Name: Grazed Knees
Author: Expelliarmus42
Parings: Severus Snape/Lily Evans
Warnings: None.f
It was impossible to sleep with cold feet. Lily was aware of that. The freezing night had bruised her fingers and toes a light blue, and she had long since lost the feeling in them.
She didn't think that this was the reason for her sleepless nights however.
Mudblood. The word rang in her ears, pushing against the borders of her brain. She had no space for herself inside her mind, just a riot of voices that screamed betrayal and hurt. Her thoughts consumed entirely of the dark haired boy with the handsome myrtle eyes, the one that she had once called her best friend.
Snow drifted lazily outside the dormitory window, settling into a brilliant white blanket on the sill outside. Lily Evans sighed and returned her gaze to the canopy of her four poster, her emerald eyes restless. The moon grimaced through the dirty window pane, casting the features of the room in gloomy, pale light. She felt the cold inside more than on the surface of her skin. It had settled in an icy shard in her chest, stabbing at her heart every time it took a beat.
She drew the blankets over her head, a sigh escaping her lips as she arched her spine to curl herself up tightly. Her mind was lost, drifting somewhere in the blaze of snow outside, seemingly separate from her freezing body.
"Ugh." Lily sighed, kicking the tangle of blankets off her feet, swinging them off the bed to rest against the plush carpet. Her hands went to her temples, fingers rubbing the skin there in a hope to calm her rioting headache. I need out of here. Somewhere she could be alone and quiet.
All hope of sleep abandoned, she rummaged around her bedside drawer to find some clothes, plus her hat, scarf and gloves. The cold bit at her skin as she changed. She lifted her wand and her red and yellow Gryffindor scarf, before descending the steps as quietly as she could.
"Lumos," she breathed, the common room illuminated in strobe light as her wand flickered, becoming luminescent in the murky darkness that drenched Hogwarts castle. She wrapped the scarf around her throat, feeling warmed instantly by the familiar scratchy texture against her skin.
Ignoring the Fat Lady's warnings of capture and swift punishment, she clambered out of the portrait hole and into the chilly corridors. She couldn't have cared less about house points or her perfect, detention less school record at that moment. She'd lost her best friend to a group of You-Know-Who worshipping louts. Inside, her soul howled for the companion she would have to give up.
She stumbled on the way out of the portrait hole, smacking her knee of the edge. "Dammit," Lily mumbled, rubbing her stinging kneecaps with a wince as she righted herself again.
For a moment she stood immobile, a frown furrowing her forehead as the Fat Lady tisked disapprovingly. Where now? She didn't have anywhere to shuddered, clutching her arms as she padded down the cool stone steps, allowing her legs to switch to autopilot and take her where they willed.
The grounds were freezing. People said Hell was fire and burning, but she thought differently. Here she was in the tundra of the school grounds, alone, friendless, cold burying deeply into her bones, forming into a ball of dread in the pit of her stomach. It was something like what she imagined Hell to be, or at least second to it. The wind scorched her face and fingertips, frigid and stinging against her skin. She cursed whoever thought fingerless gloves would be a good idea.
The snow soaked her shoes and crunched crisply underfoot as she trudged through the endless, untouched blanket. She surrendered her body to the cold, sliding to a sit against the cool bark of a tree, listening to the empty winds and the eerie croons of the owls perched in the trees of the Forbidden forest.
"Can't you sleep?"
His voice was sheepish, uncertain, though she recognised its signature quiet tones immediately. She bristled as footsteps crushed the snow behind her, increasing in volume as Severus Snape neared the tree.
"My feet were cold," she said simply, the lie tasting wrong in her mouth. Severus stopped by her side, his pale, slender fingers resting against the rough surface of the tree. He dropped his gaze to her after a few minutes of silence, admiring the locks of red hair that protruded from under her hat, and how the damp air had caused them to curl at the tips.
"Maybe outside in a blizzard isn't the best place to be, then." His smile was affable, but the guilt in his eyes ruined it for her entirely. She turned her face away from him, refusing to be captivated by those eyes and concede to his apologies.
"Look… whatever you've come here to say. I've already told-"
He stepped in front of her, his expression chagrined. "Lily, wait a minute."
"No, Sev." She pushed herself to her feet, anger flashing in her eyes. "We've chosen our lives. Go live your own. Go and become a Death Eater and follow You-Know-Who." Her fingers slowly coiled into two fists at her sides as she added, "I don't care anymore." Her voice betrayed her, however. It broke with raw anger and betrayal by the time the last sentence passed her lips.
A muscle in his jaw jumped, and his voice was barely audible. "I can change."
"No, no you won't. You love it, hanging out with your little Death Eater wannabe group-"
"I don't care about them!" His voice was rising, enough to silence her for a few moments and give him the opportunity to finish. "They mean nothing to me. But who else am I supposed to hang around with if you won't speak to me anymore?"
She fumed silently, too angry to consider his question. Her palms slid behind her back, fingers arched against the bark as she raised her flaming emerald eyes to lock with his. The sting of the bark scratching against her skin only helped to ignite her anger into a blaze rather than a flame. The intensity of her gaze caused him to flinch and avert his gaze. Lily felt pleased. She wanted him to see the hurt, to see the betrayal that filled her eyes and caused them to glisten with angry tears. Her heart was open to him now, her feelings naked and visible in front of him.
