What do you do when everything you have ever loved is gone? When you are the only one left and all you can hear is the silence? When all the things you know and love are gone, and the only thing left is you and the thing you see in the mirror. When you look back, in hindsight, you think that it could possibly be your own fault. That maybe all the things you love are gone because you chased them away in one-way or another. You've always known deep down, that the good things in life never last. You just never thought he would be one of the things to leave you behind. Of course, really you left him first. He was gone for a whole year, trapped in purgatory, and you never, not even once tried to find him. So, can you really blame him for going? For not being able to pick the pieces up and fix things this time? You think that maybe finally you have broken things so badly that nothing can repair them. Obviously since he has gone you realize that even if you did find a way to fix things, it would be pretty difficult seeing as how he's just not there anymore.
You wake up in the morning just like usual, except not. Because there's a hole in your heart where Dean should have been. You glance around the crappy motel room that you rented for the night, and cringe at the sight of the empty bed next to yours. Just another reminder of something else you lost. You get up and brush your teeth and dress yourself. Then like always glance at your cell phone for a phone call that you know is never coming. But you want it to. You want just one thing in your universe to fix itself. Just one thing, that's all you need. When you glance at the phone its blank. Nothing. No text message or missed call.
You go through your day as normally as you can. You don't have the impala anymore, so you walk as far as you can. Finally you come across a bus station and hop onto the first bus that comes in. You don't care where it's going; you just want to get as far away from there as you can. Away from that last fight that tore your world in two. At nightfall you get off the bus. You're in a small town with practically nothing. There is one falling down inn and you go and procure a room for yourself there. Of course all they have is a double, when you want a single. You don't want to have to see that empty bed next to yours. Just a reminder of another screw up.
You realize sometime in the middle of the night that you are sick. Not just a cold sick either. You are coughing and coughing so hard that you can barely breathe. You realize also that you basically have no idea how to take care of yourself. Dean has always been there for you. The one constant in a world that is always changing. You lie in bed and struggle to breathe. You are lonely and it feels like there is a weight pressing down on your chest. Like maybe an anchor because you feel like your sinking, you just don't know into what. You pick up your phone to call him. Because you know that even though he is pissed at you and said some pretty terrible things that he would most likely come for you. You think.
You flip the phone open only to flip it back closed. In your mind you can hear the last conversation you had with him. You want to call him, badly, but you are slightly afraid. What if he really can't forgive you? What if he just tells you no? To suffer through alone. Your heart is telling you, never would he do that. He would come for you he always does. But your mind also reminds you of the things you said to him. Of all your past transgressions, and it cannot let them go. So you don't call. You lay there sweating and choking on your own saliva. When the need to vomit makes itself known you know you're in trouble because you can't get up.
You are starting to realize a lot of things. You think you know a lot of things. What you don't know is that back at the inn you had last stayed at with Dean, your big brother is frantically beating on the door. "Sammy!" he screams. What you don't know is that when he figures out that you are no longer there he panics. He calls for Castiel to come and help him locate you. He is coming for you even though you haven't called. Even though you can't forgive yourself he already has. You just don't know any of that yet. May never know it, if someone doesn't come and drag you up from whatever sink hole you have fallen in.
The next day your fever is worse. Probably a combination of wondering around outside in awful weather and stress. So, when your motel room door is busted open you don't stir. When your big brother rushes to your bedside and runs his fingers through your hair and presses his lips to your forehead you remain unaware. He begins the long process of nursing you back to health. You finally drag yourself up from the hole you were in. You see his face and think that the only thing you can do is apologize. "I'm sorry!" both of you almost shout at the same time.
Each of you gives the other a mildly shocked look. Its not often that either of you apologize. For anything. You look at him and all you can think is how glad you are that he's there. Your big brother is back. Finally you can take a deep breath. What you don't know is that he is looking back at you also. That the he feels the same relief you do, except doubled. You are his baby. The child he helped protect and raise. How you could have ever thought he wouldn't forgive you is nonsense.
He loves you unconditionally. It just took him a while to fight his way back to that. To remember. To look at you and see little Sammy. But he pulls himself together and realizes that he could have never left you alone. He needs you. And deep down he knows you need him. Sure his feelings are still hurt. He isn't sure what went through your head for the year he was in purgatory. It's going to take some work but now you both think that you want to try. Nothing can possibly feel as bad as the two days you were separated, except obviously for the time spent in purgatory. You think you are ready to explain yourself. And now he knows he is ready to listen.
I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. ~Maya Angelou