A/N: First, sorry for Roy's OOCness. Second, disregard any continuity errors. I was lazy and was going from memory. Lastly, this little piece was written on a whim after reading a bunch of fics with Roy being labeled as a bastard/some sort of bad guy. I wasn't criticizing anyone, just noting some fanfiction tendencies. It's meant as a sort of satire/irony/humor/etc. No offense to the rabid EdWin fans, as I am one myself.
Lodging a Formal Complaint
The name is Mustang. Roy Mustang. Colonel in the Military of Amestris.
I bet you've heard of me, no doubt from Fullmetal, otherwise known to you by his civilian name, Edward Elric. He probably hasn't said very nice things about me. He never does, despite the fact that I am only looking out for him in his best interest. But does anyone ever consider that? No.
I can handle that, though, because it doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is the other people who say meaner things about me.
The Edward fangirls.
Yes, I said it. It's true; I have a big problem with them. See, if you haven't witnessed it for yourself, you probably haven't immersed yourself in the fanfiction world of the Flame Alchemist (known to you people as "Fullmetal Alchemist" even though it's not all about said alchemist). I don't know why you're even reading this. Not to be rude.
And if you do know I'm talking about, well, then you probably are aware, or actively participate, in the seemingly popular pastime of Roy-bashing. Allow me to inform you on being courteous, and how you so-called "fans" are not.
Fullmetal's fans often put words into his mouth, and they have him address me as Colonel Bastard. This is unacceptable. While I'm sure some much meaner terms are running through Fullmetal's head in real life, at least he doesn't say it out loud. Unlike you. A little respect is all I'm asking for.
Fun fact: Did you know, in Japan, no one would even dare say that to my face?
I'm not even the worst person in Amestris. Have you ever stopped to consider that Fuhrer King Bradley could be dubbed as Fuhrer King Bastard? (It's very alliterative too.)
What about Envy? He was a bastard in the first show, literally. And he was an honorary one when he killed Hughes, not just once, but three fucking times. Does anyone ever stop to think about the fact that I've done my best to avenge him? That I really am not the bad guy here?
And to top it off, you – fangirls, I'm talking to you – put these words into short, temperamental Fullmetal's mouth while he's making passionate, steamy love to that pretty little mechanic of his. That's like a double punch!
Aren't I, the great Roy Mustang, supposed to be the ladies' man? Not that I would try to steal his mechanic, but, no pun intended, to flame me while he is making love… That's an insult! Or at least, a mockery.
Being considerate also includes not spreading nasty rumors. How many times have I heard that same old rumor circulating about me and my first lieutenant, Hawkeye? I would tell you that it's not true, but no one, unfortunately, would believe me.
You girls claim to have "canon evidence" in this manga by someone called "Hiromu Arakawa". You all even have a little nickname for us. Royai. What the hell does that mean? Have you fans never heard of the word "and"? Hypothetically, if Riza and I were together, I'd like to see it our two names side by side, just because it would feel nicer that way. But do you people consider how others feel?
I didn't think so. In fact, why am I even talking to you people? It's pointless, seeing as you probably will just titter at my little letter and run off and write another Edward and Winry fanfiction piece, where I will once again be labeled as the Colonel Bastard.
To sum it up, it's just not courteous to label someone a bastard, especially when he is in a position of authority.
Also, I think many of you forget that I am the Flame Alchemist, capable of burning you and your cute little word processor to a very nice and unidentifiable crisp just by snapping.
Be warned.
~Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist
PS: And to all of my supporters: thank you.