A/N – I don't own Teen Titans or Aerosmith. Steven Tyler is owned by no one, I'm afraid.
…
Raven entered her room, letting the door slam shut behind her on its smooth gliders. It was dark, as was usual. With a nearly inaudible grunt of frustration, she lashed her arms out in front of her. Around the room, candles suddenly flared with flames. The light exposed her setting, which was unnaturally messy. Books and trinkets littered the floor, along with some spare clothes she hadn't bothered to put away. It was a disaster. It was starting to look like –
The sorceress was obviously angry. She levitated over the mess, mouth set in a tense line. She didn't want to think. About anything. Azar knew she needed meditation – but it would ultimately lead to yet another argument with her inner clones. Raven didn't want to face that. She couldn't. It would only make her madder.
Control your anger! Her inner voice yelled. She clenched and unclenched her fists, pulling in a ragged breath through her nose and out her mouth. Cyborg had told her some things she could do to vent, the easiest and least damaging to listen to music. He had given her a small stereo, which sat in the corner of her room practically untouched. She flew at it now, turning it on and rifling through the small box of CDs next to it. She needed something loud. Something to drown out all thought.
Her fingers wrapped around an Aerosmith CD. Classic rock was not her forte, but Beast Boy had left it in her room and she decided not to give it back out of revenge for him doing so. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably. Raven ripped open the case and pulled out the disk, slamming it into the port. Within a minute, the opening riffs to some loud and obnoxious song began to play. Raven turned the radio to near full volume, not caring if it annoyed her Teammates. She spun in midair and headed to her now relatively disorganized bookshelf. Her ears were ringing. She curled her fingers around a well-worn tome and began to pull. It didn't budge. She growled to herself and pulled harder. Stupid book, she thought. Stupid shelf. Stupid life.
"DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT SO LOUD?" Raven stopped mid-pull, her muscles frozen. She clenched her eyes tightly shut. Beast Boy. He was in her room – he must have come in without her hearing. The music was quite loud. Raven made a mental note to ask Robin or Cyborg to change the codes on her door.
Raven whipped around to face the green-skinned changeling. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME IN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING?" she snapped back, having to scream over the music. Beast Boy raised an eyebrow, crossing his lean arms over his chest.
"A, YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM A TEAM MEETING, SO IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WERE UNDRESSING OR ANYTHING." He held up one finger as he said this, and Raven rolled her eyes. "AND B, EVEN IF YOU WERE, WE SHARE A BATHROOM. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'VE GOT ANYTHING TO HIDE."
Raven's eyes flashed dangerously. She was not in the mood to put up with Beast Boy's annoyances. "A, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME NAKED; IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. AND B, KNOCKING IS COMMON COURTESY, BEAST BOY." She was fuming, but the younger boy didn't even seem fazed. Fixing her with a glare, he stepped over to the stereo and turned it off. "Leave that alone!" Raven barked. She wasn't yelling anymore – there was no point.
"You're gonna totally ruin your hearing if you keep blasting it like that," he stated. Raven clenched her fists. What did he know? He did it all the time!
"That's none of your business," she hissed. "And what are you doing here, anyway?" Beast Boy shrugged and flopped onto Raven's unmade bed. He crossed his legs and looked over at her. She could not understand how he could be so calm right now. Raven was on the verge of letting go of her emotions completely.
"I dunno," he said nonchalantly, shrugging one shoulder. His gaze floated up to meet hers. "You tell me."
Raven's throat uncomfortably clenched. She turned away from the boy, wishing he would leave her alone. "I didn't ask you to come in," she pointed out, still somewhat ruffled.
"And yet, here I am." Beast Boy was quiet for a moment. A nice change, Raven thought bitterly. Her short respite was suddenly cut. "C'mon, Rae, there has to be some reason I have to keep coming in here. This is the seventh time."
This surprised her. She hadn't let him in her room once, let alone seven times. "What?"
A scoff. "The seventh time in the last month that I've had to come in here," he clarified, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Raven was still confused. She had noticed some things had been moved around; could that have been Beast Boy's doing?
"No one's forcing you," she mumbled. All the anger had left her deflated. She had no energy to quarrel with Beast Boy. Please, just leave me alone…
Beast Boy chuckled lightly, much to Raven's annoyance. "Right," he drawled, sarcasm dripping from his tone. "So why exactly do you have to play your music so loud?"
