV too.

I hope you guys like it. Comments/Suggestions are always welcome. Flames leave at the door.

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Part One

Is it wrong of me to think that I just made the biggest mistake I could possibly make? Why does it have to hurt so damn much? It feels like a part of me was just ripped from my soul.

Is it wrong to have what I worked so hard for? I mean, I deserve it right? This is my calling, London's the answer. I wanted the rock star life. The fame, the music. It's always been about the music. My dream to become an artist. All I ever wanted was too have people listen to me.

But then why does it not feel like it? Why does it feel like something is missing…someone is missing? I know I can do this, I know I can get on that plane and have everything that I ever wanted, take that final step in my career.

And be happy.

Oh who am I kidding. I can't do this… Not without him. There comes a time in a girls life that she's gonna have to do the right thing. Right? Why can't I have everything. Why not? I mean, it's what I wanted in the first place.

What if it's too late though? What if I ruined any chance of there ever being an us because I was caught up in the moment. I was determined to do this all on my own. Spread my wings and fly. I wanted to show the world…by my self.

By my self.

Those words burning a hole in my heart. They're stuck on repeat.

It never fails that when you think you made the right choice, it could end up being the wrong one. But maybe it was the right thing to do and I'm just scared because it was all happening so fast.

Yes! That's it. I'm just scared. This is a big step. What a perfect time to start doubting myself.

EXCUSES!

I could write my own book on the many excuses I can come up with to avoid the truth, to avoid the warning sign that I, Jude Harrison, am a complete moron. I threw him away. I was selfish, in denial. I was blind. Confused and well…stupid.

This is going to leave a scar. A deep, thick, ugly scar.

Sitting in the airport, waiting for my flight to leave. Not many people even recognized me, which was nice. A moment of peace, even if my thoughts and my heart wasn't giving me that right now.

It was never suppose to be this complicated. I'm only 18. I shouldn't be tied down. I should be going out having fun, doing my music, living my dream. But just even thinking about doing it alone, it leaves an empty feeling in my gut. I feel regretful.

How can someone leave such an impact that you would do just about anything to fix it and make it right again? How can he be so good but yet no bad all at the same time?

Am I cursed? Will I always feel this way, that I can never stand on my own two feet without ever having to depend on him? Is this my punishment for loving him hen I wasn't suppose too? I get that there are consequences to every action you take. Some are easier to deal with while others take a lifetime to get over.

I try not to think about it. I try not to think about him because I know I'll want to go back. But if I don't do this, then I'll be giving up everything that I worked hard for. I don't know if there will ever be another opportunity like this again. Once in a life time deal.

Maybe one day I will fix the broken hearts I made…mine and his. Maybe it just was never meant to be and this was a lesson in life I had to take so I can be stronger, become a better person.

Lesson learned, this sucks.

I pulled the brim of my hat down further over my eyes, shielding them because I didn't want anyone to see my cry. The reality of it all finally catching up to me. I love Tommy Quincy but my career is more important…at least right now.

Yeah, Jude Harrison, the superstar…

Wait a minute, do you honestly think I was going to give up that easily? I know that I can do this on my own because if I didn't I wouldn't have gone this far. But there is one thing that I am sure of. There was no doubt 100% in my mind. Call me foolish, call me a stupid girl, I love Tommy and I'm not going to just throw it all away because of my pride.

Now if only he would see it that way. Staring at his number and picture on my phone…I wouldn't even know what to say, what could I do to fix this and make him see that I was wrong and I want him, that I want him with me when I go out on this adventure. Together with no thousands of miles between us.

Torn. Struggle. Argument. Hurt. All the things I feel inside. Yes. No. I should. I shouldn't. I love him. He loves me. I hurt him. He hurt me. He's good. He's bad. He's hot. He's cold. Risk it. Chance it. Go for it. Don't do it. Run. Stay. He's not worth it. He's everything. Peanut Butter. Jelly.

I lost track because the next thing I knew, I screamed. It's hard to argue with yourself knowing that whichever which way you look at it, it is a losing battle.

"Attention flight members of Flight 218 to London, your flight has been delayed until tomorrow. Stormy conditions are making it difficult for flights to go out tonight…"

I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing that my flight was on delay. I didn't even know it was raining because I've sat here in the same place for the last two hours arguing with myself trying to figure out what to do.

Should I stay or should I go?

But now, I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me, Here's your sign.

Sometimes it's for the best to just tell yourself to shut up and stop. I'm giving myself a headache. Whatever I decide, whatever the outcome is because I believe this will be the true test, I made the right decision to for once stop listening to what I want and get what I need. And if it ends badly, then I did it with my head held high.

Time flew by without even realizing what I was doing or where I was going. One minute I was standing in the middle of the airport lounge and the next I was on my way out the door. I jumped in the closest cab and told the driver to go.

Now here I was, standing outside in the pouring rain, which by the way was coming down like a water fall. Not even five minute after stepping out of the cab, I was soaked from head to toe.

There was no hesitation to my decisions or actions. I knocked on his door. I don't think he heard me so I banged on it, as hard as I could. I did this until an agonizing pain shot through the side of my hand.

"Please answer…" I begged calling out, but the air blowing around me carried my plea away. My voice got caught in my throat, the rain mixing with the salty drops of my tears. Maybe it was too late after all. Maybe I was fooling myself to think that there was still hope and we would be able to get through this. Maybe I really was meant to do this alone.

No!

I didn't just do this, I didn't just run out and come all this way to find out that I can't fix this and make it right. I have too try, don't I? Don't I deserve everything?

...

Am I out to torture you? Of course, it's my job as a writer to make you want more so you will come back. I didn't get the chance to finish the whole thing so I cut it in half and the last part will come tomorrow some time.