Title: Payback

Author: chiarahhue

Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language

Spoilers: No particular episodes

Pairing: Zelenka/Kavanaugh friendship

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate: Atlantis or any of the characters. They belong to MGM. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.

For: wiseheart who requested "Radek teams up with Kavanaugh to teach a third party a lesson. Possible victims: Sheppard, Weir, McKay, Lorne. Humor encouraged.

Summary:Zelenka and Kavanaugh find they have revenge in common when it comes to Rodney McKay.

Notes: As many have done before me, I took the liberty of using the actor's name Chuck Campbell for the gate console technician.

- Early morning in the lab -

Miko yawned and blinked, trying to focus her eyes on the early morning diagnostics she was running. She glanced up nervously as the doors to the lab slid open, then relaxed as Chuck stepped in, a steaming mug in his hand.

"I didn't see you at breakfast," he said, walking over to her work station. "so I thought I'd bring you a little something."

She accepted the cup of hot tea with a grateful sigh, her face brightening as he produced a napkin and with a flourish revealed two small fruit buns.

"I noticed you liked these so I snagged a couple for you."

With a shy smile, she picked one up and took a dainty bite. "You are as kind as you are observant, Sgt. Campbell."

"I guess I'm just an observant kind of guy." Leaning in, he added, "And its okay to call me Chuck in public…everyone knows we're dating."

Miko blushed and pursed her lips primly. "Off duty, yes. But…"

"Actually, I'm not on duty for another twenty minutes," he interjected. "And if you want to get technical, I happen to know that you're not scheduled to work for another hour and a half."

"You know my schedule?" She paused in surprise, her cup halfway to her lips.

Chuck grinned smugly. "I know everyone's schedule." He glanced around the lab, taking in all the scientists busy at their stations. "For instance, only Dr. Mueller should be here this early." He turned back to her and raised an eyebrow. "So what are all of you trying to avoid by coming in so early? Or should I ask who?"

Miko chewed her lower lip indecisively.

"C'mon, you can tell me," he coaxed. Reaching out he gently patted her hand. "It's pretty obvious that McKay has recently done something to royally piss off Radek and Kavanaugh."

Miko nodded, looking down at her cup of tea. "It is very bad this time, Chuck." she said worriedly. "I do not think I have ever seen Dr. Zelenka and Dr. Kavanaugh so angry."

"But why? By all accounts, the off-world assignment they were on was a big success. The trade negotiations with the Tevans went well…the kitchen is thrilled with all the fresh foods…and I heard the Tevans were so pleased that they threw a big banquet to thank Dr. Weir and McKay…" he paused as realization hit him. "Is that what this is about? Radek and Kavanaugh are mad because they did the work and McKay took the credit? So what's new?"

"No, there is more. Updating the Tevan's waste management system was what Dr. Weir offered in exchange for food. Dr. Zelenka and Dr. Kavanaugh stayed up all night to come up with a solution. When Dr. McKay looked their schematic over, he insisted they come to Teva with him to supervise the update. But Dr. Kavanaugh hates to leave the lab and you know how Dr. Zelenka feels about going off-world."

Chuck nodded. "But McKay knew Radek would go out of respect for Dr. Weir and despite how Kavanaugh feels about her, his ego wouldn't let him stay behind and let Radek get all the credit."

"That is not all Dr. McKay knew," Miko said darkly. "From his briefings with Dr. Weir, he also knew that the Tevan engineers had very limited skills."

"Which is why he wanted Radek and Kavanaugh to supervise, right?"

"Oh, they ended up doing more than supervising." She held up her tiny hand like a mitten. "The Tevan peoples' hands are not like ours. Their engineers were not able to install the most critical components so Dr. Zelenka and Dr. Kavanaugh had to wade into the tunnel system and do it themselves." She wrinkled her nose delicately. "Those conduits routed the entire city's waste system."

Chuck frowned and then suddenly his eyes widened. "Oh shit!"

"Exactly. He basically tricked them into going so that he would not have to do the dirty work - literally."

"So all the while they're trudging hip-deep through crap, McKay is…"

"…being honored at a banquet and taking all the credit."

"They just need time to cool off." Chuck gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "I bet they'll be over it by the time McKay is back with Sheppard's away team."

Rising to his feet, he was about to say goodbye when the doors to the lab flew open and Radek and Kavanaugh stormed into the lab.

