I didn't own Pokemon before, and I don't now! The song lyrics in italics are from "If Only Tears Could Bring You Back" by Midnight Sons. As a matter of fact... That song ALSO belongs to Pokemon! Which I don't own! If you don't get it now, you probably never will.
How will I solve tomorrow without you here? Whose heart will guide me when all the answers disappear? Is it too late? Are you too far gone to stay? Best friends forever should never have to go away. Those words ran through my head. I kept my eyes solely on the top of my shoes as I trudged towards the house. My face was freezing and my arms were stiff, but I wasn't really paying attention. I had stayed in the forest longer than I intended to; the sun was already rising as I approached the front door. As soon as I started up the steps, I heard the most familiar voice I knew.
"Pika Pi!"
I turned to see Pikachu jumping straight for me, her front paws out in a greeting. I caught the yellow mouse in my arms and embraced her. "Hey, Pikachu..." What will I do?
"Ash!" another voice called from the spot Pikachu came from. "Where have you been?" Brock--with Misty in tow--ran up to Pikachu and me.
"We've been looking for you for an hour. Where were you?" Misty questioned, hands on hips.
"Just... Out," I lied.
"We were worried. You should tell us next time you wander off like that.
I simply nodded before entering the house with Pikachu, leaving my two friends behind me. You know I'm only half without you.
Pikachu climbed onto my left shoulder as I entered the living room, finding it completely empty. I heard the other two coming in behind me. "Where's Mom?" I droned.
"She went up to the lab," Misty replied. "She said something about helping with Breakfast."
I knew what she meant. She would go to help Professor Oak feed the Pokemon sometimes. She always put other people before herself. That's what I admired about my Mother. I smirked a little but didn't smile. I didn't smile much anymore. How will I make it through?
"Speaking of food, I guess we can eat now that you're here."
"Pika, Pikachu!" Pikachu squealed at Brock's proposal.
"I'm not that hungry, actually..." I mumbled. "You go ahead, Pikachu." Pikachu gave me a strange look, but jumped off of my shoulder and headed into the kitchen with Brock and Misty. I watched them for a minute before slinking up the stairs to my room. Once I was in my sanctuary and the door was shut, I let myself fall onto the dark blue sheets on my bed. I took in a deep breath and exhaled into my pillow.
I took him for granted. I never let him know what an amazing person I saw him as. Sometimes I didn't even let myself know that. I tried so hard not to let my personal feelings for him get in the way of dignity. Why did I put foolish pride ahead of the one person whom I could honestly call my best friend?
That's exactly what he was. My best friend. We used to argue constantly, but that was years ago. In fact, the last time I could remember being honestly angry with him was in the Pokemon League. That was when I was eleven. We had patched things up since then... So to speak. No apologetic words were ever said; they weren't needed. We had known each other for so long that we could read each other.
He was there when I was born. He was only nine months old so he couldn't remember it, but that was what made it so solid. We were friends long before we were rivals. It all had to do with Pokemon. Since my Mother was good friends with Professor Oak, and Gary was his Grandson, we both learned a lot about those creatures from him. We witnessed the births of new Pokemon trainers... And we wanted that. I wanted to be the person with the brand new Pokemon friend with the brand new Pokedex. And so did he. Eventually it consumed both of us, making us less diverse. We were after the same goal, and we were both competitive people. There was always a winner in the outcome, and we both wanted to be that one. That one person standing at the top. We were too ignorant to work together to achieve it for the both of us.
It took us years to realize that if we combined our talents, we could be greater than either one of us individually. It took us so long to let the competition die and accept each other as human beings again. We became close again. Like we were when we were younger. At that point we were adolescents, going through the hardest part of a child's life. As I went through so many emotional changes, I learned to depend on people, to trust them to be there for me... Including him. I remembered when he had his first date. He was nervous as anyone would be, but he dare not admit it. Instead he would hide his fear with laughter. I didn't want to see him so shook up like that, so I came out and told him that it was okay if he was nervous. After some reluctance, he finally started saying what he wanted to say. Scared as he was, when he came back at the end of the night he wouldn't shut up. I just listened to what he told me and hoped my first date would go as well.
I turned over on my back and stared into the ceiling. That was all over. He was gone and thinking about him wasn't going to bring him back. All it could do was sink me deeper into my slump. I had so much to regret, so much I never said to him. So much I should have said but never did. If only tears could bring you back to me...
