Hello, everyone! This is a one-shot story, and I feel it to be a sort of parody, if you will. This is my first parody, so be nice. This Legends of Zelda story isn't based on the story line at all, actually. Instead, it's the DSi game 'Legends of Zelda- Four Swords 25th Anniversary Addition' in which I downloaded off of the DSi store. Please enjoy my little Parody: The Quest of Holes!
~The Quest of Holes~
Link absently wandered the green, lush trails of the Sea of Trees, his only friend, Blue Link following close by. He used to have many other colorful friends (three, actually) but they were all partying with Zelda. Poor Link was left on his own, slashing at bushes and beating up snakes. Unlike the others, Blue Link was the shyest of them all, and thought it was silly to hang around girls, let alone princesses. He had tried to console Link that of all the other colorful Links, the Green one was her favorite, but he would sneer with distaste and stomp off. Blue Link only followed him to make sure he didn't get in trouble.
"Link, shouldn't we be making sure Princess Zelda is safe? Vaati could be released from the sword again any time, you know." Blue Link whined, his feet aching from tripping over tree roots.
"Why? She's already got 2 Links watching out for her, and they're all funner than me." Link fumed, kicking at a creature that looked quite like a bush.
"Ah…that's 'more fun' Link…" Blue Link corrected, although Link seemed to be ignoring him.
"Whatever! I don't care about partying, monsters, or Rupees." Link hissed.
"Gasp! Not the Rupees! They're the bane of our existence!" Blue Link exclaimed, surprise clouding his face. Grunting in annoyance, Link proceeded to slash at the innocent bushes, Rupees and Hearts flying everywhere. Unfortunately, one of these unsuspecting bushes had an inconveniently placed hole under it. Link, already trudging at full speed, had no time to swerve and avoid it, thus plunging into the fathomless hole of despair. A second or two passed, and he responded next to it, seething with rage.
"Gah! This is horrible! How could I let this happen?" Link screeched, Blue Link trying to dodge his swinging sword.
"Ack! But, what's so bad about falling in a hole? You responded right next to it, anyways." Blue Link muttered, holding up his shield against Link's slashing sword.
"What's so bad? Look up there!" Link howled, pointing his sword into the air. Just above them, 6 hearts were floating in the air, one of them painted half black.
"…so? We'll just find a heart in all these bushes, and you'll be back to normal." Blue Link suggested, his head tipped upward.
"Yes, but who knows how long that could take? I can't fire my magic sword anymore!" Link screamed, slashing at the air with his sword, and seeming disappointed that no magical sparks of magic flew out.
"Yeah…but-"Blue Link started, but was cut off by his friend.
"Blue Link, we have to put a stop to this! This is just unacceptable! These holes everywhere are impairing my adventuring!" Link fumed, finally sheathing his sword. "Who knows how many adventurers have fallen victim to these horrible, dastardly holes?"
"Well, all the other adventurers rarely go through the Sea of Trees, so…" Blue Link stopped and thought for a moment. "Just you."
"Really, just me? Huh…" Link said, looking at the ground. "BUT IT'S STILL AN AWEFUL CRIME, AND WE SHOULD PUT A STOP TO IT!" And with that, Link was dragging Blue Link back to the Chamber of Insights to gather supplies.
After talking to all the floaty Rupee things, Link and his Blue pigmented friend had gathered vast amounts of cement, rocks, and sticky pink bubble gum.
"With THIS…" Link cackled maniacally, gesturing to all his supplies. "I shall cover every hole in the land of our Princess Zelda!" And he was once again dragging Blue Link to The Sea of Trees. Coming up on the entrance, he gave his friend a quick briefing.
"Alright, Bluey. We're gonna cover every single inch of this forest. We'll start at the North Gate, where we are, and then we'll go south. We'll do the same with West and East. You'll follow me everywhere, carrying the supplies, while I'll dish it out to all those horrible holes out there. Got it?" Link ordered, pointing his finger across a poorly drawn map.
"Yeah, but…" Blue Link whined, his face standing out against his blue tunic. "These are REALLY heavy…" Blue Link's face had gotten so red, Link was confused as to which Link he was talking to.
"Oh, I'm sure you can make it. Now come on, the more time were wasting here, the more holes poor adventurers are falling into!" Link yelled, strolling off into the dense nest of trees, Blue Link trying his best to follow.