"Egotistical glory hog!"

"Blaznit!!"

"Moron!"

"Pitomec!"

"Self-centered son of a…."

"…cubci!"

Chuck watched in consternation as the two scientists began slamming and throwing things around the lab, causing the other scientists to scurry out of their way.

He tried calling out their names to get their attention but when the bilingual tirade didn't stop, he took a deep breath and putting two fingers into his mouth, blew a piercing whistle.

Both men stopped abruptly and turned to stare at the young man as if seeing him for the first time.

"Sgt. Campbell…what are you doing here?" Radek asked, blinking owlishly at him.

"Yeah, haven't you got work to do, Gateboy?" Kavanaugh added snidely.

"That's Sgt. Gateboy to you Kavanaugh. By the way, have you ever noticed how Teyla has a hard time keeping a straight face around you? Seems that the word kavanaw in Athosian means…" he grunted abruptly as he felt a small, sharp elbow jab him discreetly in the ribs.

"Sgt. Campbell, I believe you are due in the Gateroom shortly," Miko said pointedly. "I would not want you to be late on my account."

Even though Chuck wasn't actively involved in combat, he knew when to engage in a strategic retreat.

"Oh. Right. I'll see you at lunch then," he said, moving toward the door. As he passed Radek he paused. "Ever heard the saying: Don't get mad – get even?" He tipped his head toward Miko and said, "Ask about Antarctica."

Miko frowned in puzzlement as Chuck strode off and the doors closed behind him. "Antarctica?" she repeated. With a shake of her head, she picked up her cup of tea and turning back toward her computer, collided into Kavanaugh's chest. With a surprised squeal, she quickly backed up and stepped on Radek's foot.

"Oh! I am so sorry! I did not know you were both there!" She fluttered her hands helplessly as Radek hopped around on his good foot and Kavanaugh gasped and held the front of his tea soaked shirt away from his body. "Are you all right?"

"Are we all right? I probably have second degree burns on my chest and Zelenka is most likely maimed!" Kavanaugh replied shrilly.

"Mic!" Radek snapped. And even without translation, Kavanaugh got the jist and shut up.

"Now, Miko," Radek began as he hobbled closer. "What did Sgt. Campbell mean about Antarctica?"

"I do not know why he would want me to tell you about it." She shrugged her shoulders. "It was just a silly incident, Dr. Zelenka."

"Did it involve McKay by any chance?" Kavanaugh asked. As she nodded affirmatively, he also moved in closer. "So tell us about it."

She glanced around and seeing that the other scientists were occupied at their work stations, she leaned forward. "I will tell you," she said, lowering her voice. "but you must not repeat this to anyone!"

Both men bobbed their heads and leaned in toward her.

"It has to do with the nickname I gave him in Antarctica. Mochi Belly." Seeing the blank looks on their faces, she started to explain. "Mochi is a soft white dough made from…"

"Wait a minute…" Kavanaugh interrupted, his face suddenly going pale . "Er…this isn't going to be about some kind of sex thing with you and McKay, is it?"

There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Kavanaugh ducked as Miko took a swing at him but he wasn't quite fast enough to sidestep Radek's sharp slap to his shoulder. "Ow! Zelenka! What the hell was that for?"

"Because I could not reach the back of your thick turnip brain head to smack it!"

Kavanaugh held up both hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry! It's just that before you started dating Gateboy, I thought you had a crush on McKay and…" his voice faltered at the horrified expression on Miko's face.

"I have the greatest respect for Dr. McKay! He has a brilliant mind and unsurpassed intellect but I would never consider what you suggest. He is my superior…to engage in such behavior would be dishonorable!"

"Not to mention disgusting," Radek added under his breath.

"At least we're in agreement there," Kavanaugh stated wholeheartedly. "So how did he get his nickname?"

"I came to Antarctica with a science team from Japan," she began. "We worked with Dr. McKay on a project that required us to be away from the main base. It involved monitoring geo-static energy waves and in order to do so, the equipment needed to be staffed continuously so we all lived and slept in the same building as the equipment."

"McKay? 24/7?" Kavanaugh asked. "I hope you got hazardous duty pay."

Miko quirked a tiny small. "I must admit it was challenging. Dr. McKay was very demanding and my team was not accustomed to being shouted at and insulted.