Raven sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in between two fingers. "I swear, Beast Boy. I have no idea what you are talking about." Or did she? She hadn't thought that her loud music was a cry for attention.
"Fine," he said quietly. Silence fell over the room. Raven turned, expecting him to have left, only to immediately make eye contact with him again. He hadn't moved a muscle. Perhaps he needs prodding…
"You can go now. I promise I won't turn the music back on."
Beast Boy blinked slowly, and finally broke eye contact. He shrugged one shoulder again in that stupid half-shrug. "It's not that easy, Rae."
A sudden flare of anger relit in her core. Maybe it was the hated nickname, maybe it was the fact that he was the last person she wanted to speak to. "It should be," she snapped. "This is my room!"
The edge of Beast Boy's lips quirked up, as if he had thought of something funny. "Thank you for clarifying," he mocked, flashing that goofy grin that made Raven want to rip her hair out. "I've only been living with you for four years, so I was a little unclear." Raven prepared herself for a snippy comeback when Beast Boy rolled off of her bed. Was he finally leaving? Her hopes were dashed as he knelt to the floor and picked up a book, smoothing the crinkled pages. He stepped past her frozen form and placed it back on the shelf behind her.
"Can you please just leave my stuff alone?" she groaned. Raven knew the answer before the word left the changeling's lips.
"No."
Exasperated, Raven sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing her temples. Beast Boy continued to pick up books and papers off of the floor, putting them back in their rightful places. "Destroying your hearing is one thing, but not cleaning your room is just not you, Rae." The empath leaned her head into her hands.
"Beast Boy, please. I just want to be left alone." Her words fell on deaf ears as the boy went on babbling.
"You know, I was always the one Robin had to yell at about keeping my clothes picked up," he chuckled lightly. Her eyes shot open. He was folding a pair of her pajama pants and putting them in her dresser. He turned toward Raven, face falling into what he called his "most-famous-impression-of-Robin". "'Why can't you be neat like Raven? I can walk through her room without stepping on anything but floor.'" He dropped the voice, giggling like a little kid. Raven had to admit, it was certainly something Robin would say. But she wasn't going to give Beast Boy the satisfaction.
"Yeah, well, things change," she growled. Beast Boy's playful expression immediately dropped from his face. He sighed slightly.
"So I see," he mumbled. Raven felt bad for a moment. Maybe she shouldn't have been so harsh. But all thoughts of apology died in her mouth as Beast Boy picked up one of her extra cloaks. "Hey! I didn't know you had more than one of these!" And without waiting for any form of confirmation, he pulled it over his head.
"Beast Boy!" Raven jumped up off of her bed, anger making her voice rise slightly. "How many times have I told you, I don't want you wearing my cloak?" Beast Boy looked at her innocently from under the hood, his green eyes bright against the darkness.
"But your cloaks are so warm and comfy!" he whined, pulling the edges around his body. Raven groaned and sat back down. There was no way she was getting it off of him now. Beast Boy pulled the hood off, exposing his fanged grin.
"Yeah, but the next time I go to wear them, they stink like wet dog," she grumbled. It wasn't necessarily true, but she wasn't feeling particularly up for maturity at the moment. "If there is anything more obnoxious than an unhygienic teammate, it's an unhygienic teammate who doesn't mind his own business." Raven stood up suddenly and stalked past Beast Boy to slam the dresser shut. He danced out of her way, nearly tripping over the cape in the process. "Leave me, my music, and my clothes alone."
Beast Boy narrowed his eyes, like he usually did when they were about to get in a massive argument. "I can't." He said it slowly, like she didn't entirely know what the words meant. This only made her feel angrier.
"Why not?" Raven drawled back, mocking his tone. If Beast Boy wanted an argument, boy was he going to get one. But instead of taking the bait like usual, the green teen shrugged and sat down at the end of her bed.
"I don't know," he said calmly. His eyes raised to meet hers. "That's what you're supposed to tell me." Raven groaned in frustration and pinched her nose. She could feel a migraine coming on. "It's what you were supposed to tell me the last six times too."
"I don't have anything to say," she rasped. This was inane. How long would they be running in this circle?
