Death, Pines and Stupid Hearts
[I Jily One shots]
Padfoots-Wand
You know you aren't a little girl anymore. You know you don't need anyone to support you constantly when you start crying and can't stop. You know that it'll pass when that one nostalgic song comes on the radio that you sneaked into Hogwarts. The one you and your sister sung along to.
You know that it's okay when you can't find a way to deal with the letter you receive that one morning when the person who makes your heart flutter -stupid heart you think constantly- steals a piece of toast from your plate and you childishly pout.
You don't know why you sit in silence waiting for a sign. Why you sit in the midst of an emotional wreckage and confusion with looks of a lost girl with broken green eyes and a heart, still beating as it throbs for your loved ones.
Beat.. Beat.. Beat.
"Miss Evans, I am so sorry about your loss. Please sit down."
Dumbledore and McGonagall had said many things but you couldn't hear them if you tried.
Your ears were blocked by the sound of her Mother's tinkling, pretty laugh and your father's hearty, though slightly raspy ones and their words of love to you.
Your nose is blocked by the smell of that one day when your mother set off to make pancakes, the pancakes you used to hate but finally gave into.
The smell of your father's toast burning, he had somehow burnt toast. That wasn't even close to the fire that had burned up a house full of memories and moments of emotion.
Your body is paralyzed.
Your mother is still slipping those dresses she had bought you and whispering how pretty you looked.
How she had raised such a great sophisticated young lady.
Fearing a sentimental moment you had joked, 'Talking about Petunia again are you mum?' You had laughed.
She had laughed. He had laughed.
Your heart was filled with confusion and terror. Longing for someone to hold you. Comfort you. You can't work out your feelings.
Just like those days when you would even think of telling your parents about all of the real things out there. You felt immensely guilty. They only knew so much. Your summers were spent putting protective charms all over the house.
When Petunia wasn't looking. But in the end, all those things didn't matter. What did matter?
Marlene is getting worried. So is Hestia. They never get worried. They are your bad - ass best friends and you aren't as kick-ass with your sassy comebacks anymore.
You spend your days by the roof of the astronomy tower. You realise it is hard to live. But life is important. You have learnt that by now. You feel better sitting at the highest peak of Hogwarts. You seem to blend in with the red's, Orange's, Purple's, Blues, Yellow's, and Whites of the sunset and sunrise following the depths of the night sky you fall asleep under the stars.
You think if what your father had said about watching over her was true. John Evans handed Lily a piece of paper. He had just gotten to King's Cross, back from a business trip.
Lydia Evans was beside him, their arms were linked. Happy. Very happy. And in love. Lily had shrieked in happiness and joy when suddenly, whilst James Potter was apologizing and they were finally putting a closure to their dislike of each other and starting a friendship, Lily's father had lifted Lily into the air.
John Evans was striking, even for his age. He had Lily's striking green eyes. Suit and all he had spun Lily around in the air and she was laughing. So so happy. She was laughing, crying and gasping at the same time. You hadn't seen your father in a long time. James looked surprised as you cried. You never cry. But this was happy.
"Daddy!"
You had said looking up at the person you had missed for so many days. You want your dad. The one who told you all those stories of giving and princesses and warriors. The same people who made you their own warrior princess. He held you in the air and suddenly wrapped you in his arms, his tie getting in your face but you not caring. He had named a star after their family.
'So you can see me looking down on you. Forever. We're constantly there for you Lils. Even when you can't see it. We're your constant and you are ours.'
Because you just couldn't care. It was your dad. He was alive and so... Much of your dad.
"My warrior princess."
He had called her fondly and kissed her forehead, tears in his own eyes. You were his daughter. His daughter. He didn't look any less proud.
"I missed you."
You had whispered into his familiar eyes.
"I did as well, princess."
He said sincerely after locking eyes with James. He grinned, so did he. After the introductions Lily's mother had pulled her in. She filled her and James and also Marlene who had just dropped by with all of the travelling they had done and how Petunia invited Marge the beast in for dinner.
