TITLE: Sound The Bugle
WRITTEN BY: Drea Jackman
EMAIL: DreaJackman@hotmail.com
WEBSITE: Blue Genes - http://DreaJackman.cjb.net/
RATING: PG-13 (for language)
SUMMARY: The team's heart & soul is gone, so is their leader's faith and courage. When Jack seeks solitude in the hours following Daniel's death, it's Sam who must help him see that sometimes it's okay to feel lost and that he's not alone.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate, Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter Teal'c or any of the other characters of Stargate SG-1. I'm merely using them to fullfil my own selfish need for angst and I promise to return them good as new when I'm done...but I might keep Daniel a little longer...Jack too ;).
ARCHIVE: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me & ask permission.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!
A/N: When a soldier is lost, the bugle sounds it's call and they are remembered.' Well originally I was gonna do something with the Bryan Adams track Sound The Bugle' but that quickly provided the soundtrack' to another WIP I've got stashed around here so I ended up goin' on basic enjoyment of Jack angst...even better when Sam's involved :). As always, feedback is helpful and greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Sound The Bugle
The air in the SGC hung heavy with the deep cold of loss. It's inhabitants had fought many battles and faced the pain of loss more than once, but on this particular night, the SGC itself was missing more than just another soldier lost in battle. Tonight it had lost something vital, something that could never, ever be replaced - the heart and soul of SG-1. Tonight it had lost Daniel.
In the hours that followed, O'Neill found himself sitting alone in the Briefing Room, staring out of the vast glass panels overlooking the Gate Room. The room was not usually as deserted, but since the evenings earlier events, everything that was normal about life in the facility had changed for more than just SG-1. Hammond was well aware of the fact that Jack had taken up residence there and become lost in thought. He supposed it was his way of dealing. He himself had lost people under his command more times than he cared to remember, but even saying that, he knew that this was different. This was Daniel.
Jack wasn't the only one spending some alone time to deal with the loss of Daniel. Teal'c had returned to his quarters shortly after they had all brought themselves to leave the infirmary room where Daniel had fallen. His stance was typically strong and stiff, no sign of physical weakness present for any to see. It was only when he moved to light the candles and prepare for Kelnorim that the light cast the shadows from his stony features.
As he sat in the centre of the room surrounded by the glowing candlelight, his facial expression was blank, but the pain of his own loss was clearly visible now. His eyes bled tears as he remained there in silence, allowing his eyelids to drift closed and his meditation and remembrance began.
Sam had gone back to her quarters closely followed by her father, Jacob. He had been wary, keeping his distance and allowing her to seek his comfort when she felt ready to accept it. She was her father's daughter, strong to the last in facing the situation alone, but she knew when to seek comfort. It was something Jacob had been able to learn from her since discovering the life she really led behind the rank of Major.
After spending a few hours in his company, she has asked about the other members of her team. Suspecting Teal'c would want the same thing she had in the first instance, but perhaps for a little longer, she decided that the best thing for her to do would be to seek out Jack. She understood from their years of working together side by side, that locking himself away and dealing with things alone was his way also, but where he felt pushed to project an image of being able to handle things alone, it wasn't always true. A brave facaude put on by a commanding officer who couldn't afford to lose face in the eyes of his team, not for a second. As far as Sam was concerned that could all be cast to the wind now, none of it mattered. She left her father with a hug and an understood thankyou', and went to find O'Neill.
Jack stared out at the large, metallic circle sitting in it's usual resting place in the room below. He'd faced the thought of losing team members before, more-often-than-not it had been the risk of losing Daniel and partially he guessed that's what made it so hard to accept now. There had been so many instances where the Doctor's life had been in danger and he'd always bounced back or scraped through at the last second thanks to a team effort. This time, even with the team's best efforts, it had been too much. The man he'd come to regard as a best friend, probably the best man he'd ever know in his lifetime, was gone.
He thought of all the times they'd been in casual arguement over something or other, usually a military objective versus cultural discovery. If he hadn't been as physically numb as he was, Jack would have smiled at the memories. It was when the usual thought of I wonder what it'll be next' surfaced in his mind that the cold reality set in and broke another part of him down. There would never be a next time, not ever. Telling himself he wasn't really gone, merely ascended, didn't seem to help him any. His friend was still gone.
Lost completely in an abyss of thought with no apparent bottom in sight, there was no limit to the depths Jack felt himself sinking to and no light from above as a sign that he'd ever make it back out again. He continued to stare out over the Gate Room, features cast in a troubled frown. His lips were pressed to a clenched fist as his right forearm extended upward, left crossing his chest protectively. He heard light footsteps entering the room and the door sliding closed after them.
