Not Allowed to Love

I OWN NOTHING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF

A/N: Everything I know about Final Fantasy, I've learned from fanfiction. I don't actually know all the details and circumstances. What I mean is I have no experience with Cloud or the others from an unbiased standpoint; all I know I've pulled from other's opinions. So here's mine; that love can't be defined or even experienced sometimes. Pulled from my own experiences, hardships, and discoveries.

Read it as a journal entry, I guess.

I'm not a coward.
I can admit that I love Him.

It's not enough for everyone else, if I ever say it. They want to know when and how and how much.
Like they've never...

Never had to question themselves. What other response can I give?
Who is there that doesn't know, about the torture and drugs and experimentations forced on us? I don't even know how much time was lost then; I think my sanity was seperating, so I didn't have to know what was happening anymore.

We were friends, yeah. His personality was magnetic, a lot of people were friends with Him. But, I was the one down there with Him. I-

I don't have a great memory of what happened. I have enough to deal with now, without developing Battleshock from forcing myself through that. Hallucinations and illnesss screwed with me then, I can't call my memory fact in any case.

Someone had a hand in our escape, and I don't mean "someone" to be taken as a reference to a god.

If there had been anyone else down there, I'm sure Zack would have rescued them too.

And He dragged my comatose body with Him.

I understand the drive to protect what and who you can, but... If you were in my position, you'd understand the need to question it. I try to avoid putting too much thought toward it, because it would disgrace what He'd done.

I wish I could ask him, about the life he wanted me to live. I guess honor, letting your heart speak for itself, maybe, not hesitating, when you know what must be done.

I think he'd remind me to smile...

What He did for me, I don't think I'm wrong to call it love. He died so I could live. He probably knew how his actions would hit me, having experienced the death of Angeal. He lived and died with great honor; I think Angeal would be proud.

The more I think about it, the more sure my feelings are. It helps to settle my mind. I want to carry on His legacy, both of theirs, of true honor. That's what He meant for me when He said to live for Him, for both of us. I hope I have.

Love doesn't mean sex. We never slept together.

But in my mind I love Him; I don't think of that as meaning I'm Bi or Gay or any of that...

It means I can still use my heart.

a/n O.o I think I got off track somewhere... I hope it wasn't OOC. If something's really wrong, tell me and I'll try to change it.

P.S. Battleshock is another term for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.