I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't left that morning. What would have happened if he woke up and I was still there? Would he have been happy to see me there? Or would he have cowered like I did and deny everything? Would it have changed future events? Would he have been with me when it happened? Would he be okay if I had only stayed? Why did I let my pride get the best of me again? It would haunt me for the rest of my life. I closed my eyes and began to cry, the overwhelming feeling of regret coming over me again.
What was I left with? I still had Pikachu. I still had Misty. I still had Brock. I ran those names through my head, but felt nothing. Why couldn't I appreciate them anymore? I was empty without him in my life. That was the bottom line. I couldn't see how everyone else went on with their lives.
My thoughts were interrupted by a light knocking on the door. Although I wanted to be alone, I quickly dried my eyes with the back of my hand and called out to the person on the other side of the door. I sat up on my bed and watched Brock enter the room. He sat down next to me and looked at my face.
"Are you all right?" he asked softly.
I wanted to tell him I was fine. I wanted him to leave me alone to wallow. But something came over me and wouldn't let me lie. I looked down at my hands and mumbled the one simple word that started an entire conversation. "No."
"It's about Gary, isn't it?"
I closed my eyes and nodded, trying to fight back more tears at the sound of his name.
"We all miss him," he sighed, trying to console me. How could he say that? They couldn't have missed him that much if they could go on with their normal lifestyle, questioning when I didn't. "But he's gone now, Ash. Moping around like this isn't going to bring him back."
"You don't understand," I muttered with a hoarse tone, compliments of my night in the freezing Viridian Forest.
"What don't I understand?" I could tell from his voice that he was actually trying to get me to talk to him.
I crawled on my bed to sit up with me back against the wall with my knees up. "You don't want to hear it."
"How do you know I don't want to hear it? Come on, Ash. Talk to me. I hate seeing you like this."
What on earth was I doing? I was practically inviting him to press me further. I couldn't tell him. He'd hate me if I did. But... What did it matter? I already felt dead inside, and all because I was too proud to admit the truth. That was exactly what I was going with Brock. I wasn't going to be that person again. But I couldn't tell him. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if I told anyone...
"I slept with him."
What the hell is that cautious voice in your head for if it never even works?
I didn't look up. I didn't want to see his scorning face. I just sat and waited for him to say something. But he didn't. He just sat there. He was driving me insane.
"Well, go ahead. Say what you wanna say. Say I'm sick, call me a faggot, just say whatever the fuck you're thinking," by then I was in tears. "I don't care, Brock. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters to me is that I loved him. I..." I took in a deep, quavering breath, trying to hold my crying back enough so I could talk. "I love him. I love him and I never said anything to him... Now he's gone. I never told him--" I couldn't stop myself anymore and found myself with my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
I wasn't even saying most of that to him; I needed to say it no matter who was there. But the truth of the matter was that I had just told Brock the one thing that I swore I'd never speak of. Now he would hate me. All I could do was wait. Wait for him to laugh, scream at me, or just leave. I didn't know what he was actually going to do.
I heard the bed creaking. I assumed he was leaving, but he did the last thing I expected him to do. He held me. I was astonished. I thought for sure he wouldn't even want to touch me. I thought he wouldn't care that I was crying at all. But I had been forgetting the entire time that this man was my friend. He cared about me... He wouldn't hate me because of my sexuality. It didn't matter to him. I then did the last thing I expected to do. I leaned on him and cried into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. I didn't know exactly what he meant, but it helped me anyway.
I dug my fingers into his back, clinging to the one person giving me support. "I want him back."
__ __ __
I watched from the side of the bed as Ash left the room. I told him I'd follow right after I changed my wet shirt. I slipped the green vest off of my shoulders and lifted my orange T-shirt over my head, grabbing a black long-sleeved shirt from my bag in the corner of the room.
I had to admit that I was surprised with what Ash had told me, but he seemed to think I would condemn him for it. He made me promise not to tell Misty. I didn't blame him, either. She was a great person and everything, but she wouldn't accept something like that with Ash. I wouldn't expect him to do something like that, but from the way he was talking... I could tell that he really loved him. I knew there was nothing I could do to help him, but I was going to try anyway. He was like a brother to me.
As I pulled the clean shirt onto my torso, I glanced towards the floor and saw an open notebook by the bed. There was something written in Ash's handwriting. I knew I should have left it alone, but I picked it up and read the quote written in scratchy pencil.