We were almost finished with the project when Dr. McKay's supply of decaffeinated coffee ran out. We were too nervous to tell him so we just filled the empty can with regular coffee." She gestured to her tea cup. "We do not drink coffee and we did not know the difference."

Radek's eye went wide. "Dobry boze! I have seen Rodney go without coffee rather than drink regular."

Miko nodded. "I suspect it is because it makes him go..."she paused as she searched for the right words. "ah, yes…I think it is called sleep-walking."

"Oh." The two men exchanged a disappointed look and turned to walk away.

"I told you it was not important." Miko shrugged and returned her attention to her computer. "Dr. McKay does not even know of this nickname – it was just a joke among my teammates. I guess Chuck thought it was humorous because of Dr. McKay's underwear."

Both scientists stopped dead in their tracks and as one, turned and strode back to her station.

"What about McKay's underwear?"

She pushed her glasses back up her nose and looked from one man to the other. "I can only hypothesize from this one incident, but it would seem that Dr. McKay neither wears pajamas nor regulation issue underwear when he sleeps."

"Ha!" Radek clapped his hands together. "So that is how you saw his belly!"

"It was hard to miss." Miko made a face. "And he was not wearing the underwear that look like loose pants."

Kavanaugh made a gagging noise. "Oh my god…he wears tighty whities."

"No, they were actually yellow, not white and they had writing on the front. Chuck said it was a hamburger slogan. Let me think…" she pondered.

"Oh dear god," Kavanaugh muttered. "Don't let it be…"

"Home of the Whopper!" Miko crowed triumphantly.

She watched as the two men slowly sank to the floor, laughing so hard they could barely breathe. It was the same puzzling reaction Chuck had to her story. She shook her head. Maybe she should tell the story at the next Girl's Poker Night…surely someone there could explain the joke.

- Later that night -

"Did anyone see you come here?"

Kavanaugh shook his head as he slipped into Radek's quarters, quickly closing the door behind him. "God forbid. I certainly don't want any rumors getting started about us."

Radek blinked. "Us?"

"Just kidding!" Kavanaugh snorted. "You're not my type anyway."

"For that, I give thanks," Radek said, rolling his eyes heavenward. "Come and sit," he gestured to the extra chair at his desk. "We don't have much time…Colonel Sheppard's team is due back tomorrow afternoon."

"Right. So where are we in the plan?"

"I have the coffee for the lab ready to switch out."

"But how do we make sure he drinks that coffee rather than go to the mess?"

Radek rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "He has been away for three days – I am sure he will feel he needs to check on everything we've been doing."

Kavanaugh nodded. "We could make sure to have all the files on open projects on his desk."

"Maybe even tweak a couple of results to make him double check the data?"

"My data is always correct and McKay knows it!"

Radek slapped the desk. "But that's the point! If there is something amiss, it will catch his eye and make him want to check it further. Surely you can figure out a clever way to stall him."

"Why don't you mess with your own data?"

"Because I did my part and bartered for a can of regular coffee! Something you could not do because everyone in the kitchen dislikes you."

Kavanaugh sat with a mulish expression on his face.

"Come, come," Radek coaxed. "Surely you can devise a brilliant way to make it appear as if your data is incorrect even though it isn't."

The other man mulled it over for a moment and then finally nodded his head.

"Good. Now, how can we make sure Rodney's sleepwalking gets the maximum exposure?"

The two sat silently thinking for a few minutes.

"It would be ideal if the team arrived late at night," Kavanaugh began. "But not so late that McKay would want to go directly to bed."

"Right. We want Rodney to be up all night, reading the files and drinking coffee and then go to bed around dawn."

"A few hours of sleep will have him sleepwalking right at lunchtime." Kavanaugh rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Oh and I have some good news – I overhead two of the nurses chatting at lunch today. It seems they were laughing about McKay's last checkup. Evidently he's now partial to boxers with smiley faces on them."

"Good, good. I would rather see that than…what did you call them?"

"Tighty whities?"

Radek grimaced. "Yes, the mochi belly will be enough. Now, about the timing…" he pursed his lips thoughtfully and then suddenly brightened. "What if when Colonel Sheppard calls in, there is a problem with the gate console?"

"A problem?"

"Eh…a small problem," he gestured with his thumb and forefinger. "We would have to run a diagnostic to find it, of course…"

Kavanaugh grinned. "…One that would take a few hours at least."

