The fluorescent bulbs flicker on to reveal a morbidly obese man in a blood stained muscle shirt bursting at the seams.
"Please I'm sorry it wasn't my fault."
A white faced lad with neat white blonde hair in a black hoodie strode into the light holding a wooden baseball bat riddled with teeth and bone fragments. "Did I ask who's fault it was you blithering idiot? No let me stop you from answering that question as it's rhetorical. Now where were we? The knees? Or perhaps the eyes? Look up real quick."
A hand appears from the darkness and grabs hold of the hooded boys shoulder. "Now now Edward there's no reason to get so needlessly violent. You should have made sure that your alarm was set to go off." Following these words a tanned face emerges beneath a black suit with a red tie down the middle and a golden blond hair slicked back over the boy's scalp.
"Jack if we're going to blame anyone we should blame Gir...or Cody."
"HEY!" A metal drawer slid out and a slab fell into the light. On the slab lay a little robot softly snoring in a green dog outfit with the head thrown off and a boy with wild golden blonde hair wearing a shredded kneed pair of pants and a plain black t-shirt. "I will not be blamed for something that was clearly my fault." He stares down at the sleeping robot. "Gir wake up."
"Oo and while we're at it why don't we wake you know who?" the tan boy cried.
The pale boy in the black hoodie sighed "Wait a minute, didn't we already do this before?"
The wild haired boy nodded "Yeah this definitely feels familiar."
A black vapor rose into the air above the three conversing teens whereas they looked to the source. The little robot was mashing soap and wasabi into a now burning waffle set into the open cavity of a man's stomach which housed a fire nestled into the spine.
"Damnit Gir, did you rip the space time continuum again." the tan boy groaned.
The hooded boy just rolled his eyes "Let's just start the story already...again."
"Well deja vu is certainly a headahce. But at least production will be up this time right?"
"Very good Cody it appears that your head is of more use housing your brain than holding flowers... Jack you owe me twenty bucks this time."
"Well let's tell the folks the good news. We're reopening this story. It's back and better than ever. It's a better representation in this reiteration."
"Yeah so be good and remember to smile smile smile." The fat man's mouth was wrenched open and a clamp is put on one of his teeth. Fade to... "Wait, wait, wait. Let's let them see all the lovely gore this time."
"No no no, this is not that kind of program, besides I'm only going to see it because I have to."
This is an alternate universe etc. etc. Any and all characters belong to Cartoon Network, the soul sucking demons known on ring 6 of hell as foul tormenting greed monsters and who the dark prince himself refers to as "cheeky dickwaffles". It should be ridiculously obvious that this is a change and I hope you enjoyed the new lines converting a hiatus to a reintroduction...for those of you who read it. As for those of you who liked my original telling of this tale I shall leave it intact even going so far as to rename this one for your convenience, however this will be the only story that gets more chapters the original iteration will remain unfinished. Now please sit back relax and enjoy!
Two years. A mind warping seven hundred and thirty days since Eddward had begun running. Even if it wasn't the easiest thing to do he knew that it was the most reasonable. Outside of the rickety red box car light zipped by in a blur of color. The sock hat wearing teen clutched at the ant jars he held so dear as he wondered when the train would finally dock with the station. In the corner opposite Edd lay a large mass of flesh and blood. The stinking thing was covered by little more than a trench coat and it's face was mangled up in a nearby broken bottle.
"A lesson the ruffian would've learned in a timely fashion I'm sure. Levying such a burdensome tax on his fellow travelers, where are the morals in today's culture, I ask you?" Edd muttered to nobody in particular. "I believe I have as much dispensation to exploit the lack of security personnel safeguarding the contents of this locomotive. Perchance even more of a right?"
Edd felt the train lurch through another turn and checked the blood covered pocket watch he'd earned only an hour before. 'If my calculations are correct,' Eddward thought as he stood and moved to the opening of the box car. 'I should most definitely depart this infernal contraption...NOW!'
Edd leaped from the train smiling as his perfect calculations flew him towards a body of water. Minutes later Edd drug himself up onto the shore of the small river. He had tried to find a place to hunker down that was so far out of the way that they'd never find him. He stared up at the billboard and smirked in the knowledge that he'd found it. The billboard had writing in bold letters that clearly stated 'Welcome to Peach Creek.'