"If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give if you
Return to me
Someday, somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back
To me."
How will I solve tomorrow without you here? Whose heart will guide me when all the answers disappear? Is it too late? Are you too far gone to stay? Best friends forever should never have to go away. Those words ran through my head. I kept my eyes solely on the top of my shoes as I trudged towards the house. My face was freezing and my arms were stiff, but I wasn't really paying attention. I had stayed in the forest longer than I intended to; the sun was already rising as I approached the front door. As soon as I started up the steps, I heard the most familiar voice I knew.
"Pika Pi!"
I turned to see Pikachu jumping straight for me, her front paws out in a greeting. I caught the yellow mouse in my arms and embraced her. "Hey, Pikachu..." What will I do?
"Ash!" another voice called from the spot Pikachu came from. "Where have you been?" Brock--with Misty in tow--ran up to Pikachu and me.
"We've been looking for you for an hour. Where were you?" Misty questioned, hands on hips.
"Just... Out," I lied.
"We were worried. You should tell us next time you wander off like that.
I simply nodded before entering the house with Pikachu, leaving my two friends behind me. You know I'm only half without you.
Pikachu climbed onto my left shoulder as I entered the living room, finding it completely empty. I heard the other two coming in behind me. "Where's Mom?" I droned.
"She went up to the lab," Misty replied. "She said something about helping with Breakfast."
I knew what she meant. She would go to help Professor Oak feed the Pokemon sometimes. She always put other people before herself. That's what I admired about my Mother. I smirked a little but didn't smile. I didn't smile much anymore. How will I make it through?
"Speaking of food, I guess we can eat now that you're here."
"Pika, Pikachu!" Pikachu squealed at Brock's proposal.
"I'm not that hungry, actually..." I mumbled. "You go ahead, Pikachu." Pikachu gave me a strange look, but jumped off of my shoulder and headed into the kitchen with Brock and Misty. I watched them for a minute before slinking up the stairs to my room. Once I was in my sanctuary and the door was shut, I let myself fall onto the dark blue sheets on my bed. I took in a deep breath and exhaled into my pillow.
I took him for granted. I never let him know what an amazing person I saw him as. Sometimes I didn't even let myself know that. I tried so hard not to let my personal feelings for him get in the way of dignity. Why did I put foolish pride ahead of the one person whom I could honestly call my best friend?
That's exactly what he was. My best friend. We used to argue constantly, but that was years ago. In fact, the last time I could remember being honestly angry with him was in the Pokemon League. That was when I was eleven. We had patched things up since then... So to speak. No apologetic words were ever said; they weren't needed. We had known each other for so long that we could read each other.
He was there when I was born. He was only nine months old so he couldn't remember it, but that was what made it so solid. We were friends long before we were rivals. It all had to do with Pokemon. Since my Mother was good friends with Professor Oak, and Gary was his Grandson, we both learned a lot about those creatures from him. We witnessed the births of new Pokemon trainers... And we wanted that. I wanted to be the person with the brand new Pokemon friend with the brand new Pokedex. And so did he. Eventually it consumed both of us, making us less diverse. We were after the same goal, and we were both competitive people. There was always a winner in the outcome, and we both wanted to be that one. That one person standing at the top. We were too ignorant to work together to achieve it for the both of us.
It took us years to realize that if we combined our talents, we could be greater than either one of us individually. It took us so long to let the competition die and accept each other as human beings again. We became close again. Like we were when we were younger. At that point we were adolescents, going through the hardest part of a child's life. As I went through so many emotional changes, I learned to depend on people, to trust them to be there for me... Including him. I remembered when he had his first date. He was nervous as anyone would be, but he dare not admit it. Instead he would hide his fear with laughter. I didn't want to see him so shook up like that, so I came out and told him that it was okay if he was nervous. After some reluctance, he finally started saying what he wanted to say. Scared as he was, when he came back at the end of the night he wouldn't shut up. I just listened to what he told me and hoped my first date would go as well.
I turned over on my back and stared into the ceiling. That was all over. He was gone and thinking about him wasn't going to bring him back. All it could do was sink me deeper into my slump. I had so much to regret, so much I never said to him. So much I should have said but never did. If only tears could bring you back to me...