The rest of the day was spent butchering bushes, dodging holes, and pouring endless construction supplies down them. By the end of the day, they had only covered about half of the forest, leaving the both of them exhausted and flat-out beat.
"We did good work today, Blue Link." Link huffed, sweat beads rolling down the sides of his face. "Tomorrow, we'll get the rest of the Sea. Man, I'm exhausted."
"You're exhausted? I had to carry all this cement everywhere." Blue Link huffed, too tired to argue.
"Yeah, but I was the one defeating all those evil holes." Link retorted, curling into a ball for the night. They had found a small cave, and after clearing out all the Rupee snakes, had decided to stay there for the night. It was cold and dank, but the sweltering boys were thankful for the cool.
After a long night of sleeping in the cold darkness of the cave, they were back to vanquishing evil holes in the morning. They had counted 30 holes so far, and suspected even more on the way. Blue Link hefting the slightly lighter, but still insanely heavy load of supplies, obediently following his friend. He couldn't exactly deny this task, considering he was just a branch of the original Green Link. He was like a shadow, or a clone. He would always do anything his friend commanded without question or denial, for he didn't have the power to.
"Look, Blue, another one!" Link exclaimed, the leaves flying out of the way to reveal a bottomless, pit like hole. "Come on, hand over the supplies!" Blue Link gratefully plopped the cement down on the ground, tilting backwards to stretch out his back.
"Ouch…" Blue Link coughed as his friend started hefting rock after rock into the hole. As the bottom became closer and closer to them, Link dumped a bucket of sticky pink bubble gum onto the hole, covering up the cracks. Running around, he gathered the leaves that had been shed from the bush, and started sticking them to the bubblegum. It looked as if they had never even cut it!
"Another one, slain from the world of the living. Come on, buddy, we've got hundreds to go." Link announced, continuing along the beaten path. Blue Link, once again pulling the enormous sack onto his back, trudged after his friend. It wasn't long before they came across a river.
"Crap! I didn't plan this far! If we bring the cement into the water, it'll all wash away!" Link screeched, passing along the bank. "We have to think of something." As Link fretted about the river, something caught Blue Link's eye. A small pedestal sat against a rock wall, a blue and white cape draped over the top.
"Link, look, ove-"Blue Link sputtered, but Link jumped in.
"Hey, Blue Link, look over there! That's a Rock's Cape! That's just what we need to cross this river! See how brilliant I am?" Link scoffed, running over to the pedestal. Trading his shield for the cape, he flew back to his friend, feeling as light as a feather. "Now we can cross the river!"
"Ah, but…don't you think I should wear it?" Blue Link suggested much to the annoyance of his friend.
"Of course not! Don't you want to get the supplies across the lake? I'll fly across, then search for a bridge. Don't doubt my plans, Blue. Bad things come to those who doubt my plans." Link hissed, jumping and easily clearing the length of the lake. Disappearing into the trees, Blue Link sat against his pack of supplies, waiting for his friend.
More than 2 hours later, Link returned with a solemn look on his face. "I couldn't find something to use as a bridge." He admitted, but seemed to get an idea right after. "Wait, I know! I'll just cut down one of these tall trees here!" He proceeded to murderously slash his sword against the poor tree until it collapsed across the river, making a perfect bridge.
"Why didn't you do that 2 hours ago? I've been dying of heat stroke!" Blue Link sputtered angrily, dragging the pack across the felled tree.
"Oh, so you don't want the bridge?" Link teased, making a motion to push Blue Link into the water.
"Ah! No, no, I'll take the bridge!" Blue Link cried, holding up his arms to protect himself.
"See? That's better. Now, come on. We've wasted enough time, what with you sitting around like you were." Link called, far ahead of his friend.
"Well, I couldn't exactly DO anything…" Blue Link responded, although he doubted his friend could hear him. Sighing in annoyance, he barely said anything for the rest of the day as Link stuffed holes full of cement and sticky pink bubblegum, striving to complete his quest. At least they were finished the Sea of Trees by the second day, but Link seemed quite eager to start the Realm of Memories. After a quick night's sleep, they were standing before the 3 gates of the past Legend of Zelda adventures.
"Which one should we do first?" Link asked, much to Blue Link's surprise.
"Ooh, I like the 8-bit one!" Blue Link cried, heading to the bronze colored door.