"I wish I could take that back. What I said," he said quietly. His hand ruffled the back of his floppy hair, as he dared to look back at her again. She sank back down into a sitting position on the snow, as the horizon began to fade from navy to indigo, bright and brilliant against the silhouettes of the trees. She found herself not feeling angry any more. The bitter winds seemed to have snuffed out the usual feisty flames that hovered just under the surface of her skin.
"But you can't." Her voice was small and dismal. She folded her arms across her grazed knees, and hid both her heart and her feelings from him once more. The wall of outward strength and confidence rose up once more, but even Severus could see the cracks in the surface.
She looked up at him from under her lashes, and he groaned. His voice muffled as he held his face in his hands, rubbing at his skin. She rested her chin along her arms, the crisp air causing her fingers to feel stiff and brittle.
"Maybe I can fix things," he said, ducking his head so as his oil slick coloured bangs fell over his eyes. "If you would give me a chance." He leaned his back against the bark, and slowly slid down next to her, his hands resting on his lap. She turned her head to face him and her jade irises glimmered as the moonlight reflected off their surface.
"Why do you have your hair like that?"
"What?" the question seemed strange and out of place. Confusion crept onto his features as her cold fingers brushed at the hair that fell over his eyes.
"I think… you should cut your hair. It hides your eyes. When I look at them… I always see the best part in you." She felt him freeze under her feather light touch and she drew her hand back again, staring pointlessly ahead as the first light of dawn splintered in broken yellow streaks across the navy sky.
"You bring out the best in me," he said, his voice so quiet she had to think for a few moments before she could be sure of what he said. "Lily… I'm sorry…"
"Don't." She'd promised herself she wouldn't go back to this again. His persistent apologies vexed her. Him and her were over, their friendship lost in darkness. But why was something within her willing her to forgive him? She sighed and coiled her freezing fingertips into a fist, examining the scratch marks the bark had left behind. "It's not just about what you called me. It's about who you're choosing to be. You're destroying yourself."
She locked eyes with him, but again he averted his gaze quickly. His forlorn expression was enough to make her heart tear with the guilt that shouldn't have been there. "I've told you. I'll… I'll not do that anymore. If it means we can go back to the way we were," he said, his soft voice causing the icy weight in her stomach to melt a little. Maybe he means it.
Reluctantly, she followed her gut instinct. She tugged on his sleeve with numb fingers to grab his attention, while snow began to fleck her hair and cling to her eyelashes. "Promise me."
He didn't miss a beat. "I promise."
"Cross your heart?" A smile curled his lips at the edges, the phrase taking them back to their childhood days. The green pools of her irises glimmered with hidden hope.
"Cross my heart and hope to die," he said, tracing a finger along the left side of his chest to seal the pact. She couldn't contain her grin now. With a slight sigh she hugged his neck, placing a chaste kiss on his icy cheek.
Just as she did so, he turned his head. The kiss lingered longer than it should have, her lips grazing the edge of his own. She felt him jump under the touch of her palms, suddenly becoming aware of how his hands reached for her, resting on either side of her waist.
Days seemed to past at total standstill. The only part of the world that still seemed to move was the snow, lucid and beautiful as it scattered endlessly across the terrain. Her warm breath rose in misty ghost from her lips, her body seeming to have succumbed to the weather and frozen solid in his hold.
"Sev…" her voice sounded breathless, and she had no idea why her chest felt so tight. Without responding, Severus tilted his head to face her, and pressed his lips to hers.
He kissed her once, numbly, his free hand tilting her chin up with a gentle hold, his thumb resting lightly on the crook of her throat. Without knowing what she was doing, her arms knotted around his neck, now resting on her knees in the snow as she leaned into him. It soaked her skin, and though her whole body had felt numb with cold just seconds before, feeling rushed back to her in a glorious cascade.
She returned his kiss with several of her own, chilled and stiff fingers brushing against his cheeks, her soft tongue sliding past his teeth. Goosebumps rose on her skin, as his lips broke away from hers, now kissing the skin of her throat. His lips were freezing and clumsy with the cold, their touch burning her skin where the scarf had previously warmed it. Gently she let a shaky breath escape her lungs, the mist rising like a translucent, ghostly figure into the dawn air.
"Don't let me down." Her voice was a whisper, so low and quiet it sounded as if the wind was playing tricks on their ears. She held his face in her palms, her eyes unwavering from his.
"I won't." The sincerity in his voice soothed her qualms. Lily nodded and leaned her weary head on his shoulders as dawn finally broke over the canopy of the forest, casting the grounds in bronze sunlight.
"Sev?"
"Yes?"
She chuckled and placed a tender kiss on his lips, before squeezing his hand. "My fingers are freezing."
He smiled, the curve of his lips seeming genuine. He squeezed her fingers back, both soggy teenagers rising to their feet again. Wordlessly they moved back towards the castle, unsaid thoughts being caught in the flurry of the blizzard, shattering into a thousand icy snowflakes around them.