Meeting Halfway
Summary: What does it mean to serve? One innocent comment from Cole destroys everything Evelyn thought she knew about her relationship with the Iron Bull. But it also gives them both a chance to have something better.
Pairing: F!Mage!Trevelyan / The Iron Bull
Warnings: mentions of past dub-con
Notes: For the sake of The Plot, the conversation with Cole happens before the Inquisitor gives Bull the Necklace of Kadan.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Evelyn walked down the stairs of Herald's Rest, glad that the whole mess with Sera's 'friends' was finally over.
The world was rid of one more snotty bastard who thought killing innocent people was an acceptable way to get someone's attention, and that was good. That so many innocents died was… not so good. She felt the by now familiar weight of guilt and responsibility settle on her shoulders. Say what you want about the Circle, but at least in there she didn't hold people's lives in her hands.
But at least now she had the rest of the day free. Time to see if Bull had some time to kill, too. She smiled to herself. There were several things Bull mentioned that she'd just love to try.
When they started, well, dating, she was surprised at how imaginative he was in bed. After all that failed flirting at Haven, she almost thought those women were making things up when they talked about their wild nights with Bull. He never seemed to get any of her hints.
Until the moment when he suddenly appeared in her bedroom and turned her entire world upside down.
She still didn't know why he never at least flirted back, but… maybe it was a Qunari thing? Take it or leave it? Another one of their either-or choices that make you decide on the spot and show what you truly believe in. Probably, she thought with a mental sigh. She really needed to find out more about the Qun.
Tal-Vashoth he might be now, but in many ways, he still followed.
She saw Bull sitting in his usual chair near the back of the tavern. Surprisingly, Cole came down to chat with him. A smile spread on her face as she watched them. It was times like these that she knew she made the right choice when she gave her heart to the Iron Bull.
Despite his obvious fear of demons and dislike for any 'weird-ass crap' as he called it, he accepted Cole as a member of their little dysfunctional family. They might have had a rocky start, but now Bull saw Cole as more of a strange but capable child that followed them into combat, rather than a soul-sucking monster of nightmares. Evelyn even saw him cover and defend their resident spirit when things got tough in a melee.
She decided to join them for a bit, before asking Bull if he had any time. Unless Cole blurts out something really innapropriate, in which case they'll probably go to her rooms right away. At least Cole was not the kind that got insulted when she needed to… leave abruptly.
Before she could approach them, though, Cole started talking in that curious voice he always used when he was trying to figure out some 'mysterious' mortal custom. She paused, trying to covertly listen in. It was so rare to see inside Bull's head that she just couldn't miss the opportunity, no matter how guilty she might feel about listening in on their private conversation later. Strangely, it seemed to be a conversation about her.
"You act like you're in charge, the Iron Bull, but it's really her. She decides when, and you measure it carefully, enough to enjoy, to energize, but never to anger." Cole looked at Bull curiously, as if he was trying to figure out something incredibly important. But then, Cole always looked like that when he asked questions. "She's tied, teased, tantalized, but it's tempered to what she wants. She submits, but you serve."
Evelyn felt those words hit her like a punch in the gut.
You serve, Cole said.
Bull might have replied, but Evelyn couldn't hear a thing. There was some strange buzzing in her ears. She felt faint. Nauseous.
She turned on her heel and fled.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Cold wind blowed in from the open balcony, but Evelyn barely felt it through her shock. She didn't remember how she got back to her quarters. Cole's words kept reverbating inside her head like sharp pieces of broken glass, tearing apart all she knew, or thought she knew.
'You serve'. Those words kept stabbing her in the heart, sharper than a silverite dagger, but not nearly as purifying.
'Magic exists to serve man, and so do you… Mages exist to serve man, and never to rule over him.' Cruel smirks. Cold hands. Fear and loneliness. Pain. Punishment for being born.
She knew what people were willing to… accept, if someone with power over them ordered it. How could she not have noticed?
All those times he never responded to her flirting.
All those times she wondered, but never said a thing.
All those times she asked him to 'join her in her quarters'…
And not once did she realize her lover fucked her as part of his service to the Inquisition. As if their time together was nothing more than an order from a commanding officer. A chore to get through, then get back to his family at the tavern.
That was right, wasn't it? Not once did he spend the night, no matter how many times he was here. Not that she outright asked, understanding he wanted to get back to his Chargers, but… What if he didn't stay, because he didn't want to stay?
Tears stung her eyes.
Why would he even accept her offers if he didn't want her? She might be the Inquisitor, true, but it's not like she could order him to… Oh, Maker.
She felt bile rise up in her throat. The Chargers, including Bull, were hired here, weren't they? But even if they weren't, he couldn't possibly think she'd order him to sleep with her, if he was unwilling, could he? She shoook her head in denial. No, that didn't fit. Bull wasn't like that.