"And the team is not in a hostile situation so we would not be putting them in danger with the delay…"

"…They would just have to hang out at the DHD until we're ready. Er, I mean, until the problem is resolved."

"One thing I must insist on though," Radek said firmly. "Whatever problem we devise must have a failsafe – if something goes wrong on the Colonel's side, I want to be able to quickly put the gate back online and get everyone through."

Kavanaugh nodded in agreement. "Considering Sheppard's record, that would be a distinct possibility."

"Which is exactly why I want to be prepared."

"So is there anything else we need to consider?"

"Well, there is one thing."

"Oh?"

"Doesn't it seem odd that in all this time, we've never heard about a single incidence of Rodney sleepwalking in Atlantis?"

Kavanaugh shrugged. "He's a thorough man – he knows he sleepwalks, so he makes sure he never drinks regular coffee."

"Yes, he IS a thorough man." Radek ran his hand though his hair, rumpling it further. "Which is why I cannot see him relying on the mess to never get the coffee mixed up."

"I guess that's why he always has his own pot of coffee going in the lab. It's his security…"

"That's it!" Radek snapped his fingers. Flipping open his laptop he began furiously typing.

"What are you doing?" Leaning over to peer at the screen, Kavanaugh's eyebrows shot upward. "You're hacking into the security system!"

"Shush. I am just looking."

"For what?"

"Ah ha!"

"What? What?"

Radek paused and peered over the top of his glasses. "Is that all you can say? What? What? You sound like an old crow."

"But…"

"Less talking, more thinking." He turned his laptop toward the other man and pointed at a code. "See this?"

Kavanaugh stared at the screen for a moment, then suddenly hooted. "He has a special security code on his quarters to keep from accidentally walking out in his sleep!"

He watched as Radek typed and then shut down the program. "Did you disable it?"

"No, just a one time malfunction and then the code resets," he explained. "And I made sure it would look like a glitch in the system if Rodney gets suspicious and tries to check it."

Closing his computer, he smiled. "I think we are done here."

- The fateful day -

Miko looked up and smiled as Chuck set his lunch tray down across from her. "Is everything all right now?"

"Yeah, the gate console is back to normal." He sat down and sighed. "I was really worried yesterday when the Colonel called in and the chevrons wouldn't lock properly." He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. "It was weird. Everything was fine until the Colonel called. Then suddenly the chevrons started to malfunction and then my console went down."

"I heard the Stargate was offline for over three hours."

Chuck nodded. "It was lucky that Dr. Z happened to be close by."

Miko paused as she stirred her soup. "Dr. Zelenka was there?"

"Both he and Kavanaugh were working on one of the secondary consoles when it happened." Reaching across the table he helped himself to her pudding cup. "So as soon as I had trouble, he rushed right over."

Miko shifted uneasily. The coincidence of events was too convenient. Something wasn't quite right but she just couldn't pin it down. Hearing familiar voices, she glanced at the next table and was surprised to find Radek and Kavanaugh having what appeared to be an amiable conversation.

"Hey, it looks like those two are getting on well," Chuck commented, his gaze following hers. "When did that happen?"

Miko narrowed her eyes and frowned slightly. "Oddly enough, I think it was after I told them about…"

Abruptly the mess became completely silent.

Looking back at Chuck, she found him staring wide-eyed at a point directly over her shoulder. Whipping her head around, she gasped and dropped her spoon.

There, calmly joining the lunch line with tray in hand, was a completely naked Rodney McKay.

Every eye in the mess watched as he selected a few dishes, added two jello cups and then leisurely strolled out without a word to anyone.

Miko looked over at the next table, not at all surprised to find Kavanaugh and Radek red-faced and gasping for breath.

"Dobry boze!" Radek uttered, wiping the tears from his eyes. "We never considered that in the privacy of his own quarters…"

"…McKay sleeps commando!" Kavanaugh hiccupped. "Oh my lord…I may have to gouge my eyes out!"

The two stood, looked at each other and then burst out laughing again.

"C'mon, Zelenka…we better get back to the lab before McKay wakes up."

Chuck watched them leave and then turned to Miko. "Remind me never to piss those two off."

"I too should go," Miko said as she rose to her feet. "Dr. Zelenka and Dr. Kavanaugh might need help to cover their tracks."

As she walked back to the lab, she smiled to herself. She would have to write her former teammates one day and tell them McKaysan now had a new nickname – Mochi Butt.

The End