a parody of "Polka Party!", by "Weird Al" Yankovic
written by Shay Caron
based on the Harry Potter series, which belongs to J.K. Rowling
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[Open on your friend and mine, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom and looking a bit depressed. Behind him, the ghost of James Potter appears and begins singing, unnoticed (at least consciously) by his son.]
[Sledgehammer/Peter Gabriel]
JAMES: Your parents are proud of you
We've been watching over you for so long
Now you've seen a ghostly stag, glowing
Harry, you can call me "Prongs"
I wanna be... your Patronus
Why don't you call me out?
Ah! Oh, let me be your Patronus
I can finally protect you now... now!
[James vanishes as a slightly more cheerful Harry notices Ron Weasley enter the room, along with a few other students. Harry grins at him and turns to us.]
[Sussudio/Phil Collins]
HARRY: There's a girl that's been on his mind
All the time
Her-Hermione
[Ron immediately launches into a litany of denials as Harry continues -- "No way! Never! I don't know where you heard that, but it's a lie!" etc.]
Oh-oh!
Now those two argue every day
But I think she likes him anyway
Yeah, Hermione...
[Ron stops his ranting, mouth agape and ears red, then asks, "You really think so?"]
Whoa-oh!
[Ron recovers from his surprise and begins singing himself. Everyone else in the room has noticed them and is watching with interest.]
[Party All the Time/Eddie Murphy]
RON: But my girl wants to
Study all the time, study all the time, study all the time
My girl wants to study all the time
Study all the time
It really is a crime
[Harry and Ron finally notice that Hermione Granger has entered when she puts them in a double headlock. She tries to look mad at Ron, but her grin gives her away.]
[Say You, Say Me/Lionel Richie]
HERMIONE: Potter, Weasley
And Granger always
That's the way it should be
HARRY: There's me
RON: And me
HERMIONE: And me together
TRIO: Naturally
[Abruptly Draco Malfoy and his entourage (Crabbe and Goyle, of course) burst in. Malfoy is grinning lecherously and making eyes at every girl he passes. He seems to think he's Bachelor of the Year or some nonsense like that.]
[Freeway of Love/Aretha Franklin]
MALFOY: Hey, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (He's a million volts)
MALFOY: Girls, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (It's a new Firebolt)
[The trio glare at Malfoy, who rewards them with his trademark smirk.]
[What You Need/INXS]
HARRY: More like... a twig...
RON: Ohhh, that's right...
HERMIONE: I would not go near you in a thousand years!
[Malfoy snarls at the trio. Harry leaps forward and he and Malfoy almost start a fistfight, but Professor Dumbledore Apparates into the room and pulls them apart.]
[Harlem Shuffle/The Rolling Stones]
DUMBLEDORE: [very cheerfully] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka
Everybody now!
ALL: [some with more enthusiasm than others] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka
[Abruptly a Golden Snitch flies past Harry, who grabs it reflexively. Quidditch commentator Lee Jordan pokes his head in, followed by Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey.]
[Venus/Shocking Blue]
LEE: He's caught it
Yeah, baby, he's caught it
Well, he's their Seeker
GINNY: No one's hotter
COLIN: Hooray for Potter!
[Professors McGonagall and Snape enter, deep in an argument.]
[Nasty/Janet Jackson]
MCGONAGALL: Nasty! Slytherins are just so cruel
Oh, you Slytherins
SNAPE: Nasty! Gryffindors ignore the rules
Oh, you Gryffindors
[Ex-Professor Lockhart wanders in, pursued by several lovestruck women, including Ron and Ginny's mother, Molly Weasley.]
RON: I hate this part.
[Rock Me Amadeus/Falco]
MOLLY: [swooning] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
HERMIONE: [giggling] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
RON: [sarcastically] Oooh. Rock me, Gilderoy.
LOCKHART: [obviously confused] Who?
[Hagrid joins the group, holding a large piece of parchment in his hand.]
[Shout/Tears for Fears]
HAGRID: Food! Toys! A house in the weeds
These are the things that my new pet needs
Come on, we've gotta go shop
Come on
[Harry stands in the center of the room, in preparation for the final number.]
[Papa Don't Preach/Madonna]
HARRY: Oh, Dumbledore, please, I'm in trouble deep
Dumbledore, please, I've been losing sleep
But I've made up my mind
I'm gonna keep fighting
I've gotta keep on fighting
TRIO: We've gotta keep on fighting!
OTHER STUDENTS: (Keep on fighting)
TEACHERS: (Keep on fighting)
MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE: [with no enthusiasm at all] (Keep on fighting)
ALL: Hey!
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Hogwarts Polka
6/19/2003 -- Completed