fic: There's Glitter On The Floor (SPN AU, Gen, PG-13)
Title: There's Glitter On The Floor
Author:sikeminatural
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2000
Characters: Sam. Dean, OFC,...Ke$ha?
Summary: Sam catches Glerpes. Dean despairs. A lot.
Written for nanoks Supernatural competition
Prompt: Glitter
(I have nothing against Kesha she just amuses me LOL)
Disclaimer: The songs and lyrics don't belong to me! All artists belong to themselves and are not factually represented in anyway.
Dean's never been a fan of glitter. Glitter is like the stationary equivalent of a craziness. Once it sticks to you it's a bitch to get off. Yet, he and Sam find himself find themselves in the bedroom of a 12 year old girl who's vanished suspiciously. Along with 12 others. Which can never be a good thing. Dean's not one to judge but...this girl has glitter all over her room, 12 ke$ha posters and...like a life-size doll. Which isn't creepy at all. So he's not surprised that she's vanished. If this was his room, he'd have run away months ago.
"So, she didn't say anything suspicious at all?" Sam says like this is any other case. The girl's mother sniffs and dabs at her eyes with a glittery handkerchief and Dean just shakes his head sadly. Glitter is contagious.
"She said that she woke up in the morning feeling like PDiddy, which was what she usually says," her mother says and Dean just blinks.
"It's a song lyric from Tik Tok..." Sam explains and Dean just glares at him...know-it-all.Besides...who in their right mind wants to wake up feeling like PDiddy?
"Maybe we should check his lair!" he says sarcastically because, seriously? 1. The glitter is getting to him and 2. He's fucking hungry. All 13 girls have been obsessive Ke$ha fans...as far as Dean is concerned, they're better off somewhere else. Far, far away from all humanity.
Sam of course doesn't see it this way,
"You could have been more considerate Dean! That woman doesn't know where her daughter is! She was upset!" Sam says and Dean rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, so upset that she asked us to give her a naked striptease complete with glitter body paint" he replies, "She even poured the bottle all over you!" Sam just shrugs and starts to shift about in his seat. Dean just looks at him and he prays that Sam hasn't caught Glitteritis. Or
Glerpes. Whatever the hell you want to call it.
***
Dean doesn't really start taking this case seriously until; he walks into the motel room and sees Sam dancing to "Take It Off". And, he's barely getting over that when he realises that Sam is wearing a sleeveless pink shirt and tight, skinny jeans. And he's covered in what Dean thinks is glitter. He walks back out of the room and rubs his eyes a few times. He goes back to the car and he eats his cheeseburger there. It's just a horrible daydream, he tells himself. His little brother hasn't caught Glitteritis. Or Glerpes.
After he's washed down his burger with a flat Coke – he blames Sam for that by the way – he tries the whole walking into his motel room thing again. And he sees that Sam is now...curling his eyelashes. He blinks and then watches as Sam applies glitter mascara.
"What the hell are you doing?" he finally asks. Sam turns to look at him and Dean can already tell that he's about to lie.
"I'm going undercover, to help solve the case" he lies and Dean fears the worst.
"You're lying!"
"Am not!"
"Those are your lying eyes Sam! They're covered in...gunk but they're still your lying eyes!"
***
So, Sam eventually realises that now he has Glerpes - "It's not called Glerpes Dean" - this is the only way that they can solve the case. He does a Google search on Glitter cults and the most prominent one seems to be this GlitterKitties group. Dean laughs for like half an hour when he realises that Sam is being possessed by his inner Glitter Kitty. Sam replays him by blasting out Blah Blah Blah until his ears bleed.
Dean hates him.
So the first thing Sam has to do is go to a Ke$ha concert and get some kind of stamp on his hand. Dean promises him that he'll bring the anti-bacterial hand gel along with them. Sam demands a portable shower that's covered in glitter and Dean quickly bundles him into the Impala. He doesn't really know how fast Glerpes spreads but the need to do the initiation crap within the next two days. There's only so much ke$ha that he can take.
"Hey, can I turn the radio on?" Sam asks as they're driving to the closest kesha concert they could find. Dean just pretends not to hear him, it's easier.
"Dean!"
Dean still doesn't answer.
"DEEEEEEEEEEEEAAN" Dean barely refrains from banging his head against the steering wheel. He thought that Sam being possessed by a demon was bad. Turns out that Sam being possessed by evil glitter is even worse.
Sam (after's he's finished whining for about an hour) insists that they can sort this out by going to the concert without him being initiated by any GlitterKitties. Dean is kind of disappointed. He wanted to meet some GlitterKitties!
They get to the concert arena and Sam runs off to the bathroom to reapply his glitter. Dean just rolls his eyes and starts to fiddle with Sam's ipod. No way is he listening to ke$ha songs for two hours. He starts to scroll down to the L-section when he realises that Sam has now Led Zeppelin! How is he related to the giant idiot? Dean keeps on scrolling through and eventually he settles for Bon Jovi. He's halfway through Who Says You Can't Go Home when he hears some dude going on about how his glittery denim jacket has vanished. Dean rolls his eyes, and you know, he's not one to judge but doesn't that dude have any self-respect? Then, again Sam has glerpes too. He can't even pin it down as being a pre-teen thing.
