I thank Kaori for inspiring me to write this fanfic. The Shinobi Guides are the funniest things I think I have ever read that is Naruto-related. That and the Ninja Burger Chronicles. Lolz…
I got the idea for this during the Christmas shopping season when we went to Target and there was a long-ass line to the register. O.o I decided to rewrite it since I wasn't getting any hits on it…
Thanks to Kaori for being my beta!
WARNING! This takes place after the Soul Society Arc, so if you haven't finished it, proceed with caution. There are spoilers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Screw off. NOT IN THAT WAY! -- I don't own the layout of the mall, either, because that is the actual layout of the mall in our area; except the Gag Gifts and More. The only store it would replace would be the Lenscrafters…
The Soul Reaper's Guide to Christmas
By MattsyKun the Ninja
Alchemist
"Momo, do we really have to?"
"It's not going to kill you, Shiro-chan!"
"It's Hitsugaya-taichou, and I don't want to!"
"You don't have a choice. We have been given a mission."
"Screw the mission! I'm not going!"
A disgruntled white-haired taichou was clinging to the railing outside the entrance to the food court in the mall. Toshiro, as well as Momo and Byakuya, had been given a mission by the soutaichou himself to buy a gag gift for Aizen. Toshiro immediately said that he refused to participate in the mission, but ended up going due to a threat to be executed.
And that's where it all fell apart.
The soutaichou had, deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep (1) down, a part of him that was filled with mischief. Who would have thought the soutaichou… agh, nevermind. He's an old idiot, but we'll put that aside for now.
"Let's go!" Momo yelled. She had Toshiro by his legs and was attempting to drag him inside the mall. Toshiro clung desperately the the railing, determined not to put one foot inside that building. He had been to the mall once before with Kurosaki, and everyone squealed that "'Ichigo's little brother' was adorable".
Hence Toshiro hates malls.
Byakuya none too gently pried Toshiro's hands off of the railing, and Momo dragged him inside the glass doors to the mall. Toshiro then started to claw and pound at the floor, shouting obscenities and "LET GO OF ME, MOMO! NOOOOOO!"
"Stop, Shiro-chan! You're making a scene! If you weren't so stubborn, I wouldn't have to do this!" Momo snapped back. Toshiro tried to grab onto the door frame, but Byakuya stepped on his fingers, receiving a yelp.
"Byakuya! What the hell!" Toshiro shouted at the noble.
"Be quiet. People are staring." Byakuya stated emotionlessly. I swear he's an android Mayuri created.
The young captain stopped in his attempts to escape the large prison. There were indeed a few eyes staring at them, including what Toshiro thought was Gin. The taichou sighed and Momo allowed for him to stand up.
"Ugh… what do you think we should get?" Hitsu-Shiro (1) asked, folding his arms and pouting as they walked across the food court. To many others, he looked like the boyfriend being dragged on a dreaded shopping expedition by his girlfriend. And, hypothetically, he was. Momo reached into her tiny, tiny purse and pulled out a notebook. A full-sized, 5-subject notebook.
"How do you do that?" Byakuya asked (2). Momo opened the notebook and pulled out a map of the mall Yamamoto had given them.
"I think Hot Topic may have some stuff…"
Toshiro looked around the mall. Not far from where they were standing was a store called Gag Gifts and More. The 10th division taichou wandered away from Momo and Byakuya and went into the store.
The store resembled more of a Halloween surplus store. Different Barney plushies lined one wall, causing a shiver to go down Toshiro's back. He walked to a different part of the store, trying to avoid the plushies eyes, but they seemed to follow him. Toshiro wanted to get out of his gigai and attack the dolls with Hyorinmaru, because they were scaring him. Down another aisle were fake blood, gloop, and other Halloween-related things. Toshiro sensed an odd reiatsu behind him and the small hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He slowly turned around (the horror music on the speakers in the background didn't help) and yelped, falling on his rear end.
"Hello, dearie." And old fugly lady said. Duuude, she was fugly. She was Orochimaru white (3) with red eye shadow and a few yellow teeth. Eeew…that eye shadow didn't help make her look prettier. Hitsu-Shiro's eye twitched and he resisted the urge to vomit (albeit just barely).
"Buying a gag gift, dearie?" She said. Hitsu-Shiro nodded frantically. "Well, tell me about the person you're buying it for and I'll try to help you."
Toshiro gulped and started talking. You're a taichou, dammit! Don't be scared of some ugly old woman!
"Well, he used to be our friend, but he betrayed us and went to go join… an enemy gang."
"Ah, yes," The old woman said; somehow Toshiro knew that she really knew what had happened with the betrayal, "I have the perfect gag gift for him." The old lady went into the back. Toshiro shuffled his feet and stared at the floor (as to not be crept out by his surroundings) as the old lady brought back something covered by a cloth.
"Here it is. I shall show it to you." The old lady said. She pulled off the cover…
Byaku-un (4) and Momo looked up as a loud scream pierced the busy sounds of the mall. The mall went quiet for about two seconds and then became noisy again.
"Where's Shiro-chan?" Momo asked, looking around.
"Let's wait here; he'll return."
Toshiro fell back onto the ground, staring at the thing in the cage. Its eyes were closed. The old lady covered the cage back up.
"H-How much is it?" Hitsu-Shiro squeaked. The old lady gave another creepy knowing smile.
