Lost; that was how he felt. As if he was adrift in a stormy sea, out of sight of land. One stupid, unthinking move was all it had taken for the strongest of ties to be severed. The betrayal had stung; had actually hurt more than he had ever been hurt before. But even the initial hurt was less intense than the pain of the loneliness that followed. Sirius, James and Peter had sworn not to tell his secret, but Sirius had given it away. It did not matter to Remus whether it had been a moment of madness, an instant of unthinking anger toward Snape, he had still let another find out what Remus really was. There was nothing that anyone could do to change it; Snape had been given the ultimate power over Remus, by Remus' supposed best friend.
It had been weeks, and still Remus could not bring himself to speak to Sirius. He had listened to stammering apologies spoken in a shaking, tear laden voice in stony silence. The only reason he had stayed to hear it was that he was unable to move from his bed in the hospital wing. He did not want to hear, as he was afraid that his heart would forgive, where his head would not. How could he forgive? He did not know how to begin, even if he tried to.
"Remus?" The voice was unexpected. It was not James or Peter; the only two he had spoken to in weeks. The voice was soft, gentle and most decidedly feminine. Red hair swirled in the wind as Lily climbed the hill to where Remus sat at the foot of the owlery. Her pale face wore a worried frown, but her green eyes were warm as they met his. "I've missed you" she explained, as she joined him on the grass, leaning her back against the sun-warmed stones of the tower.
It took Remus a moment, but he turned and looked at her. "Lily, what do you think I should do?" he asked abruptly. "James and Pete think I'm holding a grudge, but they don't understand how I feel."
"Like the ground has been tugged from under you?" Lily said softly. "Like the world you know and understand has crumbled around you, leaving you helpless and alone. Like you can't trust anyone you could, and you feel as if perhaps you should never have trusted them, and maybe that they have never been your friend. You feel as if it's all been a lie; every part of your friendship, from the very beginning. It does not matter what anyone else tells you, or what you want to believe. It does not change how much it hurts to have been made so vulnerable."
Remus stared at her, shocked. It was if she had climbed inside his head, and spoken every one of his thoughts out loud. He saw her eyes were brimming with tears and, before he even thought what he was doing, pulled her into an embrace. As her words echoed inside his head, it struck him how it was that she knew. It was not through a trick or spell, but through experience. She had had a friend who had turned against her. "You're talking about Severus, aren't you?" he asked her softly. "No matter how often you defended him, I never realised you had grown that close."
"He was the first I knew of the magical world" Lily said. "He was a good friend, or so I thought. But he has called me some hateful things, and turned to his new Slytherin friends. He knows so much about me, but now it seems we are to be enemies. I know how much it hurts to have someone you are close to do something awful. But it hurts me more, I think, that I know it cannot be reconciled. For as long as I live, I know that Severus will not want to be my friend again, and that is unbearable when we used to be so close. Remus" she said, her tone becoming firmer as her thoughts moved elsewhere. "You mustn't think I'm here to plead Sirius' case. I can see how badly he hurt you, and only you can decide whether or not your friendship can recover. You know that Sirius and I used to struggle to be as much as civil to one another, but I always knew that he was not a bad person, underneath it all. The difference I see between his actions and what Severus did to me is that Sirius regrets what he did."
"James says that all Sirius wanted to do was to scare Severus, not to harm me" Remus said, after a moment. "I can believe that. But I don't understand how he thought it would turn out. You know, I don't think he thought at all. He's so rash. If he just stopped to think for a moment, I'm sure he wouldn't have done it. But can I trust that he won't do something worse next time?"
"I don't know" Lily said sadly. "He will have to prove himself to you, but I don't know how he can."
"That's the problem" Remus replied, sighing heavily. He tightened his grip around her and leant his head against her shoulder. "Thank Merlin you understand, Lily. I've been going crazy keeping this inside."
They sat like that, unmoving, for what could have been hours. Remus found that he was finally starting to relax. The difference it had made to have someone just be there for him was indescribable. He felt his inner calm begin to return, smoothing out the angry knot that his stomach had tied itself into weeks ago. "When you see them later" Remus said, his voice sounding loud after the long silence. "Say that I'm getting there. I'm not ready yet to be as we were, but I'm ready to try again. It has been awful, these past weeks, and I don't want to go through that again. If I can't be strong enough to try to repair this friendship, I'll never make it when I'm out in the real world. It'll take time, Lily, but I know now how much it hurts to live without friends. I have to give this a chance. I can't forget it ever happened, but I need to move past this before I tear myself apart."
There were tears in Lily's green eyes, but her smile was bright. "I'm glad" she said. "I would hate to see a friendship that was as strong as yours be destroyed forever. I hope that Sirius has learned his lesson, for I would hate to have to murder one of James' best friends." She hugged Remus tightly. "You'll come in soon?" she asked him. "It's getting cold out here."
Remus smiled, the first real smile since that awful night. "I promise" he told her.
Lily stood and brushed off her skirt. Turning away, she paused and looked back. "You have to be the nicest person I have ever met" she said, smiling softly as Remus blushed and then waving as she began to walk away.
"Lily!" Remus called after her, waiting until she turned before adding: "Thanks for coming to find me."
Lily shrugged. "I missed having someone around who was able to have a normal conversation" she replied, smiling. "See you later, Remus."
Remus leant back against the wall of the tower again and was soon lost in thought. This time, though, he felt safe. The time spent with Lily was a lifeline flung to him to cling to in the stormy seas that, while still choppy, were calming down. It would take time, but at last he could see that things might just work out. At long last, he felt in control again.