Ed's father had been an "all purpose mechanic". His mother stayed home to take care of him and his little sister, Sarah. When he wasn't reading comics or watching horror films he was either playing with his younger sibling or learning how to be a handyman like his wise and masculine parental unit. By the time Ed was ten he knew more about horror movies and general maintenance than most handymen and movie critics learn (or care to learn) in a lifetime. When Ed turned thirteen he and his sister decided to celebrate by playing at the old railroad crossing down by the creek. The afternoon had gone so brilliantly and Ed was so busy packing their belongings for the homeward journey that he never saw Sarah fall. As fate would have it Ed turned around just in time to be horribly scarred with the image of his baby sister being turned into mince meat by a train. A stray hand flying away to land on his shoe seeming to cling to him one last time from beyond the grave.
After this horrible event struck the family his father cracked completely and his mother stopped caring, about anything. They walked around the house like zombies completely ignoring their bills, their needs, and even their own son. It got so bad that finally they were reduced to stumbling around in an alley not even bothering to search for enough cardboard to shelter them from the rain.
Ed, mentally broken by what he'd seen retreated into his horror games and became obsessed with roleplaying a member of the living dead. One day his obsession got out of control and he took up a characters personality completely replacing his own. When the large oaf grew to the age of fifteen he suddenly seemed to drift from the false reality he had created around himself and instead adopted a goofy grin and stopped thinking about things so hard.
He waltzed his way through seven state lines to a place that his dad had once boasted about someday moving after they had enough money in the bank to move out of the smog ridden city's cramped apartment complexes. The subdivision had beautiful houses up and down block after block but only one looked just abandoned enough to be safe in. Ed Took refuge in the large musty house and quickly got to work making the place slightly more liveable. Somewhere in his gut he felt that he was about to get visitors, he needed to hurry.
Eddy had grown up in an orphanage, he never played with the other children instead finding that his passion was in deceit and monetary gain. Eddy left the orphanage at the age of eight growing weary of the cheap jingle of coin and longing for the thick and gentle rustle of paper. He grew up learning from random hustlers until he perfected the art of skillfully taking what wasn't his, be it through a shell game con or straight from the victim's pocket. The young lad had a slight height disorder and at first found it very off-putting to be talked down to as though he were a child but quickly learned to use the small physique to his advantage stealing and conning to his heart's content without fear of punishment. Then one day when he was fourteen the cops came for Eddy, one too many turned pockets in the wealthier part of town, it seems did not go unnoticed. After leading the constabulary on an elaborate chase and losing them by faking his own demise the littlest conman did what any smart criminal would do in his position, he disappeared.
Whistling as he walked down the pedway Eddy spotted what looked like a kid sized whino wandering his way. He stopped and looked around to see if anyone else was around. "Excuse me good sir." He cried out.
The hobo looked up (or rather down) and came face to face with the shortest preteen he'd ever seen. Oh Eddward could tell that he was older than he looked it was a world weary air that exuded in a near noxious manner but something else in his manner as well. Something he couldn't yet describe, so he decided to play along. "Why hello there little boy how are you tonight?"
Eddy mentally rubbed his hands together in fiendish delight. "Well you see mister I'm lost. I can't find my mommy." Eddy said tearing up. "Please hold me." He screamed leaping to hug the vagrant.
Eddy stopped midair by the vagabond's hand and brought back down to earth only to see the look on the sock hatted kids face. "First and foremost in mind is the undeniable fact that this is an upscale neighborhood, far too upper crust for a child of your apparent age to be out on his own. Secondly though to the untrained eye it may not appear so, I can certainly determine that you are older than you present yourself and my final point being that wealthy children do not embrace the derelict with open arms and warm grins give up this pointless charade in your attempt to procure some paltry sum of currency from one so humble as myself before my patience wears too delicate to accommodate congenial interaction."
Eddy's face returned to normal as he wiped dirt off of his new bowling shirt (stolen from a department store up the road.) and fixed his gaze on the stranger. "Well I guess I gotta congratulate you most people aren't smart enough ta figure me right away. Judging by your threads I'd guess that you're homeless and it's a cinch to figure out that you ran away from home. What happened daddy stop tucking you in at night?"
Edd smiled sadly, "Actually my parental figure made the grievous error of leaving the door to the basement unsecured."
"Huh?"