"Hey, Dean - put this on" Sam emerges from the bathroom at last and hands Dean a denim jacket. It's glittery. Dean barely resists the urge to bang his head against the wall.
As they're walking past the dude yells,
"Dude! Sweet jacket! I have one just like it! Or well I did," Dean just scowls at him and reaches to pull his gun out. Sam grabs him and hurries them forward,
"Remember what we said Dean!" he says, "You are not allowed to shoot anyone who isn't evil or the Glerpes God!"
Dean huffs and turns up I Want To Be Loved.
Dean's been doing a sort of shuffling thing for about thirty minutes when Sam's ipod starts to crackle. Sam assures that he has a plan and really Dean would like to hear what it is. Judging by how into the concert Sam is, Dean's convinced that he's been had. But to be honest, he has to admit that there is some sort of evil force at work here due to the fact that the other 6,999 people in the arena are all doing a synchronised movement, including Ke$ha (it's not like she was going to sing LIVE anyway).
So when the music from the ipod cuts out Dean freezes. Then kicks back to life. But it's not Bon Jovi anymore.'Go insane Go insane' What the fuck? Dean shakes the ipod and tries turning down the volume. 'Throw some glitter. Make it rain on 'em' Seriously! Dean tries to rip the earphones out of his ears but they won't budge! 'Let me see them hands Let me, let me see them hands'.Using all of his effort, he manages to get the earphones out and he throws Sam's ipod onto the floor and starts to smash it up with his boot. Not that anyone notices. They're all doing the weird dance. It's kind of creepy. According to the research Sam did, halfway through the concert they do Glitteral Cleansing. Dean has to ignore how gross that sounds.
Sam shoots him a look and Dean finds himself doing the creepy ass dance. Once this job is done he's forbiding Sam from listening to Ke$ha or associating himself with Glitter. There's only so much he can take, and he's not sure if this surpasses the time when Sam insisted that they stalk Britney's tour. Somehow, Sam had convinced Kevin Federline to do an impromptu rap for them backstage. Dean still has nightmares about it.
AsBlah, Blah Blahcomes on these panels on the ceiling open up and water pours out. There's lot's of hissing sounds and Dean looks around to see all the concert goers writhing around in pain. Now they know how he feels! But Sam happens to be one of them so, Dean has to figure out what do next. His phone bleeps and he takes it out and see that Sam has sent him a text.
get to the dj and play the track marked with DSTRY$.
also, the dj is the glitter god in case you're too stupid to work it out.
Dean huffs, Sam's always been a pissy bitch anyway.
But Dean has to admit that the holy water thing is pretty neat. He pushes his way through the crowd as Ke$ha's voice drones on and on as people cover their ears, their faces screwed up in pain. He reaches the front and climbs onto the stage and reaches the DJ. Who turns out to be...in the form of someone over the age of 75. Really? Dean has to beat the shit out of some old lady who could pass for his grandma? As he has that thought, the old lady jumps up and fly kicks Dean, sending him flying backwards. Dean is momentarily stunned. He just hopes that Sam didn't see. He looks around for something that he can knock her out with, because...he can't beat up some old lady that's possessed by glitter. It would just be immoral, Glitter is contagious, it's not her fault that she's some sort of serial Glerpes machine.
Dean spots the mike stand and he grabs and swings it across her face as she lunges towards him. It connects with her face and she goes down. Dean feels kinda bad. But when the track changes back to Blow, he starts to worry. He's Dean fucking Winchester, he is not (repeat - not) dying at a Ke$ha concert. He'd rather die. Elsewhere of course. He runs over the the decks and flips the switch that plays the track that Sam told him to play. He sighs with relief as Sam's voice reads out some sort of exorcism. He kinds of wants to throw up though when a huge of swarm of glitter swirls around the room before disappearing suddenly. Only God knows where all of it has been.
Sam comes up to him with a smug look on his face and yeah okay, Sam pretty much solved this one single-handedly but Dean did his bit. He did synchronised dancing to Ke$ha songs. He deserves a damn medal. He deserves to wake up in the morning with PDiddy 's bank balance. There's a swarm of girls around Sam and Dean realises that it's the 13 girls who'd gone missing. Dean briefly wonders how they're all going to fit into the Impala.
In the end, they end up taking Ke$ha's tour bus to drop the girls back home. On the way, Dean has to endure 5 sing-alongs to Tik Tok, 3 to We R Who We R and one particularly distastrous one to Take It Off.
It's worse than torture.
And he's pretty sure that Sam's been hitting on Ke$ha for the past hour. He's not sure who to warn - Sam, to take a lot of showers because of all the gunk she's covered in. Or KeSha about how anyone Sam has sex with never lives to tell the tale. He's on his way back from the bathroom when he stumbles and his hand catches something. He feels something on his hand and he frowns and then...(he doesn't scream like a girl or anything but) he screams.
"SAM, GET OUT HERE NOW!"
Sam doesn't answer. Dean's covered in glitter and Sam isn't answering.
Omg, he's going to catch Glerpes.
Shit.
FIN.