"Nope, we're doing the Super Nintendo one!" Link laughed, opening the silver door. It clanged audibly, and before Blue Link could say anything more, they were both sucked into the first door in the Realm of Memories. They were whirling through space and time, memories whipping past them at the speed of light. It only lasted milliseconds before they were standing before the great wooden doors of Zelda's castle.
"Alright, so first we need to go right and kill all the baddies. Come on, Blue, and keep a look out for those holes!" Link called, Blue Link trudging after him. They went along, slicing up monsters and burying holes, collecting keys and rupees all the while. By the time they had reached the end of the second stage, they were both exhausted.
"We can't get tired yet! We still need to do the forest stage!" Link cried, picking his blue friend up off the ground. "Get up, lazy bones!"
"Hey…" Blue Link huffed, stars dancing behind his eyes. "You could…be offending…some skeletons out there…right now…" Grunting with annoyance, Link dragged his exhausted friend into the twin warp pads, the blue rings of power emanating up around them. Their vision blurred for a moment, but was quickly replaced by images of lush green trees and tiny moving platforms.
"Oh, yes, this is the mainly focused 'Gnat Hat' level. Wait…" Link mumbled, coming to a startling realization. "HOW ARE WE GONNA CARRY THE SUPPLIES WHEN WE'RE THE SIZE OF GNATS?" he screeched, scaring Blue Link out of a blissful sleep.
"Hurmmmwha?" Blue Link mumbled, his eyelids already drooping again. Link agitatedly smacked him repeatedly across the head, trying to jolt him awake.
"Wake up, Blue Link! Don't you want to complete this quest?" Link howled, such a horrible noise that even the hopping spiders skittered away.
"HrmmmrI'mgettingup…" Blue Link mumbled, bringing himself to his feet. "You'vebeenrunningmeintotheground…"
"What was that? I can't understand what you're saying, oaf. Come one, we've got no time!" Link ordered, knowing he had plenty of time. The rest of the level was spend precariously balanced on Gnat Platforms while full size, and carrying a ton of cement and bubblegum. Needless to say, Blue Link didn't have much fun that stage. In fact, he didn't have much fun any stage they did. He didn't even want to do this anymore.
"Liiink, IIII'm tiiired…." Blue Link whined as they finally left the silver door of The Realm of Memories.
"Well, too bad, sissy pants. We still have the rest of The Realm of Memories, Talus Cave, Death Mountain, all 3 doors of Vaati's Palace, AND The Hero's Trial." Link informed, walking to the copper door across from the silver one.
"NOT THE HERO'S TRIAL! I HATE THAT PLACE!" Blue Link howled. "I MEAN, WHAT ROOM NEEDS 20 SKELETONS?"
"Well then, I guess you're not a hero if you can't make it through a place as simple as the Hero's Trial." Link teased, although he, too, found it quite difficult.
"What? But…I saved Princess Zelda! That makes me a hero!" Blue Link whined, his back aching, even though the supplies were much lighter than when they started.
"NO, I saved Princess Zelda; you helped. Plus, you had 2 other extremely heroic Links helping you help me." Link scoffed, placing his hands on the copper door and watching as it slid soundlessly open. "Now, hurry up. I want to finish all three doors by the end of the day."
Cursing under his breath, Blue Link still obediently followed his 'friend' into the copper door. They were whipping around space again, watching as the color abandoned their bodies, leaving black dots in their place. Landing in the grassy plains of the 8-bit door, Link immediately began slashing at the grass, searching for holes.
Although Blue Link quite enjoyed the Copper Door of the Realm of Memories, he felt depressed and sad. If this was a parody, why was Link being such a jerk? Parodies were meant to be funny, not depressing and heartfelt. Mustering up more courage than expected from such a shy person, Blue Link finally said something.
"I don't wanna do this quest anymore!" he yelled, the silence ringing in the air like smoke from a fire.
"What do you mean?" Link asked, turning around.
"You're being a douche! I don't wanna hang around with such an awful person!" Blue Link hissed, dropping the supplies.
"Huh? Wait! You've got nowhere to go except me! Hell, you are me! Now get back here with the supplies!" Link called, his face turning red.
"I'm leaving, you jerk!" Blue Link snarled, pulling out his DSi and hitting the start button.
"Blue Link, stop! Hey, what are you-"Link called, but it was too late. Blue Link had already pressed A on the 'Return to Stage Select' panel. A burst of black smoke erupted from behind him, and he was sucked away into the sky, leaving his friend behind.