"If you say so," Beast Boy shrugged. He was fiddling with the edges of the cloak, apparently with no intentions of leaving. Raven sighed and walked to the opposite wall, using her fingers and thumb to rub her eyes.
"This is insane," she muttered. "I must be losing my mind."
It was meant to be to herself, but naturally Beast Boy felt a need to butt in. "I wouldn't be surprised," he snickered. Raven's eyes flashed red, and she turned on him. If he wanted to bring it down to twelve year-old level, fine.
"You know, I really do think Robin put you on the Team out of pity," she hissed. This didn't even phase him.
"So you've told me," he bit back. "Right after you told me that I would never get a date."
Raven rolled her eyes, a harsh bark of laughter forcing itself out of her chest. "I thought you were old enough to handle it."
Beast Boy's ears flattened. "I was fourteen! My ego wasn't fully developed!"
Raven shrugged. "You've always said you were precocious," she quipped. Beast Boy was quiet for a moment. The sorceress assumed he was trying to figure out what precocious meant.
But instead, his voice came out quiet and bitter. "At least you remember some of the things I've said," he mumbled. For some reason, this riled Raven up further.
"Yeah, unlike you, I was paying attention when my teammate was talking," she snapped. She crossed her arms over her chest.
"I listened to you plenty, believe me," Beast Boy growled. "I just didn't think anything I'd said had ever registered with you."
Raven let out a long breath through clenched teeth. "Far more than I'd like, believe me." Quiet. The anger had rushed out of her like a deflated balloon. "You really can leave, you know. I don't need you around here."
Beast Boy snorted. "So you've said." Raven let her face fall into her hands. Great Azar, did this boy ever give up? "You've also said that I should not enter your room without knocking…"
"That sounds vaguely familiar."
"Mind my own business…"
"More than once, as I recall."
"Leave your things alone…"
"So you were paying attention."
"Think through my decisions." He made a point of this one, not trailing off like the others. It jabbed into Raven like a knife. She looked away.
"Except then," she whispered. Beast Boy nodded slowly, a ghost of a smile on his features.
"And now I think we're getting somewhere," he said, half to himself. Raven bristled. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Exactly what he had been leading her to this whole time. And she had bought into it like a fool.
"I asked you not to volunteer for that mission with Robin," she muttered. Beast Boy raised an eyebrow.
"No you didn't." He looked so smug. Raven wanted to punch him, strangle him, throw him across the room. But the only emotion she felt was exhaustion.
"Beast Boy…"
He raised a gloved hand, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "I know, I was there."
"And you don't remember me asking you not to go?" Raven felt like a parent reprimanding a child. As per usual when it came to Beast Boy.
"I don't."
Raven closed her eyes. "Beast Boy…"
He jumped off of the end of her bed, forcing her to stumble back slightly. He pulled the hood of her cloak over his head and hunched over, drooping his eyelids so only a sliver of green showed through. Raven assumed it was a mockery of her. "Beast Boy, have you lost your mind? You can't go on that mission." He straightened up and flipped the hood back, regaining his old character. "That doesn't sound like a request to me."
Raven simmered. Technically, he was right. "Whatever," she quipped. "You and Robin don't work well together."
"Because you and him were so close?" Beast Boy pressed. Raven looked down at the floor. What was the point in lying? Her friendship with Robin had been extremely important to her.
"Among other things," she mumbled. Keeping it vague usually either made Beast Boy lose interest or press harder. Unfortunately for Raven, he chose the latter.
"What other things?" Raven glanced up, meeting his eyes. They were so wide, so familiar…She shook her head. Now was not the time.
"Never mind," she growled. "When I spend time with Robin, I would prefer to have proper intellectual conversation. Having a child around makes that difficult."
"Child?" Beast Boy snorted, obviously miffed. "I'm barely a year younger than you!"
"Whatever," Raven scoffed. She wanted to end this. To kill the conversation before it got any further. "The point is you didn't pay attention when it mattered."
Beast Boy was quiet again for a moment, his lips pursed. "So are you mad I didn't listen to you or mad that I went on the mission?"
Raven sighed, a touch of sadness entering her voice. "I'm not mad."
"Coulda fooled me." His voice was cold, melancholy. Raven sat down on the floor, her cloak spreading out behind her. The Tower was absolutely silent. It sent a pang through her stomach.