"You better blow her up Lily Adelaide, or I will have nothing to do with you."
The others had laughed merrily. You had promised you would and you did. You were 17. You still are. But too much has changed too fast. Your mother's perfume.
You smell it on Tuesday inside of your Amortentia. You smell your dad's breath and somehow feel their love, You also smell pines and how the earth smells after the rain but don't dwell on it. Your sister has sent you 3 letters. You haven't opened one of them. You are cowardly. You think so anyway.
You feel like no one understands. You can't believe it. No you cannot come to the funeral. That will make it real. It can't be real. You open your first letter and that's when you congratulate yourself. Right on the peak of the roof, a tear splashed it's way down. The first tear.
You hold it in. If you start you can never stop. You had the most perfect parents. Too much to ask for. But then you realise, You are Lily Evans, Head Girl in her seventh year, 17 and a role model to almost too many. An inspiration. You have standards. You have to keep up with the rest of the world. You feel so lost. You eyes don't sparkle anymore. You wish you could cry sometimes. You go to the funeral. You wear the last dress your mother and father picked out for you.
Your father, he had called you his 'smashing daughter'. He always did his research that one, he knew about the darkness. You tell Marlene. She deserves to know.
You also tell Hestia. They hold you but you don't break down. You have been holding it in for you are scared. They call you brave.
You beg them not to tell. They don't. You have to tell Professor where you are going. You forgot. You step in the Great Hall. They look at you as if you are shining like a diamond. Your black dress is very pretty.
You feel angry and want to rip it it to shreds yet want to cherish them forever. You don't feel good. You feel sick when they look at you that way. Like you're bloody royalty.
Your dress touches the floor and it looks like you're flying, to somewhere sad. Your heels go click clack in the newly formed silence as your two best friends talk to the head master for you in hushed whispers, the have sweaters and jeans on.
Her mum told them they looked exceptional in those. You leant against the side of the Great Hall. she closed her eyes for a minute and she was back with her parents. It was too much. You were wearing make up. Eye liner and mascara, mum said it made you look even more beautiful in her eyes and You were just as beautiful on the inside.
Your lips were cherry red, her slightly freckled face pale. Scared, even. Her red hair's sides were slightly curled and waved and two strands were clipped together in place with her mother's sparkly clip.
A few strands out. Her mother was someone who thought Make up was an art and so was beauty. You should be just as beautiful on the outside as in the inside. You just need to express it. She used to say. You miss her. Very much. You open your eyes once you realise someone is stepping towards you.
The Great Hall is silent. Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall envelope you in crushing hugs. You feel like you are going to cry as you inhale and exhale. Your heart stops for a moment when you realise the Head Boy is looking at you with a concerned and questioning look.
You run out of the Great Hall and your best friends follow whip Erin words into your ear. Someone taps you gently on the shoulder from turn around.
"Lily... Is everything alright?" James asked, placing a hand on your shoulder and pulling you into a warm hug. He smelt of pines. You breathe in his scent and suddenly that urge to cry comes back and the second tear slips. And this time, he notices.
"Lily are you okay? Lils?" He asked and you smile. You are Lily Evans and you keep your heart as a secret garden with high walls and your feelings to yourself.
Your smile doesn't reach your eyes. Marlene and Hestia tell him. Your smile slips of your face and there is an emotionless pale face. You feel like you are in that fire that burned off your parents skin, the death eaters laughing.
He crouches down a tiny bit to your height and looks you in the eye, it's an intense gaze as if he's trying o figure you out. You haven't even figured yourself out yet. "Lily. Stop holding it in. Lily."
He says your name over and over again and a dizzy feeling comes over. He wears a suit and tie along with dress pants after a quick Transfiguration spell. The three of you apparate to France, where the funeral is being held. You see your sister she gives you the coldest glare ever possible and then just looks away. Petunia Dursley. Just a few months ago she had gotten married. She didn't look like she felt completely alone and confused. The entire service Petunia cried and do did the many friends and family of the Evans. James and Marlene held onto you. Your eyes felt dull. Lifeless. It didn't help when many people came up to you and said how sorry they were and hugged you and told you, you looked like your parents daughter. How they would just be very very proud. It was all your fault.