"You'll lose all your progress, you idiot!" Link called into the sky, but there was no way Blue Link could hear him. "Don't you want your rupees…?" Sighing in defeat, Link hefted the large pack onto his back, surprised at its weight, and continued through the stages. It was much lonelier without his ¼, but he still managed to finish all 3 doors of the Realm of Memories.
Link was walking on his way to the Talus cave when he saw a dark, cloud like shape speed past. To his surprise, it was Vaati the Wind Mage! Not only that, he was carrying something in his hand. Link pretty much already knew who it was.
"Zelda, how the hell did you get captured again? There were two Links watching you!" Link screamed, although it wasn't a very feminine voice that answered.
"It's me, you idiot! Zelda doesn't dress in blue!" Blue Link chortled, his lungs compressed under Vaati's strong grasp.
"Mwahahaha! Now that I have one of the legendary four Links, there's no way they'll be able to entrap me in the sword again! They all need to be together to do that! Now I'm free forever!" Vaati cackled, his sick laugh sounding like oil spilling over rocks.
"Vaati! How did you get out of the Four Sword?" Link caterwauled, Vaati flinching with annoyance.
"Jesus, stop yelling! I can hear you just fine! The barrier on the sword was not properly made, and I destroyed it with ease! Now, you will have no choice but to watch as I destroy the only means to your success in capturing me once again! Bahahaha, foolish little brat!" Vaati howled, skittering off through the air towards his great, floating palace.
"Oh, no…Blue Link, you idiot! It's your own fault you got captured!" Thinking of a whole bunch of things to say that would just have to be censored out of Fan Fiction, Link whipped out his black DSi, and turned on his picto-chat. Knowing they would be, he found Red Link, Pink Link and Zelda in the Picto-chat rooms. Joining room A, he immediately alerted his troops.
Green: Blue's captured by Vaati!
Red: WTH I TOLD HIM TO WATCH OUT FOR THAT
Zelda: Damn, we were starting up a game of beer pong!
Pink: Yeah, now I'm going to have to re-do my makeup. Stupid Blue.
Green: We can worry about how much we hate him after; let's just rescue him so I can continue covering holes.
Red: HOLES ARE LAME LOL
Pink: Whatever you say, Green. *heart*
After alerting his slightly odd group of familiars, they were all striving to get to Vaati's palace to save their friend. He trekked over vast lands of Ice, trenches of red hot fire, and pits of horrible monsters, all the while ignoring all the holes he came across. It was painful to leave them behind, but he could cover them when he saved his friend.
Coming to the gates of Vaati's palace, he was surprised to see all his comrades already waiting for him.
"GOSH WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG WE WERE WAITING HERE FOREVER WTH" Red screeched, his voice like a sonic boom.
"Hey, I was at the Realm of Memories when this happened! I couldn't exactly just teleport, you know." Link huffed, holding himself up against the walls of the gate, catching his breath.
"Yeah, like, stop hating on him. We all still love you, Green." Pink Link giggled. Although all of his shadows were boys, Pink Link was the girliest of them all. He wore makeup, wrote in a diary, and even helped Zelda decide what to wear for parties. Red, on the other hand, was undoubtedly the most obnoxious of them all. He yelled at everyone, whether he was pleased with them or not. His hair was always spiked upwards in a threatening style, the sleeves of his tunic drawn up to reveal his bulging, muscular arms.
"Alright then, SO. We'll go through the level just like last time, then-"Link started to explain, but was rudely interrupted.
"I WANNA PLAN! WE GO IN, WE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYTHING, AND KILL VAATI WOOT" Red howled, bursting through the doors of Vaati's palace, screaming 'Leeroooyy Jeennnkkkiiinnsss!'
"….alright then, what he said." Link sighed, following Pink and Red into the great palace. Just as it was last time, murderous beasts roamed the halls as weak and brittle parts of the floor threatened to plunge each one of them down to Earth. After Red pummeled all the pig archers, skeletons, and terrible, horrifying, disgusting green snakes, they finally made it to the end of the second door.
"Alright, we're almost to Blue!" Pink cheered, jumping up and down.
"Yeah, let's hurry up and-"Link tried to say, but a skeleton had fallen from the sky, and had pinned Link up against the wall.