But… he didn't have a high opinion of people. That was something Evelyn noticed about him a long time ago. He especially didn't have a good opinion about nobles, people in power and Orlesians in particular. Evelyn technically fit two of these categories… and now she even lived in Orlais.
What was it he said about them? A bunch of idiots whose cock-ups screwed everything not only for themselves, but for all the people under their command too. Evelyn got several stories out of Krem about vengeful snobs who they were hired to stop when they started causing trouble for their 'loved ones' because of some minor or imagined slight. With no care at all about the hired mercenaries and servants who paid the highest price for their antics.
Bull couldn't possibly think her to be the same as… those people, right?
Right?
With a growing sense of dread, she realized that even if he didn't think quite those horrible things about her, he still believed her to be unreasonable if he kept rejecting her advances. Who would be 'punished' if he didn't 'put up with it'?
The ones most vulnerable. His men.
And all this time she… she just kept pushing. A sob tore itself out of her throat as she fell to her knees.
If… if this is how he saw things then there was no other choice. She had to end this. She began this whole mess with her idiotic assumptions that her new-found rank had no influence on his decisions; she will also be the one to get them through this. Get him out of it.
No matter how it hurt.
She felt the responsibility settle on her shoulders, weighting her down. With a bitter smile, she realized that this was the time she'd usually go to Bull. To… to have him service her. A wave of self-disgust passed through her shaking frame.
She shook her head. Now was not the time to get lost in despair. She had to make the cut, first.
But it will hurt so much… If only she could run away. At least for a bit. But…
"I have to be an adult about this," she told herself. "It's not like I could get away from Bull."
That was right, wasn't it? The Inquisitor couldn't leave the Inquisition, that was out of question. And Bull couldn't truly leave either. Where would he go, if he was dismissed from here? After that fiasco on the Storm Coast, he really had nowhere to go…
He had nowhere to go.
Her eyes widened in horror. Memories of being locked up in the Circle kept pushing to the front. Nowhere to go, nowhere to run. Was that why he? Why they…?
It was too much. She felt bile rise in her throat. Didn't even try to stop it, as she vomited on the floor. Her thoughts whirled in her head with no way for her to stop them.
Bull was a Tal-Vashoth now. A hated monster and a traitor in the eyes of the Qunari. The Ben-Hassrath would hunt him down like a rabid animal, if he wasn't under the protection of the Inquisition. They already tried, even though Bull was protected by an army and in the middle of a well-guarded fortress, but as Bull said, that attack on the battlements was a formality, not a serious hit.
Meaning if he left, there would probably be another attack. A serious one this time.
What better way to make sure he won't be dismissed and have his men endangered than to give in to her demands?
If this was what a relationship with her meant to the people under her command… Evelyn woved, then and there, never to involve herself with anyone under her influence again.
Now the only thing left to do was give Iron Bull the good news.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
"Bull? Do you have a moment?" Evelyn's shaking voice caught him with the tankard half-way to his mouth.
Bull noticed she looked… off, the moment she entered Herald's rest. Nervous, short breaths, hands twitching and wringing the robes around her hips, eyes skiping all over the place.
He had no idea what was wrong. This was the first time he'd seen her like this. This… this uncertainty wasn't her, not even when she faced hordes of Red Templars and a blighted dragon. Even when faced with terrible choices that would break a lesser spirit, she stood strong, never wavered. The choices might weight heavily on her, but she was never nervous. What could have happened that shook her like this?
"Sure, Boss," he said in the most casually soothing voice he could manage. "What do you need of me?"
He saw the wince she couldn't hide and started feeling a bit nervous himself. What the hell happened?
"I… I need to talk to you. Privately."
This was usually the time he'd give her a smirk and a suggestive comment, but the fear in her eyes stopped him. Looked like she needed him for something different now. So he simply nodded and stood up.
Evelyn led him outside, ironically to the spot she usually waited for him when she needed reassurance. Which usually ended with a slap on that delicious butt of hers and a kiss.
He watched take several deep breaths, preparing herself for… something. "What is it, Boss?"
For the first time today, her voice was steady. "We need to end this."
"Oh." He kept his face carefully blank.
Whatever he expected, this was not it. He had thought… no, it didn't matter what he thought. It seemed he was slipping more than he knew, if he miscalculated her reactions this badly. He had no idea she would end it, now, like this.
Still, he needed to know.
"What brought this on?" If nothing else, he'd at least find out where he screwed up so badly he got kicked aside. That was a good thing, to learn from ones mistakes, right? Somehow, it didn't feel like it. Shit, he really was becoming soft in his old age.