Petunia roughly grabbed you by the arm. Ouch, that is going to leave a mark. She pulled you away from the 'normal' people. "What are you doing here.. You murder?" The words hit you hard and you almost fell back. "It's all your fault!" Petunia screeched after everyone except Hestia, Marlene and James were gone. "I know." You said your voice cracking in a whisper. - - -
You knew. You wish you didn't. - - -
"They burned. Every bit of them burned in agony to slow death because of you! You know what? I don't even care that you're alone. We have no relation at all. You are dead to me. I don't care if you're alone which you are because you have no family. I have Vernon and his family and friends you have nobody. " James Potter had clenched his fists. Marlene McKinnon was walking fast towards Petunia. "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU ARE JUST A SAD LITTLE GIRL WHO IS LOST. And she will be lost forever. You will have no one there for you when you supposedly grow older. You are an orphan." "I know." You say one last time before the world comes crashing down. Your legs suddenly hurt and you realise you are running. Without your heels on. Your voice is sore. You are screaming and crying and kicking. You've run far because now you are 3 streets away from where you were earlier. - - -
You almost run into cars but you keep going then suddenly just as someone is about to hit your screams and cries, all at once, someone pulls at your wrist. Your tears soak James's shirt as he gently pulls you away from the road and holds you into his chest. "Shh, Lily, it's okay. You're going to be okay. Damn it Evans, you scared the hell out of me. Shh, love." James whispered sweet nothings into your ear and pressed his chin to your head. You can't stop. Everything you've been holding in for 7 days and so many seconds is tumbling out and you can only sob into James Potter's shirt holding onto his waist like a life line. - - -
"Your sisters a right prat.. You almost got killed." James said quiet and cold as he rubbed warmth into Lily. It started raining. James guided her to a bench and from there Lily only cried harfer. Her father.. They danced in the rain. She tried to suck it in but the made it worse. "Come on flower, let it all out." James whispered. Then you think of your parents trapped in the ground and you can't breathe. Its a tight place and they are trapped, they can't breathe and neither can you. You panic. Gasp for air but you've forgotten to breathe? James confusedly pulls you back and then realization and fear fills his eyes. "Damnit! Lily breathe, breathe." You can't and suddenly everything gets that dizzy feeling again. "Breathe! Lily!" Tears fill James's eyes and drop on with the rain. Everything is going black, this is it. You're weak and her eyes widen. You're having a panic attack. James suddenly presses his fingers into your throat while lightly massaging your back.
He doesnt stop crying the whole way. He can't lose you.
You close your eyes and after a few seconds of coaxing you gasp out a breath. "Lily." James says fear evident in his eyes. "Are you okay?" You shake your head no. And fall into his arms. You both stay wrapped up in each other's love and cries. Comforting each other as best as you can. Because that's what you need most right now.
You get better and soon you have someone to be there for you when you are alone on the peaks of the Astronomy tower, watching the shooting stars and you don't mind. James Potter doesn't feel clingy or as if he's pitying you.
He feels like he wants to know you and will stick around, as annoying as it may sound forever. You know it's something else that day when your patronus is Doe.
His is a stag! Your stupid heart flutters. That day when you two are Potions partners and in your Amortentia you can't smell anything. You are intoxicated by each other's scent already. That night he kisses you under the stars.
Everything will be alright. You think as your lips turn upwards, on their own records, into a smile. - - -
Okay so basically this one was maybe a little bit depressing? I think that this is a reaction suitable enough? Thoughts? [Very first Jily One- Shot] The whole fingers in throat was because when someone can't breathe it's a good option to well you know try to get them breathing like that.
I wanted a panic attack scene, going to the funeral just confirmed Lily's parents were both dead, brutally killed by death eaters whom had burned the house, the muggles must have thought it as a house fire.
Firemen obviously had no choice against what death eaters can do..
DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW.
Lydia