"Ack-!" Link coughed as a skeletal hand clamped around Link's throat.
"Green, oh no!" Pink cried as Red started picking something out of his teeth like a zombie. The skeleton had his face really close to Links, and as the skeleton slowly opened its mouth, Link thought it would eat him, but instead it spoke.
"Hey, man, I heard you say 'lazy bones' earlier, and I just wanted to say my mom right now, she weighs over 400 pounds, so yeah, that was a little offensive, because she can't move and all, so-" he droned, but was quickly made to dust by Red who had picked a giant leaf of lettuce out of his teeth. Pink eewing at his outstretch, green finger, was sucked into the portal just as the rest of them were.
As they entered the main platform, signifying Vaati's resting place, they all eagerly looked around for Blue. Finally spotting him, they saw he had been roped to a metal table in the middle of the room, right in front of Vaati's statue.
"Hey, there's Blue!" Link exclaimed, worried by the sight of his beaten and bloodied friend. As they all charged forward, ready to free their companion, Vaati drifted out of the floor surprising them all.
"Oh, COME ON. You had to suspect I was right there, right? RIGHT? Seriously, you just thought you'd get your friend and go? ARE YOU ALL INBRED?" Vaati screeched, hovering over Blue's unconscious body. "I mean, that is SUCH a cliché. Friends run to captive, captor pops out, friends die a horrible death, IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE TIME! I mean, REALLY! Ugh, I don't even really wanna fight anymore, why don't…why don't you just take that little blue thing and go!" Vaati whined, circling the group.
"Oh…really?" Link said, surprise dancing in his eyes. He waddled over to the table, unstrapping the ropes tying his friend. A black, tentacle like hand whipped across Link's chest, sending him smashing into the adjacent wall.
"Psych! Bahahahahaha! You know, that's also cliché. The whole 'psyche' thing. 'Oh, yes, just TAKE your friend. I don't mind, REEEAAAALLLYY.'" Vaati teased, cackling up a storm. Link slumped to the ground, blood dripping from his lips, not even able to keep his eyes open. Suddenly, a giant window appeared in front of the group.
'YOUR REVIVAL COST THIS TIME IS 50 RUPEES. NEXT TIME IT WILL BE 100.' The letters ran across the window as Link stood up from the floor, not even a scratch on him.
"Huh…guess it's a good thing I collected so many rupees. I have, like, what…8000 now?" Link laughed, drawing his sword and grabbing his bombs.
"W-w-Whaaaat? What is this 'revival cost'? How come I've never heard of it?" Vaati screeched, his single eye wide with surprise. "No matter! I will destroy you all! I will destroy your families! And then…I WILL DESTROY ZELDA BAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" he cackled, tears running from his eye.
He didn't even have time to swerve as 3 lit bombs smashed into his eye, each one exploding at the same time. Vaati screamed out in horror, flying backwards off of the platform. Without anything for his cyclonic base to support him against, he had no means of staying afloat.
"What the hell? I was talking! You can't attack the bad guy when he's talking!" Vaati howled, clinging to the side of the platform, using his crescent-like head ornament to keep him attached to it.
"And THAT…" Link said, drawing his sword towards Vaati. "Is ALSO a cliché." With one sweeping arch, Vaati was thrown from the side of the platform, plummeting through the clouds until the statue he had possessed smashed on the cobblestone floor of Zelda's castle.
As Link turned around, he saw that Pink Link and Red Link were already tending to Blue, who was now conscious.
"Wait…YOU MEAN NONE OF YOU SAW THAT AWESOME KILL?" Link screeched, almost on par with Vaati. "I MEAN, THAT WAS PERFECT! HOW COULD NONE OF YOU EVEN SEE THAT?"
"Oh, be quiet, Link. Let's get Blue back to Zelda's palace." Pink consoled, as they carried the almost catatonic Blue out of the castle. It wasn't as long a trek to Zelda's Castle as it had been for Link, because it was positioned right under Vaati's lair. Days had passed, and Blue was recovering nicely, as Link and Zelda partied until the sun went down. One sunny afternoon, Blue was standing in front of the dining room window, gazing out at the sun set.
A menacing grin broke his lips, almost wide enough to connect both his ears. His eyes opened wide as a third eye, one with a yellow and purple iris perched in the middle, opened on his forehead, Vaati's maniacal laughter filling the room.
THE END…?