She hesitated, obviously gearing herself up for something. Then she spoke in a brittle, trembling voice, "We had fun, blowing off some steam. But it's time to end this."
A lie. Weak, obvious one too. What, was she so scared of him and his reaction that she needed to lie to the liar himself? Now that was uncalled for. No matter what happened between them in her bedroom, he would never harm her unless she asked him to. He thought she knew that. She seemed to, until now. Suddenly, he was not so certain he knew what she ever thought at all.
But, there was nothing else for it. If she was ashamed or felt guilty for having sex with him, ending it was necessary. He wished to ease her burdens, not add to them. "Well spotted, Boss. If this is something that no longer works for you, it is better to end it now." He didn't expect her to be responsible enough to know when to quit and to actually have the strength to do it, like Qunari did. Yet another thing he didn't expect from her. But…
The look in her eyes…
Destroyed. She looked destroyed and devastated and Bull had no idea why. Did she want him to refuse? How could he? She was the Boss and she called the shots in this… whatever it was they were doing. Used to do, obviously.
"Bull…" she shook so hard he was surprised the wind didn't blow her away yet. Shit, if this was what he did to her, perhaps it was better that they end this. After a few seconds, she managed to gather her strength and swallowed heavily. Instead of speaking, he saw her nod curtly.
That was it then. Well, it was fun while it lasted. His heart was heavy, but it was nothing a couple rounds of sparring with his boys and a tumble with the serving girls won't cure.
He turned to leave, but her voice stopped him.
"Bull…" she took a deep breath, "Whatever happened between us, I want you to know it will have no impact on you or your men. You will always be welcome with the Inquisition."
Iron Bull couldn't help but blink. He never even though that… well. That said something of the opinion he had of his Ev… Boss, when he didn't think she'd try to have revenge for their break up.
"Good to know," he said as kindly as he could and left before she could see how much of an impact she already had on him.
He never saw her shoulders start to shake.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
The Iron Bull walked tiredly back into the Herald's Rest and aimed for his usual spot. As he passed his lieutenant, Krem lifted his head curiously to look at him.
"What happened, did she finally dump your ass?" he asked carelessly as he took another gulp of his wine.
"You knew she would?" Bull paused next to him and asked incredulously. Since when was his lieutenant better at spotting patterns in human behavior than him? How did he know? And why didn't he warn Bull?
Krem raised surprised eyes to his chief, "Wait, she actually did? Huh, thought she'd give it a bit more time. Guess not."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Bull was getting a bit angry. He didn't think he was so worthless that any human woman would only accept him for a simple fling. Even if that was what he preferred most of the time. His Boss was… he thought she was different.
Shit, it shouldn't hurt like this, he thought and had to fight down the urge to put a hand on his aching chest like some swooning maiden.
Krem only gave him a look. "You were in a… what, relationship? You were together for over two months and not once have you had sex with her. She must have grown tired of waiting."
Bull only snorted. "What makes you think we hadn't? We were at it like animals for better part of the time, if you have to know. There were definitely no complaints in that area," he grinned, certain at least that this was something he was good at.
"Inside a tent in the wilds, where any party member or passing soldier can hear or see you? Hate to break it to you, Chief, but that's not exactly what a relationship should be like."
"Nah, we had quite a lot of fun in her quarters. Sometimes other places, too." Bull had to force down the memory of their times together. Especially that one time on the war table. That one was hot.
Krem paused with the bottle halfway to his mouth and gave Bull a look of growing horror. "But you sleep here every night…"
"So? That's where my place is." He gave Krem a puzzled look. Was this another human weirdness? If so, he had never heard of it before.
Krem closed his eyes in pain. "Chief… you big horned idiot," he told Bull in a raw voice. When he saw Bull's uncomprehending look, he explained, "Leaving after sex is for whores, one-night-stands and dirty secrets. Lovers stay the night."
Despite all his training, Bull felt his eyes widen.
Krem continued mercilessly, "If you never stayed, you basically told her that this is only fucking and she's not worth more."
He fell heavily into his chair and heard it creak under his weight. "Damn." How the hell was he to know that?! Despite all the years of living amongst the humans, some of their strange, nonsensical customs still evaded him.
Like this staying the night business.
Why would he? They were done and he had to get back to his men. He had no idea it was this… symbolic for humans, that he stay.
Bull was never in a relationship before. Qunari didn't have them… and he never found any human worth trying to make one work. Too busy with his Chargers, plus the Ben-Hassrath still owned his loyalty. Only now was he free to pursue one - and he screwed it up before he even realized he was doing anything wrong.
Shit.