I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't left that morning. What would have happened if he woke up and I was still there? Would he have been happy to see me there? Or would he have cowered like I did and deny everything? Would it have changed future events? Would he have been with me when it happened? Would he be okay if I had only stayed? Why did I let my pride get the best of me again? It would haunt me for the rest of my life. I closed my eyes and began to cry, the overwhelming feeling of regret coming over me again.
What was I left with? I still had Pikachu. I still had Misty. I still had Brock. I ran those names through my head, but felt nothing. Why couldn't I appreciate them anymore? I was empty without him in my life. That was the bottom line. I couldn't see how everyone else went on with their lives.
My thoughts were interrupted by a light knocking on the door. Although I wanted to be alone, I quickly dried my eyes with the back of my hand and called out to the person on the other side of the door. I sat up on my bed and watched Brock enter the room. He sat down next to me and looked at my face.
"Are you all right?" he asked softly.
I wanted to tell him I was fine. I wanted him to leave me alone to wallow. But something came over me and wouldn't let me lie. I looked down at my hands and mumbled the one simple word that started an entire conversation. "No."
"It's about Gary, isn't it?"
I closed my eyes and nodded, trying to fight back more tears at the sound of his name.
"We all miss him," he sighed, trying to console me. How could he say that? They couldn't have missed him that much if they could go on with their normal lifestyle, questioning when I didn't. "But he's gone now, Ash. Moping around like this isn't going to bring him back."
"You don't understand," I muttered with a hoarse tone, compliments of my night in the freezing Viridian Forest.
"What don't I understand?" I could tell from his voice that he was actually trying to get me to talk to him.
I crawled on my bed to sit up with me back against the wall with my knees up. "You don't want to hear it."
"How do you know I don't want to hear it? Come on, Ash. Talk to me. I hate seeing you like this."
What on earth was I doing? I was practically inviting him to press me further. I couldn't tell him. He'd hate me if I did. But... What did it matter? I already felt dead inside, and all because I was too proud to admit the truth. That was exactly what I was going with Brock. I wasn't going to be that person again. But I couldn't tell him. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if I told anyone...
"I slept with him."
What the hell is that cautious voice in your head for if it never even works?
I didn't look up. I didn't want to see his scorning face. I just sat and waited for him to say something. But he didn't. He just sat there. He was driving me insane.
"Well, go ahead. Say what you wanna say. Say I'm sick, call me a faggot, just say whatever the fuck you're thinking," by then I was in tears. "I don't care, Brock. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters to me is that I loved him. I..." I took in a deep, quavering breath, trying to hold my crying back enough so I could talk. "I love him. I love him and I never said anything to him... Now he's gone. I never told him--" I couldn't stop myself anymore and found myself with my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
I wasn't even saying most of that to him; I needed to say it no matter who was there. But the truth of the matter was that I had just told Brock the one thing that I swore I'd never speak of. Now he would hate me. All I could do was wait. Wait for him to laugh, scream at me, or just leave. I didn't know what he was actually going to do.
I heard the bed creaking. I assumed he was leaving, but he did the last thing I expected him to do. He held me. I was astonished. I thought for sure he wouldn't even want to touch me. I thought he wouldn't care that I was crying at all. But I had been forgetting the entire time that this man was my friend. He cared about me... He wouldn't hate me because of my sexuality. It didn't matter to him. I then did the last thing I expected to do. I leaned on him and cried into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. I didn't know exactly what he meant, but it helped me anyway.
I dug my fingers into his back, clinging to the one person giving me support. "I want him back."
__ __ __
I watched from the side of the bed as Ash left the room. I told him I'd follow right after I changed my wet shirt. I slipped the green vest off of my shoulders and lifted my orange T-shirt over my head, grabbing a black long-sleeved shirt from my bag in the corner of the room.
I had to admit that I was surprised with what Ash had told me, but he seemed to think I would condemn him for it. He made me promise not to tell Misty. I didn't blame him, either. She was a great person and everything, but she wouldn't accept something like that with Ash. I wouldn't expect him to do something like that, but from the way he was talking... I could tell that he really loved him. I knew there was nothing I could do to help him, but I was going to try anyway. He was like a brother to me.
As I pulled the clean shirt onto my torso, I glanced towards the floor and saw an open notebook by the bed. There was something written in Ash's handwriting. I knew I should have left it alone, but I picked it up and read the quote written in scratchy pencil.
"If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give if you
Return to me
Someday, somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back
To me."