"Where'd you guys go, anyway?" she mumbled, running a few fingers over the carpet.
"When?" His voice was so innocent, as if he were discussing when he wanted to eat dinner.
"You know when!" Raven snapped. Her patience had worn so thin over the years. Beast Boy rubbed a hand over the back of his head.
"Yeah," he mumbled. Another moment of quiet. Beast Boy seemed to be reflecting on something. "It was a check-up on the old Slade hang-out. It's why Robin said he wanted to go alone."
Raven's eyes narrowed. "Slade's old 'hang-out'? Seriously?"
Beast Boy's eyebrows drew together. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing," she said, a hint of anger poisoning her tone. "I just thought Robin was over that by now." She stared at the floor, her stomach churning. Her voice dropped sharply in volume. "He must've trusted you a lot." She couldn't help it; jealousy had begun to pool within her.
"I guess," Beast Boy mumbled. He glanced over at the door. "How is he?"
Raven tensed. Why didn't Beast Boy just go ask the Boy Wonder himself? "How should I know?" It came out bitter and angry. Raven blushed suddenly with shame.
"You're the only person he opens up to," Beast Boy pointed out, unaffected by her tone. "He's, like, your best friend."
"Was my best friend," Raven snapped, standing suddenly. She needed to move.
"Raven!" Beast Boy cried, shocked. The sorceress huddled within her cloak, her face obscured by shadows.
"Like I said, things change, alright?" she mumbled. Beast Boy bit his lip, as if he couldn't think of anything to say. Raven could. "You guys didn't think to see if I'd wanted to come?"
"Come where?" Beast Boy asked. Raven rolled her eyes. She wasn't going to play this game again.
"On the mission. You didn't think I'd want to come?" Her voice was barely a whisper.
Beast Boy blinked incredulously. "No, Raven, we didn't."
"Why not?"
"Because A, you never want to be invited to anything, and B, it took forever to get Robin to take me along," he pronounced. Raven shook her head. The frustration was building again.
"You still should have asked me," she said firmly. Her fists were clenched under her cloak.
"Why? We'd done things without you other times," he said. His voice was calm, but his deep green eyes sparked.
A sudden blast of anger filled Raven. "Yeah, but you didn't die any of the other times!" she screamed. There. She'd said it. Dead. Beast Boy was dead. It was like a weight had lifted from her chest.
The sentence hung in the air, suspended by a cloud of pent up emotion. The Tower once again filled with that awful, choking silence. Beast Boy stared at her.
"That's the first time you've said it, isn't it?" he murmured. She couldn't look at him. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. Still, Raven nodded. Beast Boy sighed. "I think we might be getting somewhere."
"You should have taken me along," she croaked. She was having trouble breathing.
"Why?" His voice was so calm. How could it be so calm?
"I could have done something," Raven murmured. "If I had been there, I would have been able to do something."
Beast Boy sighed. In that moment, he looked more mature than she had ever seen him. "Rae, you would not have been able to tell that place was booby-trapped."
"But I could have warned Robin –"
He cut her off, his voice hard. "You really think I didn't do that?" She blinked, fearful that tears would start to threaten her. Beast Boy scratched a spot behind his ear. "Raven, there wasn't enough time and space. If you were with us, the Team might've had two funerals to plan."
Tears were definitely pushing at her eyes now. "I still should have been there," she whispered.
Beast Boy stood up, walking over to her. He knelt in front of her, one hand on her shoulder. "It's not your fault," he murmured. A pause. "It's not Robin's fault either."
Raven's face whipped up; his nose was only inches from hers. "I never said it was."
Beast Boy cocked an eyebrow. He took his hand off of Raven's shoulder, taking a few paces back. "You also never said it wasn't."
Raven's temper flared momentarily. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Why haven't you answered the door when he knocked? Why do you only speak to him when you have to?" His eyes were like two green pebbles – hard and cold. "I thought best friends were always there for each other."
Raven stood up, turning away from his accusing voice. Go away… "Beast Boy, I am really not in the mood for this."
He grabbed her shoulders and turned her back around, forcing her to look at him. "Yeah, well, that doesn't really matter right now," he yelled. "You have to face facts, and that's a lot easier if you're not shutting out the people closest to you!"
