She woke up screaming.
Once again.
"Shh, it's okay now Katniss." I whispered in ear gently. "It's not real. I'm here."
"No. You're wrong Peeta." She whispered back harshly to me. "It was real. It is real."
I sighed and rubbed soothing circles on her arms with my thumbs. "What was it this time?"
I feel her shiver. "I saw him die. I saw it replaying over, and over, and over again, knowing that it was my fault."
Who was she talking about? I couldn't tell exactly from what she had told me, but I could take some guesses. "Was it Cato?"
"No." she said quietly. I didn't think that it would be Cato. She wasn't hunted as much by her first games anymore.
"Cinna?" She didn't see him die, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't blame herself. She told me that the last time she had seen Cinna was before the beginning of the Quarter Quell, beaten, gashed, and bloody.
"No." she said again quietly.
"Boggs?" That one I didn't think was plausible, but Katniss thought that everyone who died in the rebellion is dead because of her.
"No." Another wrong guess of mine.
"Messala?" Watching the gold mist melt him skin, muscle, bones, and all would have been traumatizing to her and probably engraved it into her mind forever. I know that it's engraved into mine forever.
"No."
There are so many more people that I could probably name off, but I know who she's really thinking of. I knew all along before I even started guessing. "Is it Finnick?" I whisper softly. She gave me a shaky nod before she buried her face into my chest, muffled sobs emanating from her. I sigh, not knowing what to do now. No matter what I say she never believes me when I tell her that Finnick's death wasn't her fault.
Because it was her fault.
Because she's the one who held out the berries in our first games, she's the one that shot the arrow at the force feild in our second games, and because she was the one to start the rebellion.
She was the Mockingjay.
I can't tell her that though. She already knows it, so what use it to try and convince her otherwise. I have to try though, what kind of person would I be if I didn't? I used to think before that the deaths of the people in the rebellion weren't her fault, and in a way they aren't. People like Messala, Boggs, Cinna, Finnick; they all knew what they were signing up for. They all knew the risks and they all knew that there was the possibility that they might die.
But the death of my family, of most of 12, of the countless of innocent citizens, those were her fault. Because she was the one that ignited the spark. She was the one who drove Snow to kill them.
"It's not your fault Katniss." I lie to her softly. "Finnick's death is not your fault."
"Yes. It is." She cries as she takes her head away from my chest. "Because of me Annie is now without a husband and Liam is now fatherless. All because I had to be so selfish and try to kill Snow, and I didn't even succeed. I never killed him, not even when I was supposed to. Instead I shot Coin dead. It's my fault that those lizards were in the city, because I started the rebellion, it's my fault that they killed Finnick, because I forgot that he was still down in the sewer. It's my entire fault."
"No Katniss, it's not. Finnick knew what he was doing. He knew that becoming a part of the rebellion would mean that he could die. He knew that and still followed you. We all knew that you were lying, that there was no secret mission to kill Snow. We all knew that you were planning to escape from the group and find Snow even before Boggs died. We all knew and we still followed you. It's not you fault."
Am I a bad person because I lie to her? I don't know. But it's to protect her own sanity and well being, so that means that it's justified, right?
"Go back to sleep now Katniss." I tell her gently as she stops crying. "You're safe, I'll protect you."
Another lie. How can I protect her from the dreams that haunt her in her sleep?
"Thank you Peeta." She sighs. "I know that you'll protect me. You always have." She slips away into the land of dreams, and I wonder what she meant. How have I always protected her? I tried to kill her, have almost gotten her killed, and have done every single thing except protect her. So what did she mean by the fact that I have always protected her? I don't know, and I follow her into the land of dreams not knowing.
"Hello Peeta."
"Hello Riper, how's business going?" I asked her politely.
"Quite well, booming actually. There's been more requests for liquor since…" her voice trailed off into the distance and her grey eyes got a distant look to them. I didn't need to ask why. Since the end of the rebellion people bought alcohol more often to drown their sorrows of losing friends and family.
"I'm here to make one of those requests myself." I sighed while pulling the bag full of money from my pocket.
"For Haymitch?" She asked knowingly.
"No actually," I said taking her by surprise. "It's for Katniss."
Ripper's eyebrows shot up into her black hair. "Katniss? Really?" She asked surprised.
"Yes. She's been having trouble sleeping."
"Have you considered sleep syrup? Alcohol is a slightly dangerous thing to use to put someone to sleep, as well as slightly counter-productive." She questioned seriously.
"I've already tried sleep syrup." I said in a weary voice. "It works, but she became too dependent on it and people started to run out of it with the amount of times that I had to go buy it for her."
"It's really that bad is it?"
"Ya. I've turned to alcohol as my last resort. I've only seen her drunk a couple of times, and each time she falls to sleep like a baby."
"But alcohol won't keep away the nightmares Peeta."
I stared at her in shock as her grey eyes held my blue ones firmly. "How did you…"
"Know? I have them myself." She laughed bitterly. "Not as bad as you, Katniss, and Haymitch have them that's for sure, but bad enough that I turned to my alcohol at one point. It works at first, but after a while it only makes things worse. Unless you're Haymitch that is, he seems to be able to drink himself into oblivion and not experience nightmares."
That's where she's wrong. Haymitch was plagued by nightmares. That's why he still slept with a knife in his hand. I think he hoped that it would chase the bad dreams away, but why would it? They were such horrible things, much more horrible than a knife. A knife causes you pain only in the moment, but eventually the pain would leave only a faint scar to let you know that it had once been in there. But dreams, dreams are forever. No matter what the images you see in your sleep stay lodged within your mind, trapped, playing over and over to torment you at any given chance.
I wretched myself away from such thoughts, I was talking to Ripper right now for Katniss. Now was not the time for me to be thinking such morbid thoughts. "So, is there anything that can keep away the nightmares then Ripper?"
"There is one thing." She said slightly hesitant.
"What is it?"
"A dream catcher."
"A what?" I asked confused.
"It's something that was created before the time of the districts and Panem. It normally a circle with thread woven into a pattern of a spider web, with a jewel of some sort in the middle. It's supposed to let the good dreams pass through the jewel while trapping the nightmares in the web."
It sounded slightly far-fetched to me, but I was out of options. "How much?"
"For you, free."
My eyes bugged. "Are you sure Ripper? You aid that there was a jewel in the middle of it, isn't that expensive?"
She waved a hand in dismissal. "It's the least I can do to thank Katniss for freeing me from Snow." She tried to say it casually, but her body became rigid, her tone strained, and her eyes, they became filled with pain.
"Thanks you Ripper." I whispered softly as she handed me the item.
It was a circle made of wood, but it had been painted blue as the sea. Thread was woven through it so that it did look like a spider web, and the jewel in the middle was green as the grass in the Meadow would get in the summertime. I hoped that it would work.
"What is this Peeta?" Katniss asked intrigued as she held the dream catcher up to the light.
"It's a dream catcher; it's supposed to keep away nightmares." I explained to her.
She wrapped her arms around me. "I personally don't see how this little thing will keep away the nightmares, but it's worth a shot. Thanks Peeta."
I kissed the top of her head gently. "You're welcome Katniss."
We went to sleep and she didn't wake up at all during the night. Not even once. I would have to give Ripper something special. The dream catcher was amazing, and it really worked.