Momentarily about to sigh with discontent, he wanted nothing more than to turn around and bark out an order to get the hell out!' to whomever had invaded his precious refuge. It was when he turned to find Sam staring back at him warily with her hand still wrapped around the door handle that he backed down. She looked as bad as he felt, if that was entirely possible.
"Hey," she said, voice cracked and broken around the words.
"Hey."
His voice was low and sullen with no signs of the spark he usually had about him. It broke her heart to see someone else she cared about hurting, worse still that it appeared to be just as much as her. She wouldn't have wished her present state of feeling on anyone else, not for the world. His shoulders were slumped, arms wrapped around his chest as he turned away from her to cast his attention back down to the Gate below.
Waiting a few seconds longer, she eventually began her journey toward him. Reaching out wasn't something soldiers usually had to do with each other, but even soldiers were human too. She was only a few feet away from him when he finally spoke, causing her to jump slightly at his voice cutting through the silent air of the room.
"This should never have happened."
"Sir?"
"He was too young, it's not supposed to happen this way," he clarified without turning his attention from the Gate.
"I know," she said softly, finally stopping to stand by his side and watch the fight for control flickering in his eyes.
"Why are you here?" Jack asked after another few minutes of drawn out silence.
"Didn't feel like being alone," Sam only half lied. She was also there to see him, even if she didn't expect him to need her.
"I did."
Sam swayed awkwardly on her feet and averted her eyes from the Colonel beside her. Perhaps she'd been wrong in suspecting he'd need companionship more than anyone else that night. Then again, maybe this was just more front she had to break through. In truth the mind games were something she could have easily gone without, especially now, but once again she found herself there anyway.
Jack sighed as he noticed the Major's apparent discomfort at feeling as though she'd intruded on his space. Regardless of what he thought he needed, he had to consider the welfare of his team. She could be there because she felt the need for familiar company. As a team, they usually faced things like this together. Maybe it was the same now.
"Sorry, I didn't mean that."
"That's okay."
Silence loomed around them yet again. Sam felt a little better after his apology, heartfelt at that moment or not. It felt nice to have somewhere to be, even if she really had no idea what to do once she got there. Shifting to approach the protective glass windows overlooking the Gate Room she felt herself sigh a little before she turned to face him. Leaning back with her arms crossed over her chest, she wrapped her arms around herself tightly. She was aware of taking up that stance alot in the past few hours, perhaps to keep herself from falling apart.
"Are you okay?"
Jack didn't answer, simply stared over her shoulder as if his mind had taken him past the gate he stared at so intently and onto some distant planet. Perhaps the planet that had brought this situation upon them.
"Sir?" she pressed, knowing by the slight tick of his jaw that she should probably leave him be. "Are you sure?"
"For cryin' out loud, I'm fine!" Jack boomed suddenly, his temper in shreds.
Sam was momentarily taken aback, but pressed on. "I know this is hard, but,"
"No, you don't, Major," Jack replied, his voice cold and defensive. "You don't know at all."
Sam stared at him blankly for a few seconds in silence. Had he actually cut her off with this? With a kind of angry, selfish bullshit worthy of someone else entirely different. Not the Jack O'Neill she knew and not after what had just happened, not tonight.
"Excuse me?" she said in disbelief.
"You heard me," he fired back and stood up from the table he'd been leaning against to take on a more authoritative stance.
"You're upset, I should go."
Sam chalked his strange response up to a frayed temper and thought it best to leave him alone until he was better equipped to deal with it and face other people again. It was perfectly understandable, he was angry about what happened. So was she.
As she turned to head for the door, her path was completely blocked as all six foot three of her Commanding Officer stepped in front of her, barring her path.
"Stay," he said sounding suddenly courteous. "You wanted to be around me right now, feel free to stick around."
"What is this?"
"Exactly what you wanted!"
"No, sir," she said firmly, now trying to keep a tab on her own strained temper.
"You want me to share? Tell you about my feelings? You couldn't possibly share this."
His voice was ragged and angry, eyes flashing with a kind of rage she would have been wary of if it were any other person but Colonel O'Neill. Right now, his bark was way worse than his bite and Major Carter wasn't afraid of it in the slightest.
"What makes you think that?"
"Y'just," he began, his voice betraying exasperation over rage for brief moments.
"What?"
"You've no idea how this feels," he sighed and stalked around her towards the other end of the Briefing Room. He'd only made it a few steps when he heard the cold cut of Sam's voice reaching him.
"How dare you."
Jack turned toward her, face flushed and eyes blazing.
"How dare I?!"
"You're no different to the rest of us!" she fired back as she made her advance on him, this time her own rage taking over rational thought.
"I'm the Commanding Officer of SG-1!"