Raven's eyes flashed red again. "You're dead!" she screamed.
"I'd noticed!" he howled back, taking his hands from her shoulders. It was like he was pushing himself away. Raven felt like crying.
"How can I talk to him and not remember that?" she said, voice cracking. "Every time I look at him, I think of you."
Beast Boy's face softened. "Is that really such a bad thing?" he murmured. "I mean, I know we weren't like best friends, but is it really so awful to think about me?" There was real hurt in his voice. Raven felt a tear trying to escape, and she brushed it away.
"You're supposed to be here," she whispered, voice barely audible. "You're supposed to play stupid pranks and make dumb jokes that make me want to laugh. That's not going to happen now, and looking at Robin brings it all back."
"That doesn't mean you have to ignore Robin," Beast Boy said softly. He grabbed one of her hands in both of his, running his gloved thumbs over the top of her fingers. "In fact, I'd say it means just the opposite."
Raven looked up at him through blurred eyes, her eyebrows crinkling. "How?"
A sad smile pulled at Beast Boy's lips. "If you don't forget me, then you can tell people about me." He shrugged. "Maybe I can still make you guys laugh!"
Raven closed her eyes, concentrating on Beast Boy's grip on her hand. "It's not the same," she murmured.
"I never said it would be," Beast Boy pointed out. He detached one hand from hers and cupped her cheek. She leaned into it, barely feeling the tears starting to drip down her cheeks. "It'll get better."
She laughed harshly, wiping her sleeve over her face and dislodging the animorph's hand. "Your insight from beyond the grave is penetrating, Beast Boy. That's all you can say? 'It'll get better'?"
Beast Boy grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly. Like they always had. "Yeah."
"Why?" she asked.
He did that stupid one-shouldered shrug. "Because it will. And because you know I'm right. And because deep down, you knew it all along." Raven felt more tears well in her eyes. She sniffed.
"You're not coming back anymore, are you?" she asked. Beast Boy smirked sadly and shook his head. Raven sighed, looking down at her hands. "I miss you, you know."
"I know," Beast Boy said quietly. "I hear it loud and clear every day."
Raven walked over to the end of her bed, sinking down into the comforter. Beast Boy sat beside her, his arm brushing hers. The familiar silence choked the Tower once more. Raven closed her eyes. "It's too quiet," she murmured. "I'm supposed to hear you in your room, or in the ops room, or the kitchen or wherever." Beside her, Beast Boy wrapped his arms around her form and pulled her into him. She turned her face to press into his chest. "I lost a teammate, and I never told him I loved him."
Beast Boy smiled against her hair. "He knew. And part of him will always be here." He placed a soft, lingering kiss on the top of her head. Gently, he pulled himself away from her, laying her form down on the bed as he did so, like she was a child falling asleep. She curled up on top of the blankets, giving up on trying to wipe the steady stream of tears from her face. She was so tired…maybe if she just closed her eyes for a second -
Without warning, there as a massive blast of sound as the radio turned on. Raven shot up in her bed, her face wet with crying and her muscles stiff. She stared at the radio, and then around the room. Beast Boy was gone.
Raven sighed and stood to turn the radio off. The noise was beginning to drive her crazy. As soon as she turned it off, she stepped backward and almost tripped over something. It was her extra cloak, crumpled up on the floor. She picked it up. The hood was speckled with a few green hairs.
"You'd think that wet dog stink would wash out," she joked, half to herself. More tears were threatening. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear them away. She had job to do.
Straightening herself, Raven opened her door and stepped into the hallway. It was ghostly quiet, even if it was still afternoon. She shivered and began her endless trek. Would she ever get used to the silence?
Raven reached her destination after what could have been ten seconds or ten years. She stared at the door before her, heart beating in her throat. Gingerly, she reached up a hand and knocked. Almost immediately, Robin answered. Slight surprise registered on his face.
"Raven?" he blurted. She allowed a small smile to cross her features.
"Yeah," she paused, biting her lip.
Robin's eyebrows drew together in concern. "How are you?"
Raven thought about the cloak on her floor, about the happy voice still fresh in her mind. "I miss him," she whispered. Robin stepped forward, awkwardly wrapping his arms around her. She hugged him back fiercely.
"Yeah. Me too."