Edd raised his shirt to reveal scars and welts. Even after two years of healing the bruises were still visible at least in his mind. "I received less than exemplary marks on my report card you see a B in fact as such it was deemed a punishable offence in his eyes, thus I was escorted to the dirty crawlspace that passed for a basement. When father approached me with a cane for what seemed the hundredth time for what seemed quite the minor offence I procured a blade from one of his other punishment implements and managed to rend a hole in his jugular vein exactly at the point where it crosses the subclavian artery. It has been quite the protrated journey ever since. And what of your life, how do you find yourself in the predicament of finding an obviously homeless and practically peniless runaway to be worth your time and talent to attempt to fleece for monetary gain?"
"Ripped a couple families off then faked my own death and ran from the cops."
"Well it would appear that we find ourselves in quite a frustrating pickle and as we share similar needs, shelter nourishment and the like, I propose that for tonight at least it would be in both of our best interests to work in equal cooperation for mutual benefit."
"Hey dude let's get one thing straight I ain't like that."
"I never implied that you were anything outside of the social norm though I dislike your disparagement of a people based on a proclivity that can hardly be controlled. I must admit that I do not have such a peculiarity within my being either but I digress this is a well manicured neighborhood and without my intelligence your survival cannot be guaranteed in this settlement. For instance I would postulate that you haven't a solitary notion were you might rest for the night."
"Sure I do I'll just bunk down in a shelter."
"We're nearly sixteen point one kilometers from the nearest established refuge for the les fortunate."
"Dog house?"
"And risk a member of the canine family discovering your precense and making a meal of your rather minute anatomy?"
"Okay smart guy what's your brilliant plan."
Eddward fluttered his hand in a grand gesture toward the house directly beside them.
"Pfft like that's such a great idea I coulda come up with that."
"However might I point out that you failed to do so despite the obvious nature of this properties abandonment." Edd retorted as he walked up the path to the porch. "Are we in agreement?"
Eddy grunted in frustration "Yeah okay, you got yourself a deal."
Edd and Eddy both crept in to the house after nudging open the creaky old door. They were walking towards the stairs when all of a sudden the lights sprang to life. Eddy squeaked slightly at the intrusion of illumination, whilst Eddward merely set his satchel of jars on the ground. A thumping was heard from the stairs and the two boys watched curiously as a third housemate appeared right before their eyes.
This new boy smiled vacantly as he put his arms out to his sides before wrapping the two into a tight bear hug and yelling "It's so good to be home huh guys."
"Do we know you tall annoying and stupid." Eddy yelled
"Nope. But I can fix that my names Ed and I am pleased to meet you new friends."
"Greetings Ed I am Eddward spelled with two d's and this is... beg pardon but I do not believe that we have truly been acquainted as I still lack a name by which to address you."
"It's Eddy. Now put me down lumpy!" Eddy screamed as he wriggled and writhed.
"Okay dokey." Ed agreed as he dropped the two resulting in them getting tangled in a heap on the ground.
As Eddward and Eddy gently stood disentangling their limbs careful so as not to sprawl upon the floor once more, they followed Ed who seemed to be moving about the house in a pointed manner. All the while they looked left and right staring in wonderment at the houses dusty belongings. The spacious house was filled with odd and grim baubles and white sheet covered furniture. The previous owner had obviously been either an eccentric billionaire or a psychotic mass murderer perhaps both, it is rather hard to tell sometimes but we're getting ahead of ourselves.
"There's plenty of rooms here guys just pick whichever one you wanna stay in and tell me. I'll have a bed moved in there in a jiffy. Oh and just so you know this house is filled with secret passages in the walls so if you ever need to find the pancake mix be careful which knob you pull."
"Intriguing and how did you perchance come upon this knowledge?"
"Silly double D I read the blue print in the basement." Ed smiled
Eddward frowned at Ed "It's a bit early to be giving me a nickname isn't it? Although I like the sound of that one. Double D. It's got kind of a ring to it."
Eddy got in front of the two and stopped them "Look I don't mean to be rude here but it's the middle of the school year how are we all going to be able to get away with living in this house without being arrested for truancy or busted for not having any adults living here?"
"Very astute of you, Eddy was it? Not to bloviate but I am quite skilled at forgery among other things. We'll quite simply build ourselves three false identities, assign ourselves to a nearby establishment of education, procure this property, and turn over a new leaf if you will pardon the clichéd expression."
"AGREED." Ed yelled throwing his hand between the three.
"Indeed." Double D nodded.
They both turned to stare at Eddy as he slowly contemplated what was being offered. "Alright I'm in."