"Please, like losing Daniel hurts us any less than it does you!"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?"
"Leave it," he warned.
"You selfish sonuvabitch! You don't hold the monopoly on loss here! We ALL lost someone tonight, not just you!"
Tears had begun to well up in her eyes and the image of Jack
standing before her, furious, was blurred from view, but that
didn't stop her from closing more of the distance between
them in her onslaught of indignant rage.
Jack's chest heaved with every new breath in an attempt to regain some of the composure he'd lost a long time ago, but it was all in vain. Emotion was something a soldier was supposed to be able to repress and right now the ability had abandoned both of them.
In a sudden move that both shocked and actually scared Sam, Jack lurched forward and grabbed her by the arms, pinning them to her sides as he drew her closer to him. His face was barely and inch or two from hers so that she could practically feel the heat radiating from him in waves.
"I'm the Commanding Officer of SG-1!" he barked as rage took every semblance of control from him and held Carter at the mercy of his rage. "I'm supposed to get ALL of you back through that Goddamn gate EVERY time even if it means laying my own sorry life down to make it happen and I fucked up! I led him out there and I couldn't even manage to bring him home again safely! Do you understand how that feels?!"
Sam's face was flushed and her eyes reddened by the tears that had started to fall. She'd heard his words and understood them, but more importantly she'd heard the cracked edge present in his voice and seen the unshed tears in his eyes. He was just afraid to let it in and fall apart as she was. But how could he even think of carrying that kind of burden alone? Especially when it wasn't his to carry.
Jack forced the air back into his lungs and looked at the woman he held in a steadfast iron grip. He saw the tears marring her cheeks and the fear in her eyes and was immediately filled with regret. He hadn't meant to make it all worse or hurt her anymore than she already was. Cursing himself for failing a member of his team again, he leaned back shaking his head from side to side slowly and searched for the words to make it all better.
Nothing.
Releasing her from his grip, he turned to the windows on his left and walked to them slowly. Sam watched as the Colonel's now defeated posture held him precariously as he leaned on the small ledge at the windows overlooking the Gate Room below. Usually strong shoulders slumped as his arms no doubt held him upright for his tall frame seemed smaller and more frail as she looked upon him. This man wasn't a Colonel, certainly not the C.O. of SG-1, but he was still the man she'd grown to care about and more than she was allowed.
Slowly she debated the merits of approaching him again, but quickly pushed them aside and walked up quietly behind him. Once again she stood at his side and turned to look at him. His eyes were closed, head bowed and brow furrowed. She frowned herself as she saw the tears he'd tried so hard to contain spill over his still-flushed cheek. She cast a quick glance down into the room below but it was empty. General Hammond had ceased all operations regarding the Stargate until further notice. There was no one else around but the two of them.
Jack was momentarily locked away in his mind, the events of earlier that night playing over and over. Daniel was gone, he was really gone. It didn't seem real, but the feeling that it was all his fault still weighed heavily on his already weakened shoulders and he didn't know how to bear it. He felt completely lost and more alone than he had ever felt in his entire life.
Then he felt something else, warm and strong. He looked down and saw Sam's right hand on his as it sat splayed out on the ledge before him and her left arm sliding around his right to draw him a little closer to her. Her actions were meant to simply convey her presence at a moment where he was surely feeling the numb of loneliness, but to Jack it was so much more.
Jack looked up to see Sam staring back at him, her eyes red-raw from crying and looking as painful as his felt as he half-squinted to focus intently on her face. Without a word uttered, he let out a slow breath and leaned into her. She mirrored his action and leaned in toward him, her head finding his shoulder as she hugged his right arm a little tighter and kept her hand protectively over his. She soon felt the strength of her gesture returned as she felt Jack's head came to rest gently against hers.
They could have tried to talk it over in the hours that followed and maybe they'd have aired out a few of the things they'd been meaning to say all that evening.
I'm sorry,' he'd say.
Me too,' she'd reply and squeeze her grip on his hand to let him know she meant it.
I didn't mean to hurt you.'
What happened to Daniel wasn't your fault.'
He'd stay silent, perhaps look at her with an expression that asked if she really meant that.
We'll get through this,' she'd assure him.
He'd flip his hand under hers and grasp it in a simple gesture, a promise that he'd never let the team or her down again.
I know.'
Instead, as with many things in their relationship, it all went unsaid. Words didn't have the same power in conveying what their current physical stance did.
Sam simply stood their in companionable silence by Jack's side, his rock. On the team she was his second in command, but in truth, at least in her mind, she always felt like his first line of defence. She couldn't pretend to understand how he was feeling now, but she could stand there and face it with him. It was what the rest of the team were there for, to make sure there were no individuals, only team-mates.
The End