He remembered the raw look in her eyes as she told him they needed to end this. Now he finally recognized it for what it was. Betrayal. Despite being the one to end it, she felt betrayed that he didn't ask her to stay. Or was it something else, still? He wasn't completely sure and that worried him. In any case…
That statement near the infirmary was not a statement at all; it was a test. One he failed and failed miserably. Damn it all. Was he a Ben-Hassrath or not? How could he have missed this?! And now it was too…
Wait.
Humans were not like Qunari. They rarely saw things as either/or and were big on second chances. Evelyn especially with her giving a chance to anyone who might have potential, even if they didn't deserve it. Like the mages, even after they tried to murder her and would have joined the fucking 'Vints as their pet slaves if given half a chance.
She gave second chances to pretty much anyone. And she cared for him, he knew she did.
Maybe it was not too late.
But first, he'd have to devise a plan to win her back. This called for something he didn't do for some time. Research.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
The next couple of days were torture.
Evelyn kept herself busy as much as she could and avoided going outside the keep, lest she ran into Bull. Better to give them both time to adjust… and this way, she won't have to see the relief on his face whenever he talked to anyone but her.
At first, she thought of going out for some extended stay in the forward camps. There was still cleaning up to do in Emprise du Lion to get rid of the last of the Red Lyrium and the refugees in Hinterlands always needed help. But leaving right now would feel too much like running away.
Thankfully there was always something else to do. The war table had never gotten as much attention as it did now. Her advisors were puzzled, but didn't comment; rather they called in favors and summoned agents from all over Thedas to have the work done almost as quickly as she set it. Materials were gathered, new weapons and armor made for herself and all her companions, political intrigue solved, lives saved and the Inquisition coffers were full to bursting.
And if her friends and companions noticed anything amiss, they thankfully didn't comment on it.
Still, despite her attempts to avoid him, she saw way too much of Bull, in places she'd never seen him before. It was a strange sight, Bull awkwardly trying to fit beside Varric at his usual table in the Main Hall as they discussed something in hushed whispers. She didn't even know Bull could whisper, his voice being usually so… booming.
It was the way he leaned over Dorian in the library that kept stabbing her in the heart the most, though. She'd have to be blind and stupid not to notice the way those two flirted whenever they travelled together. Which was often, as Varric, Bull and Dorian were the men she liked to travel with the most. Her sassmasters, she smiled bitterly.
It would be a cruel and unusual punishment if those two ended up together.
At least Bull didn't try to talk to her. If she didn't know he had excellent spatial awareness, she'd think he didn't even know she passed him by. Which was better than cold looks of disgust or open anger she imagined he must feel. But… he'd probably just hide those.
It just hurt to loose a friend as well as a lover. If they were ever truly lovers in the first place. She doubted that.
She looked over the almost clean war table and realized she didn't have much else to do here. She was needed out there. People counted on her to save them; wasting time because of a broken heart was something this world couldn't afford.
But first, something to calm her mind, and maybe to reassure Iron Bull that she meant what she said, that she had no hard feelings for this mess… mess that she caused in the first place.
That dragon in Hinterlands had attacked another passing merchant's caravan. That was more than enough trouble caused from that beast. It was time to put it down.
Something told her Iron Bull will enjoy killing it.
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"Did you see that? Did everybody see that?!" Iron Bull's excited voice reached her as he dragged himself out from where the dragon almost crushed him with its head as it fell.
Evelyn panted from exhaustion. "Is everyone alright?" she asked worriedly. Despite all the preparation she made her team go through and the new equipment she had them wear, that was the hairiest fight they'd ever been in.
"Never better," Bull said with so much joy in his voice that Evelyn couldn't help but look him in the eye, something she avoided ever since their discussion several days ago.
His face shone with the widest, happiest, most carefree smile she had ever seen on him.
Something in her relaxed and she smiled back. His grin got wider in response.
Dorian chose that moment to insert in an annoyed voice, "If you are quite done with this extremely foolish and dangerous mating ritual, I'd like to get these burns looked at."
Her heart clenched, hard. "No, that's not what… I didn't…" And just like that, her good mood was gone, replaced with pain. She looked away to hide her expression and completely missed the deadly glare Bull sent Dorian.
Dorian, for his part, shuddered at the look in the huge Qunari's one eye and hurried to add, "Now, now, my dear Inquisitor, there's nothing wrong with flirting, as you should know."
She started leading her group back towards the camp, grateful that being in front also hid her face from her companions. "There is, when someone with my power pushes too hard."
Varric and Dorian gave her back curious, considering looks, while Bull narrowed his eye at her. What did she mean by that?
"Au contraire, sweet Evelyn. The one with the power should definitely flirt first. Wouldn't want to make the poor people under you look like social-climbers. Also, how would we have become such good friends otherwise?" he smiled at her, not unkindly.
Evelyn never replied, as she walked back into the camp.
And The Iron Bull… he felt even less certain of what actually happened than before.