"It's free, dearie." She said. Toshiro took the cage with shaking hands and ran out of the store. He ran back to Byakuya and Momo, feeling like it had been a few weeks, nay, an eternity, since he had seen them.
"Shiro-chan, where were you?" Momo scolded the taichou. Hitsu-Shiro made a face at Momo instead of correcting her and put down the cage.
"Well… I got Aizen's gift."
"Well, let's see it." Byakuya said, annoyed that Toshiro had made them wait and even more annoyed he had been assigned to go here in the first place. While Toshiro had been gone, Byakuya had gone to Auntie Anne's and bought a pretzel. Toshiro slightly lifted the cloth from the cage.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Momo screamed. Byakuya started choking on the pretzel.
"COUGH GAG CHOKE!" Byakuya exclaimed (no, he's not so emotionless he says choke instead of actually choking). Bystanders thought that the noble-looking man was being choked by the silk scarf he was wearing.
"oh, my god, it's horrible!" Exclaimed Momo. Toshiro swiftly covered it back up before the Soul Society would be contacted.
"I… almost died…" Byakuya gasped. Suddenly it spoke.
"Me huuuungry…"
All three screamed and fell on their asses in shock. I would too, if that was the case.
"Loud noise… me scared…"
Momo screamed a high-pitched 18th Century Girl in a Horror Film Scream. Even higher than the episode where she thought she saw Aizen dead. I had to turn down my TV all the way and I could STILL hear her. Ow. I think I went deaf.
Well, let's check on the victim, shall we? Hmm… Where is Taco Aizen… (the Las Noches version of Taco Bell) (5) There it is!
Aizen shot up straight. He had been eating his Noches BellGrande (6) when all of a sudden he felt evil vibes coming from somewhere. He looked around warily, trying to determine where the evilness was coming from.
"Sosuke-hama, are y' 'kay?" Gin asked from his burrito. Aizen blinked as he felt a chill go down his spine.
"Something horrible is coming."
"C'mon! It's almost Christmas! Wh' would dare do somethin' bad aroun' th' holidays? Cheer up, will ya'?" Gin said cheerfully, taking a sip of his Suicide Drink (7).
Anywho… let's go back to Hitsu-Shiro and the group.
"What the hell do you feed it?" Byakuya said, Momo in his arms. It had seemed like the… thing had made the normally stoic taichou lose all composure. Momo had fainted upon seeing it. Toshiro held the cage as far away as humanly… um… gigai…ly.. possible.
"I think it came with instructions, but I don't wanna find out."
Ichigo was walking outside with Urahara and Yoruichi to the food court (which was right across from Hot Topic and the store) when they felt an evil reiatsu coming from the direction of our short white haired captain. They walked over to them to see Toshiro flinching and carrying a covered box and Byakuya carrying Momo.
"Hey, Hitsugaya, what's in the box?" Yoruichi asked, poking the box. It spoke.
"Me huuuuungry…"
Yoruichi screamed and promptly turned into her cat form. Then she fwoofed up, like cats do when they're scared. Urahara glomped the cat-Yoruichi as his hat exploded and went flying, smacking a random bystander in the face. Ichigo glomped Urahara and all three spazzed together.
"It's a gag gift for Aizen." Toshiro explained to the spazzy trio. Yoruichi hissed at the box from her safe spot in Urahara's arms.
Ichigo spazzed. "EVIL!" Ichigo shouted dramatically, striking a pose and pointing at the… thing. Suddenly it spoke.
"Me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry… me huuuuungry…"
"Oh my god!" Urahara screamed. It kept chanting over and over all the way to a café.
"I can't take it anymore!" Yoruichi said who had transformed back and grabbed a bunch of straws.
"We'll draw straws to see who has to get the instructions from the cage to shut that damn thing up!" Yoruichi said. They all drew… the straws of fate. No taichou or fukutaichou had been put through so much stress and torture before. The tension was even worse than when someone goes to fight Kenpachi. Everyone looked at their straws. The person who had drawn the shortest straw was…
Haha, cliffhanger! BEWARE!
(1) Since it's hard to tell whether we're talking about Toshiro or Juushiro over the phone, I call Toshiro Hitsu-Shiro and Juushiro Uki-Shiro.
(2) Every woman knows that a purse is really another name for a void.
(3) That's pretty white. Not as white as Kana from Inuyasha, though… she is white. If she walked into East St. Louis, she would be shot down instantly.
(4) Ever since I've watched the episode of Naruto abridged with Neji pronouncing the byakugan wrong, I've never been able to pronounce Byakuya correctly. I now pronounce it either by-yak-oo-yeah, or, by-yak-oo-un, because un means yeah. Thanks, Deidara, for your speech impediment!
Deidara: You're welcome, yeah.
(5) One of my Risembool Ranger friends showed me this picture. Go onto photo bucket and type in Taco Aizen. That picture is was my desktop background.
(6) One of the menu items for Taco Aizen. I'm planning to actually make a picture of their menu.
(7) Geez, typing like Gin speaks was hard. I believe in the Japanese anime he speaks with an Osaka dialect; that is, if he calls you Kohana-san, it will come out as Kohana-han. I think that's right… If you don't know what a suicide drink is, it's basically taking a cup and putting a little of each drink into the cup. If you do it right, it will be the most awesome drink you will have ever tasted. My friend Mandi did it when we went to New York on band tour.
Read and Review, mah homies!