Thoughts
Authors Note: I don't usually write these, and if I do they are at the end of the story, but I thought it best to warn the readers of this story before they read it. I don't know much about Gilmore Girls, or Luke and Lorelai's relationship, and I haven't seen the last season. I've only seen the first three seasons, and that was years ago, so please excuse me if I miss things that I ought to have known.
I hope that my character representations are accurate, and that this doesn't seem too strange. It's based on the episode 'Lorelai? Lorelai?', and covers the scene when she sings to Rory and then Luke. I don't know what happens after, or before that scene, so you are bound to read things/memories that are unfamiliar and not from Gilmore Girls.
Please let me know what you think, I would love to know how I did on my first Gilmore Girls Fiction. This is written from Lorelai's perspective, and is about what she's thinking during the song.
Song: I will always love you by Whitney Houston.
I walk onto the stage, ready to sing for my daughter. I'm so proud of everything that she's done, and I'm so very proud to be her mother. I know I'm not drunk, yet I have enough alcohol in my system to sing in front of the town. As I leant into the microphone, I looked at my daughter and laugh nervously.
"Honey, it's another embarrassing moment for your dairy," I say, and then stop as I hear the faint music start from behind me. Quickly I turn around and place the empty shot glass on the stereo. I turn around once more, and smile widely.
"Happy graduation." I see her smile lightly, and jokingly place a hand over her heart. As the words come up on the screen beside me, I'm terrified. I know I can sing, but I don't do it often, and when I do, it's most definitely not in public. I know I have to start to sing soon, and I take a deep breath to calm myself.
"If I," I start, "should stay." The nervous hands that were fidgeting with my jean loops, come out and gesture towards her. Deep down, I think this is ridiculous, but I know that she loves to hear me sing.
"I would only be in your way." It's true, I think, as I sing the words, my hands making more gestures. She really is fantastic, and I know that I truly would be in the way of her life and career. I often wonder how someone so fantastic could be related to, let alone be the daughter of, an idiot like me.
"So I'll go," I sing, and I see her and Lane talking before they both move their attention back to me.
"But I know." My hands are back in my jean loops, and I sway slightly on the stage, trying to conceal my nervousness.
"I'll think of you, each step of the way." I can hear my heart beating loudly, and I look at my daughter. Her smile is wide, and I know that she's enjoying this, and that's all that matters.
"And I," I hold the note as long as I need to, trying to put emphasis into the next line. I see and hear everyone clap as I hold the note.
"Will always love you." I hear Babette and Liz speak, their voices carrying across the room from where they sit.
"I will always love you," I sing, melting the words together, so they flow melodically. As I sing the last two words of the line, my voice drops quietly, and the words become a little sweeter. My hands, move from my pockets to the string from my top, fidgeting and pulling at it, as I try to find a way to release my nervous energy.
"Bittersweet," I sing, but before I can continue, I see Luke, and my voice and memory falter. "Memories," I stutter out, trying as hard as I might to not let his presence affect me. But as I sing the words, they strike some place deep inside of me, because I know that it's true. The time that I had with Luke was amazing, and I won't be able to ever forget those memories, but they are bittersweet.
"That's all, I'm taking with me." The only times that I will ever be with Luke are in my head, my photographs and my dreams. The times when we were together are the only memories that will ever have, and I will cherish them forever.
"So goodbye," I shake slightly, as I try not to let the words affect me as much as they do.
"Please don't cry." I find it incredibly hard to get the last word out, and between Luke and me, I think that I would be the one crying, considering how I am already struggling to keep my emotions in check.
"We both know, I'm not what you need." As much as it pains me to admit it, I know it's true. I don't deserve him, and I'm not what he needs. He needs and wants someone who can be there for him, and not be distracted by her own problems. He deserves someone who is wonderful, fantastic, and amazing, and I'm none of those.
"And I will always love you," I sing, and my shoulder shrugs involuntarily; just like my continued love for Luke. I can't help being in love with him, and I can't think of anything more wonderful than that.
"I will always love you." As he looks up from the bar, drink in hand, he looks directly into my eyes. I hope that he can see all the love, devotion, care and affection in my gaze. The song, originally dedicated to Rory, has changed and is now being sung directly to Luke. I think it's strange, my last attempt to try and get some sort of emotion back into our relationship, comes in the form of a serenade in a crowded karaoke bar.
"I hope life treats you kind." I see him smile at me as I begin to sing the line, and tentatively I smile back. The words of this song are absolutely true, I do wish him all the best, and I do hope that life treats him kind, and yet I hope that it doesn't until I'm back in his life. At night, I dream only of him and I'm haunted by the memories of us together and the nights that he spent with me.
"And I hope you have all you've dreamed of," I smile, and shake my head slightly as I sing, trying to convey that I mean so much more than the words I'm singing. I love Luke with all my heart, and I know that I'm not what he deserves, so in a way, this is my way of telling him how much he means to me.
My voice takes on a more serious note as I continue, not looking down at the screen for prompts. "And I wish you joy and happiness." I really do because his happiness means the world to me. I want him to be happy, joyful and comforted by someone that means to him what he means to me.
"But above all, I wish you," I take a breath before singing the next word, "love." I think that's the problem between Luke and me. I wished him my love more than anything else, I still do, and he doesn't want it. As I continue to sing this, I want more and more to get off this stage so I can be alone. I want to stop singing to him like a woman possessed and yet I can't because I love him.
"And I will always love you." I watch dismayed, as he drops his head. My heart sinks but before anything else happens, his head lifts and so does my heart. I look back in his eyes, but I can't detect the emotion in his eyes that I saw months ago. I don't know whether it's because he doesn't love me anymore, though I valiantly hope he does, or if it's because he's being guarded. Once again, it becomes clear to me, that this is my one opportunity to try and rectify and maybe re-establish the wonderful relationship we had together.
"I will always love you." My voice wobbles on the last word, as I feel a prickly sensation behind my eyes. I know that the song is ending, but I wish I had more time to try and convince him. I try courageously to keep my emotions in check, trying to not let the tears that are threatening to cascade down my cheeks become a reality.
"I will always," As the last lyrics of the song exit my mouth, my voice turns more sincere and sweet. I take another breath, and try as hard as I can to not let myself break in half as I utter the last two words.
"Love you." I look honestly at him, and shrug my shoulders lightly. When I don't see a reaction, my heart plummets and I give up all pretence of being able to keep my emotions in check. I take a step back, and utter a saddened laugh. Almost exhaustedly, I raise a hand, and rush off stage, needing desperately to be alone, yet wanting comfort that only he can provide.
As I enter the alley behind the karaoke bar, I wait for close to a minute, before I realise that whatever Luke and I had is truly over. Tears of anger, pain, hurt and unrequited love spill down my cheeks as I stagger my way home. As soon as I enter the door, I collapse on the couch, crying as though there is no tomorrow.
Though he might never love me, look at me, or be in my life, I know what I sung tonight is true. I will always love him.
(Please let me know what you think! And I apologise if this story was dreadful or appallingly written.)